A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian

Chapter 1: The Devil Walks Into A Bar...

Chapter Text

Deep in the seventh ring of Hell, a very important meeting was taking place.

The seventh ring, known as the Ring of Envy, was cold and lonely, filled with the greatest estates of the Goetia Royal families. Mansions and castles line golden-brick roads as snow falls from the cloudy cavern roof far above. Mighty stalactites hung low through the cloud layer, some of the mightier Goetia having made their homes within them.

But none could compare to the center of the Ring.

The Morningstar Palace was built on the ancient, long frozen shores of the Cocytus, known to all as the wailing river. The opulent structure was a sight to behold: spiraling towers topped with golden domes, beautiful gardens full of plants taken from throughout the universe, fountains that were taller than even the mighty Goliath, and vast keeps with extravagant halls that could hold over ten thousand souls. Everything led to a central, cathedral-like structure that was the beating heart of all of Hell.

It was in this extravagant and exquisite manse that the seven rulers of the rings of Hell talked about their liege lord and master. It was he who they served most dearly and fell from Heaven with. The Sin of Pride himself, and he who ruled the seven rings of Hell with an iron fist: Lucifer Samael Morningstar.

One shudders to imagine what sinister plots were being cooked up. What horrible events were being planned out by the denizens of this horrid hall? What atrocities were being brought to light by the Seven Deadly Sins themselves?

"Maybe if we got him drunk that would cheer him up?" Queen Bee-lzebub, ruler of the ring of Gluttony, asked nervously, ringing her four hands together as the amalgamation of fox, insect, and wolf looked at her comrades.

"It's gotta be better than Ozzie boy's idea," Mammon said, the spider-like jester of Greed picking his razor-like fangs with a claw as he threw a glare at the ever-burning Asmodeus of Lust.

"I said I was sorry, alright?" Asmodeus snarled, angry and not the least bit embarrassed, "It was a stupid idea and I really wish you'd all drop it."

Belphegor, three headed goat lord of Sloth, scratched one of her chins and looked Ozzie in the eyes, "No. No, we're holding that over your head. Why would you think getting some dancers would cheer up Lucy?"

"I SAID I WAS SORRY! PLEASE MOVE ON!"

"It was a sh*t idea and we all know it!" Satan, lord of Wrath and the closest thing to the human ideal of The Devil, yelled as he cracked the armchairs of his throne.

Rather than using the meeting chamber of the Sins to plot the demise of the world, or the birth of the Antichrist, or anything most humans would assume the Seven Deadly Sins would do, the six highest ranking beings in Hell under the Morning Star himself were discussing how best to cheer up their boss.

Lucifer, as they'd known for the last six years, wasseverelydepressed. When Lilith left him suddenly, divorcing the man she'd been married to for almost ten thousand years for reasons unknown and unexplained, the first fallen angel had closed himself off from the world. And so, in his office he remained…for almostseven whole yearsnext month.

Queen Bee had gathered the Sins together because, after so long, she'd been worried he'd killed himself. How that'd even work was unknown to the ruler of Gluttony, but she hadn't been willing to take a chance.

The other Sins had been against it, wanting to spend time in their own rings. None of them had thought the problem to be that bad. But then they saw the mountain of rubber ducks their master had made. They saw the rubber duck he made of his currently estranged daughter…and the one he made of his wife.

Even Mammon felt a twinge of worry in his black and greedy heart after that.

Currently, the Sins were in deep discussion about how to remedy the situation before things got worse. Though since they were immaterial beings who fell from Heaven alongside Lucifer, their knowledge of how to do so was limited.

"...think just getting him some strippers would make him feel better? Are you high!?" Mammon ranted and raved as Asmodeus lost control and turned to his true form: A colossal bonfire of a demon with three burning heads surrounded by blue and purple flames.

"I have had it with you and your DAMN INSULTS, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF-" Asmodeus raged, the Sin of Lust getting right up in Mammon's face as his claws sharpened. Mammon shed his form to show his true self as well: A massive arachnid beast with a dozen burning eyes atop his pale white face and fanged mouth. The two Sins looked ready for blows.

"Enough!" Queen Bee-lzebub shouted, turning into her monstrous True Form as well: A colossal fox like-demon with burning eyes and more arms than most, standing taller than anyone else in the room,"This is getting annoying and it's not helpful!"

"Hate to agree, but…yeah," Belphegor scratched the side of her third head and looked awkwardly at the others, "If we want to help Lucifer, this isn't going to do it."

Asmodeus and Mammon both glared hatefully at one another, still ready to fight. Eventually, they both released their true selves and powered down, refusing to look at one another.

Satan scratched at his chin and a light went off in his eyes, "You know, Bee didn't have that bad an idea. Let's get him drunk."

"Just giving him a drink won't cut it though," Bee explained as she tried to convey seriousness to all the other Sins, "If we just get him drunk then he'll get depressed and all, well...sad n' sh*t." The party queen of Gluttony spread her arms wide, "We gotta give him a party!"

"Preferably one that doesn't remind him of all his problems," Belphegor said helpfully, making Bee wince. All of Hell would remind him of that, it was his eternal imprisonment for the Garden fiasco.

"Where in Hell could we go that wouldn't remind him of her though?" Satan asked to which mischievous chuckling broke out from Asmodeus, the Sin of Lust twirling a crystal between his fingers.

"Nowhere," He said with three grins, "We might have to branch out. Okay, just hear me out on this…" He talked and talked and talked until smiles and grins appeared on every Sin's face.

Even Mammon was smiling.

"Also, Mammon's paying," Asmodeus said with a co*cky smirk.

Mammon was no longer smiling.

**********

Lucifer Samael Morningstar tried to smile. He really did. However, he was pretty sure that it came off as an awkward grimace.

The ruler of the Seven Rings of Hell was currently sitting up in the human world, in human disguise, as the other six Sins supplied him with drinks to keep his mind off of his many troubles.

It was some human nightclub. He couldn't remember the name and he didn't know if he cared to find out.

He and the rest of his fellow Fallen Ones were clad in human disguise, though all he'd changed was his chalk-white skin tone to that of a normal human pale. He also left all his snake and apple iconography back at the palace on Asmodeus' orders. Said it was so he didn't"Scare off the locals and draw unwanted attention."

He was currently sitting in a booth as his Sins mingled with the crowd of humans like lifelong friends. Belphegor had remained behind to stay with him while the others went to get drinks, promptly getting distracted in the process.

Queen Bee had basically taken over the bar as she forced the bartender out and started making her own concoctions after taking a single sip of something called "Bud-weiser", declaring it a travesty. Ozzie was currently tearing up the dancefloor to much applause. Mammon had stayed with Bee to steal drinks off of her. Satan was arm-wrestling various people to much applause. Leviathan was…somewhere. Nobody was certain where exactly they'd gone off to after getting a single hit off a joint.

Belphegor was the only one who hadn't left him. Wasn'tthata sad thought?

The blonde-haired lord of Hell looked to his three-headed friend, currently disguised as a tan-skinned woman wearing a wide brimmed hat atop her dark curls, as she continued on, "-really! I mean, who would want to pass up on a guy like you?"

"Lilith, apparently," Lucifer said glumly, holding something called a Long Island Iced Tea in his hands and resting his depressed head down on the hard table before him.

"Well, like I was saying, it's her loss, your majesty."

Lucifer said nothing and just continued to listen to the absolute wall of noise going on around him. The music was giving him a headache if he were honest, and the constant flashing lights were getting annoying.

But his friends had brought him here, so here he would stay.

"Belph…how long have we known each other?" He asked suddenly.

The tanned woman paused, scratching at her chin as she thought about it, "About ten thousand years next month, your majesty."

"Do you ever miss it?"

There was no need to ask what 'it' was.

"...sometimes," Belphegor admitted with a grimace. She looked away and stared into the distance, "I think…I think when the days are quiet with nothing to do, we all think about that place. I know I find myself thinking about it whenever there's only myself and my thoughts for company."

Lucifer said nothing, just stared at his drink, "I think…I think sometimes it would have been better had I never messed with the apple at all."

Silence met his declaration as Belphegor stared at him in shock. She abruptly stood up and said, "Excuse me a moment your majesty!"

And like that, she rushed off.

Oh great, now even Belphegor's abandoned me…he thought miserably.

The club, he decided, was not a fun place to be. There was only one thing left to do.

**********

"Bee! Bee grab your sh*t and get back to the table! We have an emergency!"

Bee was just done mixing one of her famous Beelzejuice co*cktails when Belphegor arrived in a tizzy, her expression alarmed. "Relaaaax, it's fine!" Bee waved off, "Once I get these humans their drinks I'll come ba-"

"He just said he regretted the apple entirely, Bee."

Bee dropped her glass, breaking it as she turned to the sin of Sloth and asked, "He didwhat?"

"Started asking me if I missed Heaven and then mentioned regretting ever messing with the apple!" She shouted.

Bee blinked and then sent her kegs of Beelzejuice back to the pocket dimension they resided in. Turning to her patrons, she yelled, "Bar's closed everyone! Go home!"

The humans got angry and uppity and some rando who pretended to be a bartender said something about being the real bartender and that no, it wasn't closed. But he served substandard alcohol, so Bee throat-punched him and went off to drag everyone back to the table.

"Sorry about the wait, your majesty! Had to deal with some things but I…just wanted… to…" Bee petered off, the Sins now staring at an empty booth where the King of Hell had been sitting just moments ago.

"Maybe he went home?" Ozzie suggested, rubbing his hands together with pure anxiety.

When they tried to call him only for it to go directly to voicemail, they began to freak out.

**********

The dingy bar he found himself in was quite refreshing, actually. It was lonely and quiet, nobody to bother him and nobody to keep an act up. Some human song played over the speaker as the bartender kept him stocked up with Hard Apple Cider.

He'd taken off once he saw how much fun the Sins were having and didn't want to bring down the mood. The music was loud, the lights were too bright, and he was just sitting awkwardly by himself, staring into his drink.

So he left, wandering aimlessly and teleporting from place to place as he saw the world, eventually ending up in some hole-in-the-wall town in some hole-in-the-wall bar.

Lucifer said nothing, just nursing his drink and continuing to wallow.

Charlie was off on her own, taking up shop in the Ring of Pride doing…something. He remembered her mentioning she'd bought a plot of land and was planning to build something, but he'd still been reeling over Lilith leaving. So when she explained it, he just tuned her out.

Father help him, he was a piece of sh*t, wasn't he? Drove off the reason he fell in the first place, drove off his daughter, drove off his butlers as they went to go help out said daughter…

And Lucifer was alone.

He'd have continued wallowing had the sound of the door opening not alerted him to the fact that another had joined him in solitude.

He heard, rather than saw, said figure join him at the counter as he just continued staring at his drink.

"I like your suit."

The voice was female, mature and comforting as he finally looked up.

She was pretty, that much he could say: Warm tanned skin, dark chocolate hair with some streaks of gray in it, a pair of glasses over hazel eyes and laugh lines that crinkled up when she smiled. Which she was doing now, staring at him.

He blinked at her and the smile dropped.

"Sorry, you just…you looked so sad that I thought you could use a compliment. I'll just-" She made to leave. Perhaps it was the alcohol from earlier mixing with the alcohol of the now, because what he blurted out to save himself was:

"Thanks, I like your suit too!"

She was not, in fact, wearing a suit. She was, in fact, wearing a comfortable sweater and some jeans.

His face burned and she just stared at him before chuckling, "Ay dios mio, thank you!" She rolled with it, sitting back down and smiling at him, "I'm Camila."

"I'm-" Well, sh*t, he hadn't planned on talking to any humans while up here, so he didn't have an alias ready. "I'm Luciiiiiius, Lucius. Lucius is my name," He smiled as a trickle of sweat worked its way down his neck. That, he decided, was very close.

The pretty woman, Camila, just kept smiling at him, "I didn't expect to find anyone in this bar, actually. It's sort of old and past its prime."

Lucifer shrugged, "I just found myself in the area and went to the first bar I found so…you know? I guess it's luck or something?"

"Ah, out of towner?"

"Something like that," He really hoped she wouldn't ask any follow up questions. To avoid that, he blurted out, "So what brings you to a place like this?"

The smile dropped off her face, "My husband loved this place." Oh. Oh dear. His stomach fell out of him as she stared sadly down at her drink, "I try to come once a year, just to…to remember him."

And suddenly his crippling depression was back.

"I guess now that they're closing the place down I'll have to find a new place to get drunk and remember," She offered a shaky smile and something in him snapped.

"My wife and I…we had this spot," Lucifer remembered the Garden. Those innocent days before that damn apple ruined everything, "It was a magical place. Peaceful, quiet, and just for us. Well, mostly for us, but the other guy wasn't using it very much so we didn't care."

She listened, she was actually listening to him so he kept talking, "Eventually…eventually, I did something stupid and my father…he overreacted, I think. Got kicked out of H-town, got kicked out of town." He swirled his drink, lost in memories, "Wish I could see it one last time."

"I'm sure your wife appreciates just being with you," She chuckled, a pained noise underneath it, "I know Manny wouldn't care if the bar got torn down, but I understand where you're coming from."

"My wife and I…we're no longer together." He explained to which she nodded and smiled sadly.

"At least she's still alive."

He raised his glass of Apple Cider, "To lost loves, I suppose."

She stared for a moment before she raised her glass as well, "To lost loves."

They downed their drinks and smiled sadly at one another.

"Do you…want to talk about him?" He asked nervously.

**********

They talked of many things, over many drinks, as the night went on.

They talked about their children…

"Oh, my darling girl is the apple of my eye!" He gushed, warmth and love radiating off of his tipsy form from all over, "I remember when she was only up to my knee. She came to me one day - giggling like mad, before jumping out from behind a wall dressed like a duck!"

Camila laughed hard, her cheeks flushed from drink as the two parents bonded over their kids, "Oh my goodness! That sounds adorable!"

"She shouted out 'I'm Charduck, dad!'" He laughed uproariously at that. "It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen and I nearly died of a heart attack! It was too sweet!"

"Que lindo- I remember once, Luz tried sticking her head through the railings of the stairs," Camila said warmly, giggles threatening to break out of her.

"No! She didn't," He laughed.

"She did, she totally did! We had to call the fire department because we couldn't get her out all the while she was just smiling and singing along to the TV," Camila gasped suddenly and reached for her pockets, "I think I still have pictures!"

"Please, I'll show you some of Char-char."

They talked about ducks…

"...bit of a hobby of mine," He was far more drunk now, his voice slurring near the edges every couple of words, "I mean it's not cosplay levels of cool but-"

"No, no," Camila, who had been matching him drink for drink, said, "I'd love to see it."

He awkwardly fished around in one of his coat pockets and produced a simple duck he made: this one dressed similarly to him but with the added top hat he usually wore.

"Aww, he's a cute little guy!" She cooed, reaching out to grab ahold of the simple squeaky toy and turn it over in her hands, "You know, Luz used to make me these tinfoil swans. My heart melted whenever she did it and I tried to keep as many as I could."

"She still make them?" He asked, curious.

"There was this period where I thought she became 'too grown up' to do so, but luckily there was…err, another reason so she still does it sometimes," She awkwardly rubbed the back of her head and chuckled.

Lucifer, however, focused on another part of what she said.

"Urgh, don't get me started on Char-char's 'Emo' phase," He groaned and slumped in his seat, "Always calling me 'Old Man' this and 'stop hugging me, it's lame!' that." He blew a raspberry and rolled his eyes, "As if there's anything less lame than hugging your father."

Camila laughed, "I think I'm lucky Luz avoided that, mostly."

"Yeah, it sucked!" he groaned in embarrassment, "I much preferred when she got into Cosmic Frontier."

Camila began to vibrate in excitement, "She likes Cosmic Frontier?"

Lucifer chuckled awkwardly, "Well, I mean, she doesn't like it-"

"I love Cosmic Frontier!" She laughed and stared at him with happy eyes.

"-that is to say, not as much as I do!" He drew himself up and desperately began trying to remember what he could of the books, if only to keep the smile on her face.

And they talked at length about their lost loves once Camila was ready.

"I remember when he proposed, you know?" She was nearly silent, her eyes glassy as she recounted, "It was in a park outside the convention hall we met at. He pushed me on the swings like we were children and I just…I just felt alive like nothing else."

Lucifer said nothing, just listening with rapt attention. He felt like disrespecting either of them by talking would be…would be evil. So he held his tongue and kept his ears open.

"I remember when I fell out of the swing with a laugh and tackled him. We just rolled around for a bit underneath the stars and…and the ring fell out of his pocket," She laughed, little hiccupy giggles that were marred by tears, "He became so embarrassed that I tried to do it all over again just so he could do it perfectly."

"He sounds like an amazing guy," Lucifer admitted.

She smiled at him and for reasons he couldn't explain, his drunken heart flipped in place.

"He was…he really was."

And now they were talking about Lilith.Drunkenlytalking about Lilith.

"And she just left! No call, no sign, no nothing! Just left me and Char-Char alone forever!" Lucifer ranted, his arms waving about as he drunkenly raved, "So who needs her! I don't!"

"Yeah!" Camila called out, her head resting drunkenly on his shoulder, "Yeah, we don't need her!"

"I'm my own demon!"

"Yes you are!" Camila yelled, and then started blinking, "Wait, did you just say-"

"I can do what I want!" Lucifer finished with a drunken yell.

Camila chalked the weirdness up to being absolutely hammered and promptly ignored it…and then immediately forgot it, "Yeah, we don't need her at all!"

"But you wanna know what I need?" A gruff voice asked and the two drunken patrons turned to see the bartender glaring at them, arms crossed, "For you both to pay your tab and get the hell out. It's closing time."

"No it isn't," Lucifer said angrily, turning his head to the clock on the wall, "It's only…two thirty? Yeah, two thirty!"

"And the bar closes at two," The bartender said, "Look, I don't care what you two do, but you can't stay here and you need to pay." He raised an eyebrow and angled himself in front of the door just in case they tried to drunkenly make a run for it, "Preferably, pay now."

Lucifer, not caring about his human disguise, fished around in the pocket dimension sewn into his coat and pulled out a bar of solid gold. He dropped it on the table where it sent the small pyramid of beer glasses falling over onto the side with nobody on it.

The bartender gaped at the sight before marveling over the fact that the gold bar was real. He moved out of the way and let them pass, immediately leaving for the nearest pawn shop.

The night air was cold, that much Lucifer knew. He stood straight up and wobbled only slightly as he looked about. Some human place called a "Denny's" was lit up like a beacon in the night across the street, while another called the "Budget Motel" was right next to it.

Motel…motel…there was something about the word that tickled the back of his head. For some reason, he felt it had to do with Charlie.

"Oh for- my phone died!" Camila swore something in Spanish as she turned to him again, also swaying, "Can I borrow yours? I have to call my daughter to come pick me up and…no wait, she's off at college." She sighed, "And the other is in Michigan."

"Do you- err, do you want some help?" He asked lamely, not quite sure what he could offer but willing to try for his new buddy all the same.

She smiled at him and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I think…I think I'm just going to crash at the motel over there until I'm sober enough to drive."

He nodded and there they stood in silence, her looking at him expectantly and him not understanding what to say due to being drunk.

She stared at him and a pinkness filtered into her cheeks, "This has been a fun night. I liked talking to you," She chuckled warmly, "Your daughter is lucky to have you."

He looked up suddenly, staring at her, "Look, this has been…honestly the most fun I've had in six years. Since Lil left me…I don't know, I've been sad?" That was a lame way to put it, but he was trying to be cool for once, "Severely depressed? One or the other. This has been great. You've been great. Really great…" He chuckled and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

Camila, meanwhile, just stared at him with her cheeks flushed.

"I'm going to…err, crash at that motel too," In truth, it would be until he got through the door so he could teleport back to Pride in peace, but she didn't need to know that, "I can offer to pay for a separate room, of course, but once you're sober could I trouble you for your num-"

There were lips on his. His brain suddenly sobered up enough to realize that Camila was kissing him.

She had grabbed the edges of his fancy jacket and was kissing him.

He…hadn't been kissed like this in years.Centuriesif he was being honest with himself.

"Maybe…you could pay for a single room?" She smiled shyly.

Lucifer, drunk off happiness…and also alcohol, readily agreed.

**********

Camila woke up alone.

She hadn't planned on waking up alone but that's what happened.

Last night was…fun. More fun than she'd had in years. She went to mourn the closing of one of Manny's favorite spots but found someone who truly got it! Someone who got her, someone who understood the pain of losing one close to them and who had a child they loved…and who was a massive dork.

She thought they truly hit it off…and now she was alone.

She sighed, getting up and collecting her clothes before dressing sadly. Of course she was going to wake up alone: the kind of storybook romance she had dreamt of as a kid was over and done with. Now she was left alone after a one night stand.

Maybe…maybe it was time to just accept that she would be alone till she went off to see Manny again?

He hadn't even had the decency to leave a note.

She was just thinking about what to tell Luz and Vee when she got home when the door to the room opened, slamming into the wall with a loud bang.

"Whoooowants pancakes?" Lucius, the man from the bar, was standing in his crumpled fine white suit with a tray of Denny's breakfast in his arms, his smile wide and his eyes shone like stars, "Didn't know what kind you wanted so I got ALL kinds!"

Camila stared. She stared until he finally stopped smiling and began to panic, "Oh… do you not want pancakes? I can go back and-"

"You came back?" She asked, holding back a dozen different emotions.

He just blinked and looked at her with what she was willing to admit was quite adorable confusion, "Why wouldn't I come back?"

Camila…Camila laughed with tears in her eyes and sat back down on the bed.

"I'd love some pancakes," She admitted.

Chapter 2: The Morning After

Summary:

Lucifer angsts... until he doesn't
And then relationship talk over humanities greatest invention: pancakes
The Sins, meanwhile, are absolutely not freaking the hell out thank you very much

Notes:

Huh, wonder if people like this. I should probably check the comments...
*checks comments*
Oh. Oh wow. Thank you guys so very much, I have plans for this and want to continue fluffy romance as someone who very much likes writing romance fics. But really, thank you so much for your kind comments!
I will definitely continue this now... I mean I always was because I have a ton of ideas for it but it's the thought that counts.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Last night…

Gosh,

Lucifer Morningstar thought to himself.

That was, to be fair, about the only thing he was capable of thinking right now, though he might have broken out a'Golly Gee'at one point.

The king of Hell stared into the bathroom mirror of the motel room, half dressed with his suit jacket around him like a blanket. His disguise was gone, natural chalk-white skin, fangs, and red circles on his dimples bare for all the world to see.

Gosh,He thought to himself again.

That had been…well,a lot. It had definitely been a lot. It was enjoyable, that was for certain.Veryenjoyable. He wouldn't mind it happening again, if he were honest.

Golly gee,he thought absent-mindedly as he splashed water into his face, looking into the mirror as his midnight swirled.

His thoughts were everywhere, nowhere, and both at the same time. As we're his emotions.

He'd just slept with a woman who wasn't Lilith.

He just had a pleasant and enjoyable evening with a lovely woman whowasn'tLilith.

There was a woman sleeping in the bed he just came out ofwho wasn't Lilith.

He frowned, his mood turning sour. Thoughts of his now ex-wife brought back memories of her: her honey blonde hair, her striking eyes, her massive curling horns, the grace she carried herself with, and her silk-like voice.

He remembered the Garden, where her depressed cries over how much of a reprehensible leech Adam was had drawn his aching heart to her. He remembered the long nights where they danced beneath the stars, where he showed her the constellations his brothers and sisters were making.

He remembers when they planned to offer Eve the apple together.

Falling together, establishing Hell into a proper kingdom together, building a life together, raising a beautiful baby girl together.

And now, almost ten-thousand years later, all he had to show for it was a wedding band on his finger. He still wore it, even after the divorce had been finalized.

Sighing, he looked into the mirror, golden hair a mess and eyes tired.

Part of him had hoped that perhaps he could win her back. That he could do something,anything, to convince her to be with him again.

And now here he was, with another woman.

Camila was…she was truly great. Lucifer wouldn't say he loved her, since that would be aninsanething to say after a single night. He wasn't sohorrificallydepressed that he declared eternal love at the first sign of basic affection, but he did find her charming and enjoyable company. She was funny, quirky, loved his rubber ducks, and had a daughter she loved just as much as he loved his. She was obviously a good parent, which he admired, but…

…but was he really willing to give up on Lilith?

He held up his hand, staring at the simple golden band around his ring finger. It was the last thing he had from his now failed marriage.

He knew they'd been growing more distant, growing further and further apart as Lilith consumed herself in empowering demonkind through her music, all while he governed his sh*tty kingdom full of sh*tty people. He hadn't realized how bad it was until she calmly told him over breakfast that she was leaving him.

Thathad been a rough morning. It only got rougher once he realized she was not only serious, but already had infernal lawyers from Greed hired and ready to finalize everything.

He had…he wasn't too proud to admit that he had completely fallen apart after she left. He'd closed himself off in his palace and just…existed. He didn't live, he existed. He didn't sleep, he barely ate, he never called anyone unless it was to ask for something…not even his daughter. He only called her to ask for stuff.Holy sh*t, he was a terrible parent!

How did he even begin to repair his relationship with his daughter?

He'd fully planned to just wallow in his crushing despair until Armageddon. But now, that wasn't his only option anymore.

The ring glinted in the light and Lucifer saw two roads ahead of him.

On one road: He slipped out like a bandit without another word, never said anything to anyone about what happened here, and never returned to the human realm while throwing himself completely into winning Lilith back, most likely failing over and over again. He saw a road of continued disappointment and failure, but with thevery slimpossibility of recapturing what he'd lost.

On the other road: He could go back to the bed and see where things went with Camila. Maybe they'd worked out. Maybe things would be great, or maybe they failed just like with Lilith, leaving him even more heartbroken and depressed than before.

It was a choice between a long and hard road of pain, more pain, and even more pain with the very slight chance that he may be happy at the very end…or he could accept the coin flip that was seeing where things went here.

With Camila.

The ring glinted, and he made his choice.

**********

Now…

"Whoooowants pancakes?" Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell and Sin of Pride, called out happily as he came into the motel room with an entire stack of pancakes on his arms, "Didn't know what kind you wanted so I got ALL kinds!"

Pancakes, he decided long ago, were the greatest thing humanity had ever invented. They were fluffy, delicious, and he loved them so much! If pancakes were the end of what humans did with Free Will, he would have been a much happier King of Hell.

Shame it wasn't, but he wasn't going to let that bring him down.

It was a delight to see all the kinds of pancake toppings they'd made: strawberries and cream, blueberries and cream, blackberry jam, raspberry jam…basically a lot of berries. He didn't mind, since finding out what type of pancake you liked was part of the fun.

Camila stood awkwardly by the bed, fully clothed, and just stared at him until he began panicking.

If she didn't like pancakes then…well, he had basically however much human money he could summon, so it wasn't like he was out of anything. Though he would be slightly annoyed at having to go back and buy something else that wasn't fluffy and delicious fried batter.

He even made sure to get all kinds of syrup and…okay, that was a filthy lie. He got everythingexceptapple flavored things.

"Oh…do you not want Pancakes? I can go back and-" he began, trying and failing not to let his mind wander into worst case scenarios.

"You came back?" She asked, his mind going even further into worst case scenarios.

Oh dear god, she wants me to leave and thinks this is a mistake and that I sucked and she's gonna never want to see me again!Lucifer mentally wailed in agony as he made sure his face betrayed none of his thoughts. Broken hearted and left alone after a single night. He speedran that sh*t, apparently.

"Why wouldn't I come back?" He asked, mentally preparing himself for the answer. Instead, he was left blinking when she suddenly laughed.

She had a cute laugh, he realized, as she sat back down on the bed with tears in her eyes and a very shaky smile.

"I'd love some pancakes."

**********

Pancakes, Camila decided, were great for a hangover. But then, the company she found herself with was even greater.

Her morning so far was quite nice, as far as she was concerned. There was justsomethingabout having breakfast in bed alongside someone that…that rekindled something she hadn't felt in a very long time.
Lucius, as she was finding out, was quite handsome in the morning. His bright and golden hair was still tousled and unkempt, but it gave him an almost bad boy appeal. She felt the almost childish urge to reach over and play with his floppy hair.

Gosh, this really was a good morning.

"Last night was fun," Lucius said, laying down on the bed and just looking up at the ceiling, "I didn't…well, I didn't expect my evening to go like that, but I'm not complaining."

"Neither did I," She admitted, her cheeks flushing at the memories of last night.Gosh, she found herself thinking. She'd been thinking it a lot if she were honest, "And I'm not complaining either."

The two were left smiling at each other.

"Should we…I don't know…" He blinked and looked shocked for a moment, as if some great truth had been revealed to him, "I don't know what I'm doing."

Since he'd already said he had no regrets, she simply listened to him rather than make assumptions on what he meant.

"I'm not-er, that is to say, I have no idea what to do next," He finally admitted, turning over so he was laying on his side, resting his head on his hand, "Do I…do I ask for your number? Would that be okay?"

Camila blinked and chuckled slightly.

"I think, considering all we've done so far, asking for my number would be more than okay," She teased a bit, taking enjoyment from the way his cheeks reddened.

"Well then, I suppose I should do it properly," He moved upward till he was sitting down on the bed facing her, his expression nervous. "Camila…" He blinked, a look of embarrassment crossing his face, "I might have forgotten to ask for your last name."

Camila giggled before realizing that she didn't know his last name either.

"Well, my full name is Camila Noceda," She said, looking at him expectantly, "What's yours?"

Silence. He seemed to be concentrating very hard. She opened her mouth to ask what was wrong when he finally blurted out, "Magne."

He blinked and flushed, "Sorry, just still hungover ya know?" He laughed nervously, "But my name is Lucius Magne." Before she could ask any follow up questions, he did the last thing she ever expected: He grabbed her hand and placed a gentle kiss upon her knuckles, "It's a true pleasure to meet you, Camila Noceda."

Golly Gee,she thought to herself again. Camila couldn't help but blush at the cheesy display. A few girlish giggles escaped her lips as she quickly turned to her breakfast and began to eat, mostly to avoid saying something embarrassing.

She'd rather die than say something like Crikey. Again. In front of another man she kinda/sorta liked.

Once was enough, thank you very much.

"So do we exchange numbers now or…?" Lucius asked as he ate away at his own pancakes. Camila reached out to grab her phone before remembering it was dead.

"I'll have to get a pen and paper to jot yours down since my phone's still dead," She grumbled, "Wish I remembered to charge it last night."

"To be fair," Lucius began with a smirk, "We were quite distracted."

He got a dollop of whipped cream flung at him for his troubles, the red cheeked woman laughing at the sight of him with the white foam on his face.

"Either way," she began once her chuckles died down, "I had fun last night, and would like to do it again."

"Same." He had a look of concentration on his face as he fell quiet for a moment. "My…my job is pretty hands off nowadays, so I should be free whenever I wish to be," he rubbed the back of his head again, "I mean, I'd still have to send notice and inform all of my…employees that I'm heading out, but they're dece-they're goo-they're…they're okay."

"My job isn't," Camila explained, wondering if he was some big city executive or something like that. Talking about jobs sounded like a second date thing. Did this count as a first date? Yes, she decided with a smile. Yes it did.

"I work some long hours most days but my weekends are…well, sometimes free. However," she said, cutting him off when he made to say something, "I think it would be for the best if we just…play it by ear, so to speak."

"Just…leave it to chance?"

She smiled and nodded.

He offered an uncertain smile and nodded back. Together the two newly formed lovebirds kept eating their pancakes. As they were eating, though, a memory from last night at the bar began to surface in her mind and demand her attention. Something that needed asking.

"By the way," Camila began, her expression unsure as the handsome man before her continued eating his breakfast, "Won't your friends be looking for you?"

Lucius thought about it for a moment before shrugging the question away with a wave of his fork.

"My friends are wise, powerful, and generally levelheaded. They'll be fine," He said.

**********

The Six Sins were not, in fact, doing fine.

"I've got every hellhound I could shanghai into this running themselves ragged, Satan! What more do you want!?" Queen Bee, Sin of Gluttony, roared angrily as she shook the red-skinned, hooved, horned, and heavyset Sin of Wrath like a ragdoll. The party queen was, in a word, frazzled as her fur stood up on end, her ever burning mane went wild from stress.

"For us to have not lost him in the first place, damn it!" Satan screamed, his nerves frayed and broken after searching across Hell and Earth for their missing master.

The Sins, after realizing their boss had up and disappeared, hadn't quite panicked at first.

No, what they'd done was go back to the Morningstar Palace in Envy to look for him there. When they didn't find him there, they quickly, and quietly, made their way around the nine circles of the Pride Ring to see if he'd dropped back into his main palace.

Only when they turned up empty at both places did they begin panicking, with a side of freaking the hell out.

Queen Bee paused, registered his words...and then began to cry. It was awkward and weird as Satan patted her back uncomfortably.

"We're terrible friends!" She wailed.

"Yeah..." He muttered sadly.

"We should have just gone with Ozzie's terrible idea!"

"Yeah..." He muttered again.

A pillar of blue and purple flame roared to life as Asmodeus, Sin of Lust, appeared and immediately rushed over to them, "None of my succubi or incubi have seen or heard anything!"

"You told them!?" Bee and Satan both cried, grabbing him by his suspenders and bringing him down to their eye level.

"Of course not!" He said, offended, "I just gave them a description and told them to look, nothing more!"

The three Sins argued until another pillar of flame, this one green and crackling with electricity, shot up and Mammon hopped out.

"Put a bounty for any info on him," Mammon said proudly, "My boys are the best. They'll find him."

The other three Sins paused, stared at him, and began to shake with rage.

"You put a bounty out...on our boss?" Satan asked calmly, very calmly. Suspiciously calmly, even.

"Yep!" Mammon said proudly, "Don't mean to brag, but I've basically saved the da-" the other three Sins tackled him to the ground and began to beat him senseless.

This would have continued had a dark pillar of flame not shot out of the ground and Belphegor, Sin of Sloth, stepped out. The three headed goat mother looked proud of herself as she stood on her hooves and made a pose.

"I got help!" She cried out happily, only to pause and take in the brawl that was happening between the Sins, "Is this a bad time?"

"Yes, itisa bad time," Bee said, having Mammon in a headlock, "You can tell us about your help later."

"Actually, I think you can tell me now."

All the Sins, save for Belphegor, froze up. They stared at the Sin of Sloth in horror, for they knew that voice.

"Belphy..." Ozzie began, fear running through his burning body, "You didn't?"

Belphegor awkwardly scratched the side of her left head and stared down at them.

"I mean, she knows him best, so I just thought she could help," she smiled and stepped aside, revealing the'help'she'd brought.

Princess Charlie Morningstar, heiress to Hell by right of blood, smiled as sweetly as she could at her aunt and uncles. It was a look marred only by the danger in her eyes and the aura of pure malevolence around her.

"Charlie, sweetie, before you get mad, just remember who babysat you growing up!" Asmodeus tried desperately, only to quail at the look in her eyes.

"So, who wants to tell me how you all lost my father?"

**********

"Totally fine," Lucius said.

Notes:

In the next chapter: Lucifer crashes his own funeral while giggling like a schoolgirl while Luz wonders why her moms glowing

Chapter 3: Is it really a funeral if you aren't dead?

Summary:

Lucifer finds out that Hell was very well behaved while he was radio silent and certainly didnt overreact at all.
Just once, he would like a plan of his to go right.
Plus a cameo from God's Favorite Princess and the Most Interesting Girl In The World.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The Morningstar Palace in the Ring of Envy was empty right up until a burst of fire lit up Lucifer's Workshop. The King of Hell practically skipped out with a grin on his lips. He didn't care that several mountains of rubber ducks fell over and covered the gorgeous runic rugs. He was too busy clearing his bed before flinging himself on it with a smile.

He opened his Hellphone and just stared at the new contact within.

Camila.

His feet began to kick back and forth slowly in the air as he just stared at the name, his smile never once fading. He even found himself twirling a strand of hair around his finger.

Maybe things wouldn't work out. Maybe things would end up crashing and burning. But so far, they seemed to be going well, and that's what mattered. They'd agreed to keep in touch and see if their schedules matched up to allow a second date.

He had a second date!

Idly, he wondered if he should text her this evening. Would that be too needy? Too clingy? Would he be an asshole if he waited a few days to text? Should he use long paragraphs and full sentences? Or just emojis and l33t Speak like the kids used nowadays?

Dating, it seemed, was going to be hard. He'd never really dated before.

With Lilith, he'd fallen hard and fast, their romance like a raging wildfire. No need for dating to find compatibility when both were quite literally designed to be different flavors of perfect.

Maybe that had been the problem? Maybe they should have dated a bit before declaring eternal love for one another and deciding to fall for each other both metaphorically and, unfortunately, quite literally?

He would think about that later.Muchlater. As innever.

Ah well, back to worrying if he should text or not. Not to mention how he was going to tell his daughter that he may be seeing someone again.

That brought out a new can of worms that he wasn't quite ready to deal with.

Charlie…she idolized her mother, and rightfully so! He'd never begrudge her that and would encourage her to keep loving her mom. But the marriage was over, quite definitively if Lilith's comments had been anything to go by. She hadn't'wanted a break'or wanted to'take some time away.'

She just straight up didn't want to be married anymore. And the second the ink was dry on the paper, she disappeared without a trace, never to be seen again.

And Charlie…

Lucifer knew she'd hoped the two of them would get back together, but Lilith made it clear that would never happen. For a long while, he also hoped that Lilith would turn around and come back. It made him miserable the longer time went on where she didn't.

And now, after almost seven years, he'd decided to try his hand at another relationship.

Oh dear Father in heaven how would he even begin to explain that?

Hey Char-char, so I kinda sorta had a drunken one-night stand and decided to turn it into an actual relationship…Lucifer shook his head. That'd be stupid and tactless. He needed to be precise, comforting, and clear on his intentions.

Maybe he could invite her over to dinner and break the news in gently? It'd been a long time since he and Charlie had actually just sat down and had a family dinner together. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time they had any sort of contact that wasn't short and to the point in the last seven years.

Okay,he thought, Step one: tell your daughter you're dating. Step two: repair your relationship with her.

He lied down and wondered how Camila was breaking the news to her daughters? Was there even news yet? Or would she wait till they had a second date before doing so? Should he ask her?

Lucifer stared at the phone some more before he flung it against the pillow, pressed his face against the mattress, and groaned in annoyance.

He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't want another failed relationship on his hands. That'd be liable to break him entirely.

Maybe he should look up a dating guide on the internet? Guides were good, or so he heard. He may have never used one before, but surely the internet would be helpful and respectful about this if he asked for help. Right?

Either way, he needed to take his mind off things for a bit before he lost it.

He did a quick flash teleport from his room to the main foyer, landing on the colossal couch with an "Oomph!" as he reclined and just stared at the humongous TV. He obviously hadn't used it in a while, if the sheen of dust across it was anything to go by, but right now he didn't care.

Right now, he was going to watch some TV and wait to calm down before gathering his thoughts to figure out this whole 'dating' thing.

He flicked on the television-

**********

"Breaking news as the search for our missing king reaches its twentieth hour. I'm Katie Killjoy!" The blonde haired and snap necked sinner in a bright red dress suit said with a murderous grin.

The gasmask wearing sinner in the blue suit next to her collected his papers and then cleared his throat, "And I'm Tom-"

"Nobody gives a single sh*t, Tom!" Katie said, pushing Tom out of his chair and onto the ground with a yell of pain, "The people care more about the fact that our king, Lucifer Morningstar, is most definitely dead in a ditch somewhere in the human world."

A little cartoon appeared next to Katie: Lucifer Morningstar, his tongue sticking out and X's over his eyes, laying in a freshly dug grave with the phrase "Long Live The King" underneath.

The screen cut to scenes of rioting throughout the seven rings as hellborn lost their minds. Aquatic demons from Greed were burning down whole neighborhoods, imps from Wrath were flocking to satanic temples for news from their Sin and God, while Succubi and Incubi throughout Lust held candlelight vigils.

Chaos, it seemed, had befallen every last ring of Hell.

Tom, slowly crawling his way back up to the table, groaned out weakly, "Now, while we don't know that he's dead-"

Katie, a grimace on her face, brought a fist down on Tom's head and sent him back down, "We also don't know if he's alive so it's most likely he died by human hands. Those freaks are nasty!"

Immediately the words 'Breaking News' flashed across the screen in a complex and stylish flare before cutting to the icy plains of Envy, the lowest ring of Hell. A hellhound wearing a black suit was standing outside the icy palace of one of the Goetia Royal Families. Colossal crystal spires and glittering halls carved from humongous gemstones shined like a star behind the clearly freezing hellhound.

"We now go Live to our senior political analyst: Roger. Roger, what's the situation in Envy?" Katie's voice rang out as the hellhound, Roger, grimaced slightly.

"I've told you, my name is Ronald," He began, only to be cut off again.

"You got it Robert."

The hellhound grimaced again before continuing on with a plastered, fake smile, "Katie, I'm here before the Royal Convocation as the Ars Goetia and the Six Sins hold an emergency coronation for Princess Charlie Morningstar in the wake of her father's disappearance and likely death." An image of Charlie, shaking Asmodeus back and forth like a rag doll while crying her eyes out played in the corner of the screen.

"Again, we don't know for sure-"

"Shut up, Tom!" Both Katie and Ronald the Hellhound said at the same time. The disgruntled reporter's grumbling was heard off camera.

"Mammon appeared to be the last of the Sins entering the convocation and when pressed for comment, had this to say," The freezing hellhound was replaced with the colossal, four-armed bulk of Mammon, the Sin of Greed. An awkward grimace was on his fanged face as his pure yellow eyes shifted about.

"Look, I didn't even want to be there, ya know?" Mammon began, sleaze exiting his every word, "I was all, 'Bee, buddy, he's probably fine.' but then she showed me a bunch of rubber ducks-"

"I'm sorry, did he say ducks?" Katie Killjoy asked from the studio.

"-and so I decided," Mammon continued, his voice now filling with pride as the spider placed one of his four hands against his chest, "Out of the generosity of my heart, mind you, to pay for Lucy's drinks, but he was such a downer! He kept going on and on about how sad he was and how his wife left him, and when we all went to go get drinks, we come back to find he up and disappeared!"

He then shrugged and picked his fangs with a claw, "So yeah, he probably off'd himself and it's all Bee's fault."

Once more, the 'Breaking News' flare played out and it then turned to Gluttony, where fires had broken out throughout the ring as hellborn burned half of Gluttony into ashes.

"Breaking news out of Gluttony: it appears Mammon's comments have started wide scale anarchy as demonkind rises up against our king's murderer," Tom, finally getting a word in edgewise, drawled out, "When asked for comment, Queen Bee-lzebub declared she would 'skin that fat bastard down to his fat guts for this!' end quote."

The breaking news flare played again as Katie Killjoy overrode Tom for the upteenth time. The scene turned to a massive crystal hall packed to the brim with reporters, anchors, news hellhounds, news imps, news demons of every shape and size from every news outlet from every ring of Hell. They were all pointing camera and microphone towards the stage set up at the front, where Asmodeus and Charlie awkwardly sat together while what looked to be an imp and a gray skinned, one-eyed sinner stood guard over them on either side. Behind them, a truly gargantuan portrait of Lucifer sitting in his throne was surrounded by flowers and wreaths.

A funeral. They were having a funeral.

"Breaking news!" Katie took far too much enjoyment from overriding Tom, "Asmodeus, Sin of Lust, and the source of many controversies over his continued romantic entanglement with an imp, is holding a press conference to announce that our king is definitely dead, absolutely killed himself out of grief, and that Charlie Morningstar is now the new ruler of Hell!"

Asmodeus, far off on the stage, pressed a burning hand to a furry ear and snarled as he turned into his True Form, disappearing in a burst of fire.

The imp standing before the camera, clad in Channel 666 news apparel, looked quite pleased to be on camera as he opened his mouth to confirm what Katie said-

-only to scream as Asmodeus appeared right behind him, grabbed the camera out of the tech's hand, and began shouting into it,"HE'S NOT DEAD YET, YOU JACKALS! IT'S ONLY BEEN TWENTY HOURS AND IF YOU IDIOTS KEEP REPEATING THIS LIE, I SWEAR TO LUST I'LL-"

A cartoon picture of smoking gears with an imp in a workman's uniform looking confused at it appeared above the words "We're experiencing technical difficulties!"

**********

-and then he turned off the television.

Lucifer stared at the screen and just slumped into his couch and groaned.

It hadn't even been a day!

**********

Charlie Morningstar had not imagined her day would go like this.

She'd finally finished the last touches on the Happy Hotel the other night, leaving it basically ready for guests to arrive for redemption at any moment. After that, her and Vaggie spent the night cuddling together and watching a movie before falling asleep in each other's arms.

There may or may not have been kissing involved.

A perfect end to a perfect day.

She'd woken up and had Razzle and Dazzle make her a lovely breakfast in bed for her lovely girlfriend when Auntie Belph appeared in a tizzy. Before Charlie could even ask anything, the Sin of Sloth dropped the colossal bombshell that they lost her father after taking him to a human club up above.

She may have lost her temper on her Aunt Bee and her uncles. To be fair, they kinda deserved it. And once she worked her way through the simmering anger that they lost her father, she then fell into the absolute panic that theylost her father!

Thingskindasorta escalated from there.

She'd sent Razzle and Dazzle out to find him and then promptly began panicking, shaking Uncle Ozzie back and forth while screaming like a crazy woman (which was, unfortunately, the image that Infernal News Media caught a picture of and broadcasted). Well, that and desperately asking the Sins why they'd be stupid enough to take their king to the surface world, where anything could happen to him, in the first place.

Things continued to escalate from there.

Turns out, gathering half the rings to look for your boss tends to lead to many, many loose lips. Said loose lips reached the Goetia Families who, rather than be helpful and send out their armies of servants to look for her dad, instead dragged her to a meeting and declared that, until he was found or confirmed to be dead, she would be the queen. Charlie almost blew the entire Royal Convocation away in a blast of pure rage when a much more friendly royal stepped in.

She couldn't quite remember his name, but she was willing to bet money on being Jonas...or maybe Stolas? Either way, he'd sat her down and promised his house's full support in finding her father, alive or dead, so long as she didn't blow up the Convocation building.

Things…hadn't actually escalated from there, if only because they could no longer escalate further.

She had her dad's Top Hat/Crown atop her head and now she sat on a simple throne next to Asmodeus and his…boyfriend? Lover? Husband? Whatever Fizzarolli the imp was, he stood next to the purple bulk of the Sin of Lust with a nervous expression as all the eyes of Hell were upon them. He'd ditched his jester's outfit for something more relaxed, but still a bit clowny: A bowtie and suspenders alongside striped pants and a simple white button up, which helped him look very smart.

Which of course imps could be!

Charlie winced at her unintentional slight. She wasn't classist, she wasn't! She actually had a plan to enforce class desegregation amongst the Hellborn in the very short time she was going to be queen. Because it would be a short time.

They would find her dad.

A comforting hand lay on her shoulder, and she pressed her own against it, looking lovingly into a single pinkish iris.

Her lovely girlfriend, Vaggie, stood beside her and kept a careful eye out for anything remotely resembling trouble. The sinner had been nervous about leaving Pride, but Charlie made an exception andmight havestrong-armed the Goetia Families into giving Vaggie a special pass, letting her leave the topmost ring.

Currently, Vaggie was in a very smart suit that accentuated her muscles. Normally Charlie would be gushing over how beautiful her girlfriend was, but right now, it was taking everything she had to not hyperventilate.

Here she was, garbed in a hastily made royal dress that closely resembled an ancient greek toga, serpent bracelets going up from her wrists all the way to her biceps. She held the royal scepter in hand and carefully, most definitelydid notfreak out as all of Hell awaited the announcement of her reign as queen.

Her reign was going to be focused entirely on finding her dad.

"-and now, without further ado, I would like to present the newest ruler of the seven rings," Beelzebub, in her basic form as she floated about before the mic, looked like she was in shock as she made her announcement, "The new queen of Hell: Charlie Morningstar."

Flashes went off like fireworks as a million cameras fought for her attention. She didn't squint, thankfully, and made her way carefully to the front, blatantly ignoring Bee. She was still mad.

She took a deep breath. Showtime.

"Thank you al-"

A burst of fire shot out from the stage. Ozzie and Bee shifted to their true forms and moved to defend Charlie while every camera in Hell focused on the flame. Much to the shock of everyone, Charlie especially,her fatherrushed out and grabbed his knees, panting in exertion.

"I'm not dead!" Lucifer cried desperately, still gasping for breath, "I'm not…I'm not dead!"

He then stood up, fixed his bowtie, and tried for a suave grin while slicking his golden hair back, "Rumors of my dea-"

Before he could continue with his well-rehearsed and totally very cool introduction, he was tackled to the ground by a crying Charlie, Ozzie, and Bee.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for abandoning you!" Auntie Bee sobbed, hugging her dear leader and friend close.

"Don't you ever scare us like that again!" Ozzie cried happily.

Charlie…she just cried. Big fat tears were streaming down her face. She was pretty sure snot was ruining her carefully prepared make-up, but she didn't care. Her dad was back!

"Alright, alright," Lucifer groaned under the weight of two Sins and a daughter as he carefully maneuvered his way towards the mic, dragging the three along like limpets. It was the most undignified display that Hell had ever seen.

That did not stop the seven rings from celebrating at their king's return.

Asmodeus, upon seeing that Lucifer wasn't going to reach the mic anytime soon, got up and fixed his suit before grabbing it, "It appears… well, that our king has returned."

A million and one questions emerged from the colossal crowd of hellborn reporters. They asked where he'd been, why he'd left, what he'd been doing, and if he was going to have a repeat performance in the near future.

Charlie, focusing on that last question, resolved then and there that if her aunts and uncles wanted to take her dad anywhere, it would be to her Happy Hotel where they could be safe and watched over like a hawk.

As she hugged her king and friend close, Queen Bee paused as a particular scent caught her nose. Somethingveryfamiliar and distinct. It almost smelled like a women's perfume. She took a few more sniffs to confirm, her eyes going wide.

"No way…" She muttered in shock.

Lucifer, still hugging his crying daughter closely, glanced at the crowd of hellborn reporters. Even now, they looked ready to pounce. Charlie didn't care one bit though; just happy her father wasn't lost or missing anymore.

"Now I know you all want to learn where I was," the King of Hell began, "But I assure you it was a deeply political…thing. A thing that is very important and classified-"

"YOU GOTLAID!?" Queen Bee yelled out.

The entire hall fell silent as every last eye turned to the now nervously sweating Lucifer. Across all seven rings, everyone, from the lowliest imp to the highest-born Goetia with the bluest of blood, stared slack-jawed at the screen. Some turned to their compatriots to ask if they heard that right? Others cleaned their ears. Meanwhile, many more simply wondered how the king was going to dismiss such an obvious falsehood. All this and more happened while a bead of moisture worked down his brow as in his arms, Charlie went very still.

"Err…" Lucifer began, which was all the confirmation the infernal news media needed.

A veritable wall of noise rushed forward, almost physical in its intensity as everyone everywhere wanted every answer to their every possible question. Imps crawled over hellhounds, who tackled imps, who crawled over piles of hellborn from every ring, who all shot forward. The reporters shouted and screamed their questions as they rushed in a literal tide of bodies. Many guards and infernal soldiers fought to keep the peace.

Pandemonium was the word of the day in Hell, their King confirmed as having left the kingdom behind to get laid.

"Shut the cameras down, now!" Asmodeus cried into the mic as he carefully directed the royal family off the stage and behind the curtains before anyone could get an interview.

"Are you kidding me, Ozzie? This is media gold!"Mammon replied from his web above the stage, cackling with glee at the chaos.

Charlie barely noticed any of it as she tried to keep her thoughts under control.

Her father, who she'd been worried sick about and actually cried over when no trace of him could be found, had gone off to have a hook-up? She'd been panicking all morning as the entire kingdom learned the news, leaving her half convinced he might be dead…

And he was just off hooking up with someone?

For a moment, Charlie thought he hooked up with some random person but quickly dismissed it. He wouldn't betray mom like that. Yeah, they were currently…separated, so to speak, but they'd fix things and be together again. They had to, they justhadto.

He wouldn't betray mom. He loved her and would fight for her.

And apparently her father had spent last nightandthis morning hooking up with Mom again. Ever since she'd heard her parents were splitting, Charlie had hoped, nay, wished that they'd resolve whatever differences drove them apart and get back together.

She just hadn't wanted it like this.

The rush of happiness at her parents being on speaking terms again and finally starting to fix their issues wasfarovershadowed by the anger she felt at her father basically scaring her half to death. She was so mad she could hit him!

So she did.

"You jerk!" Charlie cried, tears in her eyes as she pounded her fists against her father's chest. He had a look of pain on his face as he held his crying, angry daughter. Vaggie gently pried her away from him, holding Charlie close as the princess cried tears of rage and relief.

"Babe, it's okay. He's back, he's safe," Vaggie murmured softly and comforted her. Normally, Charlie would melt into her girlfriend's embrace, but right now she didn't want to be comforted. She wanted to be mad! So she broke free and started poking her stupid dad in his stupid chest.

"I thought you were hurt!" She cried, feeling guilty over the small embers of pleasure she felt from the look of regret on his face, "I didn't know if you were bleeding out somewhere, or poisoned from something, or kidnapped, or-or…"

Her father gathered her back in his arms and hugged her close, rubbing her hair like when she was little and having a nightmare.

She accepted the embrace. Maybe she did want to be comforted.

"...I'm glad you're okay," She muttered, holding her father tight as if he'd disappear any second.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie," He was using her full name, not one of the little pet names he had for her. It meant he was serious and she appreciated that, "If I'd known…I should have said something to the Sins before I left. Should have done a…a number of things differently." He held her away so he could look up into her eyes. "But I will never leave you, Charlie.Ever."

She smiled and hugged her father close, feeling her anger dim, even if it was still present.

"You know, you could have just told me you and Mom were speaking again," She said, smiling atop his head. For some reason he froze up at that.

"I agree, Lucy" Uncle Ozzie said, Fizz riding atop his shoulder as they both stared at the Morningstar family, "Here we were trying to cheer you up, and you just disappeared to hook up with the queen?" He chuckled deeply before shooting her dad a wink and some finger guns.

"-Mammon, if you don't turn off those damn cameras, I swear to Gluttony they're going up your ass!"Queen Bee, currently raging in her true form, snarled as she slowly powered down and rushed over to Lucifer with sparkles in her eyes, "Lucy, baby, tell meeverything!"

"Where has the queen been?" Vaggie asked, curious despite herself.

"Why didn't you call?" Asmodeus kept to the important questions.

"Are you and Mom getting back together?" Charlie practically vibrated from excitement as she stared at her dad.

Lucifer…Lucifer awkwardly chuckled, tugged on his shirt collar, and then began shifting his eyes anywhere but them.

"So, uh…" He laughed some more, anxiety in his tone. He looked at Charlie and he just seemed to wince, "This…this certainly isn't how I wanted to tell you all this. I was expecting some time, maybe a day or two to get my thoughts together, but…"

Everyone stared at him as he just sighed. Charlie felt a cold feeling in her gut, not liking where this was going…

"I wasn't with Lilith last night," He said simply before smiling shyly, "I…I actually met someone else. Someone…someone I clicked with and we sort of, well, that is to say…" He took a deep breath, "I'm dating someone now."

Uncle Ozzie and Auntie Bee just stared before asking several questions, not that she noticed at all though.

"Charlie?" Vaggie asked from a million miles away, Charlie feeling her fervent wish for her parents to reconcile shatter into hundreds of little pieces.

**********

Luz Noceda, wild magic prodigy, happily stood before the house she grew up in.

She'd woken up in her dorm, unfinished glyph combos and homework scattered around, rolled out of bed, and wandered about to get ready for the day. She hadn't really planned on anything school related since the Boiling Isles University of Wild Magic didn't have classes on weekends, but that just meant she could enjoy herself.

And what better way than to spend the day with her mom?

She hadn't been home in a few weeks, exploring the underside of the arm that even now was revealing new caves and crevices for any eager explorer to dig into. In her defense, Boiling Isles archeology made her feel like a witchy Indiana Jones. Stringbean even turned into a cool hat or whip to complete the set! There weren't any Emperor's Coven remnants to punch in epic duels, but she did have fights with a few grave robbers before they started begging for forgiveness upon realizing exactly who they were messing with. She even got into a sword fight...or several.

All in all, Luz's time at Wild Magic University was just as action-packed and exciting as her time at Hexside, and she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Still didn't excuse not visiting her mom for a month, so she resolved to spend the entire week back at home. It'd originally been just a weekend, but since the headmaster of the University was her beloved mentor, Eda, she'd gotten a whole week out of it simply by saying,'So it's been a while since I've seen mom…'

Vee had promised to swing by with Masha after they got back to Connecticut from their cross-country road trip. The second she was old enough, the basilisk had taken off to explore as much of the human world as possible alongside her significant other and Cabin 7.

Luz was only slightly sad about that. Just because the Boiling Isles were now free of Belos and the Emperor's Coven, that didn't mean Vee wanted to go back to the place she had fought tooth and nail to escape from, save for important situations. Joining her sister in Wild Magic college to have fun adventures was, sadly, not one of them.

But despite her disappointment, Luz respected the decision. After all, Vee loved the human realm as much as she did the demon realm.

So here she stood now, just taking in the sight of her house. Having a normal week with her mom was just what the doctor ordered.

Stringbean, her beloved snake-shifter Palisman, was currently in the form of a golden retriever. She looked quite convincing if one ignored how she was bright purple with darker splotches all around…or how her tail ended in a bright green, gem-like rattle.

"You happy to be home, buddy?" Luz asked the excited Palisman, who jumped up and shifted into a bird, landing on her shoulder in excitement.

'Yes, yes. Love home. Love Camila. See her soon?' Stringbean asked, her voice echoing through Luz's brain as she nuzzled her head against theirs.

"Yeah, buddy. We'll see her in a bit."

Stringbean, accepting that answer, shifted into her base form and curled around her neck like a comfy scarf.

She loved the little gal so damn much.

No matter how much Luz loved the demon realm, it was always nice to be home. It never really changed: the same paint, the same blue tile roof, the same freshly cut lawn, the same flowering bushes along the front wall. It was like nothing changed since she left.

She smiled, though she did feel an odd sensation in her gut. That was a good thing, right? Either way, deep thoughts about life, the universe, and everything could come after she said hi to her mom.

However, the second she entered the door, she did notice an oddity: The smell of fried plantains.

Her mom only ever made fried plantains for special occasions: her first tooth falling out, first day of kindergarten, the night she got back from the Boiling Isles with her friends, the night after she basically saved the whole world with the power of the Titan, her King-ceanera…

And her mom was making fried plantains on a random day, when she didn't even know she was coming over. And even if she'd known, well, she hadn't made any all the other times she was over so…huh.

She carefully made her way over to the front, looking around the wall towards the kitchen as her mom sang along to a nameless tune only she could hear. She was moving to an internal beat: swaying back and forth as she hummed and made plantains.

Her mom…she was practically glowing in happiness, smiling ear to ear as she finished flipping the plantains and began to do a little dance.

Luz blinked at that. Whatever was going on, her mom was really happy about it.

Finally, Camila twirled around with a laugh, gasping as she saw Luz standing and staring. "Mija!" She cried out happily and swept her up into a big hug, "Oh, you should have told me you were coming over! I would have made more."

Luz, of course, hugged her mom back, "It's alright, mama. I ate before I got here," She would be dead before she ever gave up her Gryphon Egg Breakfast Burritos nowadays, "Still…fried plantains? On a Saturday?"

Camila tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and chuckled. It reminded Luz of herself whenever she was thinking of Amity.

Fried Plantains…glowing with happiness…ear tuck…

"I had…I've had a wonderful weekend, Luz," Camila laughed warmly and moved to sit down, taking Luz with her. Before Luz could speak of any of her suspicions, her mom beat her to the punch, "I…I was going to tell you next time I called you, but since you're already here…"

Her mama grabbed her hands and absolutely beamed, "I actually met someone this weekend!"

Luz blinked.

Okay,she thought as countless emotions fought for dominance,Maybe this won't be a normal week with my mom.

Notes:

So this chapter had less Luz in it than I wanted, mostly because the real MEAT of her presence is saved for next chapter and I didn't want to spoil the main entrée so to speak... speaking of
Next Chapter: Charlie and Luz react to their parents dating again. It goes about as well as expected: emotions, angst, tears, liberal use of comforting butler-goats/palisman...

Chapter 4: Some much needed conversations

Summary:

Luz takes the news rather well, all things considered.
Charlie... not so much.

Notes:

*puts on a conductor's hat* All aboard the Charlie Angst train babies, choo choo!
But in all seriousness i got a bit teary eyed while writing Charlie's thoughts and feelings this chapter so... you know, it's probably gonna be sad.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Luz Noceda expected many things when she came home: Help her mom at the shelter, do some repair work on the portal house, buy some human world gifts for her friends, get something nice for her girlfriend…

Never did she expect to hear that her mom had apparently found someone and was planning to go out on a second date with them.

Here she sat on the couch in her old living room, staring at her mom as she twiddled her thumbs after that bombshell. Her mom was…seeing someone?

Her mom was seeing someone!

A bunch of conflicting emotions roiled in her chest as she tried to find out how she felt about this. A comforting weight settled around her shoulders as Stringbean, now in her small Dragon form, hugged her close.

'Love you, Luz,'her Palisman said simply.

It was enough to ground her, allowing Luz to gather her thoughts.

"How…um, how did this happen?" She decided to start with a simple enough question, "Did you join a dating app or…?"

"It was pretty spontaneous, actually," Her mom smiled gently, "We just sort of bumped into one another and started talking. He looked very…well, that doesn't matter, but he got all adorably flustered after we got started." She laughed at something only she could see, a small dusting of pink on her cheeks.

"So, you bumped into him at, what, a coffee shop? A restaurant?" She could deal with this, her conflicting emotions already calming. Having a meet-cute at a cafe? She'd definitely read that fanfiction.

Hell, she'dwrittenthat fanfiction.

For some reason, her mom looked nervous, "Actually, we met at a bar."

A bar? Okay, Luz may have read quite a few fanfics about such a thing. Bars were only slightly less popular than cafes or coffee shops for'All Human AU's'. But what did that have to do with why Mom looked nervous? It wasn't like they hooked up at dad's favorite bar or…anything…

…Oh.

"You met at Sheridan's?" Luz's voice was very small as a brief flash of pain shot through her. That was dad's favorite bar, and Mom went there for a hook-up? Dad's favorite spot outside of the Hartford Comic-Con? She met a guy at dad's place? Her thoughts began to spiral-

Stringbean hugged her tight, letting Luz lay a hand against her. Mom quickly grabbed her daughter's hands too, opening and closing her mouth before nodding.

With the confirmation, Luz felt the shock go through her. It was an old pain from an old wound as a dozen bad memories ran across her mind. But in the end, it was just that: an old wound.

It'd been more than ten years since Dad had…passed, and no matter what, it would always hurt. But she was working through the pain and had a far bigger family than she did back then.

Around her neck, the eclipse necklace Amity had given her for their one-year anniversary hung low like a comforting blanket. As did the Flapjack tattoo she'd gotten with her friends to remember the little Palisman. Not to mention the rings she got from Eda and Stringbean herself. All of it made her remember one simple truth:

'Camila loves you,'Stringbean said in a calming voice,'You are loved.'

She breathed in and out. Her mom loved her, just as much as she had loved dad. So, Luz would ignore the pain and listen.

Camila squeezed her hands tight with a comforting smile, "Mija, I didn't go there to meet someone. It just sort of happened. We got to talking, and he got it! He actually understood me and what I was going through…" her smile grew sad, "He understood the pain of lost love, even if his was still alive."

Luz supposed if anyone would manage to get through to Mom, it'd be a divorcee.

"We were only planning on talking about what we'd lost, but we just…we just kept finding things we had in common," Her voice sounded wistful, staring happily off into space, "We both had children we loved more than anything-" here, mom squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back. "- we both were more into nerdy things. Do you know he makes his own rubber ducks?"

"No, no I didn't." Luz said, to which Mom just laughed and rubbed the back of her head.

"Ay…why did I ask that? How would you know?" She shook her head, "He does make rubber ducks though, they're the cutest little things I've ever seen."

"Even cuter than King?" Luz had a small smile on her lips now. Mom's happiness was infectious as the two had their spirits lifted.

"Let's not go that far."

Luz laughed alongside her mom while Stringbean pouted. The Palisman batted her head against Luz's chin in playful mock annoyance at being second best to King.

"Yes, yes, you're cute too," Luz rubbed the snakeshifter's head lovingly as she formed into an actual snake. She curled around Luz's arm, resting her head against the top of the human's hand.

Between the infectious happiness and the presence of her beloved Palisman, Luz was glad to say that her tumultuous emotions were basically gone. She brought her now purple snake clad arm up to her necklace and frowned.

"I guess I just have one more question," she said, Mom looking curiously at her with a small chuckle.

"Are you happy?"

The chuckling died as Camila just looked at her daughter. Luz swallowed and braved on into uncertain territories.

"I…I know it's only been a single date, and a spontaneous one too, but…do you feel happy?"

Mom just stared down at her hands, falling silently into thought. Luz didn't rush her, nor did she say anything. Instead, she just sat there and waited.

"...he made me laugh," Camila finally said, glancing at her daughter, "I told him I was into cosplay, and he made a corny joke before offering to show me a rubber duck he made. He was overflowing with love when he talked about his daughter and…and when I talked about Manny, he listened."

Mom looked her in the eye, a seriousness there she hadn't seen since that night so long ago. When they stood before the new portal, and she had declared she was going to the demon realm with her.

"I can't say he makes me happy after a single date, Luz…but I think he could. I really do. And even if he doesn't and we end up drifting apart, I want to give it a try anyway."

Luz could do nothing at that proclamation except hug her mother tightly. Mother and daughter held one another close as they all just sat together: A girl, her mom, and the shape-shifting wooden snake that served as a family pet.

"I'm happy for you mom, I really am," Luz said, and she saw a few tears in her mom's eyes that she furiously wiped away.

"Sooo…when's the next date?" Luz teased.

Camila went bright red, "Mija, it's only been a day! I'll…I'll see if he's available next weekend." She laughed with a note of happiness in her voice as a timer went off in the kitchen, "The plantains are done!"

Luz waited for her mom to leave, a spring in her step as she made her way for the kitchen, before she leapt off the couch and bolted upstairs to her old room. She practically flung the door open as she fell on top of the floor.

She didn't even try to get up, furiously ripping everything and anything out of her pockets as that wasn't her phone. Her house keys plonked against the window and almost cracked them, her fresh stack of sticky-notes was flung into the side of the wall, loose coinage was thrown about like ballistic weaponry, and her stack of emergency glyphs…

Well, her stack of emergency glyphs wasn't flung about willy nilly, but carefully placed on the ground where it couldn't be damaged or accidentally activated. The nano-second it was on the ground though, she returned to digging through her pockets like a madwoman and would have continued fruitlessly had she not been interrupted.

'Here Luz!'Stringbean said, the floating Palisman having her iPhone in mouth and looking at Luz affectionately,'Silly Luz! Forgot you gave the phone to Stringbean. Stringbean keep.'

Luz quickly thanked her Palisman and was vibrating in excitement as she scrolled to quick-dial and selected the little slug emoji.

Ringing, ringing, ringing…

"I'm sorry," the tiny voice of the message box said, "But the person you are-"

She dialed again.

"I'm sorry, but the-"

And again.

"I'm sorry, bu-"

And again.

"I'm so-"

With every failed call, another followed through, Luz's excitement growing each time. She was practically hovering, her hands shaking as she held the phone in a vice grip-

'Breath Luz,'Stringbean, ever dependable and reliable, was there to calm her down with some Palisman snuggles,'Sister will be there no matter what.'

Luz calmed down, deeply breathing in and out. She repeated this process until she was as relaxed as possible. Admittedly, it wasn't much, but it was better than before. Finally, she decided she would only call one last time and that would be it. Her fingers hit the recall button and she waited.

Ringing, ringing, ringi-

"HOLY sh*t!" Her adopted sister's voice was full of annoyance, and a not so little amount of anger, as the sounds of a restaurant echoed in the background,"What is so important that you decided to call me fifteen times in a row!?"

"HolycrapVeeguesswhat!?" Luz practically screamed into the phone, the excitement from earlier not only reaching previous levels, but exceeding them. Beside her, Stringbean sighed and shook her head.

"Luz, I'm in the middle of dinner, withMasha,"She stressed her significant other's name on the last bit, her voice still incredibly annoyed,"Please tell me it's an emergency and-actually, no wai-"

"Momisdatingagainandsheseemssohappy!" The string of words Luz said blended together into a mish-mash of noise that, while somewhat resembling human language, was nothing even close. The confused noise that Vee let out was an indication of her failure to get across the monumental news, so she prepared to let out another string of noise-

'Breath, silly girl,'Stringbean said, nuzzling the back of her head.

-and instead took a deep breath, centering herself as she got her excitement under control.

"Luz, look, I really want to treat Masha to something special. So if it isn't an emergency, could you-?"

"Mom is dating someone and they hooked up last night!" Luz said as calmly as she could. There was a sound like someone was choking, the sound of a phone hitting something hard, raised voices, and then Vee came back on the line.

"What!?" The basilisk amongst humanity yelled into the phone, shock and excitement evident in her voice.

"Mom," Luz began again with just as much excitement, "Is now dating someone and they hooked up last night."

The noise Vee let out could only be described as a squee.

"Babe, what the hell is going on?"Masha asked from the background.

"GRAB THE BREADSTICKS, MASHA! WE'RE GOING BACK TO GRAVESFIELD YESTERDAY!"Vee screamed as there was a lot of movement in the background. Luz also heard yelling for someone to pay.

"Screw it. If we're dining and dashing, I'm taking the lasagne too."

"Crazy girls must pay! That lasagne belongs to the Di Martello family!"

"THERE'S NO TIME TO PAY!"

Vee yelled out, the sounds of screaming, more yelling, and crashing glass echoed out of the phone,"MOVE IT HOT STUFF! MOVE IT!"

Luz heard a car door open and close before an engine roaring came through.

"Luz?"Vee's voice was calmer now, but still just as excited,"Luz, tell me everything: Who's this person? What's their name? Where're they from? How'd they meet mom? Have you met them yet? What-?"

The questions continued and Luz answered each and every one as best she could. Outside the door, Camila smiled and walked back downstairs. She was glad that both her girls were taking the news well.

She wondered briefly if Lucius' family was doing the same.

**********

"And we're back with our top story! 'Lucifer Morningstar: Single and Ready to Mingle'?"

A shaky camera footage played of Charlie, Lucifer, Bee, and Ozzie talking behind the stage of the Royal Convocation. The video was taken from above, as if the taker was hanging from the rafters.

"I wasn't with Lilith last night," Lucifer said shyly, his voice only slightly garbled from the camera quality, "I…I actually met someone else. Someone…someone I clicked with and we sort of, well, that is to say…" He took a deep breath and smiled, "I'm dating someone now."

"Oi, what're ya doing there ya freeloader?" Mammon's voice interrupted the Sins and Charlie's reaction. The gloved hand of Greed himself came down and crushed the camera, "No free movies-"

The video cut off and it shifted back to the original speakers: a group of well dressed, if scantily clad, succubi and incubi sitting on a massive round couch in a glitzy studio.

"what does the King of Hell being back on the market mean for yo-"

~Click~

Five imps in suits and ties argued incessantly while an ever-growing conspiracy board webbed out behind them. They'd clearly been arguing for a while. Currently, an image of succubus pop sensation, Verosika Mayday, was on screen behind them, pressing her hand into the camera angrily as she walked away from the shot. The words "Verosika Mayday denies sleeping with Lucifer Morningstar" were present beneath the picture.

"Why in Satan's name would Verosika Mayday deny dating the king if she was actually boning him? Do you know what kind of glory she could snag with the Morningstar Dynasty behind her pop-empire?" One of them, a heavyset imp with obviously fake horns yelled out at a thin and reedy looking imp in glasses. Said imp also had fake horns.

"It makes more sense than your stupid 'Oh, actually, the Greek Gods are real and he's dating Aphrodite' theory," The imp said as another imp, also with fake horns, nodded along, "Verosika's rich, famous, and just bitchy enough to make our king cheat on his wife. Also, unlike Aphrodite, she's real."

A stocky looking imp with, you guessed it, fake horns snorted to himself, "You're only calling her a bitch cause she refused to autograph your chest."

The second imp let out a war cry and launched himself over the desk and at him, "I told you that inCONFIDENCEyou di-"

~Click~

"-ck again with everyone's favorite new game show: Lucifer's Next Sidepiece! I'm your host, Scaramouche! And today, we're going to explore who could be the next queen of hell!"

The unseen audience clapped along as the aquatic hellborn from Greed, his many fangs glinting behind a golden grill, smiled and waved to the cameras. A massive neon sign dropped down from the ceiling in front of golden threaded curtains and above a line-up of gorgeous demons. All of whom were of every shape, size, and gender.

The host was currently shaking hands with a Goetia Demoness, her white, snow-like feathers standing out as she sneered at both the audience and her competition.

"I'm standing here with Stella of the Ars Goetia. Now Stella, tell us: What brought you to the show?"

The towering Goetia laughed. It was a cruel and haughty thing as she actually pressed a feathered hand against her mouth like a villain, "Simple, Scaradouche: Money. I live a very lavish lifestyle and since my limp-dick ex-husband divorced me most cruelly-"

Boos echoed out from the crowd, only half of them half-hearted.

"-I need a new wallet with legs to fund me for eternity. Who better than the King of Hell?" She preened and looked pleased with herself.

The host looked a little uncomfortable as he looked from Stella to the rest of the demons behind them, "And…um, who else came because of money?"

With many an awkward shuffle and hastily avoided eye-contact, every demon (each one glammed out to the nines with enough jewelry to fund a small nation) raised their hands.

"Christ on a stick…" The host muttered.

~Click~

A flashy intro played out as the Voxnet logo appeared on screen. Vox, head of the Vees (The overlord triad of Hell, not the basilisk of Earth) was presiding over his studio. The flat-screen TV headed Overlord, garbed in his electric blue pinstripe suit, sat behind his desk. A cup of something steaming and hot was in his hands as he interviewed one of his fellow Vees.

"-back again with my good friend, Velvette. Vel, honey, sweetie: who do you think the king's newest piece of ass is?" Vox asked, amusem*nt dripping from his voice as the Sinstagram sensation and Overlord of the fashion/modeling industry chuckled. She co*cked a grin at the screen.

The TV screen that is, not Vox's screen.

"Well Voxy-" The dark skinned and dark pink haired Overlord looked snazzy today in her designer jacket and skinny jeans. She kicked her heel clad feet on top of the table and filed her nails, "Some out there are saying it's that old hag, Carmine, but puh-lease! She's way past the hill. It's probably a human witch wanting to birth the antichrist into existence... Or someone wanting access to the power and prestige that being the Devil's mistress will bring."

"Sounding a little envious there, Vel," Vox said with a laugh, his Laugh Track playing in the background.

"It's like this: If I were them, I would've jumped him a long time ago for even a fraction of his money and power."

"Ha! Like you'd leave Val and I for him, right Vel?"

Velvette continued to file her nails in silence.

"Vel? Vel, I noticed you haven't answered my questi-"

~Click~

"Okay!" A clearly disturbed looking sinner was standing before an even worse looking conspiracy board that had Belphegor and Lucifer connected by at least twenty seven different strings, "Here's how Lucegor can still win folks-"

~Click~

"-as a number of sinners across Pride rise up to claim that they and they alone are our King's newest sugar baby!" Tom Trench, sinner and eternal anchorman, said into the mic as the glossy eyes of his gasmask stared into the camera.

His fellow sinner and eternal nemesis, Katie Killjoy, grinned hastily, "Already we've had several high note rises and falls as every gold-digger, skan*, leech, psycho, and every other flavor of desperate all crawl out of the woodwork to claim their time in the spotlight before inevitably falling down into the ditch."

The scene cuts to the outskirts of Pride where a giant crowd of sinners and hellborn gathered outside the gates of the Morningstar Government Office/Castle. All of them desperate to claim the King of Hell's eye for less than reputable reasons.

"We actually have twenty three interviews with various claimants for Lucifer's rebound. They've already got book deals and Voxnet slots for upcoming shows-"

~Click~

Charlie finally gave up and just turned the TV off, falling back to bed with a dazed groan. She grabbed her pillow and pressed it against her face in a vain attempt to block out the world.

It didn't work. The world still existed.

Two comforting weights snuggled up on her chest. Razzle and Dazzle, her adorable and cute little goat-butlers, curled up on their mistress's chest in an attempt to comfort her. It still didn't work, but she appreciated the effort enough to hug them back as they made cooing noises in response.

She was still clad in her sleep clothes, not really feeling the need to get dressed as she just lay there listlessly. Eventually, she got bored of covering her face with a pillow and let go of Dazzle (who let out the most adorable whine ever) and flung the pillow away…somewhere. She didn't know where, nor did she care. Not when the chances of her parents getting back together were nonexistent.

When Charlie was a child, her parents had been the be all and end all of romance. How could they not be? They were the original dreamers! The original star-crossed lovers!The Story of Hellwas practically about them falling in a love so pure and passionate that Heaven itself trembled.

When she was young, she wanted a romance just like her parents'. The King and Queen of Hell were the example by which she compared all her previous relationships.

And now that relationship is over and done with.

When she had heard her parents were divorcing, she had been confused and shocked. The original dreamers were splitting? Why? What's gone wrong? Could she fix it?

She spent a long time blaming herself. She knew she shouldn't have, but she did. If she'd been more observant, maybe she would have seen whatever problems they were having and helped fix them.

Maybe she could have spent more time with them? Maybe she could have talked to them together? Maybe she could have seen or said something that would have fixed things? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Except it was too late to do anything now. Her parents were split, and Dad had moved on.

Ten thousand years of marriage over and done with. The romance that created Hell and set the bar for relationships was just…justdone.

And after almost seven years of barely talking to her, Dad disappears for a day and makes the whole realm think he's dead, only so he could run off and shack up with some…some…somescarlet woman!

A white-hot spark of rage works through her, but it's quickly consumed by guilt. She didn't even know the woman and she was resorting to name calling? She was utterly pathetic. Couldn't save her parents' marriage, and now blaming someone just for her dad giving up on mom?

That was something Charlie didn't want to think about. Not the ten-thousand years of marriage he was giving up on, not the kingdom he left behind to do so, not whatever gold-digging hussy he had decided to hook up with…

Where does he get the damn nerve!?Charlie sat up, Razzle and Dazzle flapping about in worry as she hugged her knees to her chest,Where does he get the damn nerve to just…just forget about mom and move on after only seven years!?

An ugly, black feeling pooled in her gut. It was something insidious, hateful, hurting, and wanted to make itself someone else's problem. She tried to crush it down, but it returned even stronger.

Ten-thousand years of marriage gone, yet only after seven years did Dad decide,'You know what? Working to get it back is too hard. I think I'll just bum around and sleep with whoever.'

Why wasn't he fighting for mom? Why didn't he care enough to fight?

Charlie grabbed Razzle close, the goat-butler letting out an adorable squeak as she hugged him tightly against her chest. Dazzle flew atop her head and landed like a crown upon her hair, sticking his tongue out and looking at her cutely.

The dark anger was fading, but not completely.

Charlie bet it was whoever he was seeing! They'd suckered him in with…with physical affection! Of a sexual nature! Oh, she could just see it now: The floozy, after convincing her father to fall for her…herphysical wiles, was whispering in his ear and making him forget about Lilith entirely!

Or maybe they aren't that bad, an annoyingly loud part of her said, the same part that believed in second chances for the people of Hell,Maybe they thought he didn't have a woman worth fighting for?

Another wave of guilt washed through her. Once again, she was blaming someone she'd never met for her father's mistake.

Where did he get off just giving up on mom!? Why did he think this was okay!? Why did he do it?

A cold realization washed over her and she froze up completely. Maybe the problem wasn't whatever floozy he was seeing.

Maybe it was with her?

She'd lived with her parents too and hadn't seen anything. Not a damn thing wrong and yet something must have been happening! Maybe she was blind? Maybe she was a naive idiot who didn't know anything, just like everyone said she was behind her back?

Or maybe it was worse than that. Dadbarelytalked to her, after all. He only called when he wanted something. Mom hadn't talked to her in seven years, not since the divorce was finalized and she disappeared off the face of Hell. Tears began to fall from her face as the evidence continued to mount.

Dad had been so happy when she moved out. Oh sure, he said it was because he was proud of her, but what if that was a lie? After all, he only called when he absolutely needed to for some favor or chore. Never to see how she was actually doing.

Mom never talked to her, never returned her calls, and never responded to her texts. Charlie always believed it to be because she was off doing something important, but what if that was just wishful thinking?

Charlie gripped her legs so tightly that she drew blood. Her fingernails turned into claws as she lost control of her emotions and physical form.

Was she what drove her parents apart? Ten thousand years of happy, blissful marriage, and only when she comes into existence do they decide to split up. Her mom would empower Hell through song but stopped after the divorce. Her dad would govern the realm but stopped after the divorce.

Am I the problem?

Two red comets collided with her as the tears began to fall. Razzle and Dazzle curled up next to her, booping her gently with their squishy little noses. All she could think about was how her father was now in the arms of a gold-digger, how her mom left everyone, and it wascompletely her fault!

The door to her room opened and Vaggie poked her head in, "Charlie, you have a visi-"

The hidden angel gasped as she saw Charlie openly weeping, curled up on the bed in her full demon form. Razzle and Dazzle hugged her and gently baa'd in an effort to provide comfort. At the sight, Vaggie flung the door open and rushed to her girlfriend's side.

"Charlie! Charlie, what's-"

"Vaggie-" Charlie tried to speak through her tears, letting out hiccups from how hard she was crying, "I-I-I broke up my parents and it's all my fault and-and-and-"

Vaggie grabbed hold of Charlie as she cried her eyes out, "Charlie, you didn't-"

"Yes I did!" She wailed, clinging to Vaggie while Razzle and Dazzle held her close, "They were together for so long! Then ten thousand years o-over and done with only when I come around because everyone was right about me an-and-and-"

"Charlie. Baby, listen to me," Vaggie held her girlfriend's shoulders tightly, staring deep into the princess' eyes with her own. The one-eyed angel tried to convey as much love and support as she could.

"This? None of this is your fault. Your dad…he screwed up, not you. The marriage ending had nothing to do with you. And I never want to hear you say something so horrible about yourself ever again."

"But it's true," she said, her heart breaking, "Mom is gone and she never talks to me. Dad never talks to me-"

"And that's on him," Vaggie was deathly afraid of the Morning Star. All heavenly creatures were, but she was perfectly willing to throw down with the King of Hell himself for making her beloved cry. Even if she failed, she swore she'd punch him in his stupid face one day.

"He didn't call you. He didn't even try. That's on him, not you," Vaggie kept her words light, her voice comforting as she stroked Charlie's golden locks, "If you ask me, he's the problem, not you."

"She's right."

The two girls looked to see Lucifer standing sadly by the door, wringing his hands as he looked at them. Vaggie leveled a venomous glare at him as she held Charlie close, the princess staring with watery eyes at her father.

"...dad?" Charlie asked in such a small voice that Lucifer's heart broke all over again.

Lucifer sighed, his shoulders sagging as he made his way over to the bed. He took special note of how lovingly the one-eyed woman was holding his daughter, but resolved to follow that up later. Right now, his daughter needs him.

Even Razzle and Dazzle were glaring at him, though they looked more disappointed in him than mad. Somehow, that was far worse.

"I don't know what I did, but Lilith made it clear she didn't want to be married anymore," Lucifer explained, looking down at his hands, "She…we'd been growing distant for a while at that point, but I never…I didnt think-"

"So I was blind then?" Charlie gave out a bitter laugh through her tears, "Stupid Charlie didn't see anything again-"

"Charlie, no. Don't say that!" Vaggie held her girlfriend in a comforting hug and glared at the king from over her shoulder, angrily mouthing,'Fix this.'

"I didn't see anything either," Lucifer said with another bone-deep sigh. It hurt to admit it, rankling the Sin of Pride to his core. But he'd weather the discomfort a thousand times over for his daughter, "It struck me out of the blue, the morning your Mother told me she wanted to leave. I didn't see it coming at all…and maybe that's why it hurt so badly that I fell apart."

He began to stroke his daughter's hair, calming her down as she slowly stopped crying. Vaggie kept murmuring words of encouragement into her ear while Razzle and Dazzle cuddled up to her.

It was a family circle of love, and one that Charlie desperately needed.

"I love you Charlie, I love you so much. I know I…I haven't been a good father lately. But it's not because of you. It's me." Charlie snorted and he went on quickly, "I mean it! I fell apart hard and just…just stopped caring about a lot of things. I was a sh*tty parent, ignoring you in favor of wallowing in my grief. My problems are my problems, none of them because of you." Lucifer swallowed nervously with an uncertain expression, "I…I hope one day you can forgive me."

Charlie slowly extracted herself from everyone to look at him. Her eyes were completely puffy with tear tracks running down her face. A shot of pure guilt ran through Lucifer as he realized this, this pain his daughter was suffering, washisdoing.

"If you-" Charlie began with a sniffle, her voice shaky, "If you really mean it, if you really want me to forgive you then…then justtalkto me. No more long silences, no more asking me for chores as the only reason you reach out, no more…just…I…" She stared right in the eye and into the very core of his being, "I want my father back."

What could Lucifer do but nod? What could he do but echo a promise to be there more and more? At the sight of the shaky smile on her face, he felt immense relief. They were far from fixed, but hopefully, with time, they could recapture what was lost.

"What, uh…what do you want to talk about first?" He asked lamely, his eyes shifting all over the room for anything he could strike up a conversation about. It would be the first one in a while where his depression did not drag him down into a slump of non-existence, so it had to be perfect.

His eyes fell on Vaggie, who stiffened under the King of Hell's gaze as she crossed her arms defiantly.

"Maybe we could start by talking about your, uh…friend?" He tried, giving Charlie an in as Vaggie started wringing her hands and looking away.

"Um, well," Charlie nervously smiled and dragged Vaggie in front of her. The one-eyed woman gave an awkward smile of her own and waved hello, "This…this is Vaggie. She's my girlfriend."

Lucifer blinked, but a happy grin broke out across his face. "Oh my golly- you like girls? So do I! We have so much in common!" He grabbed the two of them into a hug, his movements forcibly energetic, "How did you two meet? Was it nice? Oh, I have so many things to ask about-"

Charlie couldn't help but laugh. It was a shaky thing, but it was there. She laughed, the pain slowly replacing itself with love as she and her dad talked,trulytalked, for the first time in years.

Despite that, she still wasn't okay. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about her mom, about her dad, or about the woman her dad was dating now, especially if her worst fears were true and she really was some horrible power/gold seeker out to use her father in some scheme and then throw him away afterwards.

Charlie wasn't okay.

But she was getting there, and that's what mattered.

Notes:

I can see no canon changes arising from this.
In the next chapter: Finally, blessedly, a second date is planned

Chapter 5: Ozzie and Froggie plan a date with Lucy

Summary:

Lucifer, not knowing how to do a date, asks the only person he knows in a happy relationship (that he isn't mad at right now) how to plan a date

Chapter Text

In Lust, there was only one rule: Go forth and be happy (with consent).

Above the ring was the swirling maelstrom through which the energy of Hell permeated into dazzling lights and auroras. Vast forests of crystalline trees rose up into breath-taking sights as delicate mountains cast a lovely shade upon the denizens of the ring.

Just don't ask what shape the mountains were.

At the center was a megacity made up of the sex-shops, brothels, strip-clubs, and other venues of both affordable affection and the supplies thereof. It wasn't the congested and heavily polluted morass of Greed, the wild lands of Wrath, the gilded glamor of Gluttony, the cold void of Envy, nor was it the medical labyrinthine Sloth.

No, Lust was designed to be pleasing to the eye by the explicit order of Asmodeus himself.

High above the central megacity was a truly colossal art-piece of a skyscraper that rose high above the skyline. Colored a bright pink with many office complexes and side-towers, it was the personal home of Asmodeus, and a testament to the beauty of Lust.

The penthouse atop it was shaped to resemble a wind-chime, slowly turning so the skyline would change with the hour to those who resided inside. Succubi and Incubi, working alongside simple laborer imps, made up the workforce of Asmodeus' home. The working conditions of the truly massive office-arcology were the envy of all who didn't work there.

Deep within the Sin of Lust's bedroom, a tiny figure stirred within a cocoon of the fluffiest blankets in all of Hell. Fizzarolli yawned, scratching the top of his burned face right beneath the bottom of one of his broken horns. The quadriplegic imp sat up and stretched until he loosened the muscles just enough. Being an acrobatic jester and the face of a multi-media empire was tiring, exhausting, utterlysoul-drainingwork.

Fizz was glad to finally, thankfully be rid of it all.

He carefully slotted his robotic arms into place. The new Lust-Ring brand arms were in a stylish, sleek purple that almost looked like real skin and flesh rather than his old Mammon Industries ones.

Fizz looked around his and Ozzie's room. The dark and muted purples blending together to give off a warm reminder of Ozzie no matter where you looked. The bed was massive and circular, designed to hold up the Sin of Lust as curtains and veils hung from hooks in a waterfall of fabric. It had more blankets than they'd ever need, each one fluffier than the last. All Fizz wanted to do was snuggle back into them and avoid the world.

Normally, he'd be out and about, already planning his lovely Ozzie's day. But right now, he wanted to take the time to just enjoy himself and sleep. He finally had time to himself with no paparazzi to hound him.

The Infernal News Media had finally,finallytaken their attention off him and Ozzie's love life. The scandal of one of the Six Sins dating a lowly imp was nothing at all compared to Lucifer himself entering the dating world. Fizz hated to say it, but he was glad that the news was tearing apart every tiny, infinitesimal detail of Lucifer's every action and comment to find even the slightest hint about the identity of his mystery lover. It meant that he wasn't being dragged through the coals as "Jumped-Up Carnival Trash Smearing Lusts Good Name."

An actual anchor said that, on air, before all of Hell after the announcement at Mammon's Clown Competition, much to Ozzie's wrath. Fizz had never seen him that mad before, and they were still finding pieces of the guy scattered throughout the rings. Not enough to make a whole body, but enough to say with certainty that he was dead as a doornail.

In any case, the scandal had rocked the seven rings. Sure, Pride didn't give a sh*t since they were mostly sinners and thus slightly separate from the infernal hierarchy, but every other ring with all the hellborn demons did. To be an imp was to be the lowest of the low, and one had won the heart of Lust himself.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Ozzie entered the bedroom with a tray of Hellboar bacon and scrambled phoenix eggs. The truly massive sin strutted up to him, burning head smiling. He proudly wore the "Kiss The Cook" apron Fizz had bought him (it was meant to be a gag gift) a few months back as he brought the tray, one bigger than Fizz was tall, up to the bed.

"I thought…" Ozzie said, the massive Sin smiling down at him with all three of his faces. The bright blue fire around his head solidified until it turned into a rather glorious mane of hair that Fizz could say with certainty was soft as silk, "Since we actually have a day to ourselves, we'd maybe just lay in bed and do nothing until tomorrow."

Fizz smiled and began to dig in, gesturing to the room's windows, "This has got to be the first time I haven't seen any news choppers hovering right outside in, what, three weeks?"

Asmodeus fell back into the bed with a sigh, sending both Fizz and his massive tray of breakfast into the air with the sheer force of his landing. Fizz found himself caught and placed on his favorite spot in the world: Ozzie's chest, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad we're out of the spotlight."

"No crazy reporters hounding us," Fizz said as he ate away at his phoenix eggs.

"No protesters from other rings showing up," Ozzie shot back, resting his blue hands behind his head and staring up at the chandelier.

"No kidnapping attempts."

"Noscumbagssaying filthy things about you on TV."

"You and me, all alone, nobody to bother us for hours…" Fizz chuckled with desire as a robotic finger trailed down Ozzie's chin, "Whatever will we do?"

Asmodeus captured his chin in a bright blue hand. Together, they leaned in to share what would be the prelude to a helluva day-

~Ring ring~

Asmodeus sighed in annoyance as he carefully set the phone to ignore the call. "Now," He purred, "Where were-"

~Ring ring~

Fizz frowned as Asmodeus sighed even harder this time. "Are you gonna take that?" Fizz asked, "It could be important."

"Nothing is more important than you, Froggie," Asmodeus said, causing Fizz to preen like a princess as the Sin turned his phone off, "Okay, phone off and nobody else home. Let's do thi-"

A knock at their door sounded.

There shouldn't be anyone else in the penthouse and yet there was a knock on their bedroom door. Fizzarolli and Asmodeus froze up, the latter slowly frowning as he grew in size and let his internal fires become external.

"Who the f*ck got into my penthouse?" Ozzie growled, the Sin stomping off towards the door. Fizz spidered his way off to get a better angle of attack. If this was yetanotherassassination attempt, he was going to aid his lover no matter what.

Ozzie opened the door and growled out loud, his anger brewing from defensiveness, "I don't know who the f*ck you think you are, but you have five seconds to-LUCY!?"

"AHH! PUT ON SOME PANTS!"

"WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE!?"

"PLEASE PUT ON PANTS!"

Fizz felt his jaw drop at the sight. Here was the King of Hell, covering his eyes like a blushing schoolgirl while Ozzie pulled down the front of his apron like an embarrassed maiden. Two of Hell's leaders were practically screaming like madmen at one another.

Fizz groaned, feeling he should've just gone back to bed.

**********

"So! What brings you to my private residencewithout asking at all, your majesty?" Asmodeus, now dressed in his signature open-chested suit with knee-cropped pants, asked the King of Hell, his voice filled with false cheer.

Fizz hadn't gotten a good look at him during Charlie's aborted coronation a few days ago, but the one thing he was surprised by was just howshorthe was. Lucifer Morningstar was at least a head shorter than Fizz, and he was a damn imp for Satan's sake! The Sin of Pride was sitting in one of the nicer chairs (That were for sitting only! Nothing else), awkwardly shuffling about and trying to look anywhere but at his longtime friend.

"It's…it's a very nice place you got here! Very…purple?" The king finally said as he cringed, leaving Fizz wondering if thinking the King was a colossal dork counted as high treason.

"Lucy…" Ozzie sighed in annoyance and managed to look expectantly at the king, who slumped in his chair.

"I…need help with something. And you're the only person I can turn to. Well, you and Bee, but I'm mad at her for airing my secret to all of Hell," The king crossed his arms and pouted.

I'm not, Fizz thought. The second he realized that the paparazzi would be gone for a very long while as they ignored the story of the century for the story of the millennium, he'd gone out and bought her a Queives puppy as thanks. Bee changed her Sinstagram handle to #pupmom while somehow getting the puppy a verified account and over 3 million followers within the hour.

"I just…" Lucifer Morningstar cringed, winced, sighed, and then looked resolute. All within five seconds, "I need relationship advice."

Ozzie and Fizz both sat still, not quite registering his words. There was a startled gasp from Ozzie as he smiled from ear to ear. Fizz felt a large smile break out on his own face as well.

"Lucy! Why didn't you just say so?" Ozzie asked as he got up, grabbed the back of Lucifer's chair, and started pushing it towards one of his personal mirrors while Fizz made his way over via arm swings.

"I tried calling but you didn't answer," The king explained.

"I was preoccupied. So…" Ozzie brought his massive throne over and settled into it, now having a little circle of chairs where he and Fizz leaned in close to hear what the king had to say, "Tell me, Lucy, what do you need help with?"

Lucifer took a deep breath, looking dignified…before he shot forward, grabbed Ozzie by his lapels, and began shaking him back and forth while hyperventilating, "I don't know what to do! I've never dated anyone before whowasn'tLilith! It's been two days and I still haven't texted her! Am I a horrible person? Should I have done it sooner? Should I-"

"Lucy? Lucy! Calm down!" Asmodeus led Lucifer back to his chair and sat him down. He looked down at the king with worry in his glowing yellow eyes, "It's actually best that you didn't text right away. You could've come across as clingy."

"Are you sure?" He asked with a shaky voice.

"Lucy, I'm the Sin of Lust. Romance is my specialty."

"I thought it was sex?"

Asmodeus coughed into his fist, "Sex is a part of romance, so it counts."

"I don't think that's how it works."

NowAsmodeus leveled a small glare down at him, "Do you want to spend time arguing about what my job is, or do you want me to help you?"

"The second one, please," The king squeaked out.

"Thank you," Asmodeus breathed out and then plopped down in front of the king, sitting with his clawed feet crossed, "Now, tell me what you want to try and have me help with."

"I'm…I want to see if she's free this weekend," Lucifer looked frightened, clutching the Hellphone in his hand like a vice, "I just-with everything going on I want to see if there's anything there. Camila said she works most days on call, whatever that means, so I'm gonna see if she's free this weekend and ask her out."

He then started freaking the hell out, "Except I don't know how! Do I call her? Text? Do I keep it casual? Formal? What should I do? I tried asking the Infernalnet and they were…no, just no," He looked at Ozzie pleadingly and whined, "Help me!"

Camila, huh?Fizz noted, curious despite himself about the identity everyone in Hell was gnawing at the bit to find out. He and Asmodeus now knew more than anyone else in Hell, save for possibly the royal family.

Camila was an odd name for a demon, but he'd heard odder. She was a working woman, which crossed out the Goetia demons since those blue bloods wouldn't know an honest day's labor if it bit them in the ass (except maybe Stolas but that was neither here nor there). 'On Call' was a term Fizz recognized from back when he was getting his limb implants. Medical field.

A medic demon named Camila from the lower classes? Eat your heart out Katie Killjoy. Turns out all your theories are hot garbage,Fizz made sure to burn that info into his mind so he and Ozzie could join in on guessing who'd ensnared the king. Just because they wanted the hunt to continue onto infinity didn't mean they weren't playing along.

Asmodeus looked interested and his right head looked down at him. He nodded to confirm he'd memorized the info and the Sin of Lust looked grateful.

"So you want help figuring out what to say?" Asmodeus asked, and the king nodded furiously.

"What did you and young…I'm sorry, I don't actually know your name," The king turned to him, to him! The king of hell was talking to a lowly imp like he mattered! If the gossip rags had a field day with him dating a Sin, they'd have an apocalyptic meltdown at this.

"Fizzarolli, sir. You can call me Fizz," He…he didn't actually know how to address the king. Should he bow? Curtsy? Some esoteric blueblood dance that imps weren't high enough on the food chain to know about? Before he could freak out or turn to Ozzie for advice, the king reached out, grabbed his hand, and shook it furiously.

"Nice to meet you, Fizz! My name's Lucifer, but you already knew that," The king laughed awkwardly, "I'm so glad Oz found someone after so long. You must be good for him, so I'll say you're alright in my book. Never believed in that class nonsense myself but the Ars Goetia love their stupid little rules. But I have been talking for an uncomfortably long time. I think I'll stop uh…"

The king trailed off as he carefully extracted his hand and looked to Ozzie, "How do I start? Wait, how did you and Fizz get a second date?"

Ozzie chuckled and rubbed the back of his head, not looking at the king. Fizz, meanwhile, blushed at the memory of that night. Of course, telling the king, who was looking for relationship advice, that your second date was 'Eyes Wide Shut' would most likely not go over well.

"Err…" Ozzie was struggling to find anything not sex-related to tell the king (Fizz could tell after so many years together). An idea popped into his head. "The ducks, sir!" Ozzie suggested, "Show her the ducks!"

The ducks were kinda lame and hokey, more likely to get a laugh out of the demoness, but meme sharing was important. It was basically the secondary love language of people nowadays. Either way, the king's eyes lit up and he pulled a full squadron of ducks out of his pockets before taking a hundred pictures of each of them-

"Slow down, your majesty," Asmodeus said, placing a hand on the king's shoulders, "Maybe just…one duck?"

"I know just what to do!" Lucifer exclaimed as he summoned up a small city and started placing ducks down…

**********

TheGood Witch Azuramovie played in the background as Camila made enchiladas for her and Luz. She was even making some homemade verde for the dish as she chopped up her lime and cilantro. But before she could finish up on seasoning the chicken, her phone buzzed.

She idly checked it, only to blink. It was an image from an unknown number of four ducks dressed like a barbershop quartet. The ducks were carefully arranged around a small light post.

'Look at my Barberduck quartet.'

'This is Lucius btw.'

'Hi'

Lucius!

She smiled as she looked at the picture he sent. The ducks truly were quite cute, much like he was, if she were honest.

'Hello Lucius.'

'How have you been doing?'

She giggled to herself, feeling like a teenager again. Here she was, just waiting for a boy to text back and make her alright day into a good one. God, if her parents could see her now…

She waited for the response.

**********

"She wants to know how I've been doing?" Lucifer cried, pacing a hole into the plush carpet as he stared at the phone like it declared eternal vengeance against him, "What do I say?"

"What do you mean she'wants to know how you're doing?'" Ozzie asked, confused, "Isn't it kinda obvious how you've been if you turn on the news?"

Lucifer stared at them and just laughed. It was the kind of thing that only those who knew they screwed up could pull off: High pitched with a tinge of desperation and horror.

So she doesn't have access to Hell's news cycle,Fizz mentally added to the info known about the mysterious Camila.

Wrath and Sloth had no access to the news, or much of the Infernalnet in general. Wrath by choice because Satan didn't believe in it. Sloth because nobody wanted to go there due to how depressing the forests were.

Asmodeus waited for anything, even the smallest kernel of information. He sighed upon realizing he wasn't getting an answer out of the king as to why she didn't know.

"Just be suave, your majesty," Asmodeus said comfortingly, kneeling down before the pacing king, "Repeat after me-"

**********

'I'm doing much better now that I'm talking to you again'

JEEZ!

Camila laughed to herself, her face red as she tried to calm down. The absolute nerve of that man, telling her something like that! She tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. Before she could respond at all, Luz and Stringbean came down the stairs.

"Hey mom, have you seen my-" She took one look at the scene and realized what was going on. A high-pitched noise of pure glee left Luz's mouth, her and Stringbean rushing forward and practically gluing themselves to Camila's shoulders. "Is it him? Is he texting you?" She gasped with stars in her eyes, "Is he asking you out!?"

"Mija! He's only just started talking!" She chided before a look of worry crossed her face, "And he's already brought out the compliments. How do I respond? Do I just…?"

Luz grabbed a chair from the table and sat down backwards in it, resting her arms on the back of the chair itself. Staring down her mom, she asked, "He's already sending compliments? Isn't it a little bit early?"

Camila chuckled, twirling a strand of hair, "I…I really don't mind, Luz."

Before either of them could respond, another text came.

'Btw, are you free this weekend?'

Camila stared, eyes wide as saucers. Luz and Stringbean shook in pure excitement as twin squees left their mouths.

**********

"WHY DID YOU SEND THAT?" Asmodeus asked, shocked as his fire went haywire.

Lucifer cringed away on his chair, "I don't know, I panicked!"

"You don't ask her out for another hour you idiot! You build up to it with rapport and compliments till she feels ready for it!" Asmodeus chided in annoyance as Lucifer grabbed the brim of his top hat, pulling it over his eyes with a groan.

"Ozzie's right, your majesty." Fizz explained, grabbing a pair of glasses out of the humongous drawer next to the nightstand. He slipped them on and began to enter 'teacher mode', as he called it, "Just asking out of the gate will put pressure on her to respond, rather than having it come up naturally during conversation. Plus, it's kinda needy."

The noise of despair that left Lucifer's mouth would've made even the forests of Sloth tremble in pure depression. And those tree's sucked already.

"Alright," Lucifer said just a bit hysterically, "I'll just take it back and-"

Fizz used his extension mods to grab the phone right out of the king's hands, bringing it close to his chest, "No, your majesty! That will show non-commitment. You can't backtrack now, or she'll think you're desperate and flaky!"

Whatever problems Lucifer had now increased as he wallowed, "Oh dear Father this is bad! It's not even been a week and I already screwed up! Oh hell, I'm such a failure-"

"Hey, hey, hey, let's not be doing that right now," Asmodeus came over and sat with the king, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, "You made a tiny mistake, but it was done out of good faith. She'll probably laugh it off and move o-"

A ding of notification and Lucifer threw the titanic Ozzie's hand off his shoulder hard enough to make the Sin fall backwards. He rushed forward with such determination in his eyes that Fizz found himself backing up nervously until his back hit the bed frame behind him. The king simply looked up into Fizz's eyes, yet there was such presence in them that he might as well have been sneering down from a golden throne atop a pyramid of steel.

"Sir Fizzarolli?"

Fizz gulped, and Asmodeus looked ready to intervene, "Y-yes your majesty?"

"My phone, please."

Fizz held out the phone, Lucifer taking it before his expression crumpled back into fearful desperation as he read out the message.

'I am free this weekend, yes. And still want to go on that second date.'

A high-pitched noise of excitement left Lucifer's mouth.

**********

A high-pitched noise of excitement left Luz's mouth.

The tee-no she was in college now, which made her a young woman. The thought made Camila smile ruefully. Where on earth had the time gone? One minute Luz was out picking flowers that her father placed around the backyard in a scavenger hunt, and now here she was: a college student studying wild magic.

The young woman glued herself back to Camila's shoulder and asked, "Okay, so if he asks you out, what are you gonna say?"

"...yes?"

"Okay, fair," Luz breathed in before she let out an utter stream of consciousness, "But is it going to be casual? Formal? Will you be meeting in town or at the house? Will he drive? Will you? Wha-"

"Breathe, Luz," Camila chided with a soft expression. Stringbean bumped her head against her witch's shoulder comfortingly.

"Sorry, sorry, just got a little excited," Luz explained, her expression a little embarrassed, "I'm just…this is so exciting, isn't it? I want to try and help out as much as I can!"

Camila smiled, echoing the feeling of love in her chest as she grabbed her daughter's hands, "Mija, thank you. I'm happy you're taking it well." They both smiled at one another, "But there's not a lot either of us can do if it doesn't work out."

Together, the two of them stared at the little bubbles indicating he was typing.

**********

"Lucy, really, I would love nothing more than to host the two of you." Asmodeus explained gently, holding up his hands in surrender.

"I have told you several times now that I can't!" The king said, sounding annoyed, "I can't explain, but just trust me when I say I can't take her to either your establishments or the cafe's of Envy. And I'd rather kill myself than take her anywhere near Pride."

Fizz frowned as Asmodeus and the king argued back and forth. There was a puzzle he hadn't quite finished, but the pieces were starting to fit together.

Camila, working class, medic demon, not in Pride, Fizz thought. The strings were there, connecting everything as an image came to his mind,No access to Infernalnet or the news, so she's either from Wrath or Sloth. Can't be seen at Ozzie's, can't be seen in Envy…she almost sounds like an imp.

Fizz stopped, his whole body freezing up as the image came together.

No way.

It didn't seem possible, didn't seem at all possible in a million years…and yet the evidence was there.

Lucifer Morningstar was dating an imp.

It all added up: No access to the Infernalnet or the news, working class, can't access Ozzie's even with Asmodeus' express permission, wants to stay out of the spotlight, can't come to any of the ritzy royal places in the rings that Lucifer would have taken anyone else.

Lucifer Morningstar was dating an imp.

The King of Hell himself was dating an imp!

Fizz wanted to laugh, cry, and climb up to the top of Oz tower and proclaim the news for all to hear. He especially wanted to call up every last sneering jackass that'd evergiven Ozzie crap for being with an imp because the King of Hell was dating an imp!

It wasn't just the news of the millennium. It was the news of the damn Eon. Possibly the most news ever.

Fizz wanted to scream it from the rooftops for everyone everywhere to hear…

…but he wouldn't.

The king was dating an imp, had slept with them at least once and wanted to take them on a date again. If he announced the news to anyone, then it would be over. No more. Not at all.

Fizz had been with Ozzie for years before he had felt ready to announce their relationship. He'd been certain that he loved him and that Ozzie loved him back. They knew the risks and took it head on, no hesitation…okay, a bit of hesitation.

If this was a new relationship, then there would be none of that.

Camila would want to keep things extremely secret, telling not a single soul if possible. If news got out then it'd be utter chaos from both sides of the political spectrum. The class reformists would hold her up as a shining example that what type of demon you're born as doesn't matter, the relationship a beacon for what they wanted. But the class conservatives would lose their minds. It'd be like what happened when Ozzie announced his feelings to all of Greed except a thousand times worse. Forget an assassination attempt every other day, they'd be lucky to get away with several assassination attempts every few minutes!

The Goetia would lose their sh*t. Mammon would lose his sh*t. The Overlords of Pentagram City would lose their sh*t. Everyone everywhere would lose their sh*t!

"Ozzie," Fizz said finally, mind made up, "Let it go."

Both Lucifer and Asmodeus stared at the carnival imp in shock. Ozzie looked hurt while the king looked grateful.

"But Froggie-"

'Later,'Fizz mouthed to his love, who still looked hurt but nodded along. Fizz sighed, drew himself up and marched over to the King of Hell, a proud strut in his movements as he looked the king right in the eyes.

For his fellow imp, he would try his best.

"Ask her where she wants to go."

The simple answer threw both Asmodeus and Lucifer for a loop.

"Just…ask her?" the king asked, his voice confused, "That's allowed?"

Fizz nodded and Lucifer, looking unsure, did as he was told.

**********

'I'm still very new to town so I don't know any good places. However, I would love to take you to a place of your choosing.'

The text was simple, but it made Camila breathe a sigh of relief.

This was all new to her, as she hadn't dated in so long, and what she could remember was out of date entirely. She'd been a bit worried it would be someplace she was unfamiliar with, or too casual, or god forbid he try to take her to a fancy restaurant! That'd be embarrassing for a second date where they were just trying to get to know one another.

The ball was in her court now, though. She could control the pace.

She smiled and tucked her hair behind her other ear. He got her, he really did.

'There's a nice cafe on first and main that I like. It's classy but not too classy and they make the best coffee in Gravesfield. Maybe Saturday would work for you?'

Not even three seconds later, she had a response.

'Yes.'

She smiled again and Luz shook her back and forth, "Mom! Mom, you have a date!"

Camila's smile only grew. She had a date!

**********

"Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyoutha-" Lucifer happily rambled on, clinging to Fizz like a barnacle on a boat.

"Don't, uh, don't mention it your majesty," Fizz said awkwardly. Lucifer pulled away and beamed at him.

"You can call me Lucy, Fizzarolli. All my favorite people do."

Asmodeus gasped before an expression of pure joy and contentment crossed his three faces, the massive Sin looking like Sinmas came early this year. Fizz, meanwhile, he felt something odd in his chest. Perhaps it was pride?

"Only if you call me Fizz, Lucy," He heard himself say, shocked that the king of hell seemed to be an alright guy who wanted to keep it casual withhimof all people.

Lucifer let him go and practically jumped with joy, "I mean it, Fizz. You've got a rubber duck of yourself coming your way for this!"

…was that a threat?

The king turned back to his phone and began furiously typing, his expression giddy as he opened a portal and disappeared before popping his head back out, "Thank you so much, Ozzie. I want you to know that even though neither of you need it you both have my blessing!"

"Can we get that in writing?" Asmodeus asked, all three faces smirking.

"I'll proclaim it before the Royal Convocation if you want me to," Lucifer's expression turned warm, "Seriously, I can't thank you enough for this. I would stay and chat, but I have some planning to do, sooo…byeeee!"

The king did a jaunty little wave and disappeared, the portal closing behind him. With that done, Asmodeus smiled, happy as can be, before he sighed and sagged his shoulders, "Froggie, I wish you could have-"

Fizz grabbed Ozzie by the lapels and pulled him down enough that Fizz could hiss at him, shock in his every word, "The King of Hell is dating an imp."

"Oh," Asmodeus said simply before his eyes widened as he realized what his lover just said. Fizz could see him working the puzzle pieces together in his mind, which meant he also saw the moment Ozzie came to the same conclusion he did.

"Oh!"

And then Asmodeus' eyes widened even further before a full body wince went through him.

"Ohhh…"

Chapter 6: Second Date: Part One

Summary:

Lucifer gets ready for his big date and has an awkward talk with his daughter who certainly isn't planning anything nefarious...
Meanwhile, a troublesome Imp and his adopted daughter enter the plot, and also Connecticut

Notes:

Sorry about no chapter yesterday, got a bit sick. Also sorry about how rushed the Fizzi and Ozzie chapter was but it seems like everyone likes it so ill not complain.
Speaking of... i just want to say how grateful i am to all you readers: This is now my most read story on Ao3 and its not even been out a week! I'mn completely blown away and cant help but feel immense gratitude to you all. Thank you :)
Anyway, This chapter will be pretty Hell-Centric as we focus on their side before the big date, Camila will get the spotlight next chapter don't you worry.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer cackled sinisterly, interlocking his fingers beneath his chin and sent a sly smile at the scene before him.

"Yes," he hissed, "It's all coming together…"

He stood in his personal room, mountains of rubber ducks pushed aside to make a path towards his vanity. Razzle and Dazzle, official butlers of the Morningstar Dynasty and unofficial "Cutest Beings in any Dimension" worked to put his suit together. It had to be completely and absolutely perfect.

After all, it's what he was wearing for his second date.

The minute Lucifer got back from the Ring of Lust, he'd called Charlie in a panic and asked if he could borrow Razzle and Dazzle for a few days to make a new suit. This spawned into a three-hour conversation as the father and daughter spoke of whatever was on their mind to keep it going. He'd promised not to only call when he needed something after all, and simply calling to ask to borrow the butlers would have broken that.

Repairing his relationship with his daughter was an ongoing effort, having promised he'd call or text at least once a day in order to just talk and see how she was doing. It was an honest effort on his part, wanting to be back in Charlie's life after spending seven years in a depressive fugue state. Charlie, for her part, understood he was trying (hopefully).

Lucifer ceased the evil cackle and pinched the bridge of his nose. The talk after the aborted coronation would haunt him for centuries to come. He made his daughter believe she was a problem. How could he have done that to her?

He could feel his depression rearing up again. That horrible beast was threatening to consume him until he lay down in his bed, doing nothing for the next few weeks but cry and stare at the ceiling listlessly. He wanted to curl into a ball and never come out again. He wanted to close his eyes and never wake up. He wanted to-

"Baa!" Razzle said adorably as the demon butler batted his head against his leg, looking at the king with shining eyes and the cutest possible expression.

The suit was ready.

Silken thread from Lust had been turned into a pristine white suit that shone under the light. A red and white striped button up with the sleeves pinned up to stop at the bicep alongside shiny shoes made from pure Hellboar leather. A crimson red ascot from Cannibal Town in Pride (gifted from some Overlord named Rosie) would be around his neck while a pair of gloves from Wrath completed the set. All and all, he'd look quite dapper.

The depression inside him began to recede in the wake of excitement.Thisis what he would wear on his second date.

He was about to go on asecond date!

Today, he was going to the human world to take a lovely woman out to a café and they'd have a lovely time together. He had it all figured out: Show up, be a perfect gentleman, take her out to dinner, have a wonderful conversation, and then see if she wanted a third date.

Nothing could go wrong.

He reached out and brushed a hand along the material and found it to be smooth as, well…silk. Perfect.

"Thank you," He said to his two adorable butlers, the two flying goats saluting him and looking cute as can be, "I mean it, you're both getting a raise out of this!"

Excitement showed in their eyes and the two butler-goats immediately began to do figure eights in the air out of pure joy. A buzz sounded off in his pocket and he took it out to see who texted him. Very few had his personal number, and each one knew better than to bother him on such an important occasion.

'Dad! Dad! You won't believe what happened today, it's sooooo amazing!'

Ah, Charlie,a smile broke out on Lucifer's face. His daughter was texting him. That was a good sign, right? He couldn't remember the last time she tried to text him except maybe years ago, before she realized he was too depressed to ca-No.

No, he wouldn't think of that right now. Not when she needed him.

'I don't know, Char-Char. What happened?

'Come on, guess!'

Lucifer frowned, his mind racing as he got into his new suit. It was clearly something good judging by her excitement, yet he could think of nothing, making him frown harder. The fact he was struggling to come up with anything was a problem. He knew very little about his daughter nowadays other than the fact that she was running a hotel for redemption and dating an angel named Vaggie.

His thoughts about the viability of her hotel aside, he was glad that she was so passionate about something. He worried about how it'd affect her when she realized that it wouldn't work but saying that would probably make the angel woman hit him. Pretty obvious how much she wanted to.

Lucifer could feel the heavenly energy wafting off the one-eyed woman within seconds of being in her presence. Normally he'd be very concerned about someone fromthat placebeing close to his darling daughter, but Charlie probably already knew she was an angel given that they were together. More importantly, he saw the way Vaggie protected Charlie from…fromhimduring their talk after the coronation. She'd looked ready to fight him for her without hesitation.

Depression and pride warred within him, and he decided to try and focus on the good. Namely that his beloved daughter had a good girlfriend.

…hmm. There was an idea.

'Did your girlfriend propose?'

'Hdasghlkfhaskugk'

Lucifer blinked, wondering what in Hell was that supposed to be. He waited for a response, but the little typing bubbles never appeared so he finished getting ready. He was just getting his ascot into place when a ding came from the phone, to which he grabbed it and took a gander.

'Thank you for the heart attack, it was much appreciated'

He winced and went into full panic mode. Oh dear Father he screwed up badly! His fingers were a flurry of activity as he tried to make up for his horrid mistake.

'Charlie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that and you have my sincerest apologies.'

Before he could put his phone down to cry over his monumental screw up, a response came in.

'Dad, no! I was kidding. I appreciate what you said though.'

Another very fast response.

'I love you, dad.'

Wow, did Razzle and Dazzle bring in onions? Why were his eyes watering? He laughed, tears streaming down his face as he just hugged the phone to his chest before typing.

'I love you too, Charlie.'

'Anyway, what I wanted to say that has me so excited is we have our first redemption-seeker! He came in today after seeing some of the flyers around Pentagram and decided to come join us!'

Lucifer smiled, though this one was a tad more bitter, realizing that some of humanity's scum would come to his daughter's hotel now. He didn't like the people of his kingdom in general, more specifically those of Pride. In fact, he was fully willing to say he kind of hated them.

They brought down all the horrible things they did in life and spread it around like confetti. He'd placed great barriers throughout Pride to ensure that the Sinners couldn't leave the ring to spread throughout the rest of Hell. He hated them, what they did with Free Will, how they tarnished his Ring, and how they only gave in to their base desires upon falling.

And his lovely daughter wanted to save them.

If he weren't trying to save his relationship with her, he'd have scoffed and declared it impossible. A fool's errand atbest. But he was trying to have a relationship with his daughter again, so he held his tongue and chose his words carefully.

'That's awesome, Charlie! I'm very happy for you! What's his name?'

'His name is Angel Dust and he will be on the path to salvation in no time at all!'

'What does Mr. Dust do exactly?'

'Dont worry about it! He's on the path to redemption and that's all that matters!'

Oh, he wouldabsolutelyworry about it with a response like that. Thoughts of drug dealing, murder, and all the horrors of mankind rushed through his head before he shook it off. He reminded himself that his daughter was smart and powerful. She'd be fine…probably.

It may be best if he played it safe and sent someone to keep an eye on things. Razzle and Dazzle could turn into gigantic dragons in a pinch, but they were just two beings. Plus, they were there to help with the project, not to watch out for arriving Sinners with bad intentions.

He needed someone outside the Morningstar Dynasty, though his knowledge of who to send was spotty at best. He couldn't send a Sin, as they had their own rings to run. Sending an Overlord would be like inviting a fox to keep track of a chicken coop. Sending royal guards would simply make his daughter mad and feel infantilized, and it wasespeciallyimportant he not do that.

All the books on parenting he'd bought in a hurry after his and Charlie's talk had made it very clear that children didn't like beingtreatedlike children.

No, what Lucifer needed was someone low enough on the hierarchy of Hell to not arouse his daughter's suspicions, yet skilled enough to ensure her safety. Someone dependable and able to act as his proxy to look out for Charlie. But where in Hell would he find someone like that?

He shook his head. With a date to plan, now wasn't the time.

He'd obsessively planned out every detail to avoid potential screw ups. He'd perfected his human disguise to be utterly untraceable by Heavenly or Infernal creatures. To anyone from either afterlife, he'd both appear and come off as a normal human man.

He let the flames swirl up around him, chalk white skin turning a regular Caucasian white. His dimples lost the dark red circles, and his teeth became normal human ones rather than fangs. His eyes, once a fiery red, were now a simple green. As far as things went, he was now human.

'Lucius Magne' rolled his shoulders and looked into the mirror. "Hey Cam, it's me, Lucius!" He tried out, his voice awkward and unsure, "My, you look stunning tonight! I love what you did with your hair…?"

He trailed off and looked at his audience. Razzle and Dazzle were either unimpressed or had no thoughts in their heads at all. Their adorable eyes looked blank, so maybe it was the second one. Either way, he sighed and fixed his ascot.

"This is going to take some finesse. No half-assing yourself, no room for failure," He looked into the mirror determined, "This is your chance. You can do this. You can do this!"

He could do this. Now for the truly hard and awkward part: Asking his daughter for one last favor.

Hopefully, his relationship with her would survive.

**********

"And this would be your room!" Charlie said with a happy smile, showing the new tenant around the place.

Personally, Vaggie would rather be helping her girlfriend show off, but the king took Razzle and Dazzle off for reasons unknown (she tried asking Charlie why, but her face screwed up like she'd bitten a lemon). As such, she'd volunteered to bring up Angel Dust's stuff for lack of having anyone else to do so.

The fallen angel didn't know how she felt about the p*rn star. He clearly didn't believe in the cause, what with his exact words being "I'm just here cause rent is free and crack is expensive". Vaggie wanted to throw him out on his ass and wait for someone who actually wanted to change. But with Charlie so excited to finally have someone here, she bit her tongue and let the Sinner be.

The four-armed and very fluffy spider-Sinner was tall, standing above Charlie by a few inches at least. Whether or not it was because of the heels he wore, Vaggie didn't know. His clothing consisted of thigh high leather stockings and an open-chested vest that let his fluff hang out. He had pink irises, with the sclera of the right being yellow while the left was black. Lastly, he had a golden fang in his mouth.

"OINK!"

Oh, and he had a piglet.

Vaggierefusedto admit that the piglet was adorable, suppressing the urge to hug it to her chest. The baby Hellboar looked up at them with such soft eyes that she almost broke down and started gushing in Spanish then and there. But she was Charlie's armor, her stalwart spear, her love and bodyguard until death do they part.

So, she would do her duty and ignore thevery cutepiglet.

Angel Dust was currently strutting about the spacious, empty room as he looked at it appraisingly, nodding at random things and stroking his chin. "Nice digs," He finally declared, Charlie looking ready to explode from happiness, "This all mine? Don't have to share with anybody else?"

"Nope!" Charlie said happily, moving in and throwing her arms wide, "This will be your personal space while on the path to redemption!"

"And…you're sure the rent is free?" Angel Dust stressed, keeping his eyes on the princess as she nodded furiously, "Cool. Beats being with Val by a long shot."

Val…Vaggie knew that name from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. The name was bugging her though, sending off signals of'Danger'in her brain.

"I'm sorry about your friend," Charlie grabbed his hands and looked pleadingly at him, her expression completely earnest, "You can visit Val as much as you want if that's okay! In fact, we'd be happy to have him ov-"

"No!" Angel Dust yanked his hands out of Charlie's grasp, seeming terrified for some reason, though he quickly smoothed back into disinterested smugness, "I mean, Val's busy and I'll see him a lot at work since he's, you know, my boss and all. No need to brin-"

"You work forValentino of theVee's!?" Vaggie asked angrily, dropping his stuff onto the ground and glaring at him as the connection between 'Val' and her own memory finished, "TheOverlordValentino? The one who spreads poison throughout the lower districts and controls the p*rn and drug trade? That'Val'?"

Something passed through Angel Dust's eyes too quickly to name, but the spider Sinner just shrugged and offered a flippant smirk, "Yeah babe. I'm a p*rn star, he's the head of the p*rn industry - what's not to get?"

"Please don't call my girlfriend'babe,'" Charlie clasped her hands and offered a gentle smile even as Vaggie fumed next to her. Angel Dust, for his part, shrugged and lay down on his bed, the little piglet jumping up next to him and curling up into a small ball.

Vaggierefusedto admit it was cute.

"Fine, fine," Angel waved three of his hands while the forth stroked the piglet's back, "Me and Fat Nuggets are gonna set up the new room while you two…I don't know, help the million other people wanting into the building?"

"You're the first and so far only resident," Charlie answered, her smile turning into a grimace. Angel just smirked in response, telling Vaggie he was definitely messing with them.

Pendejo puta,she seethed, resisting the urge to go up and punch that smug look right off of his stupid fa-

A chime sounded from Charlie's pocket, it being one of her favorite songs from Lu Lu World theme park. She gasped and pulled out her phone, staring with wide eyes.

"Someone's at the door!" Charlie exclaimed with such happiness that she sent a smug look right back at the p*rn star, his expression a little bit shocked. An expression of disinterest came back on his face as he started playing with the little piglet. The princess practically dragged Vaggie out the room, which Angel closed with a loud slam, and towards the stairway to the lobby. She was talking a mile a minute, wanting to convey as much information as physically possible, all while Vaggie struggled to keep up with her.

The perils of being a short woman dating a tall woman: You have to run to keep up with them.

Charlie didn't walk so much as she skipped her way over to the main doors. She flung them open with a wide smile, "Welcome to the Happy Hotel: Where Redemption is a hop, a skip, and…and a…Dad?"

Oh sh*t!Vaggie panicked, struggling to smooth down her clothes to appear presentable before the King of Hell. While still absolutely furious at him, she could see that he was earnestly trying for Charlie's sake. He didn't just say that stuff about 'being a better dad' to make her stop crying. He seemed completely honest in his words and efforts.

She'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now. But if he screwed up again and made her cry again, she was taking her spear and ramming it up his ass.

Finally getting the last wrinkle out, she looked up, only to do a double take at the king looking so…human. His skin was different, his eyes were different, even his damn teeth were different! If he didn't look like a practical twin of Lucifer, she would never have guessed he was even a citizen of Hell, much less the king of it. To top it off, she couldn't sense any Infernal energy from him.

It was completely uncanny.

Charlie clearly thought the same because she just kinda stared at her father in shock before clearing her throat, "Dad…why do you look human?"

"Ah Charlie!" The king strode past her and did a twirl, taking in the in-need-of-renovation Hotel with an awkward grimace, "It's very…it's, um…"

"We're still ironing out the kinks," Charlie explained, too shocked to sound hurt, "Now why do you-"

"Nonsense, I'll have some of the best contractors in Hell come over to make the place presentable!" He came over and nudged his daughter's side with his elbow, "No spiderwebs and cracked walls for my daughter! This place will be the envy of all Pride by the time it's fixed up."

Charlie gave a small, awkward smile in response, "Thank you. Now how about you tell me why-"

"I know Lust has a good architectural sense to it. Why, I could ask your Uncle Ozzie to spare me some people and-"

"Dad!" Charlie finally interrupted, causing the king to stop and listen, "I love that you're here and I desperately want to show you around, but why do you look human?"

Lucifer's laugh was incredibly stiff, rubbing the back of his head while his eyes shifted about instead of looking at his daughter. Vaggie narrowed her one good eye even as Charlie grew concerned.

"It's because, ah…" He began before closing his mouth, glancing nervously, "I might be going up to the human world for a bit?"

"How long is'a bit'going to be?" Vaggie asked as she crossed her arms, leveling a stern look at the king, who could only wince.

"...until my date's done?"

Charlie didn't respond and turned to her girlfriend. The Princess of Hell had a million different emotions going through her eyes, far too many for Vaggie to properly discern. Still, she could tell the emotions weren't good. A mixture of a smile and grimace made its way on Charlie's face as she looked down at her father.

Lucifer took a step forward and began wringing his hands, "Charlie, I know how you feel about this-"

"That's great!" Charlie exclaimed as both Vaggie and Lucifer stared at her. The princess was grinning from ear to ear, hands clasped as she looked honestly happy for him…sort of, "I'msooohappy you decided to do this!"

"...really?" The king sounded so hopeful and earnest.

"OfcourseI'm happy you're moving on!" Charlie practically rushed forward to pull her father into a hug, "It'sfine!It's totallyfine!Anything I can help with?"

Lucifer rubbed the back of his head, "Actually, uh…if you don't mind, could I borrow the family limo? I know you use it to get around Pentagram but I…I don't actually know how to drive. I was going to have Razzle drive me."

"Of course you can borrow the limo! I just need to check that it's full of gas and have ateensy wordwith Dazzle. So, if you don't mind, Vaggie will entertain you!" Charlie dashed out of the room, leaving the King of Hell alone with his daughter's girlfriend.

Vaggie was almost certain that Charlie was up to something. She'd practically been forcing her words out through that entire conversation. Lucifer clearly noticed as well, judging by his guilty expression.

"I'm sorry," he began, not looking at Vaggie, but at the door Charlie exited, "I didn't want to come looking like this. I knew it'd upset Charlie and-"

"Then why did you?" Vaggie seethed as she tried, and failed, to restrain her anger. She was many things: An angel born of Heaven, a former Exorcist, someone with the blood ofthousandson her hands, flawed beyond measure, and a broken woman. But first and foremost, she was Charlie's guardian angel. Oh sure, Heaven would throw a fit if they heard that, but she didn't care what those hypocritical, judgmental assholes thought. Not after Lute cut out her left eye while her boss just watched and laughed.

Sometimes, Charlie was the only reason Vaggie got up in the morning. When the weight of all she'd done came crashing down on her, of what she'd been forbidden from ever returning to, her girlfriend's smile would brighten whatever dark, twisted, ugly thing she had in place of a soul.

And she wouldnever,everforgive those who hurt Charlie.

Lucifer gave a bone-deep sigh, sagging, "Because I want both things to work. I want to try my hand at romance and to have a daughter again." His eyes gained a determined glint, "I want my cake and to eat it too."

Vaggie just continued to glare as he fidgeted underneath her gaze. Finally, she huffed, "If you ever hurt her again…I don't care if you're the Morning Star. Iwillkill you."

He smiled, "If I hurt her again, I'll let you."

She nodded and he reached out a hand. It was to the sight of her and Lucifer shaking on it that Charlie returned to.

"You're both getting along! Great!" She hugged them both, "I'm glad!" Her smile was almost manic as she looked at her father, "Dad, Razzle's ready to drive the limo. It's got enough gas to take you wherever you want in the human world. So, you know, have fun on your…" an awkward grimace crossed her lips before her smile returned, "Date."

"Charlie…" Lucifer tried, his expression pained, "I'm really sorry."

Charlie's fake smile dimmed before a more honest one appeared, "You can make it up to me with those Lust Contractors. I could use some good renovations for the building."

"I'll get right on it when I get back," He gained an honest smile of his own, "Plus taking a tour of the place and meeting Mr. Dust."

Charlie's wide smile became even more honest, "He seems like a swell guy. I think you'll like him! He has the cutest little pet piglet that's just so adorable!"

"El cerdito es muy lindo…" Vaggie muttered in irritation. Why did the jerk have to have a cute pet? It wasn't fair.

Lucifer strolled out of the building with a hop in his step as he made his way to the royal limousine.

"Alright, so now that that's out of the way-" Vaggie began only to be cut off by Charlie cackling. It was an evil, sinister cackle as the princess interlocked her fingers beneath her chin.

Or it would be, if Charlie could ever pull off 'evil' or 'sinister' to save her life. As it was, the laugh came off more as adorable and cute. Vaggie wanted to reach over and boop her loveable dork of a girlfriend on the nose.

So she did.

"Boop!" She said with a grin, the cackle cutting off with an embarrassed squeak.

"Vaggie!" Charlie whined, "I was being all dark and spooky!"

"Adorablydark and spooky," Vaggie chuckled. Charlie pouted and leaned against her lovingly. "Hun, tell me," the fallen angel began, "What exactly are you planning?"

Charlie's grin came back full force as she explained her entire plan. Vaggie groaned, realizing this was going to be a long night.

**********

The Ring of Pride, as befitting the largest of the seven rings, was massive and overpopulated, divided into Nine Circles that surrounded Pentagram City like the gears of a clock. Many different cities dotted the landscape, but one of the most cluttered was Imp City: A congested and overflowing thing for the rejects and outcasts of Pentagram itself.

Unlike the infernal 'grandeur' of Pentagram, Imp City was more basic and built to hold a population. The refuse of the seven rings made its home here. They ranged from Sinners who couldn't make it in Pentagram, imps and hellhounds fleeing persecution, hellborn wanting to start over, and other such outcasts.

Many skyscrapers filled the city to the brim, each one built in the infernal design of Hell. Located in the more rundown part of Imp City was an office building with two massive horns jutting off the sides, making it appear as if it were an imp itself. Said building was home to many businesses of a less than legal nature. Of course, Imp City had no laws, just like the rest of Pride, so all businesses were illegal by design. Somehow, however, the businesses here were sketchier than most.

Take, for instance, the nature of the business that shall soon insert itself into our tale.

"Look, for the last time, we don't accept'exposure'as damn payment! You either pay us up front or f*ck off!"

Immediate Murder Professionals was an assassination business with a unique selling point: They got revenge on the living for you.

Someone murder you? Call I.M.P. Someone screw you over while alive? Call I.M.P. Someone did both? Call I.M.P.

It was a lucrative business that happened to spit in the face of theonlylaw all Seven Rings of Hell had:Don'tinterfere with the affairs of mortals in a way that would get Heaven's attention.

Currently, the leader of I.M.P, Blitzø (the O was silent) was arguing with the latest client. The imp with curling horns was clad in his usual attire of a black long coat and black slacks with boots. The phone he'd pressed up against the burnt part of his face, held in a white-knuckled grip, was currently shaking.

"I don't care if he got you sent to the electric chair, we need payment up front, asshole! Come back when you have some pocket change!"

Slamming the phone (and the angry Sinner on the other side) down on the receiver till it turned off, Blitz leaned back and just contemplated life. He was, at the very least, in a better place now than he was a year ago. His relationship with his childhood friend was finally improving after so many years of hatred. His adopted daughter, while not respecting him (he doubted she could respect anyone) was doing better with him. They were stronger now at least. Moxxie and Millie were off having a baby and being happier than ever. As for his relationship with Stolas…

Okay, his relationship with Stolas was a burning dumpster fire. To be fair, Stolas only liked him for sex, so it didn't matter that Blitzmighthave ruined everything. That horrible night at Ozzie's (that those damn hypocrites still never apologized for) pretty much confirmed that Stolas saw him as a toy. Nothing more.

And to think, he had started to believe otherwise!

So yeah, Blitz didn't call him at the hospital even after he got hurt. Nor did he try calling him much lately. It wasn't like Stolas actually cared.

Satan, but he would give anything for a distraction from his horrible relationship woes.

As if summoned by his desperate prayer, his lovely daughter Loona popped her head in with her usual perpetual frown, "Got a case for you, Blitz."

"Call me dad!"

"Blitz," Loona stressed. It was fine, he knew she loved him in her own special way. Blitz would get another 'Dad' out of her soon. It was fate!

He leafed through the file to see a simple enough job: Client wants them to kill some asshole cop who shot him dead. Blitz could do that in his sleep!

"Hey…um, Blitz?"

Nowthattone was unusual from his daughter. He looked up to see her giving him an expression that bordered on worried mixed with annoyed.

"So, I was talking to my friend Octavia-"

Oh no.

"She says her dad's been pretty down in the dumps lately since…well, since you stopped calling, actually."

No no no, please…

"I was just wondering…a-are you and he, um, break-"

"Loony!" Blitz cried out with as much false joy as he could muster, even using the pet name he loved but he knew she hated. He rushed up and grabbed his daughter by the shoulder, pulling the much taller Hellhound down to around his height to ask, "How would you like to go out on the job with me?"

"Oryou could just ask Moxxie and Millie to come back?"

"Nonsense Loony! Millie's preggers as f*ck and Moxxie's useless about his pregnant wife getting into violent bloodbaths, so it's just going to be us for a bit longer," Blitz was happy for them, he really was. He wasn't jealous about the fact he probably wasn't going to be Hellfather to the child at all. No sirree, no he wasn't.

They'd probably give the position to one of Millie's stupid brothers. He didn't care if he used to like them. He hated them now for that fact alone.

Loona just looked at him with an…odd expression, "You know, I bet Stolas would want to tal-"

Blitz blatantly ignored her, dragging his adopted daughter along towards the door, "What's that? You want to join me on this mission?"

"Blitz…" It was odd, Loona almost sounded sad. For him.

He ignored it.

"Of course you can join me!" He looked at her expectantly.

His daughter caved, "Alright fine, where are we going?"

"Some place called Connecticut."

**********

Lucifer, or'Lucius', got out of the limo. He marveled at the sights and feelings of the mortal world. The air was cooler than in Hell, the clouds weren't caught in the glow of the eternal Pentagram, and the moon hung far in the distant sky instead of the forever unattainable Heaven. It was a beautiful night, one being able to see all the constellations he'd helped create with Michael and Gabriel.

Thoughts of his long estranged angelic family brought a deep melancholy to him. He hadn't seen any of them since his fall. He remembered when he and Michael made Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, laughing and throwing raw Creation at one another like snowballs. Then Gabriel sneak attacked them both and they all fell down to Heaven in laughter.

He missed them. He missed his little sister, Gabriel. He missed his twin brother, Michael.

He was more than certain they didn't miss him, however.

He shook his head, now was not the time for sadness. Now was the time for gladness!

His date was…well, it was now.

He waved off the limo and Razzle drove away, a few humans staring oddly at the personal vehicle of the Morningstar Dynasty. He wasn't sure why, but either way, he'd followed the directions Camila gave him and was now here.

The building was warm, composed of red bricks with frosted windows surrounded by flower baskets. Fairy lights were strung around the edge of the roof and a pleasant outdoor area was pretty barren save for two young women. One of them had a weird purple hat on that he swore was looking at him, whispering furiously to one another as they looked between their menu and one of the windows.

He stood nervously before the door, taking a deep breath as he entered the cafe.

Showtime.

Notes:

Huh, I wonder what Charlie is planning? Surely not the same thing another daughter is planning next chapter...
Next Chapter: Camila gets ready for her big date while her daughters plan nothing nefarious let me tell you.

Chapter 7: Second Date: Part Two

Summary:

Date preparations from the more Human-Adjacent side of things. Camila worries, Luz plans, Vee joins in, and Masha groans in annoyance
Just another night at the Noceda's

Notes:

I like how many people thought Charlie put a hit out on Camila last chapter. Its not what happened at all but it is kinda funny that I can see where you all came from. The truth of what Charlie is up to will be revealed... next chapter
As an aside, i have two announcements to make: One. I have edited the beginning of the I.M.P. section to better reflect the nature of the Pride ring as canon has it... actually, canon makes more sense than what i was accidentally implying anyway (that Pentagram is the be all and end all of Pride) so now that section references the existence of the hundreds more cities of Pride throughout the nine rings... i have also done some general editing of previous chapters. Nothing major, just grammar stuff and weird sentences.
The second thing i wanted to announce... This story now has a TV Tropes page! the lovely MetropolisMCU over on Spacebattles made it yesterday and i am forever grateful. Go check it out here: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/ADivineRomanticComedy

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Camila stared at the bottle before her.

It was a brisk afternoon; the sun was low in the sky. Pretty soon, she'd be off on her date, making a smile break out on her face at the thought. She actually had a date! A date with a nice, handsome man who truly got her.

She and Lucius had been texting on and off for the past few days like teenagers. He'd sent her pictures of rubber ducks while she sent pictures of animals that came into the clinic. Texting was, well, it was fun. She was truly enjoying talking to him, and tonight, they'd be on a date. So long as she didn't bring up anything related to magic or the Boiling Isles, it'd go swimmingly. She'dtryto make it go swimmingly, anyway.

She'd broken out some old jewelry she didn't wear much anymore: a nice pair of dangling silver earrings from her mother before she passed and a simple golden necklace that…that Manny bought for their one-year anniversary.

And now she was wearing it on a date.

She hoped Manny would understand. Hoped that he'd forgive her this, but she…she wanted to see if this would work.

It'd been a long time since she felt, well,desired. Since someone had looked at her and wanted to sweep her off of her feet.

Lucius liked her, and he liked her well enough to sleep with her on their first (drunken) date, even asking for a second. He liked her enough to send her compliments just because he could. He liked her enough to show off his rubber duck collection, which she found very cute in a dorky way, and she'd even told him about her old cosplay habit.

She really wanted this to work.

But as she dressed up for the date, another problem occurred. It left her sitting down for ten minutes to contemplate things as she stared at the bottle of hazel hair dye.

Camila knew she was showing her age, what with her hair now streaked with gray and her laugh lines more pronounced. She was no longer a young woman going to her first Cosmic Frontier convention where she'd have a chance meeting with a wonderful man and fall deeply in love. No, she was certain she qualified as mature now.

Maybe it'd be best to cover her gray streaks, but Lucius…he didn't seem to care about it when they did what they did. Even now, a small blush came to her cheeks at the hazy memories of that night. No, he was charming and didn't care at all that she had gray in her hair.

But this wouldn't be a chance meeting in a bar that might lead to a relationship. This was an actual date at an actual café. Here, they'd find out if what they felt the first time was just a fluke or something they wanted to pursue.

Camila turned the bottle over in her hands as she kept thinking it over.

Eda, her darling daughter's mentor/other mother figure would have just said screw it and not bothered with the hair dye at all. Then again, Eda had an epic storybook romance going on with a childhood friend that'd taken decades to develop. Now they're married with an adopted god baby as a son. She didn't really need to worry about using hair dye to attract someone.

Lilith, Luz's cool aunt that Camilatotallydidn'thave conflicted feelings over (what with the bridge fight and all), used to dye her hair to appear more serious and fit in. Camila related and thought about asking, but remembered Lilith stopped a while ago and was now openly rocking her gray streaks. She also, like her sister, wasn't out to attract anyone. Albeit more out of complete disinterest, so she was biased about it.

Camila, still staring at the bottle, was mostly going off gut instincts and fervent hopes.

Back before…everything, she viciously smoothed out anything that made her look out of place. She'd trimmed her gray hair, dyed all her roots, ironed it flat, and dressed professionally as much as possible. It was all to appear a serious person and leave the bullied girl she'd been far behind. But in her efforts to make a better life for herself and her daughter, she ended up overcorrecting hard, almost driving Luz away.

The night when Luz appeared in the headlights as a misty apparition, telling her she chose to remain in a place called the demon realm, was one of the worst nights of Camila's life. She'd spent the night crying her eyes out, a hundred different guilty thoughts rushing through her head.

Did I do this?Camila had wondered back then,Did I push my daughter so far that Hell would be better than home?

After that horrible night, she'd done a lot of soul searching and book buying to ensure that when (not if, when) Luz returned, she could make her daughter feel properly loved and cared for.

Though she didn't miss those old days of giving in to societal pressure, Camila wished she'd kept some of her old styling materials. It would have made getting ready a lot easier. While she wouldn't iron her hair or anything like that, she wondered about the gray streaks since she stopped covering them up. After all these years, she was thinking of doing so again.

God, dating was hard after so long.

She shouldn't be this worried; it was a simple date to see if they truly clicked. She'd show up, have some nice coffee, engage in a nice conversation, and see where the night led her.

Simple as could be.

Camila looked up at the clock and sighed. Even if she decided on using hair dye, it wouldn't set before the date happened. She was out of luck on that front.

Hope he likes gray hair,Camila mused, gathering up her chosen dress and finished getting ready.

**********

Meanwhile, down in the basem*nt, a very serious gathering was taking place.

"Does everyone know their part of the plan?" Luz asked, pacing back and forth with a serious expression on her face. She'd exchanged her purple abomination jacket for a simple green one and paired it with an old striped shirt. Stringbean, her adorable Palisman, was currently shifted into a baton as she tried to look like an army general.

Masha and Vee sat down before her and nodded seriously. Vee had shifted into a more casual outfit of black slacks and a white t-shirt, pen and paper in hand as she furiously scribbled notes. Masha, meanwhile, had their black combat boots, black cargo pants, green skull shirt, and brown bomber jacket. Unlike their girlfriend, the goth enby was pinching the bridge of their nose in annoyance.

"Vee!" Luz exclaimed, pointing the Palisman baton at her sister's face, "What is your task tonight?"

Vee sat up and puffed out her chest proudly, "To make sure nothing interrupts their date!"

"Perfect! Stringbean, pat her head," Stringbean shifted back into her base form and patted Vee's fluffy head. She then shifted into a beanie atop Luz's head as the human turned to Masha, "Masha! What is your task tonight?"

"Don't you think this is going a bit far?" Masha asked. The two girls blinked at them and they sighed, shoulders sagged, "I mean you're both college age students with jobs who beat up an evil emperor. Isn't it alittleimmature to spy on your mom's date?" Vee and Luz looked even more confused, at which point Masha finally gave up, muttering "My job is to be the getaway driver."

"Great!" Luz said, blatantly ignoring Masha's very reasonable claims. She wanted to scrapbook her mom's fir-no, second date, but firstofficialone with Lucius Magne. The plan was simple: Masha would drive them over to the building next to the café where they would get an outside table to spy-no,casually observeMom's date in secret.

And to bail her out if he wound up being a creep or something.

Luz would admit that, after living in the Boiling Isles for so long, she went out of her way to prepare for every possible eventuality.

"Vee, what do we do if he turns out to be a vampire?"

Everyeventuality.

Masha groaned as Vee searched her notebook and found the correct page, "It says we get garlic flowers and make Mom a crown before throwing rice at his feet."

Luz nodded, "Werewolf?"

Vee leafed forward a few pages, "True Silver."

"That might be a bit hard. Eda said the only piece of True Silver left in the isles fell into the Boiling Seas, but it'll be fine. I bought a dog whistle online," Luz fished the whistle out of her pocket while Masha groaned again.

"Alright, Demon?"

"Ask him about his political beliefs around Emperor Belos."

"Illuminati?"

"Find out if he's the good kind of Illuminati or the bad kind."

"Also," Masha broke in, deciding to partake of the madness, "Blackmail him for an interview with Verosika Mayday."

Both Vee and Luz stared at them in shock, the latter asking, "Wait, youlikeVerosika?"

"I thought you didn't like Pop music?" Vee asked her significant other.

"Idon't," Masha answered honestly. They found Verosika to be mid at best, but that didn't mean that they weren't obsessed with finding out the truth behind the Miami Spring Break Disaster.

Dozens dead, many more wounded, all at a Verosika Mayday concert that the government classified to hell and back. Masha craved to know if it was a rogue sea monster like one infamous picture claimed it was and not photoshop like everyone else said.

Luz shook her head and moved on, "Alright, and if he's an alien?"

Vee just looked at Luz pityingly, "Luz, aliens aren't real."

"You're a shape-shifting slug beast from another dimension that feeds off of actual magic, and you still don't believe in aliens!?" Luz questioned, staring wide-eyed at her sister.

"Well yeah," Vee co*cked her head to the side in confusion, "All of that is logical and based on science. Aliens are just science fiction."

"It has the word science in it!"

"That doesn't mean it's possible, Luz!"

"I've shown you the proof!"

"You've shown me nothing that can't be explained by the Boiling Isles leaking over!"

Once again, Luz and Vee re-entered the age old'are aliens real?'argument. Masha knew for a fact they'd be at it for hours, and left upstairs to get some water. Best leave now in the early stages before the two try to drag them into the argument. They navigated their way through the house, managing to get a nice cold glass when someone came down the stairs.

Mrs. Noceda looked very pretty, jewelry shining in the light and matched the nice calf-length red summer dress she wore. She'd foregone make-up to just let her face be natural, though she did have some light blush on her cheeks. Overall, she looked stunning.

"Looking good, Mrs. Noceda," Masha said as they stomped loudly on the floor to try and draw the arguing sisters' attention.

"Ay-thank you, Masha," Camila laughed and waved the compliment away, "I just got this old thing out of the closet and decided it looked nice. You don't think it's too much, do you?"

"Nah, it's classy but not too classy. Plus, it's not like the guy's gonna show up in a full three-piece suit and tie. You should be good," Masha nodded, rubbing their chin sagely while continuing to stomp on the floor. The act led to Camila staring at them in resignation.

"They're going to spy on my date, aren't they?" she asked, to which Masha shrugged. Camila sighed ruefully with a small smile, "Those girls will be the death of me." She looked them in the eye, "Please try to keep them out of trouble. I'd rather not have Mr. Magne worried about being stalked this evening."

Masha gave a lazy salute, resolving to do just that. Camila was a nice lady who more than deserved this, so they wouldn't let her down. Finally, after one last stomp, Luz and Vee got the memo and came up the stairs.

"Masha!" Vee cried, clearly irritated, "You'll break the floor if you keep…"

She trailed off as the sisters caught sight of their mom, who smiled shyly, "Do I look okay?"

Luz had a watery smile, fighting back tears as she wiped at her face, "You look amazing, mama," she said with a scratchy voice, "He'll love it…" She was so full of different emotions, glancing between her mom and a picture of her dad on the wall.

"You're gonna knock him dead, Camila!" Vee said happily as she grabbed Masha's hand, "She looks amazing, doesn't she?"

"Already said that while the two of you were arguing about aliens again."

Camila laughed while Luz and Vee blushed. Their famous, often hours long arguments about aliens and the validity thereof often shook the house.

At least the Hexsquad isn't here to join in,Masha remembered how Amity and Hunter could get quite heated when they argued. Especially since last time it happened, the witch and Grimwalker almoststrangledeach other.

Before anything else could be said, an alarm on Camila's phone went off. Looking up at the clock on the wall, she took a deep breath, "It's time." She turned to the three of them, "Please try to be subtle when you inevitably spy on me."

"Wha-? No! We'd never do that!" Luz looked anywhere but at her mom while Vee fiddled with her hands, whistling innocently.

Camila sighed, "Masha, keep them out of trouble, please?"

Masha saluted and Camila smiled gratefully as she went out the door. To their credit, Vee and Luz at least waited for her car to disappear down the street before they sprang into action.

"Alright!" Luz declared as she started putting her shoes on, "Operation: Stealthy Cupidis a go!"

Masha sighed, getting out their keys. This was going to be a long night.

**********

The Robinson Café was a nice locale, made of red brick with a nice wooden flooring. It had warm lights from the chandeliers and many bookshelves around for patrons to read at their leisure. Couches were situated in the back for a more casual experience, usually board game nights, with tables in the front and around the outside for more personal encounters.

Camila usually came here on her days off to pick up a good book, drink some mocha, and ruminate about life. This would be the first time she ever came for a date. She'd dreamed of bringing Manny here a few times, but he was too sick to leave the hospital and it remained an unlikely dream.

Then that dream became an impossible one.

And now, years later, she was going toactuallyhave a date with someone here.

This was it; this was her second date with Lucius.

She smiled as she slowly stirred her mocha latte, just enjoying her time. She'd gotten a few looks for being dressed as nice as she was, but she tried not to let it show on her face. This washernight, and she was going to have fun, God willing.

Now if only she could get her nerves to settle. After all, her first date with him wasn't really a date until the very end. She'd simply been making a friend until she found herself thinking he was very handsome and truly got her. There was a barrier of it not being quite romantic till the latter half to fall back on.

Now? Now it was going to be romantic from the start. The thought made her square her shoulders and take a deep breath.

It'll be fine. Totally fine. I've got this, it'll go fine.

She'd simply play it by the ear and see where things went. And if things didn't work out, then they didn't work out. But if they did…well, then she might be seeing more of him in the future.

That wouldn't be such a bad thing, Camila smiled before focusing on the cafe entrance. Every time a person came through, she found herself glancing up to see if it was Lucius, getting a bit disappointed when it wasn't. So far there were: A group of teens from Gravesfield High going towards the back to play D&D, a much older gentleman who came to read a book, and a tall goth girl and her much shorter companion coming to sit at a corner booth and have an awkward conversation. She vaguely heard the words'daughter'thrown about, so she assumed they were related.

And so, she waited.

**********

Outside of Robinson, far enough from Camila's gaze that they couldn't be seen, a basilisk and her human witch sister sat and spied. Although if asked, they weren'tspyingper say, but rather making safe observations where their target couldn't see them.

Most certainlynotspying.

Vee alternated between glancing at the menu and looking into the window towards her mom. Luz kept a careful lookout, sizing up every single person who approached before either writing them off or nudging Vee to get her opinion.

"Could that be him?" Luz whispered, staring at the thin haired, bushy bearded gentleman approaching the café.

"Maybe," Vee glanced up and narrowed her eyes. She just got ready to begin her mission and keep watch for potential date ruiners when the man got out his phone. He started loudly (veryloudly) arguing with someone over the line while walking past the café entirely. "So that's another bust, " she said, Luz nodding sadly. Checking her phone, Vee furrowed her brow, "He's a few minutes late. He better not have gotten cold feet."

"If he does, I'm calling Eda and the Hexsquad," Luz said severely, a terrible threat if ever there was one. Vee had only met Luz's mentor a few times (mostly after Belos died), but she knew Eda was as fierce as a Slitherbeast when it came to those she cared about. If Mr. Magne hurt mom, then Eda would make him suffer for it.

Vee just got out her phone to check the time again, only for the oddest thing to happen: She smelled magic.

It was very faint, but it approached rapidly and grew in strength. Normally, she wouldn't have bothered noticing it since she'd fed not even two hours ago. However, there was something just…offabout this magic.

It didn't taste like Boiling Isles magic, or any magic she'd ever tasted before. There was an almost spicy tang to it that reminded her of Habaneros hot sauce. Vee began to down her water when suddenly, it disappeared.

No more spicy magic.

And just as she finished drinking, the limo appeared. It was an odd thing, made of pristine white metal with shining gold lining instead of chrome. A fanged mouth was caught in a permanent snarl on the grill, headlights shaped like six reptilian eyes. The thing was so clearly custom-built that only a highly ritzy person could afford it. Suffice to say, everyone, from Luz to Vee to the random couple walking their dog, all stared at the opulent vehicle.

The door opened, sliding upward like only the most pretentious of rich people's cars did, and out stepped quite possibly the most well-dressed man Vee had ever seen. His clothes, being pristine white pants and white sleeves beneath a red and white striped vest, almost seemed to glow. With his crimson ascot, plus his shiny leather shoes and gloves, he looked like the villain of an old western movie about industrialization. Either that or like the world's most obvious vampire. That aside, he was pretty nondescript, with golden hair, green eyes, and pale skin.

Vee supposed he looked pretty handsome. Definitely on the short side, but he seemed to walk with a proud strut in his step as he waved at the limo. The driver couldn't be seen at all with how dark the windows were, but seemed to oblige, the vehicle leaving merrily around the corner and out of sight.

The man smiled, showing off pearly whites that glinted in the light of the streetlamp, and made his way to the café.

"So that guy could be Mom's date," Luz said, trying to see where the limo went before giving up and looking the man up and down, "He looks…did mom snag an actual millionaire?"

Vee hastily got out her notebook, rereading what to do in case Camila's date turned out to be a vampire, just as the man entered the café.

**********

Camila looked up and smiled, catching sight of familiar golden hair slicked back into a roguish style. She took a deep, nervous breath as Lucius Magne walked into the building.

Showtime.

Notes:

Don't worry Vee, Lucius isn't a vampire.
It's so much worse than that :P
Next Chapter: The date finally starts and Camila and 'Lucius' try their best to have a nice date.
Hopefully everyone currently spying on them don't ruin it

Chapter 8: Second Date: Part Three

Summary:

The Date begins... let's hope it goes well, eh?

Notes:

For some reason i found this chapter surprisingly hard to write. I dont know why, maybe because i wasnt feeling it? Either way, this is what im gonna stick with so it is what it is. Also, i found that the section containing what Blitz and Loona have been up to took so much time away from the date that i made the executive decision to cut that part into it's own little interlude next chapter.
Also, fair warning: This chapter contains a Jacob Hopkins jumpscare.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Lucius, you made it!" Camila smiled as her date arrived. His whole face lit up upon seeing her, which did quite a number on her nervousness.

"Camila!" He said, arms wide as he stepped forward, only to obviously second guess himself, blush, and offer a simple handshake, "Sorry, I don't know how to…well, greet you." He scratched his cheek shyly, "You look…you lookamazing."

Oh gosh,Camila blushed, her stomach fluttering. She'd forgotten how nice it was to be complimented by a handsome man. She awkwardly smiled at him and his chosen wardrobe. He'd gone above and beyond for this, making her anxious. "You certainly look dashing yourself," she said, "I didn't think you'd dress up that much."

"Oh, this?" He looked down at his fancy clothes with a small shrug, "I just decided to have something more casual than my usual. No biggie."

He had a whole suit made for this date and thought that wascasual?Her theory that he was some big executive skyrocketed back to her mind. Was she on a date with a millionaire?

They sat down at the table and an awkward silence fell.

Camila found herself too nervous to start. This was the date she'd been looking forward to for a while. Now that it was here, she couldn't think of anything to say. Lucius seemed to be the same, opening his mouth a few times, only to cough, scratch his cheek, and look away. Finally he drew in a deep breath and blurted out, "So, what do you do?"

Camila stared and Lucius cringed. She offered a grateful smile, "I'm a veterinarian, actually."

"Oh," He nodded and steepled his hands, "So you work with…?"

Camila blinked, "Animals?"

"Right, yes. Animals!" He gave an awkward and shaky smile, "I totally knew that, yes."

"...I've been sending you photos of animals all week."

"Which told me you were a veteneran, yes," Lucius' leg could be heard tapping away underneath the table in awkward anxiety.

"Veterinarian."

"That's what I said, yeah."

Camila was starting to think he may be a bit out of touch with the world. In an effort to save him, she asked, "What do you do?"

Lucius' eyes widened slightly as he coughed into his fist. "I'm the ruler of an empire," He winced before laughing wildly, "I-I mean, I rule my own…company?"

"So like…a business empire?"

He nodded hastily and Camila, well, she didn't know what to think. On the one hand, that sort of tracked with how utterly wealthy he seemed to be, as well as his previous comments about having subordinates, employees, powerful friends, and just from how fancy his vested suit was…

But on the other…he was clearly hiding something. The problem was, she couldn't figure out what.

Maybe he's another emperor of the demon realm?Camila wondered before dismissing it entirely. If some emperor, evil or otherwise, had arisen in the Boiling Isles, Luz would've either mentioned it by now or gone on a quest to defeat him. Plus, if he was, why would he be here in the first place dating her? No, he was probably just very weird about his job and incredibly awkward.

And there they both sat for a minute, awkwardness and anxiety running through them both as they tried to find something to talk about.

**********

"Vee! Vee, they're floundering!" Luz said, staring at the date like a hawk as she motioned to her adopted sister.

"On it."

**********

"Ah, madame and monsieur! Welcome to ze Robinson Cafe!"

It took all of Camila's willpower not to break down laughing and/or slide deeper into her seat with despair.

That was Vee. That was her daughter shapeshifted into a stereotypical French waiter. She even had a waxy mustache that shone in the light. Camila covered her face with her hands, groaning in embarrassment as Vee offered her a wink before turning to Lucius, "May I offer ze monsieur a nice drink to-"

"Oi!" The manager came out by chance, staring at Camila's transformed daughter in anger, "You don't work here. Screw off!"

Vee opened her mouth before the front door was flung open and Masha marched in. They grabbed their girlfriend by the back of the suit, dragging her out with a hurried, "Sorry about that, Mrs. Noceda!"

Camila laid her head on the table and groaned.

"I take it you knew that man?"

She looked up and found Lucius staring at her with a gentle smile. She returned it awkwardly, her mind racing on how to explainanyof that.

"That…my daughters-"Quick Cam, think of something!"-and their friends may be spying on us."

"Huh, that explains the two women staring at us from behind," Lucius chuckled, "I'm glad your children love you that much."

She sat up straight, "Your daughter planning on doing anything?"

He laughed, "My daughter's running a hotel she's built from the ground up. She's a bit too busy to spy on a date."

"And my daughter and her sister are college-aged," she blinked. There was a conversational opening, "Your daughter runs a hotel?"

He smiled wide, his teeth glinting in the light as he became animated, "It's a mix of a hotel and a redemption service. I have my…reservationsabout it, but she's so passionate that I can't help but want to support it."

"Redemption service?" She asked, genuinely curious.

"Oh, it's this thing where she takes…well, she takes in people to try and make them better," Lucius waved his hand through the air, "Drug dealers, villains, criminals of all sorts. If they've fallen into the dirt, she plans to help pick them back up again."

Camila smiled, "That sounds wonderful! Does she have any on hand counselors? What's her plan of action when it comes to rehabilitation or even health services?"

Lucius, his smile wide now that he was talking about his daughter, couldn't help but gush about her, "Her hotel only has one…patientright now, but considering it only opened a few days ago, I'm a little impressed. I don't know the specifics of what she does, but I'm already planning on talking to one of her uncles about free repair work."

"I'm happy you're helping your daughter out with this," Camila smiled and grabbed his hand, "Civil work like that, it's stressful, grueling, and utterly thankless. But if she truly wants to help people, well, I wish her all the best."

Lucius smiled at her and unlike all the other ones, this one was charming and confident and made her chest flutter, "What about you? What are your daughters up to when they aren't spying on dates?"

Camila laughed. "Oh, well, Luz is off doing college in-" Wait, sh*t. She couldn't explain the Boiling Isles or else he'd freak out. Instead, she stammered, "...uh, C-California?"

"That's cool," He thankfully didn't ask where, "What does she study?"

Camila smiled again, "Oh, just about everything! Plants, archaeology, history…"

**********

The Morningstar Family limo drove off as soon as Lucifer waved it away.

Razzle, the driver, had to use sticks to reach the pedals, but it was worth it. He did a whole course on driving when Lucifer created him so he could drive Charlie around. Rather than head on home, however, he drove past a few buildings and found a nice alleyway to park in.

Razzle got out of the limo and flew over to the trunk. He made sure to look every which way before he carefully opened it. As soon as he did, a dark figure leapt out and did a combat roll on the ground.

The figure could only be described as a chibi version of a special ops soldier: A dark ghillie suit made of green and brown fibers, looking like a walking bush with night vision goggles. A whole satchel of cameras, notebooks, pencils, and pens hung off the figure's side.

Razzle looked so proud. "Baa!" He said happily, giving a quick salute.

"Baa!" Dazzle, the ghillied up butler of the Morningstar Family, replied seriously as he saluted.

Dazzle was on his best behavior right now. He'd been given a task of utmost importance by Big Sister Charlie, and he would not fail her.

"Alright Dazzle," Charlie Morningstar said, grabbing the little butler by his squeaky shoulders and staring into his blank, reptilian eyes. She cornered him by the limo parked outside her new hotel, "I have a mission for you, should you choose to accept it."

Dazzle nodded happily, not wanting to let his Big Sister down.

"You're going to be my eyes and ears tonight. Follow my father to the human world and gather as much information as you can about this…

Camila," Charlie looked conflicted and shook her head, "Please don't do anything that'd interfere with their date. Just keep watch and make sure she isn't secretly evil or something."
Dazzle nodded even harder now, sparkles in his eyes. Determination filled him and he thrust out his chest in pride. He saluted and Charlie giggled before ruffling his fluffy head.
"I know you won't let me down, Dazzle. So go out there, learn everything you can, and come back to me," she looked him in his eyes, "All without letting my dad know you're there, got it?"
Dazzle was shaking from how much determination was filling him. He nodded so hard his head felt like it'd fall off.

Dazzle shook his head, checking around both corners as he made his way out of the alleyway. "Baa." he called out to Razzle, letting him know it was safe.

"Baa!" Razzle said, causing Dazzle to look back. Razzle was worried about his brother, and it showed in his tone, "Baa?"

"Baa," Dazzle nodded, "Baa."

"Baa!" Razzle got into the car before the portal to Hell opened, glowing sigils colored crimson red circling about it. As the very wind of Pride swept the alleyway, the limo drove through the gate, which then closed without a single trace. With that done, Dazzle slipped the night vision goggles over his eyes, curling up enough that the ghillie suit looked like a bush.

It was slow, getting to the café, since Dazzle could only move when nobody was looking. Every time a human entered his vision, he'd freeze up and go into bush mode, staying as still as a statue until they passed. Dazzle was especially happy when a particularly slow-moving cat had gotten out of the way. Finally,thankfully, he made it to the café.

It was basic enough, sliding between empty tables until he was against the wall. Dazzle flew up from the ground to the window, gazing inside to see King Lucifer and his date.

Currently, Lucifer's date was in the middle of what looked to be a fun story, talking animatedly as she gestured through the air. As she spoke, her eyes were sparkling and full of mirth.

She looked pretty enough, Dazzle supposed. Big Sister Charlie hadn't told him how to feel about the woman, but she didn't seem to pose an active physical, mental, or political threat to Big Sister. As such, he wouldn't have any opinions on her at all. He took note about how the king stared at either her eyes or her lips as she spoke. That seemed like the kind of thing Charlie wanted him to watch out for.

Dazzle nodded, getting out his notebook and pen as he scribbled furiously.

**********

"...and then I started laughing. I didn't know she was going to use the sausage links like that!" Camila shook with laughter as she recounted, "While everyone was screaming, I was just laughing at Luz giving her death speech."

Lucius stared at her; his chin cupped by his hands as he gave her his full attention. A smile was on his face as he listened to her tell the tale of the first (and last) play Luz had ever been allowed to participate in.

"She really does sound like a wonderful girl," He said, staring at her admiringly, "Most people would've freaked out with everyone else."

Camila felt herself frown, "I'm not most people."

"I know," Lucius' smile widened, "You're amazing."

Camila blushed, never once tiring of hearing him compliment her. He'd been doing it all night, these little comments that made her heart flutter. He'd say how her hair looked amazing, or that her dress was nice, or that he liked her earrings, or just…just little things like that.

It truly made her feel desired again.

God, if you're listening,she prayed,Please let this work out.

"You know, I envy you."

She blinked at the odd statement, finding Lucius staring off into space.

"Being a vet…it sounds like a dream," his voice became melancholic, "Working with cute animals all day, helping them get healthy, meeting new, good people who love their pets!" He sighed dreamily, "All I get is jerks and assholes all day, every day."

"Have you considered leaving?"

He blinked and smiled ruefully, "Mine isn't a job you can just'leave'unfortunately. Otherwise, I'd have jumped ship alongtime ago."

Camila reached over to grab ahold of his hand, "I can't imagine working a job you hate forever."

He gripped hers for a moment before releasing it, waving away her statement, "It's all relative I suppose." He then slid back into listening to her every word, "Now tell me more about your job?"

She smiled, "Only if you tell me more about your friends."

"Deal."

**********

"Maybe they need-" Vee began, getting up to head in before she was cut off by Masha.

"No."

"You don't know wha-"

"No!" Masha's tone made it clear they wouldn't budge. Vee pouted, her significant other slinging their arm over her shoulder, "Look, I get you want the date to be perfect, but Mrs. Noceda told me to keep you both from going overboard. So, that's what I'm gonna do."

Luz barely paid attention as she just stared at her mom. She looked so happy, listening to Mr. Magne's stories with rapt attention as he gestured wildly and energetically, his eyes never once leaving her mom's. She didn't even notice Stringbean slipping off her head in a random direction towards the side of the building.

She was willing to bet that Mom completely forgot about the three of them by now. She was just…happy. Mr. Magne seemed to be a swell guy. Plus, after Vee accidentally broke the ice for them, they never once stopped talking. Not when their drinks came, not when people entered or left, and not when people were being too loud.

They were in their own little world.

Luz turned to Masha and Vee, a look of guilt on her face, "Maybe we should just go?" The two blinked at her. "Look at them," she gestured to Mom and Mr. Magne, "I'm pretty sure he's in the clear. Maybe we should let them be?"

Masha sighed in relief while Vee looked conflicted, "B-But what about the spicy magic? Or the limo? Or his-his everything? He's absolutely suspicio-"

"Vee," Masha turned to face their girlfriend, "Even if he's a vampire, he seems on the up and up. Let's give them some privacy."

Vee looked torn before she sighed and nodded. "Yeah…yeah, mom's gonna be fi-." she froze, stared at something behind Luz, and slammed her head into the table with a groan of despair, "Oh no, not him!"

Masha sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose, "Well, there goes that plan."

Luz turned around to see what they were looking at. Her eyes caught sight of an all too familiar brown tweed jacket and glasses.

She facepalmed. This was going to be a problem.

**********

"...and he actually told me, to my face, mind you,'If you ever try to help me again, I'll kill you,'" Lucifer barely got his words out, struggling not to laugh through his own story.

Camila snorted and fought down giggles as her shoulders shook. "He didn't!"

"He totally did! I told M'You know you're speaking to your boss, right?', and he just shrugs and tells me he didn't vote for me."

Camila finally broke down laughing. Lucifer couldn't keep the dopey smile off of his face at the sound of her beautiful laugh. Ever since he started telling slightly edited stories about the Six Sins, he'd gotten many laughs out of her. Sure, he stayed away from any surrounding Asmodeus since they all tended to be a bittoo lewdin nature, but he could safely complain about Mammon all he liked. Well, him and Bee, with plenty of tales about her wild ragers that spread from her mansion to the farthest corners of Gluttony.

Camila had been fascinated by them, listening with rapt attention as he spoke of Mammon, or 'M', and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes, or Belph and her hospital work (he made a mental note to get Belphegor in touch with Charlie so they could talk shop about rehabilitation), or even Satan and his religious services.

Being the god of impkind had its perks.

"Your friends sound like quite the lively bunch," Camila chuckled, making Lucifer smile.

"They are, even though 'M' can be…well, he loves Charlie, and that's enough for me."

Especially when Mammon got insufferable about his relentless greed. The man liked Charlie though, surprisingly enough, so Lucifer wouldn't begrudge him his eccentricities. Even though he wanted to.

Camila, his lovely date for the evening, just smiled at him again and his chest fluttered again. Before he could respond, the door opened. For the first time this evening, a sour look passed across Camila's face, "Urgh,him."

Lucifer blinked and looked to where she was and saw a tweedy looking man in a brown coat with the stupidest goatee he'd ever seen on a chin. The man made his way over to a table and sat down right behind-

He blinked, and then did a double take.

There, at the table right behind the tweedy man's, were a pair of demons trying, and failing, to pretend like they weren't there. A gothic punk woman with undercut silver hair who was dressed in a gray crop top and black shorts was sitting across from a brown-haired, tan skinned man wearing a black coat and slacks.

He could feel the infernal energy wafting off of them, those were demons. There were actual demons from hell crashing his date and just... just sitting around like nothing was the matter.

The woman had a literal pentagram made of straps above her shirt. She wasn't even trying to blend in!

The two demons stiffened and looked panicked, hiding themselves behind a pair of menus as they tried to block out his sight. It didn't work, making them look even more suspicious.

"Urgh, don't even look at thatpendejo cabron," Camila hissed, making certain she couldn't even see the tweedy looking man, "That's the local nutjob."

Lucifer blinked as he turned to his date. He hadn't known her long, but he was certain she, much like Charlie, wasn't that capable of vitriolic hatred. "Nutjob?" He asked, sensing a story there.

Camila winced, "Maybe not 'nutjob', but he's an asshole. That's Jakob Hopkins." She glared down at her drink, "He's a conspiracy theorist who's been harassing my family for years now and making a nuisance of himself throughout town. I'm fairly certain he doesn't have a good bone in his body."

"Sounds like Adam," Lucifer casually mentioned, sipping his tea. He made a special note to have his servants investigate the man. If he continued to be a nuisance to Camila and her family…well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

"Who's Adam?"

He smiled. He didn't care where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with. He'd always make time for bitching about the First Man, "Adam is…well, he's the worst. Just the absolute worst." Camila raised an eyebrow. "I'm serious," He held his hands up in defense, "He's a misogynistic, egotistical, self-obsessed hedonist who thinks everyone everywhere should worship him for the simple act of existing."

"Yikes," Camila winced, "How do you know him?"

"...rival company," Lucifer answered carefully, "He's their main representative to our company and he constantly acts like his very presence in our area is worthy of praise." He shook his head, "I'd bar him from entry, but Heav-his company technically owns ours, so he's free to do as he pleases."

"Double yikes," Camila stirred her drink with her straw, "I wouldn't want to meet him."

"No, you wouldn't," Lucifer snorted in derision, "He'd probably try hitting on you while making a number of sexist comments and then throw a hissy fit if you said no."

"Oh, he's one ofthosetypes."

"Yep," Lucifer nodded, smiling. She got it, she truly did. Everyone hated Adam, "His first wife left him because he was a pig, and his second-"

A scream echoed from a thousand mouths.

New eyes formed as hundreds of faces stared out bleeding, pleading.

Bones broke and skin tore as new flesh was born.

"You did this to me."

Lucifer put down his drink, appetite and thirst gone as the familiar wave of guilt rushed through him. He hadn't known, he…he couldn't have known…

"Forget I brought up his second wife at all, please," He muttered, not willing to meet her eyes. Just in case she saw what he'd done reflected within. Camila looked up and took notice of his turning mood.

"Lucius?" She reached out to grab ahold of his hand, squeezing it tightly, "What's wrong?"

He opened his mouth to try and say something, anything at all, that would distract from what he had done. But then the door opened and a woman with curly brown hair entered the building. She wore a green jacket and striped shirt combo alongside a pair of black skinny jeans, eyeliner rimmed eyes narrowed in anger.

Camila went very still, her grip turning to iron, and she carefully let go of his hand.

Jacob Hopkins took notice of the woman, swallowed nervously, and fled into the bathroom. The woman made to follow, only to freeze as Camila stood up, a look of annoyance in her eyes.

"If you'll give me a minute while I smooth things out with my daughter," she said as she marched forward, grabbed the girl (he supposed it was Luz) by the arm and took her outside.

Lucifer blinked. That was probably gonna take a minute. Thankfully, it gave him plenty of time to deal with the current pest problem.

He got up carefully, smoothing out his vest and making his way over to a specific table, where the two demons sat hidden away in human disguise. They both had been anxiously avoiding his gaze since he noticed them.

Time to find out what's going on,Lucifer thought as the white-haired goth girl sank low in her chair, trying not to be noticed and/or hide under the table. Meanwhile, the gentleman scrambled out of his own chair, making a beeline for the bathroom. The king followed at a leisurely pace, opening the door to find the demon desperately trying to get into one of the stalls, his expression beyond terrified. "You know," Lucifer drawled out, "It's rude to spy on other people's dates."

"sh*t," The demon cursed before slowly turning to him, "Wha-me? Noooo, I would never…" he gulped and looked everywhere but at his eyes, "I mean, who would want to spy on your date, your majesty?" He froze, "f*ck. I mean-majesty? There's a king here? Who would have-"

Lucifer glared, taking a step forward as the demon scrambled backwards. He kept this up until the demon's back was against the wall. Realizing that he wasn't looming enough, he let one set of wings break free to hover above him. The demon was so terrified he broke his disguise, letting his true imp body reveal itself.

"You have ten seconds to explain why you're interrupting my date," Lucifer growled, the lights around him flickering as the shadows deepened.

**********

Dazzle was doing a great job!

He recorded every last interaction, wrote every last response the king's date had said, and never once lost track of them...until now that is.

The king chased after a demon while the woman went off to talk to the mystery people. The same ones he'd noticed were spying on the king's date like a bunch of freaks. He logged it in his notebook while keeping watch from the shadows.

He was a good boy.

Right now, however, with the woman gone, he'd fulfill Big Sister Charlie's task and root through her left behind purse for any information on who she was.

"Meep."

Dazzle blinked and looked to the side. The ghillie suited goat demon stared in confusion at the flying snake. Thepurpleflying snake with a rattle in her tail.

"Meep!" The snake said happily while staring at the butler goat.

"Baa," Dazzle replied before the snake shifted into a perfect, if purple, copy of himself.

"Meep," The copy said happily as she did a little dance. While fascinating, Dazzle didn't have time for this; he had a purse to rifle through and information to get. He moved to go past the copy when she blocked his path.

"Meep," She warned. Dazzle moved to the other side; the copy followed.

Dazzle's eyes narrowed.

Notes:

Me? Putting random PLOT segments into a date chapter?
It's more likely than you think.
Next Chapter: Interlude= Blitz and Loony versus Connecticut

Chapter 9: Interlude: Blitzy and Loony

Summary:

How exactly did an imp and a hellhound end up at the Robinson Cafe anyway?

Notes:

Sorry about the wait for this one folks, I've been smoothing things out with my editor.
BTW, I am happy to announce that A Divine (Romantic) Comedy now has an editor. Yep, all previous chapters were only done by me whenever I had time so I'm excited for the quality of chapters to increase.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Gravesfield was a beautiful little southeastern town with not even five thousand souls in its registry. It had a proud history stretching back to the first settlers of America, doing well to withstand the test of time. Though small compared to others of its kind, it flourished as a picturesque haven, with many residents either living throughout the heavily wooded areas or along the bank of the Connecticut River.

A stunning slice of New England americana.

The Gravesfield Historical Society was an old building of a colonial fashion, with red bricks, iron lining, and a white bell tower atop. It was revered as a place for learning the rich and fascinating history of the town, from the tale of the Brothers Wittebane, to the time Mark Twain traveled and wrote a small story within its borders.

It was currently under new management; the previous curator having been... less than ideal. Said former curator would be seething in jealous impotence had he known what was currently happening behind the beloved institution. That being, a fire-rimmed portal opened up behind it, hot and acrid wind blowing out as small animals fled in terror, with an imp and his adopted hellhound daughter walking through.

Blitz, the imp in question, was currently rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck to prepare for another tough job. The clown-turned-assassin for hire faced his daughter and grinned, "Ready to paint the town red, Loony?"

Loona, ever-suffering secretary/bodyguard/adopted daughter (insert where applicable) just sighed in annoyance, "Blitz, could you try topleasebe professional about this?"

Blitz sidled up to her and gave the closest thing he could get to puppy-dog eyes, "Call me dad!"

"No."

Blitz was unfettered. He'd get a 'dad'out of her before the night was done, he just knew it.

"Alright loony, off we go-urgh!" He choked as Loona yanked on the back of his collar.

"Human disguise, Blitz. Remember?" She hissed, her own transformation taking over, turning the young goth hellhound into a young goth woman with pale skin and whitish-gray hair instead of fur and a mane. Blitz rubbed his throat and got out his fake ears…only to watch as Loona swiped them out of his hands.

"I thought you wanted me in human disguise?" he asked.

"Yeah, anactualdisguise! Not that half-assed rush job we did in LA."

"I'll have you know my half-assed rush job was good enough to fool half the city and an entire TV crew," Blitz crossed his arms defiantly, glaring at his daughter, "Nobody knew I wasn't human even after I lost my ears."

"Okay, but this isn't the idiot capital of America. This is a small town where everyone knows everyone else. You even look a bit freakish and the entire place'll know in an hour," Loona glared, "Magic.Now."

Blitz sighed and fished out the grimoire, "Y'know, M and M didn't even have disguises that day and they got around fine."

"Theywhat!?"

Blitz winced as he fished through the magic tome of the Noble House of Stolas, trying not to think about how Loona would chew them out for that. He'd been reading it on and off in his spare time

~~to keep his mind off of Stolas~~

to keep busy while cases were down. It usually happened around Extermination time, when Sinners were more interested in finding refuge from Heaven's army of murder-hobos than getting even with those in life.

His throat burned as he rattled off the words, sigils glowing in the air as magical constellations from far off locales glowed, shined, and died around him…and then he was human.

Blitz remembered looking in a mirror the first time he'd tried this spell. That'd been a mistake since all he could think of for the rest of the day was his resemblance to Barb. Their human forms shared the same tan skin, red eyes, and chocolate colored hair with lighter streaks running through it. The only thing that kept him from looking like a male copy of his twin was the ever-present burn on the right side of his face, looking like a gnarly scar if he did say so himself.

"How do I look?" He spread his arms wide and looked at his adopted daughter.

"Not bad," Loona said approvingly, "At least now less people are likely to stare."

Blitz grinned and began to swagger off, striding around the building as he made his way to the deserted street across from the weird building they had appeared behind. "Alright Loony-"

"Don't call me that," she groaned.

"Loony," He smirked, "The target is some crooked beat-cop who gunned down the client for…" Blitz frowned, reached into his coat pocket, and withdrew a wadded-up paper before smoothing it out. "...Huh, it doesn't say," he crumpled it up even further and tossed it over his shoulder. Loona scrambled after it as he continued his swaggering march, "Either way, doesn't matter. We off the guy, cover up the scene, then go get ice cream. Sounds good?"

"Yeah, it…" She blinked, faced him, and co*cked her head to the side. "Why ice cream?"

Because, Blitz carefully didn't say,With Moxxie and Millie off for the next who knows when, my…thingwith Stolas non-existent, and everything with Barb wrecked to sh*t, I needsomeoneto keep me from goinginsane.Instead, what came out was, "Because it's Father-Daughter Bonding Time Night!" He slung an arm around her shoulder to pull her in close but ended up hanging off said shoulder with his feet in the air, "We missed movie night because you were out with your little friends-"

"Blitz…" Loona growled.

"-so I made the executive decision that we'll spend tonight eating ice cream and convincing you to call me dad!"

"Or," Loona said carefully. "We don't do that, and you go hang out with Moxxie and Millie so you can bother them for the evening."

In response, he grumbled, "They're in Wrath."Probably off making one of Mil's sh*tty brothers the Hellfather.

"Fizz?"

"In Lust being a hypocritical jackass with his giant of a boyfriend."

A sad look entered her eyes, "You could try talking to Sto-"

"C'mon Loony! Don't you wanna spend time with your old man?" He absolutely wasnotgoing to talk to Stolas. He wouldn't even think about the giant, fluffy,

~~beautiful~~

annoying Goetia. Tonight, he was going to be happy and spend time with the one relationship he had left that hecouldn't possiblyf*ck up.

Loona looked at him with…she looked sad, and at first he wanted to look away, but she beat him to the punch on that. "Fine," she sighed reluctantly, "We can get ice cream after."

Blitz grinned and dropped to the ground, marching off in front of her once more, "That's the spirit! Let's go get this sh*tstain and bond as a family!"

"So what's the plan?"

He grinned evilly. Without Moxxie in his ear yapping about boring stuff, he'd been able to come up with a genuine, 100% Blitz plan that'd probably make Mox regret trying to reign in his genius.

Notes:

I feel like I've focused in the Hazbinverse side a lot lately, so after the Second Date arc is over next chapter (that's what I'm calling it, an arc) well take a trip to the Boiling Isles for a few chapters before we get to date number three.
Next Chapter: The Finale of the Second Date... it's going to be a long one folks

Chapter 10: Second Date: Finale

Summary:

Lucifer reacts to IMP, Cam reacts to Luz, and a date is thoroughly crashed

Notes:

I am terribly sorry about the long wait for this chapter: Real life got in the way in a big way which led to me having a teensy weensy cry session on my couch due to unrelated reasons. Life is stressful right now, and since I usually respond to stress by writing out my feelings you can expect further chapters to come at least every other day barring extreme circ*mstances.
I made sure to not cut this chapter apart into two even though its now twenty pages long, which is eight pages longer than usual. So please enjoy as we wrap up the Second Date.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Okay, in our defense, itwasJacob Hopkins! Of course we were going to intervene for that!"

"Mija-"

"He's probably there to dissect your date and see if he's a Martian snake man, or a moon zombie, or…or whatever he was ranting about last week!"

"Mija."

"And I wasn't gonna hurt him. Just maybe warn him not to mess with you…again. He's-"

"Luz!"

Camila loved her daughters, she really did. When they all returned triumphant from the demon realm, she'd made sure to tell Luz that she was loved every day. Reminding her that she'd always have her mom for support was part of the healing process, and ensured they'd never return to how it was before. So, while flattered that her daughters were so invested in her love life, that didn't mean she wasn't annoyed by the interference.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Camila sighed. The night had been going very well, with Lucius being charming, humorous, fun to talk to, and having an almost manic energy of trying to live life to the fullest. Now here she was, away from her date to explain to her daughter why trying to force out someone (albeit one who deserved it) from a restaurant would most likely end in them all being banned.

"I love you, Mija. But just going after Mr. Hopkins when all he's done is sit down is just going to circle back on you," Camila said, her daughter looking ready to argue before she slumped.

"I know, I just don't want him to be an asshole to you.Again." Luz gained a thunderous look, "And I still haven't forgiven him for the crap he pulled on Vee back then," She pulled the basilisk, who smiled brightly, close to her and clenched a tight fist in the air, "Noceda sisters stick together!"

"Sorry, hold on," Masha's voice was concerned, looking at their girlfriend, "What, exactly, did he try to do to Vee?"

Vee chuckled nervously while Luz frowned, "He locked her in a cage and tried to dissect her live on YouTube."

Masha blinked before a calm expression came across their face, "I'm gonna beat the crap out of him."

"Masha, no!" Vee wriggled out of Luz's grasp to stop them.

"Masha, yes!" Masha marched towards the doors with clenched fists. Camila watched the whole thing, sorely tempted to just stand aside and let her daughter's wonderful partner exact vengeance. Frankly, the more she remembered that horrible day, the more tempted she was. But she still had to be a responsible parent, so she stepped in the way.

"Please," she said, "At least wait until tomorrow to do anything rash."

Masha nodded and stepped back, though their fists were still clenched until Vee brought them into a hug, "I'm okay, Masha. He didn't really hurt me, mom beat him up with la chancla before he could."

While the two hugged it out, Camila turned away from her adopted daughter towards her biological one. Luz was staring into the restaurant with an odd look on her face. "Mija?" She called out to her and, as Luz turned, she brought her into a hug of her own, "I love you so much, Luz. I never want you to ever forget that."

She hugged her not-so-little-anymore girl tightly. Luz brought her arms up to hug her back, "I love you too, mama."

"But Luz…" Camila pulled back, looking her daughter in the eye, "I need to fight my own battles, even if that means dealing with Hopkins on my own," she smiled warmly, "It means so much to me that you want to defend your mother, but I need you to trust me alright?"

Luz opened and closed her mouth a few times before relenting. She offered a small smile, "Yeah, I can do that."

She placed a small kiss on Luz's forehead, having to angle herself up slightly to do so, "I love you, Luz. Always have, always will."

"Ditto, mom."

"So!" She called out to the three of them, "No assaulting Mr. Hopkins until I'm safely home and can offer an alibi."

"Yes mom," Luz and Vee playfully saluted.

"Yes, Ms. Noceda," said Masha with a nod.

"Good," Camila turned back to the restaurant, "Let's hope Lucius is having as good a time as I am."

**********

Lucifer was not having a good time.

Oh, he was having awonderfultime before this, with Camila being just as charming and wonderful as she was during their first meeting. He was enjoying himself and wanted very much to go back and spend the rest of the night just listening to her tell stories about her veterinarian work. But here he was instead, in a bathroom, staring down a nosy imp trying to explain why he and his friend were spying on his date.

The imp, his burned face scrunched up in fear, held up his hands and began to beg, "Okay, look your majesty. We, um, that is to say my daughter and I…we're here by accident. Really! We are! We were here on a job and we just happened to show up here to have family time!"

"You really expect me to believe?" Lucifer chose his words carefully as the imp cringed, "That you and your daughter just so happened to find the one café in all the human realm that I was in with my date…by complete accident?" The imp gulped, tugged at his collar, and nodded hastily, prompting the king to snarl, "Bullsh*t."

"No, no no no!" The imp rubbed his hands together and strung words, "See, it really was all an accident. We just…well, she was off with her friends during family movie night, so we decided to have family time after the job," a full body flinch worked its way through the imp, "N-Not that we had a job in the human world, mind you-"

Lucifer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a hand up to cut the imp off, "You already told me you're here on a job, so I know you're paparazzi."

"Hey!" The imp actually looked angry at him, indignance overcoming fear for a second, "We arenotthose media jackals! We're I.M.P. and we're-" His face lost all color and he immediately clamped a hand over his mouth.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow, "If you're not a paparazzi then…who are you?" The imp's eyes widened as he shook even further, trying to blend into the wall. Lucifer noticed something holstered to the imp's side: the very tip of some metallic object. Frown deepening, he asked, "What's that you have by your side?"

The imp furiously tugged the edges of his coat closed and tried to give off a disarming smile, "Nothing, your majesty!"

Lucifer glared as the imp sweated nervously.

"What is your name, imp?"

"B- Blitzø, sir. The ø is silent."

"Blitz, then," Lucifer leaned forward and grabbed hold of the coat's edge before tugging it open, "If you're not paparazzi, then I can only think your something crazier like an assass-" He stared, Blitz shook, and the handle of the heavy pistol stayed strapped to his side, "Blitz?"

Blitz was too terrified to respond.

"Why do you have a weapon from Hell in the human world?"

The imp was silent.

"What do you do, Blitz?" the king asked, annoyance replaced with anger as the imp gulped.

"Your majesty-my daughter doesn't know," He was rambling now, voice so far beyond terror it seemed calm, "It's just me doing this, no one else. My daughter was brought here for family time and she doesn't know what else I came up here to do-"

"What. Do. You. Do. Blitz?"

"I…kill the living for Sinners?"

Silence followed Blitz' statement, the King of Hell just blinking as his mind tried to understand the words he'd just heard. Then-

Every light in the restaurant flickered, the overheads in the men's bathroom shattered into sparks. The shadows roiled and twisted as Lucifer's human disguise broke apart like glass. All six of his wings spread out behind him as his horns broke through to their full height; they held a snake eating an apple between them in exchange for his long-forgotten halo. His eyes were blood red as he grabbed Blitz by the coat edges and shook him like a ragdoll.

"YOU DO WHAT!?" Lucifer screeched, an echoing reverb to his voice. His expression was thunderous as he brought his face in close to the imp and hissed with uncontained rage, "Youmiserablepile of sh*t! What do you mean you kill the living!?" Blitz winced, Lucifer's rage so far beyond boiling it was an almost physical presence itself, "Do you haveanyidea how many laws of Hell that breaks? Do you even care what Heaven will do if they find out!? Tell me you weren't so stupid as to thumb your nose at the angels!?"

Blitz laughed hysterically, remembering the incident with the cherubs and not saying anything.

"You assassinate humans for those…thosewretches!?I should…I should…" He dropped Blitz, the imp scrambling away in terror while the king clutched his chest, gasping for air, "I think I'm having a heart attack.Oh Father, I'm having a heart attack!"

"Oh sh*t-please don't die on me!" Blitz tried to grab hold of the heaving King of Hell, who not only batted his hands away, but began to prop himself up with the sink counter. Lucifer's eyes were wide (and not the least bit hysterical) as he laughed maniacally.

"I'm fine. Don't…don't touch me…" He rasped, clutching at his chest and shaking as he slowly made his way forward, "You…I'm going to-"

The stall door slowly opened, with Lucifer and Blitz turning to see Jacob Hopkins staring at them in open-mouthed shock, perched on the toilet like a gremlin.

"Holy sh*t…"He muttered, wide-eyed at the two. Lucifer, still gasping for air, actually started to giggle.

"Of course…" The king said, mania in his voice, "Why not?"

"Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t-"Jacob whispered over and over again.

"Is he…okay?" Blitz asked, beginning to edge his way out of the corner he'd forced himself into. He kept an eye on Jacob while keeping the king in the corner of his sight.

"Probably not. He just got actual proof that the crazy things he believes are true," Lucifer's breathing calmed a bit as he focused on the conspiracy nut, "I mean, haven't any of the humans youillegallykilled acted like this?"

"Not really. Most were either drunk off their ass, dumb enough to not question sh*t, or Satanist cannibals in…one unfortunate case."

"Oh, thank Father for that." Lucifer stood tall and took a deep breath, hands moving with the motion of the air as he let out both the breath he was holding and all the stress, "Okay, I think I'm good."

"-holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy-"

"You're not…mad anymore?" Blitz asked. Lucifer blinked, stared at the imp, and laughed hysterically.

"HAHA!Good one! No, I'm soutterly pissedthat it's actually calming me down."

"Oh."

"Anyway, here's what's going to happen," Lucifer started explaining, "I'm going to go out there and finish my lovely date with a lovely woman. You, meanwhile, are going to go out there and wait with your friend for the end of said date. Once it's over, I'm taking you before the Royal Convocation for threatening Hell itself."

"That's not what's going to happen!" the voice of their almost forgotten company chimed in. Both Blitz and Lucifer blinked in confusion before turning to Jacob, who was looking at them like all his birthdays were happening at once. "What's going to happen-" he began, sparkles in his eyes, fire from Lucifer's crown dancing in his pupils, "-is you're both going to go home with me. I'm going to dissect you live on YouTube, and then I'll be famous and stick it to everyone in this podunk town!"

Lucifer and Blitz blinked again, the former shrugging while the latter remained confused.

"And we'll do that because…?" Lucifer asked.

"Because Icaughtyou!" Jacob hopped off the toilet he had been perched on like a gargoyle, "I saw you both without disguises, so I'm in charge now! I can go out there and tell everyone you're not human if you don't-"

Lucifer's human disguise reformed around him with a shimmer and he snapped his fingers, causing Blitz's own disguise to reform as well.

"I don't know what you mean, my good man," Lucifer said in amusem*nt, "We were just in here talking when the town conspiracy theorist accosted us."

"Wait, you're the town wackjob?" Blitz's voice finally lost the terror it'd been filled with, amusem*nt in its place, "Ha, I was worried for nothing!"

"No, no. You weredefinitelyworried for a good reason," Lucifer said, acid in his voice as Blitz shivered.

A phone flashlight went off, illuminating Jacob's smug face, "I recorded it, act-"

Lucifer lifted a finger and a scorching ray of hellfire shot right through the phone, melting the top half into slag. "Oops," The king's voice was smug, "My hand slipped."

"That's not…That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair, get over it."

The bathroom door opened and the manager looked in, "You boys alright?"

Lucifer stepped into the light of the café, smiling ear to ear, "We're fine, actually, just a little rattled from whatever caused the lights to go out. But other than that-"

Before he could continue, Jacob rushed forward and pointed at the two of them. "They're demons!" He screeched hysterically, "The tan one's an assassin from Hell and the blonde is the king of demons! They're here to kill us and steal our souls!"

The manager looked annoyed before throwing an embarrassed look to the two, "He didn't bother you two much, did he?"

"Wha-didn't you hear a word I said!? They're demons from Hell!"

"Oh, he wasn't too much trouble," Lucifer slung an arm around Blitz's shoulder and pulled him in close, "My friend here was just regaling me with a tale from one of his daughter's fantasy adventure games. Mr. Hopkins took it quite literally, I'm afraid."

"Heh, I know what you mean," The manager had a soft look as he stared off into the distance, "My little girl used to play D&D herself back in high school, but she hasn't done it much since her group moved away for college. She was the most adorable high-level warlock in all Gravesfield back then-"

"This isn't a game, I'm completely serious!" Jacob was screeching as he shook the manager, "They're going to kill us all! Grab a cross or some silver and slice them with it! Their skin will burn on contact!" He started rifling through his pockets, "I should have a silver switchblade somewhere in here-"

"And now you've moved on to threatening customers. Yep, that's about all I'm taking from you," The manager grabbed Jacob's shoulder and led him towards the main entrance, "Thank you so much for dropping by, Mr. Hopkins, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to take your patronage elsewhere."

"Get off of me! I'm trying to save Gravesfield!"

"Just like you try to'save Gravesfield'by harassing the Noceda family?"

"The sister is a shapeshifting Martian infiltrator here to prepare the town for an invasion of body snatchers! I have the evidence!"

As Jacob ranted and raved while being pushed out the door, Lucifer turned to Blitz and snarled, "Remember, you're going to wait out there.Don't try to run."

Blitz gulped and nodded.

**********

Camila didn't resist her vindictively smile as Hopkins was forced out of the café, ranting and raving about demons.

Guess he got someone to ask about his theories,she thought while sipping her mocha. She tried to turn the other cheek, she really did. She even tried teaching her daughters to do so as well. But you could only forgive so much, and unfortunately for Jacob, he was too much to forgive.

She did, however, wonder about the words he was using: Demons from Hell. Not Mars, or Atlantis, or somewhere else, butHell. She also wondered where, exactly, her date had gone-

"Camila! So sorry to leave you, just had to use the…restroom and got caught up with all of…that," As if summoned by her very thoughts, Lucius appeared again and took his seat.

She took notice as the tan fellow with the burnt eye awkwardly went back to his table and started talking to the goth woman across from him. They looked, well, resigned as if something terrible was going to happen. She was more interested in what Lucius said though, and asked, "Caught up? You were there for Hopkins' meltdown?"

A brief look of panic entered his eyes before he laughed, resting his chin in his hand, "Oh, I set him off, actually."

"...Why?"

Lucius regained a bit of confidence, "Well, I was talking with someone about his fantasy adventure game. He's playing an assassin from Hell who kills the living on behalf of the damned. I jokingly asked if whoever was running Hell would be opposed to that." He let out a rich, boisterous guffaw with arms spread wide, "I mean, if I were the King of Hell-" as his voice carried over the lull of the café, the two people behind him stiffened in their seats. "-I'd be sooo mad about assassins interfering with mortal lives!"

The goth woman let out a small, almost dog-like whine for reasons Camila could not understand as Lucius continued, "Hopkins overheard us and took it literally, so he went crazy and started talking about silver knives and such." He smiled at her before growing confused, "Also, he started ranting about some slug monster from Mars-"

"Hahaha!" Camila let out a panicked laugh, cutting him off, "That's so weird and random! Where does he get those crazy ideas of his?"

Lucius blinked at her and then shrugged, "I don't know him well enough to guess, I suppose. It does sound pretty far-fetched."

"Sooo, you play D&D?" Camila, internally relieved, rubbed the back of her head and smiled sheepishly.

Lucius gave an awkward chuckle, "Not me, personally. I just have a lot of creative energy so I offered some advice."

"I can tell," Camila chuckled back, "Your rubber ducks are cute."

He beamed and reached out to grab her hands, holding them softly, "Thank you. It was something I took up after the divorce, but I've always liked making things." Lucius gained a wistful look in his eyes as he spoke, "My…my old job was as an inventor. I had so many ideas for what to make, even having my own team of archivists to help me work out the kinks in things. I wanted to try my hand at something truly wonderful but…" he sighed, "But I couldn't get my ideas across properly, so it never happened."

He smiled shyly, "So now I make ducks."

"I told you I used to be into cosplay, right?" Camila began, inspired. Upon his nod, she continued, "I actually wrote fan-scripts for Cosmic Frontier," she chuckled at the memories of writing embarrassing self-insert fiction. It was silly, and she did sometimes cringe about some of the more mary-sue esque ones, but by God did she have so much fun writing them, "I'd even give them their own covers and make them into real books."

"I think that's wonderful. I…I think you're wonderful, really," Lucius smiled, making her chest flutter. She tucked her hair behind her ear and, with the lights shining down, felt like she was in her own little world. She and Lucius began to lean in, lips puckering-

The main window of the café was shattered as a body crashed into a table. Jacob Hopkins, a wild look in his eyes, got up shakily from its remains and glared at the happy couple. A large crucifix was in his left hand while his other hand held a knife.

"He's the king of demons!" He shouted, pointing his knife straight at Lucius, "He and his personal assassin are here to steal our souls and I'll prove it-" he paused, took note of their interlocked hands, and laughed hysterically, "Of course! Ofcourseyour family's involved! You're probably a warlock priestess sent to covet the Antichrist!" She was about to tell him to screw off when he charged her like a bull, knife glinting as he reared back his arm to stab her, shouting, "The shapeshifter's in on it, I always knew it!"

Before Camila could get out her pepper spray or even do anything, a black and gray blur impacted Jacob and sent him tumbling to the ground.

"Arm-bars everywhere!" The young, white haired goth woman shouted, twisting Hopkins' arm enough to make him drop the knife and cry out in agony.

"That's the way to do it, Loony!" A tan skinned man placed himself between her and Hopkins, "Snap his arm!"

"I'm not doing that, Blitz!"

"Then slam his head into the ground so we don't hear him yelling anymore."

"Camila!" Lucius rushed around the table towards her, his eyes filled with panic and worry, "Are you alright?"

She blinked as Jacob writhed on the ground, pained yet still throwing out threats, "I'll get you! You, the assassin from Hell, the slug beast from Mars, all of you! I'll prove you're all monsters and show everyone that I'm the hero!"

Camila glared and pepper sprayed his eyes.

"I'm fine," She said as Jacob screamed, the manager rushed forward, and her daughters practically shattered the door rushing in to help dogpile the bastard.

Things naturally devolved from there.

**********

The police were called, because of course they were called after that.

Jacob, struggling like an eel, was forced into the back of a cop car. He ranted and raved about Lucius and Camila's saviors, calling them every name under the sun. Multiple eye-witnesses gave statements, looking a bit startled, but otherwise okay, Camila being in the same boat as them. Though that wasn't enough for Luz and Vee, who worriedly hovered over her like mother hens to make sure of that.

"Please, I said I was alright. Really, I am."

"He tried to attack you with a knife!" Luz countered. Camila found she really couldn't find a rebuttal for that.

"I knew I should have gone in there and beat him up," Masha was rubbing their fist and glaring at the cop car, "If I'd just beat the crap out of him then and there-"

"Then the cops would have been called on you instead of him."

"It'd be worth it, Ms. Noceda!"

Camila ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, what a bad ending for a good night. However, her attention was shifted when she heard a figure slowly and awkwardly shuffle their way over. Hearing a cough, she turned and saw Lucius, who was wringing his hands nervously.

"Hey…" He chuckled, awkwardly waving a hand. Luz and Masha stared at him while Vee narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air. Coughing into his fist, he said, "I just-I want to…well, apologize."

"Apologize?" Okay, Camila wasn't sure where this was going.

"I just-" he tugged at his collar, "I can't help but feel like that was all my fault. If I hadn't…hadn't talked out loud where anyone could hear then maybe-"

"No, Lucius, this isn't your fault," her shoulders slumped, "He's just apendejowho thinks he's the town savior."

"Why do you think this is your fault?" Vee asked, suspicion in her voice.

"I…might have loudly talked about demons in front of him without knowing he was there?" He shrugged with a slight smile. Vee hummed, but said nothing. "And anyway," His voice was slightly panicked as he rambled, "I didn't know he'd do that! If I knew he'd attack you I would've-well, I would've chosen my words more carefully and not talked about demons in front of him-"

"Lucius, it's fine," She chuckled as he stopped, "Jacob didn't hurt me. Really, it's fine-"

"He could have though!" Both Luz and Lucius said simultaneously, causing the two to look at each other.

"Well, this isn't quite how I imagined this meeting going but, uh…Luz, this is Mr. Magne, " She gestured between them, "Lucius, this is my daughter, Luz."

"Ah, well," he put on a smile, "Nice to meet you Luz. Wish it were under better circ*mstances."

Lucius thrust out a hand towards Luz, who cracked a smile and shook it, "Yeah, it's nice to meet you too."

"If you're Luz-" He turned to the confused Vee, "Then you must be Vee!"

Vee shook his hand, but her face scrunched up as if trying to work out a puzzle. When the disguised basilisk retracted, she stared at her hand oddly. Lucius, meanwhile, smiled before cringing as he turned to Camila, "Again, I'm really sorry about causing this. I understand if you don't-"

"You can make it up to me on our next date."

"-want to see me anymore. It's fine and-" Lucius blinked, shook his head, and stared at Camila in surprise, "You…you want to go out again?"

"I had a lot of fun tonight, and I really like spending time with you," She explained as his eyes lit up, "Did it end badly? Yes, but nobody got hurt. Well, except for thatpendejo cabron." Camila offered a teasing smile, "So yes, I'd like to go out again."

Lucius giggled like a schoolgirl as he stared at her in wonder. "I-YES! Yes, I would like that very much! I'll…I'll keep in contact and we'll plan something nice," He started backing up, voice full of mirth, "You won't be disappointed, I promise!"

He then, to her absolute amazement, turned around and did a little victory dance before rushing off. She smiled and blushed at the thought of someone being that excited to be with her.

"Mom, you're dating an absolute dork," Luz said happily before she blinked, reached up to her head, and asked, "Has anyone seen Stringbean?"

**********

Along the alleyway behind the Robinson Café, an epic battle of titanic proportions was taking place.

Two great beasts: one a demonic goat-butler born of a stuffed toy brought to life, and the other a great serpent born of a wooden egg. Both were in the guise of the other hissing furiously like cats as they charged.

"Baa!" Dazzle, the butler of the Morningstar Family cried out angrily.

"Meep!" Stringbean, Palisman of the Noceda Family answered furiously.

The two collided in a tangle of limbs and fury, the escaping sounds comparable to throwing two stuffed squeaky toys together. They furiously slapped, bit, and butted heads like stray cats fighting for territory and dominance.

Except somehow it was cute.

Both squeaked like rubber ducks as they brutalized one another…or at least, as they did the closest thing to brutalization as they would. Despite Stringbean's ability to shapeshift and give herself razor sharp claws and teeth, and despite Dazzle's ability to turn into a giant dragon, neither did so. Instead, they stayed in their base forms and simply fought one another in a manner that any passing observer would call "Loony Toon-esque."

Dazzle pulled out Stringbean's leg and bit down and, in response, Stringbean put Dazzle in a headlock, giving him a noogie.

Dazzle picked up Stringbean and threw her against the wall, where she immediately bounced back into him. This knocked him into the other wall, causing the two to bounce around like pinballs until they ended up in a dumpster. Once inside, the Palisman picked up an old cardboard paper towel holder, while the goat-butler picked up an old and broken ladle.

For the next few minutes, an epic sword-fight broke out…which was simply them slapping and hitting one another like children as they growled threats.

"Baa!" The butler-goat hissed, his expression murderous.

"Meep!" Stringbean retorted, causing Dazzle to reel back and clutch his chest painfully.

"B-baa?"

"Meep," Stringbean crooned, victory in her eyes. She brought her cardboard roll up to finish the job-

"Stringbean! Where are you, buddy?"

Stringbean paused, looked at her not-yet-defeated foe, and dropped the cardboard roll. Slowly, she shifted back into her base form and used her tail to point at her eyes and then Dazzle's before floating backwards.

Dazzle, unbroken and undefeated, drew a finger across his throat, backing up as well.

And on that night, an epic rivalry was born.

**********

"Well…that happened," Lucifer Morningstar said to himself. He wasn't one for shock, yet he found himself astounded by how the night had gone. On the one hand, he hada third date!On the other, a crazy guy tried to attack him and Camila with a knife and crucifix. Not to mention he lied about why it happened to her face, so the night was, overall, not the best.

Maybe next date he would just take her on a nice picnic? Candles, a nice tarp, basket of food…yeah, he would take her on a picnic. A public picnic to a public park where no crazies could follow.

He smiled, already planning on what to make for…scratch that: what to have someactual chefsmake. He could cook well, the catch being that he could only cook the food stuff of Hell. He didn't know what effect Hellboar Cutlets or Wailing Tree Greens would have on a normal human body, but he wasn't looking to find out.

That'd just be his luck, wouldn't it? He finds a nice woman, takes her on a picnic, and then accidentally poisons her with Hell-food that turned her inside out or something.

He was going to have to take a human cooking class, wasn't he? He couldn't keep borrowing Razzle and Dazzle from his daughter every time he needed something, so it was either spend some of the gold he had on take-out or learn how to cook.

Why is dating so hard?Lucifer wondered before he caught sight of Blitz and his daughter being interviewed by the cops. He straightened his ascot and made his way over, taking note of the flinches and terror erupting from them. "Ah, if it isn't the dynamic duo!" He cried, hugging them close, "Thank goodness you two were there or else…well, I don't even want to think about what that wack-job would've done."

"Just, uh, doing what anyone else would do," Blitz said awkwardly, scratching at his burn scar and glancing away.

"But it wasn't just anyone else. It wasyou," He squeezed them tighter, "Thank you." He smiled and turned to the cop, "Do you think I could talk to them alone about repayment for this?"

The cop raised an eyebrow and looked Lucifer up and down, taking note of the incredibly fancy clothing he wore. "Of course sir," the cop said, "We're pretty much done with their statement anyway so feel free."

Once the cop left, Blitz and his unnamed daughter stammered excuses, "Look, your majesty, we didn't mean to-"

Lucifer hugged them tight, "Thank you…really, thank you."

The two paused, confusion overriding their panic, "Err, for what?"

"I couldn't have-I wouldn't…he went for her and I couldn't have stopped him in time," He smiled at the two of them, "I mean it, thank you."

Blitz awkwardly chuckled and patted the King of Hell on the back, "Don't, uh…don't mention it?"

Lucifer turned to the goth woman, who stiffened under his gaze, "That was a very impressive arm-bar, miss…?"

"L-Loona, sir," the now named Loona shuffled about, scratching the side of her face, "It was just, uh, something I did without thinking."

"And now I'm even more impressed, yes," Lucifer smiled, with Loona offering a shy smile back. It was a nice moment, one that would have ended nicely as well…

"So, uh, are we free to go?" And then Blitz opened his mouth and ruined it.

Lucifer blinked at the disguised imp and laughed heartily. "Good one!No, you still broke so many different laws I don't even know where to begin." Blitz and Loona tried to shrink into themselves as he listed the crimes off, "Coming to earthillegally, interfering with mortal livesillegally, operating a Goetia Grimoire for unintended purposesillega-"

"I stole it!" Blitz panicked, "I stole the book. Snuck into one of those bird assholes' big ass mansions and-"

"Let's add thievery to the list then," Lucifer smiled, but his mind was working overtime. They were assassins and seemed very good at their jobs, if the only reason he was even talking to them was by cosmic coincidence. A plan formed in his head that'd let him shut them down without bringing harm to the people that saved Camila.

"Let me be clear: Ishouldbring you before the Royal Convocation and have you both thrown in prison for the rest of your wretched lives," they both flinched, "However-" and then dared to look up at him, "I'm not going to do that." Now the surprised Blitz and Loona had a bit of hope in their eyes. "You saved Camila and for that I owe you a favor," Lucifer said, "And I've decided that favor is not throwing you to the wolves."

"Your assassin business though?" Lucifer frowned, "It no longer exists. As of tonight, it never existed. However, in its place, I think I'm going to allow you to form a new business: Bodyguard Service."

"We're not-" Blitz began before Loona elbowed him as hard as she could.

"We would be honored, sir," She replied with as much respect as possible.

Lucifer grinned, "You two are going to be working for me on a very special project as your first job…"

**********

Charlie paced back and forth in the lobby of the Happy Hotel, her expression grim.

"He's been gone for too long, Vaggie! What if he got hurt? Or kidnapped? Or hurt andthenkidnapped? Or-" Charlie panicked, tugging at her blonde locks while Vaggie grabbed her by the shoulders and grounded her.

"Hun, chill. Dazzle's only been gone for a few hours," Vaggie comforted as she led her girlfriend to the nearest couch, "He can turn into a dragon. He'll be fine."

"But what if he isn't!?"

This'd been going on for a while now, ever since Charlie sent Dazzle out to spy on her father's date. Vaggie knew that Charlie was many things, most of them beautiful, but being an overprotective Parent/Big Sister to her living stuffed toys was unfortunately one of them. With each passing hour, she'd suddenly begin imagining the worst possible fates befalling Dazzle and freak out. Vaggie tried to calm Charlie down despite her own exhaustion. It was now early morning, and she wanted to drag her love to bed and just sleep for a whole day.

But she couldn't. Shewouldn't. Not until Dazzle came back.

"What if he's lost and alone?" Charlie was now worriedly chewing on her hair, pacing back and forth, "Oh, I never should have sent him up there!I'm a terrible-"

"Baa!"

Vaggie sunk deep into the couch in relieved exhaustion while Charlie flung herself at the adorable butler-goat as he marched in proudly in his ghillie suit. She hugged him tight in the air as the butler-goat made the most adorable squeaking sound either of them had ever heard in existence.

"Oh, Dazzle! You're okay!" She skipped over to the couch Vaggie was slowly fading into unconsciousness on. "Vaggie, he came back!"

"Told you…" She muttered as she forced herself up and moved towards her girlfriend. "Now can wepleasego to be-"

"Not yet!" Charlie placed Dazzle down on the ground. "Sir Dazzle, what news do you have to report on my father's date?" She asked with an imperious expression, kneeling in front of the tiny butler goat like the princess she was.

"Baa," Dazzle brought out a notebook, opened it up, and thrusted it out proudly, "Baa!"

Charlie blinked as Vaggie tried her best not to laugh.

It was just…childish scribbling didn't even begin to describe what the page looked like. The word'Baa.'was written in shaky chicken scratch all around the edges, a messy circle with two stick figures on its sides at the center. One of the figures had curly hair and a red triangle over their body while the other had horns. Next to them was a purple blob that'd been scribbled furiously into the page, a pair of jagged green coloring denoting angry eyes and a fanged mouth.

"Baa!" Dazzle proudly flipped the book to show another page filled with the word'Baa.'and more childish scribblings of a long purple tube with a green frowny face. He flipped the page again and the entire thing was just the word'Baa'written repeatedly. When done, Dazzle looked up at his Big Sister with adorable eyes and a happy smile. Charlie, for her part, groaned and slumped to the ground.

Vaggie, having lost the fight, giggled at her girlfriend, "Charlie?"

"Yes, Vaggie?"

"You forgot Dazzle doesn't understand languages, didn't you?"

"Yes, Vaggie…" Before Charlie could lament her failure to learn anything about the mysterious 'Camila,' there was a knock at the door.

Charlie and Vaggie blinked at one another and shrugged. The latter summoned her spear as Charlie made her way to the front, opening the door to find a black clad imp with a burn on the right side of his face standing next to a goth hellhound. The imp was reading from a paper, looking up at her while opening and closing his mouth a few times. Finally, he crumpled up the paper and tossed it over his shoulder, causing the hellhound to facepalm.

"We're here to apply for a job!" the imp said, planting his fists on his hips and giving a megawatt smile.

Charlie brought her hands to her cheeks and squeed.

Notes:

I'm sure that lucifer casually entering his true form and using magic wont have any consequences whatsoever
Next Chapter: Meanwhile, on the Boiling Isles...

Chapter 11: Back on the Isles

Summary:

Amity Blight comes back from an epic adventure just in time for Luz to come back from her own.

Notes:

Back on a regular schedule babee!
Stress is the perfect motivator and i have never felt happier about that!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the woods surrounding Gravesfield, there was an old cabin.

Once, this cabin was run down and dilapidated, crumbling apart and falling to pieces as the owners had long since abandoned it. The cabin was the source of many urban legends throughout town: The Goatman lived there, a witch and her hellhound puppy lived there, a great and terrible owl-like beast nested there, a portal to Hell was there, and so on. Gravesfield High's students would regularly dare each other to try and spend the night in the old, ruined thing.

Now, however, the cabin had been bought by the Nocedas, who, along with their friends, refurbished it to look good as new: The rotting wood had been replaced, the shattered floors redone, and the collapsing roof retiled. As for why the Noceda family did this? Well, that was a secret between them and the parallel dimension just past the front door.

The shack, in actuality, was a portal to a place known only as the Boiling Isles: A vast and endless ocean of boiling hot water spread out for miles in every direction, colossal entities lay decomposing atop the surface like continents of bone. From these titanic corpses sprang life, with one such titan (the most complete skeleton of their kind) as center to the kingdom that gave the Boiling Isles their name.

Magical plants, magical animals, magical weather, magical…well,everything. The Boiling Isles was a land where magic was commonplace, widely used by the twin races known as Witches and Demons, who'd evolved from the blood and flesh of the fallen Titan. So many weird and wonderful forms of life grew here; many citizens of the Isles believed that every myth and legend of the Human Realm resulted from something from their realm coming over and getting extremely lost.

Red grass spread like water across the landscape while dark trees rose up like towers. Meanwhile, beasts buzzed, slithered, walked, crawled, and flew through the air. All of this under the watchful gaze of the gargantuan skull that, despite being the site of a near genocide, gave comfort and solace to many.

Cities and towns dotted the grassy, earthen landscape. Even now, they bore the scars of Belos' regime and his final, crazed act of defiance against the inevitable end approaching him. The largest sign of his old rule was the colossal arm that reached towards the stars above. From those with old coven sigils branded into their wrists, to the statue garden outside the hospitals that tried desperately to reverse the petrification process, and the massive former citadel of the Collector laying on the Titan's skull like a crown, the damage Belos had done was still felt by all.

But his rule was done. The emperor was dead. The Boiling Isles were finallyfree.

Wild Magic, once the bane of common folks and boogeyman to their imaginations, now ran openly throughout the isles like it once did millennia prior. The students of magical schools mixed different kinds of sorcery as they pleased, rediscovering what'd been taken from them by the coven sigils. From Abomination witches experimenting with construction magic to Oracles mixing magic with Illusionists, it was a time of freedom that all enjoyed.

And there was no greater center for this than the enormous tree at the Titan's chest cavity; his final gift to the isles before his spirit departed from this world. It'd grown out of, and firmly destroyed, the old castle of Emperor Belos and spread its roots deep within the Titan's earthen remains. Its colorful leaves spread out like a fan over a collection of Halls and Dormitories, turning what'd once been the dark heart of an empire into the capital and school of wild magic itself.

The University of Wild Magic was new, having only been completed two years ago after the last of the rebuilding. Stairways and rope bridges connected its halls and buildings. The entire campus was wrapped around the tree's trunk and branches, as wild and free as the isles' people now were.

Amity Blight, part-time employee of the Boiling Isles Natural History Museum and reluctant part-time CEO of the Blight Industries Corporate Empire following Odalia's (she refused to call the woman mom) arrest, couldn't be happier with the way life was currently going.

The lavender haired witch steered towards the college, marveling at the big change from the old castle. The former structure, all gold lining, white marble, and billowing smoke, had cast an oppressive glow down upon the masses from the safety of a bramble moat. By contrast, the college was warm wood and open spaces, all tied into and working with nature as opposed to destroying it like Belos had done.

The sights had been made all the more beautiful from high above on her abomination zeppelin; feat of magical engineering if she said so herself, and quite handy for getting up to the higher reaches of the Arm without climbing. Abomination goo formed a lightweight balloon that carried her brass carriage, outfitted to resemble a great cat. She even gave it paws for landing gear and an adorable Cat-bomination head for both prow and headlights. It'd been designed as her personal vehicle in traveling to fallen Titans, avoiding attacks from Titan Trappers or Graverobbers plundering lost, pre-Deadwardian civilizations.

However, after taking over from Odalia, she'd been pressured to present new products and items since personally shutting down all shady dealings and weapons manufacturing. Maybe she'd allow the board to manufacture the Cat-bomination blimp into a new line of personal transportation for the masses. They'd probably do really well alongside Abomination-Umbrellas, which sold like crazy due to boiling rain.

As she maneuvered the blimp into park, the young woman hopped over the side, landing on the wooden platform in what her wonderful Batata once called a 'Superhero Landing'pose. Personally, Amity found it rather silly, but Luz had gone all starry eyed at the sight, so she made sure to do it often. Still, it was hard on her knees and spine, and so she cracked her back, startling a group of Lower Knee owls into flight while checking her uniform. The Abomination goo made a wonderful fabric for her loose pants, which went well with her knee-high boots and snazzy looking black coat, which was stained from using Abominations in constant fights.

With a deep sigh, she took in the university. Between the sound of countless Palismen chittering with one another, lectures and lessons before eager students, and wind rustling through the leaves as countless wind chimes rang out, everything formed a beautiful chorus that made Amity smile just hearing it. Truly, this place was home, more so than her actual home had ever been.

Okay, maybe a bit unfair, Amity thought, knowing that her dad wastrying. It didn't make up for the years of following Odalia in lockstep, but after everything, he was trying to be better. She'd gotten to a point where she was happy to see and have him in her life, even if there were times she wished Alador had been this way growing up. Which reminded her of something important as she got out her scroll and began typing.

'I'm back on the Isles, dad.'

She planned to put her scroll away for later but was surprised by how fast he responded, a text bubble already appearing.

'That's great. I'm actually holding a little dinner tonight with your siblings. Would you care to join?'

'I'd love to. I'll see if Luz can join in.'

She smiled, walking beneath rope bridges filled with students and animals, the university going about its daily life. Talking with her dad…it was nice after so long apart. Walking rather aimlessly, she waited for her dad to respond.

'Speaking of Luz, have you asked her yet?'

'I literally only just learned about the dinner. How could I have asked her?'

'Not that, about You Know What?'

Her brow furrowed in confusion at the response: 'You Know What?'. Uh, no, she didn't. She was planning on talking to Luz after classes, but besides asking her to a family dinner, the only other thing she'd planned on asking her was-

Oh… Amity's eyes went wide,Ohsh*t!Her face went nuclear as she almost dropped her scroll, pure embarrassment running through her.Dad knows?She began typing and wondered,How in the Titan's name does he know?

'How do you know that?'

'Amity, if you give Eda with enough Appleblood, she'll basically become the chattiest witch in the isles. Literally all I did was give her a glass during a meeting and she shouted it from the rooftops.'

She sighed deeply, shoulders sagging as she realized she should've seen this coming. Eda Clawthorne was many things: Most powerful witch on the Boiling Isles, one of the saviors of Witch and Demonkind, mentor to her wonderful Batata, and the adopted mother to a god. She was not, however, reliable when it came to giant secrets like this.

Especially ones concerning Luz.

'How many people know?'

She practically ripped the scroll in half upon reading the response.

'I think the only person who doesn't know what you're planning is Luz herself, if I'm honest.'

Okay, that was going to be a problem. If Luz learned before she could go through with it…well, it wouldn't be the end of the world (been there, done that) but it'd ruin every last plan she was cooking up in her mind.

Titan, but finding out what to do was hard.

Underneath the Grom Tree? Currently shifting out of winter mode so the leaves aren't quite there yet. Owl House? Possible, but it'd be too risky to prepare anything without Luz finding out before it was done. Hexside? Perhaps, but it'd have to be when no students were there potentially ruin anything.

When to do it was just as hard a question: After the college term was done? Made sense, but it wasn't going to happen for a while. Luz's 21st birthday? An even longer wait and wouldn't be until October. Grom Night? Now that Grometheus was stuck in a tree, there weren't any more Grom Nights.

Now she reached the eternal impasse: What to even do? Odalia had plannedto the letterwhat would happen if this day ever came, but Amity personally threw all those binders into a bonfire.

'I'm… planning on it. I don't know what to do.'

'I'd help but my own relationship was, well, with Odalia.'

A shiver of disgust down her spine at the very idea of having a relationship like her parent's. She loved her dad, she really did, but Odalia could go choke. While asking him wouldn't help, the thought that his first instinct was to try and help made her happy. Alador wasn't perfect by any means, but he was trying. What more could you ask for in an imperfect father?

'I'll figure something out, but thanks anyway dad.'

She paused, smiling as she typed out one last thing.

'Love you, dad.'

There was silence on the other end of the line before a simple response came back.

'Love you too, Mittens.'

She smiled again at the message; her dad was trying, and that was enough.

Putting the scroll away, she ran a hand through her thick pink locks. Life was good, and it looked to get even better when she finally womaned up and asked Luz to dress up and travel with her as more than just girlfriends. Of course, that required finding her first. Not that she planned to do it on this random Monday, but her Batata Levels were depleted and she needed a concentration of vitamin Luz.

Amity continued her walk through the interior of the university, going over rope bridges and open forums as she listened to countless classes. Eda had chosen her staff well, all of them having a deep passion for their craft and a desire to share it. She'd once thought about attending after Hexside, but decided against it. With her future now ultimately up to her, she chose the path of an adventurer instead, now working alongside Eda's older sister.

Lilith, ever dependable Lilith, who was becoming more like the mom she always wanted, had eagerly given her a high paying job going out into the wider world to discover amazing artifacts and secrets. Amity had been hesitant to accept, since being away from everyone for so long would be painful. Luckily, Luz and their friends would often take 'academic trips' to join in her adventures. These were experiences she wouldn't give up for anything.

Life, she decided, was certainly great.

"Amity! You're back!"

And it just got better,Amity smiled brightly and ran up to hug the green haired, and quite buff, witch in forest green gym shorts and a blazing orange/yellow jacket over a white shirt. Willow Park, childhood best friend turned bullying victim turned friend again hugged Amity tightly, lifting her off the ground and twirling her. Amity tried not to wince as she felt her bones contract under Willow's strength. The two smiled at each other even as the rest of the Hexsquad ambled up.

Gus Porter, dark skinned president of the Human Realm/Demon Realm Exchange Program, had somehow grown another few inches and was now taller than her. His simple yellow coat jacket, brown vest, and dark slacks made him look professional, which was the vibe the Illusion Professor's assistant was going for.

Hunter, the last witch of the Hexsquad, was in simple gray clothing as he stood beside Willow, watching his girlfriend hug the life out of Amity. He'd forgone his apron for a simple jacket as the Grimwalker smiled, scars wrinkling across his face.

"Good to see you again Amity!" Gus said, slinging an arm around her shoulder as soon as Willow put her down. The dark-skinned witch laughed as he rubbed the back of his head, "Guess I owe Hunter some snails."

Amity blinked, "Why would you-"

"I bet Gus that Luz wouldn't get back before you did, so I technically won since Luz is hanging with her mom," Hunter scratched his chin, "I mean, when Eda caved and gave Luz an entire week to spend with her, you should have conceded then and there, Gus."

"How was I supposed to know Eda would cave?"

"Because Eda loves Luz as much as she does King and would do anything for her," Amity frowned, crossed her arms, and grumbled, "Even reveal stuff she totally shouldn't have."

"Speaking of…"

Oh no…Amity looked up and found the Hexsquad staring at her impishly, sly smiles on their faces.

Willow chuckled, "You gonna make me the Maid of Honor?"

She groaned in pure despair, "Did she telleveryone?"

"Yep!" They all said. Amity swore she'd never again ask the Owl Lady for anything!

"Oh hey, Boots! You're back just in time!" The voice of her current arch-nemesis called out. As Amity turned to face her, she took note of how gracefully Eda had aged, especially since entering her…alliance, so to speak, with the Owl Curse; her physical aging having slowed back down to normal. Long, bushy white hair, which Amity bet had countless items stored inside it, was tied back into an impressive ponytail and held back with several brass braids. Her mechanical-arm (which Amity and her dad provided for free) ended in that golden hook she loved despite the extreme impracticality. Completing the look were her red robes, shined to a fault and free of the clutter that usually followed the Owl Lady like a cloak.

While Amity would always hold Eda in high esteem, right now, she wasslightlymad.

"You toldeveryone!?" She yelled, causing several classes to turn from their open forums and watch the drama unfold. Eda winced and sheepishly rubbed the back of her head.

"Okay…yes, I did. But-" She held up her hand and hook in defense as Amity snorted angrily, "In my defense, I got abitcarried away while celebrating."

"But you don't even know if Luz will say yes yet!" Amity shouted, to which every person listening from both her friends, Eda herself, and the eavesdropping students just gave her incredibly unimpressed looks.

"Yeah, no. She's gonna say yes," Eda chuckled.

"But what if-?"

"Amity," Willow came around, placed hands on her shoulders, and smiled, "She's gonna say yes."

"But-"

"Amity?" Willow looked her in the eyes with a stern expression, "Do you love her?"

She paused, swallowed, and nodded.

"And do you know that she loves you?"

She nodded.

Willow, sweet and honest Willow, who'd graciously decided to forgive her many,manymistakes, and who was now as close to her as when they were kids, just smiled and said, "Then you know deep down she'll say yes."

Amity smiled back, the comfort filling her up and dispelling all doubts. Willow was a good friend. She'd always been there for her…even when Amity didn't deserve it.

She didn't deserve a friend like Willow.

After everything, after every insult she'd thrown and abuse she'd hurled, she didn't deserve this wonderful witch as her friend. And yet a friend she had in her. Amity didn't cry, simply hugging the plant prodigy close so nobody could see the tears forming in her eyes.

You don't deserve this,An insidious part of her whispered. It was something that's always been there, that wouldalwaysbe there,You willneverdeserve this.

Yeah? Well, shut up,

Amity told her own mind as she leaned back and schooled her features, not giving away her inner turmoil. If the gentle smile on Willow's face was anything to go by, she didn't do a very good job of it. But that was okay. They were okay.

She blinked,Wasn't I mad about something?

"Ah, I remember how terrified I was about asking Raine," Eda mused, resting her hook on her chin as she stared into the distance, "The flower field I wanted to do it in kinda fell into the Boiling Sea alongside most of the stuff on the Upper Arm so we had to improvise…"

Oh, right. She was supposed to be angry about Eda blabbering her plans to literally everyone. "I cannot believe you would do this!" Amity stomped up to her with a furrowed brow, "I thought you were going to help me, not-"

"Relax, Boots," Eda lazily waved her hook and rummaged through her pocket with her good hand, "Did exactly what you asked me to and got it done extra nice." She pulled her hand out, revealing a small blue velvet box. Eda impishly smirked, "So if you don't want it-"

Amity didn't even give her time to finish, rushing forward and grabbing ahold of the box before rapidly stuffing it down a pocket. "Yesthankyouallisforgiven!" Her words slurred together with how fast they tumbled out, causing laughter amongst her friends as she furiously stepped back.

"Hey," Eda began again with a soft, almost motherly expression, which Amity didn't expect nor was she prepared to see. The Owl Lady gently reached out and ruffled her hair affectionately, "She'll love it. I know she will."

Amity swallowed and nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, when a figure flew through the trees at a rapid pace. Her sight was met with a very familiar Palisman staff holding averyfamiliar human that sent her heart a flutter; Luz, her wonderful girlfriend and Savior of the Boiling Isles, tried to hop off Stringbean, only to fall flat on her face before scrambling upright and leaning on the flying staff.

"Meant to do that," Luz said with a grin and finger gun as the Hexsquad rushed their friend. Amity barely took notice of how Vee and Masha were also on Stringbean, who shifted into her base form and curled around Luz's arm like a bracelet.

Amity would've been amazed that Vee, the basilisk who'd sworn never to set foot on the Boiling Isles ever again, was now proudly walking along the university without fear. At least, she would have, if she wasn't currently staring at her wonderful girlfriend.

Hunter caught Luz in a headlock while Gus hugged her tightly, followed by Willow capturing them all in a group hug. The Hexsquad remained there for a moment, all while Amity remained frozen from the sheer weight of the ring in her pocket.

The fact that they'd seen each other just a week ago was safely ignored.

"Luz! You bring me anything good from the human world?" Gus asked from the group hug while the others dispersed, "I'm running out of cool things from our summer stay and I could use more material for the Exchange Program so-"

"Gus, she just got back." Willow chided, resting a hand on Luz's shoulder, "You can ask her for presents after someone comes up and says Hi like a normal witch." Willow then, to Amity's horror, shoved Luz forward till the two of them were inches apart.

"Sweet Potato!" Luz cried out happily as she caught her in a deep hug and planted a kiss on her cheek, "I missed yousooomuch!"

Amity, ignoring the waggling eyebrows of Willow and the rest of the Hexsquad, hugged her girlfriend back tightly. Thoughts about her newest mission tried to make themselves known, but she shoved them down, not wanting to blurt out the question here and now like an idiot.

"I missed you too, Batata."

The two girlfriends remained embraced, acting as if they'd been separated for years rather than mere days.

Eda, a pleased smile on her face, came over and ruffled Luz's hair affectionately, "Hey kiddo, how was your other mom?"

Luz froze, and then broke free and rushed over to Vee and Masha, bringing the pair to the center and looking…strangely determined.

"Guys, something amazing happened. Or something potentially serious, we don't know yet," Luz explained as Vee nodded along and Masha just stared in awe at the massive tree.

"Thisis where you go to college, Luz?" Masha asked, their voice almost reverent, "Holysh*t, did I pick the wrong place."

"You can be sufficiently amazed by the university afterwards," Vee said before turning to the rest of the Hexsquad, "Alright gang, this is serious, because-"

"Mom…isdatingagain," Luz finished with sufficient drama in her voice.

The listening witches just blinked.

"Ha, good for Cam!" Eda called out happily. The rest of the Hexsquad reacted similarly as well, Willow and Hunter looking at one another while Gus just nodded. Amity would have responded too, but she was staring at Luz and Vee, both of whom looked worried. The sense of joy died down a bit as the two sisters seemed to have an entire conversation without words.

"It's fine," Luz frowned, "If he's as harmless as he appears."

"Which he might not be," Vee added, "I don't know what he is, but he's not what he seems."

Amity was not the only one remembering Luz's kind mother, who gladly took them all in after the Collector forced them off the isles with potentially no way back. She'd fed them, cared for them, helped them overcome their trauma of almost seeing Belos destroy their home…

"Tell us everything." Hunter said, the former child soldier sounded dangerous as he frowned at the ground.

"Yeah, not right now." Eda interjected as the entire Hexsquad blinked and then looked at her. Pinching the bridge of her nose in mild annoyance, she continued, "I still can't believe I say this regularly, but I'm going to be the responsible one here: Your mom can handle herself fine for a few hours while you go to class."

"Iliterallyjust got back, Eda." Luz threw up her hands in exasperation.

"And you weresupposedto be back yesterday. You know, the end of the weekend?" Eda stared at her, "Now it's Monday, and I can only hold off your instructors for so long before they start calling me out for blatant favoritism."

"But…youdoshow blatant favoritism?" Gus said, confused.

"Yeah, because Luz is Luz," Eda explained, to which the aforementioned human witch preened, "The rest of you get one free pass and that's about it."

"But what if he-?" Vee began, only to be cut off by the Owl Lady.

"Vee, you and Masha are welcome to fill me in on the nitty gritty, but as for the rest of you, I'm still the headmaster and have to be all responsible and sh*t. Go back to class and then plot whatever plan you'll cook up regardless of what I tell you." Eda sighed deeply and mumbled, "If child-me could see me now…"

"Question?" Amity asked, resisting the ingrained urge to raise her hand. Eda just chuckled.

"Boots, you're not a student here. You can go where you please," Eda gave her a sly smile, "Like Bardic Studies, for example."

Hunter, who shared said class with the two of them, groaned in despair. Bardic Studies, amongst the students at the university, was also known as the "Lumity Power Hour."

Everyone else just called it "Luz and Amity try to one up each other in cheesy romance songs before a captive audience."

"Alright," Luz clenched a fist, determination set in, "First, we learn. And then…"

"Weplan."

Notes:

I know Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss are musicals (HB far less so, though) but im still not that comfy putting actual songs that people wrote in here... also, i cant come up with my own.
That's okay though, because next chappie i get the excuse to write in a thematically appropriate song that also has lore connotations.
Next Chapter: The Lumity Power Hour Begins, and then the Hexsquad schemes...

Chapter 12: The Lumity Power Hour

Summary:

Bardic Studies is taken over by God's favorite couple, and then the Hexsquad begin to scheme

Notes:

So this might be half an hour late and I'm sorry about that. I had to quickly finish it while at my latest unpaid job, so it is what it is.
Anywho, I'd like to just say that i do read all of your comments and they make me smile. I enjoy the feedback, the praise, the ideas, and even this once Omake someone wrote in a comment a few chapters ago.
You all rock so much and i love you all.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Bardic Studies, like many other classes in the University of Wild Magic, was open to all and as wild as magic was. Eda implemented many rules and structures to ensure that the restrictive and smothering nature of her own academic life would never again crush anyone else like it had her. There had been some who had rebelled against the idea of having the very first Wild Magic institution be a place of academic anarchy, but Eda made her case well.

And thus, the university was unlike any other.

Eda and the teachers had plundered the vaults of gold and treasure beneath Belos' castle, all of which he'd taken from the isles' people over the decades. Even after giving most of it away to help rebuild, tuition was a foreign concept and would be for many years to come. There was no shortage of students, most wanting to learn at the feet of the famous Owl Lady. As such, she personally selected the teachers who'd bring their expertise to the next generation, crafting a new age of magic.

Bardic Studies was one such example.

Katya Katra, once a member of the Bards Against The Throne (turned Covens Against The Throne), as well one of the legendary Raine Whispers' apprentices, had practically begged to join the college. She wanted to help spread the joys of bardic magic, and she'd been so utterly happy to teach advanced bardic theory and practice to all who joined her classes. Currently, however, she stood with an awkward smile as she watched the Lumity Power Hour.

"...and I just-I don't know who I'd be without you," Luz held Amity's hands as she spoke. The young woman was clad in her official uniform (basically the Hexside uniform with an added hood and poofier sleeves). Though the only sign of what magical field you were planning on majoring in was the hood itself, Luz took it upon herself to paint her entire uniform in every color of magic available, homaging her Hexside uniform.

Amity, still in her explorer's outfit, just smiled lovingly at her girlfriend, "You would be an amazing bonfire of a person, Luz. You'd shine your light for all to see. I don't know who I'd be without you."

"Amity…" Luz breathed happily.

"Luz…"

"None of this is Bardic Magic, you know," Katya said, just staring at the two of them. She'd long since given up trying to stop their flirting, but still made token efforts, "So not to try and put a damper on things, but-"

"Then let me rectify that," Amity twirled her hand in the air, a deep red spell circle appearing as soft lights began to fall around the couple. Luz gasped at the sight.

Amity smiled warmly at her, and then she began to sing. "You have always done so much…"

She spread her arms out wide as she sang, her voice carrying over the class. "So many lives you've saved. So many souls you've touched."

Luz had small tears in her eyes, a smile as bright as the sun on her face as they both began to move closer to one another while Amity sang, "And in the end, if it's only me who hears-"

As if by some hidden signal, Luz opened her mouth to sing as well. The two women entered into a duet that swept over everyone listening. "There's something that I've been wanting to say for years."The two finally stood in front of one another as they looked into each other's eyes.

Slowly they began to twirl around, their feet drawing a red circle of Bardic magic that lifted them into the air as if they were stepping on clouds. With the sparkles still falling around them, it truly seemed like they were in their own little world.

"More than anything."Amity sang, reaching over to cup Luz's face gently. Luz softly pressed her cheek against it with a smile.

"More than anything."Luz rang out, pressing her forehead against Amity's as they held each other close.

"Need you to know I love you more than anything!"The two rang out as loud and proud as they could, their voices reaching a harmonious melody.

The two finally stared at one another softly and simply said. "More than anything…"and ended their duet with a kiss.

Hunter Noceda-Deamonne would've been happy for them if this wasn't thethirdsong they've gone through by now, and if this wasn't themillionthtime they used Bardic Studies to essentially flirt with one another. While happy for his adopted sister, the routine got old very fast. He seemed to be the only one over the Lumity Power Hour, however, as the class broke out into gracious applause and cheering. He'd admit that it was a good song and wondered if he should try singing it to Willow later.

He then dismissed that because copying Luz would cause endless teasing from the duo and that'd be a fate worse than death. Titan, he was going to have to come up with his own song for her, wasn't he?

Luz and Amity broke apart and took a bow, both of them still holding hands as they did so.

Hunter started to clap sarcastically before Waffles, his bluebird Palisman, tugged on his hair. If the impish smirk Luz sent him was anything to go by, she'd noticed and enjoyed his suffering.

A buzz sounded off from his pocket and he got out his scroll to notice Willow had sent him a message.

'How long did it take them this time?'

He found himself smiling shyly as he typed out his response.

'About five minutes.'

'Lol.'

He put the scroll away just in time to hear Katya praising the duo. "...wonderful display of beauty, and good use of spell craft with the visuals." Her smile thinned a bit as she clapped, "Now please, for theloveof theTitan, let me teach my class uninterruptedfor once."

"It's not my fault Amity's the best girlfriend anyone could ask for!" Luz placed her hand atop Amity's shoulder as she made her grand proclamation. The lavender haired witch smiled and hugged Luz in response as the human witch exclaimed, "I can't help but want to share it with the world!"

Small groans echoed out from the class. Luz and Amity were, without fail, the single cheesiest pair of girlfriends in all of existence, exasperatingeveryonewith their antics.

"I mean, I was going to talk about the actual history of Bard Magic, but since you two want to keep singing to one another-"

"Wasn't Bardic History covered back during Hexside?" Luz asked, Katya actually becoming more energetic.

"You'd think so, wouldn't you? But what was covered back then was the 'official' history of magic underneath Belos - the actual history of things was destroyed and rewritten to fit his anti-Wild Magic agenda," Katya was now pacing back and forth, Luz and Amity returning to their seats as the class eagerly took notes, "It's not just Bard Magic - every single magical art has a deep and rich history he tried to destroy and alter to make us hate our past selves and worship him as the savior of Witch and Demonkind."

Katya ripped out a piece of chalk, furiously writing down snippets of history on a blackboard, "The Dreadwardian Era, the Brass Era, the Five Kingdoms Era… how much of our story has been lost because of him?" She twirled around and faced her class, fangs glinting in the torchlight, "I'm happy to announce before you all that we actually have some unaltered history to teach as of right now! Thanks in part to the efforts of the Supernatural Museum of History and its curator, Lilith Clawthorne, we have been able to recreate some of the lost documents and history destroyed by the Emperor's Coven." Katya clapped her hands and did an illusion spell, creating an image of wild witches from the Wild Ages, formerly known as the Savage Ages under Belos, dancing and singing beneath the gaze of the Titan's Skull.

"Bardic Magic is one of the oldest forms of magic itself - even predating Abomination and Oracle magic - and is only predated by Construction and Illusion magic, both of which formed the foundations of the isles' earliest civilizations!" Her voice captivated the audience as her eyes danced in the light, "We thought the first forms of Bard Magic came from instruments, but new evidence suggests otherwise. Our very own Amity Blight-" Amity gave a small wave and cheery smile as everyone turned to her, "-actually managed to come back with old stone tablets recovered from the Boiling Sea by the movement of The Arm. What these tablets have to say isfascinating."

Katya twirled her hand and the image changed to that of two groups of witches and demons: one with musical instruments and the other without, both engaging in diplomacy.

"From what we understand, the first instances of Bardic Magic were actually introduced to the Boiling Isles, rather than existing already. Witches and Demons learned from a teacher who came from another Titan that this teacher called 'Hela.'" Katya spoke clearly and happily, the class enraptured by her words as the image she conjured changed to that of the Titan lying alongside another colossal skeleton in the Boiling Sea, "Though all records of Hela's whereabouts have been lost, we've managed to uncover even this small part of history as one of the very earliest records of our civilization - dating back even farther than the development of bronze tools! The name 'Amdusias'keeps popping up…"

Well,Hunter mused as he watched the illusions,At least the Lumity Power Hour's finally over.

As if sensing his thoughts, Luz turned back to him, smiling evilly before turning to her girlfriend and practically falling all over her, "Sweet Potato, your voice wassooopretty!"

Amity seemed to have gotten the message as she rested her head atop Luz's, "Your voice was prettier, Batata."

"Yourvoice was prettier."

"No,yourvoice was prettier."

Oh dear Titan, end me, Hunter pulled at his hair in frustration while the two lovebirds continued piling on compliments to each other.

**********

Thankfully,mercifully, the Lumity Power Hour that was Bardic Studies was the last class of the day. As Luz and Amity walked in front of him, talking at length about everything and nothing, Hunter found himself just sort of thinking about things.

Once, he'd been the Emperor's right hand. He'd been the head of the Emperors' Coven and enforcer of his will. He'd been raised practically from birth-no, from creation, things like him weren'tborn, butmade. He'd been crafted perfectly to do his duty and be the best version of a long dead man he could be without even knowing it.

Any deviance was met with the back end of a blade, and failure was met with cruel punishment. He was beaten like an animal just for failing to meet impossible standards more days than most and it made him…it made himcruel. He fell into his tasks with wild abandon, either not noticing how it affected the isles' people or, in the case of Luz and the Owl Lady, not caring. He'd fed countless Palismen to the Emperor, and only after meeting Flapjack did he realize just how utterly f*cked up his life was.

And now, after so long and so many atrocities, he was carving Palismen for a living and helping his mentor Dell teach others in the same art. Where once his hands gripped his techno-staff tightly as he fought and oppressed wild witches, they now held a carver's tools to help bring some semblance of life back into the isles after spending so long feeding the Emperor's curse. Once, he had nothing outside of his duty, yet now he had trouble juggling his day-to-day life with all the activities he filled it with: Palisman carving, Flyer Derby, university life, his relationship with Willow...

Where once he had nothing but Belos and the Coven, now he had everything.

The leaves above reflected the setting sun, shining their light down on the university. Many different students rushed back to dormitories or went home if they lived close enough. Dancing torchlight shone out from many different alcoves around the tree as afternoon turned to evening around the trio.

Hunter kept his hands in his pockets, walking with the relaxed pace he'd trained himself to use (having battle reflexes and a soldier's instincts drilled into you from early childhood did not do any favors towards being normal) as he wandered behind the chatting witches.

In all honesty, he didn't mind the Lumity Power Hour. After all Luz and Amity had been through and done, they honestly deserved to act as cheesy and sappy as they pleased, even with a captive audience. His sister in all but blood deserved to be happy.

He was never going to say that, however, since he had a reputation to maintain. Plus, he didn't want to give Luz any more teasing ammunition.

The trio wandered their way to the base of the tree, where the last remnants of the old castle lay crumbling beneath the university's roots. It was a stretch of wall that, miraculously, escaped Belos' last act and now served as the hangout spot for the Hexsquad. White marble brick was tangled up in roots that seemed to nestle into it, keeping the room steady. The room itself was simple, with spartan decorations and a bed that hadn't been used in years. A few stuffed toys lined the bed while fading newspaper clippings rotted away alongside a cork board full of knick knacks and Emperor's Coven posters.

It was, to put it bluntly, a very depressing room.

It was also his old room when he still served the coven.

How exactly it'd survived Belos turning into a pseudo-titan, the castle's collapse, and his defeat was a mystery for the ages, and not one Hunter was keen on learning. The Hexsquad made attempts to make it less depressing, adding light strings along the ceiling, posters from the human world, and pictures of their various hangouts/adventures to the cork board. Gus even brought in bean bag chairs to sit in.

The room was now a sort of hub for them to get away from the daily grind, either for solitude or just to hang out. Many movie nights and adventures were plotted here as the Hexsquad graduated from Hexside and entered the adult world. It was here where Hunter and Willow finally confessed to one another, here where they'd all plotted their first adventure to another Titan, here where he'd carved Waffles in honor of Flapjack, and here where Luz and Amity often escaped to make out with nobody watching.

The trio entered to find Willow and Gus waiting, the former reclining on the bed while the latter checked his Penstagram. Masha and Vee were on a bean bag, the human being filled in on the University of Wild Magic's specifics, all while they groaned in despair over going to whatever a 'community college' was instead of here.

"Alright gang, Operation: Stealthy Cupid revealed some interesting things," Luz clapped her hands together as everyone jumped slightly and looked at her. Hunter took the time to sit next to Willow, resting his head on her shoulder as she smiled at him.

"Sorry, hold on. What's Operation: Stealthy Cupid?" Gus asked, putting his scroll away in his pocket as he looked at her confused.

"Masha, Vee, and I followed Mom on her date to make sure he wasn't a creep or anything." Luz explained, forming a few glyph combos to make an illusion of a dartboard with various clues and items strung together, "It was very…illuminating."

"I'd just like to say that I joined the operation under protest," Masha crossed their arms defiantly.

"I didn't," Vee said helpfully.

"Anyway," Luz continued, clapping her hands again, "It's time we talked about Lucius Magne."

Silence fell across the room.

"Who?" Hunter asked.

"Camila's date in the human realm. Were you not listening to us on the way over here?" Amity asked in offense.

Hunter opened his mouth, paused, and smirked. "Nope!" He chirped as an abomination thread pillow hit his face,Worth it.

"Luz and I talked about it for five minutes!" Amity yelled.

"I assumed you were still doing the Lumity Power Hour, so I just sort of tuned you out," He shot back and took delight in their blushing embarrassment. The pillow swatted him again, this time by his girlfriend, who sent a small glare at him.

"Don't be mean," Willow said, to which he held up his hands in surrender and nodded.

"Anyway," Luz stressed. "For those of you who don't know, Lucius Magne is Mom's date and maybe boyfriend."

"Luz, they've only been on two dates," Vee stressed.

"With a third already planned!" Luz responded.

"Is there a limit for how many dates are required before one becomes a boyfriend?"

Luz opened her mouth, paused, and shrugged, "I wasn't really desirable enough for people to consider dating back in the human realm, so I wouldn't know."

Hunter frowned alongside everyone else. The more they learned of Luz's social life before the isles, the less they enjoyed the humans around her save for Camila and Masha. Willow clenched her fists while he crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Well, it's their loss," Amity slung an arm around Luz's shoulder and planted a kiss on her cheek, "I'm not happy they didn't see how amazing you are, but Iamhappy you're dating me now."

Luz smiled dopily, snickers going through the room at the couple's cheesiness. Hunter almost opened his mouth to tease about just how happy Amity was before he closed it with a click. That would be cruel, revealing it to Luz before Amity was ready. Revealing it to everyone else? That was fair game, but Luz would be a step too far, and he was trying to make up for his many sins.

"In the human world, it usually takes a few dates to find out if you're compatible enough to be considered together," Masha, ever dependable Masha, explained for the Hexsquad. They all forgot their anger at Luz's human schooling to listen to the other human in the room, "Like, going on one date and declaring yourself dating is rushing things, whereas after three you've established enough of a pattern to-"

"So, it's basically the same as here on the isles, got it," Gus gave a thumbs up and began furiously scribbling into a notepad he had. "This'll be great for the exchange program! Heck, I could make it another whole lesson:Dating between species."

"Okay…good to know." Masha looked interested besides themself, clearly curious, "Anything else I should know about that?"

"On the Isles, you show you're going steady by gifting a piece of your own jewelry to the person you're dating." Gus explained to which Masha froze, grabbed at their necklace and then turned to Vee.

"That'swhy you were so happy about getting my old earrings?" Masha asked. Vee, in response, blushed and nodded while her significant other breathed through their nose, "Okay, so I basically proposed to my girlfriend by accident…cool,coolcoolcool."

"No take backs," Vee rested her head on their shoulder.

"ANYWAY!" Luz once more clapped her hands to get everyone's attention and gave a serious look, "Moving on, we need to talk about Lucius."

"Is he dangerous?" Willow asked, the mirth on her face gone along with everyone else's.

Luz opened her mouth…before pausing and shrugging, "I don't know."

The rest of the Hexsquad blinked and looked to one another before turning back to her, "Then what's the problem?"

"He's not normal," Vee got up, moving to the front of the room alongside Luz and Amity. "He smells of magic, but only sometimes. And the magic he smells like is…weird." She frowned, "It was like eating a hot pepper covered in chili sauce, and kinda burned a bit just from its ambience."

All who weren't magic-eating basilisks just looked at one another again. "Is…" Hunter began, his voice unsure, "Is that not normal?"

Vee blinked before pinching the bridge of her nose, "No, that's not normal. Magic has a distinct flavor, almost like a tangy fruit juice. It shouldn't be spicy at all."

A general wave of understanding ran across the room as they all nodded. Masha looked interested and joined Gus in writing down everything Vee was saying.

Willow, however, focused on the important bits, "He could be from a different Titan."

Vee shrugged, "I've only ever eaten magic from this Titan, never another. He could be a witch in disguise."

"He's also rich," Luz made a small alteration to the glyph combo and the image changed from a dartboard to that of a very fancy, rather short looking man in a bright white suit, "I was a little distracted by everything surrounding the date-"

"By the way, if he ever gets out of jail, we're beating up Jacob Hopkins," Masha said, to which their girlfriend viciously nodded along.

Hunter blinked, "Wait, what does Jacob have to do-"

Luz talked right over him, "-but I took note of how it's possible mom snagged a vampire millionaire."

"I thought you told me vampires weren't real?" Gus asked.

"I said they probably weren't real, but recent events have made me think otherwise," Luz paced back and forth with a severe expression, "His magical aura, his vast wealth, his odd behavior…I see two possibilities before me." She turned to the group, "Option one is that he's exactly what he appears to be: A vampire millionaire who just so happened to meet Mom and is now fighting against his inner nature to be the man she believes him to be, all while dodging supernatural enemies he's made over the centuries."

"I read that book, Luz," Masha rolled their eyes, "It wasn't that good."

Luz blushed and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, "Anyway, option two is he's a demon from another titan who fled to the human realm and is using his magic to make a fortune." She started pacing again, "Mom thinks he's some high-power executive from a company in New York, and I can totally see a magical demon making a fortune off the stock market."

"I…understood those were words," Gus said, smiling embarrassedly as he kept writing in his notebook.

Stringbean floated around Luz's head, speaking in her little "Meeps."

Luz nodded, "Also, Stringbean wants me to tell you all a demon from the isles made it into the human world and tried to crash the date." She explained as Stringbean shifted into an adorable goat beast in a plant like suit with what looked to be night-vision goggles on. "What he was doing there is a mystery," Luz continued, "But it could be connected."

"Or..." Vee looked expectantly at Luz, "It could be one of those creatures Eda accidentally gave sentience and abandoned behind a coffee shop."

"There is also that possibility, yes. Eda did make talking racoons once so-"

Masha rocketed to their feet in alarm, "Wait, wait, the talking raccoons are real!?" Luz and Vee nodded, to which Masha sat back down, "I thought Jeremy was pulling my leg about seeing those…"

"The point I'm trying to make is this: Lucius is magical, rich, and may or may not be connected to an isles demon Stringbean had a fight with," Luz tried to convey the gravity of the situation, "I don't know if he's a vampire or a witch from the isles, but he's something, and we're not leaving this room until we figure it out!"

"I have the exchange program to get back to," Gus explained.

"I have a date with Hunter," Willow added, to which her boyfriend nodded bashfully.

"I was actually gonna see if you wanted to come to dinner with my dad and the twins," Amity said, to which Luz sighed.

"Okay, we're not leaving this room forat leastan hour."

Notes:

Can you tell that More Than Anything is my favorite Hazbin song?
Next Chapter: Eda ruminates on life and meets with her sister.

Chapter 13: To growing up!

Summary:

Eda Clawthorne has an important talk with Luz, and then an important talk with her sister.

Notes:

I know weve taken a bit of a detour away from the main couple a bit lately, but it was worth it to set up a future idea in this chapter.
Gotta admit I like writing Eda, she's a fun character. Gonna have to write her pre-epilogue self one day.
Oh, and btw: there are now two fanfics inspired by this one. Do you know how happy that makes me? I am ecstatic! One of them is by an author who I bookmarked a story from and read religiously when it was being updated, and the other is by a first time author who was inspired to write their first fic based off of this. I have no words other than: thankyouthankyouthankyou
Go check them out below in the Links section
Edit: accidentally confused Liliths palisman with her moms. She would be so disappointed in me

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As afternoon turned to evening, Eda Clawthorne, headmistress of the University of Wild Magic, carefully waited for her sister.

The mature and bushy haired witch carefully nursed a mug of Apple Blood in her good hand, hook tapping against the grain of the railing. Apple Blood was her drink of choice most days, though she'd certainly cut back on overindulging compared to before.

Maturity and responsibility had come to her late, but they'd come like a Gorenado. She'd cut back on the hard liqueurs after kidnapping/adopting King from that damn island, cut back on scams and law-breaking once Luz came into her life, and now that she was running her own school, she'd even cut back on Apple Blood of all things. Apple Blood! It was basically fermented blood from a slain apple with the kick of a Snaggleback, which was to say almost none. Oh, if you drank enough you'd get drunk off your ass, but she… she didn't do that anymore.

Eda frowned into her drink as she considered that.

Once, she was the Owl Lady: The most feared witch on the Boiling Isles. She'd been a sneaky, conniving outlaw who stuck it to the Emperor and got away. She'd given up on a lot of her old dreams and aspirations thanks to her curse. As it worsened, she threw herself into living as she pleased no matter the consequences.

King had been her first wake up call, his first words having never left her. But even King hadn't been able to make her stop living like she did. She still flagrantly ignored almost every law, regularly assaulted members of the Emperor's Coven, and scammed the sh*t out of everyone and everything she could.

And then along came Luz Noceda, a plucky young teen wanting to do the impossible and be the first human witch. It was never going to happen, but Eda let her stay and learn anyway.

The why of it was hotly debated amongst the people of the isles. To some, Eda sensed the destiny that Luz would enact and took the human under her metaphorical (sometimes literal) wing. To others, Luz was secretly the daughter of the Titan themself, or that Eda had sensed the Titan's will that day. Some even speculated that Luz was secretly the love child of Raine and Eda, sent off to the human realm to safeguard her against the Emperor agents, only to come back at the isles' greatest time of need!

Raine and her had laughed themselves silly at that last one.

The why of what made Eda take in Luz would be hotly debated until the Titan's bones rotted away and sank to the bottom of the ocean in a billion years. And the truth? Eda would take it to her grave.

She just didn't want to be alone anymore.

At that point in life, Eda had no one. She and Raine had broken up, her sister was off being "Little Miss Perfect" for the Emperor's Coven, her mom was being her mom, and her dad was still an agonizing reminder of her curse and its consequences. Even King, her lovely adopted son whom she was now raising alongside Raine, was more like a roommate back then than family.

So why not let a human enter her home? Why not try to teach a human the impossible? It wouldn't hurt anything, and at least she would have someone to talk to who wasn't Hooty.

And then somehow Luz turned all their lives upside down. She'd opened her heart, made her reconcile with her sister, with her mom, with her dad, with Raine, and made her realize that she was never really alone unless she let herself be.

Oh, and she destroyed the Emperor's Coven and helped kill Emperor dickhe*d. That was also important.

Eda smiled, swirling her Apple Blood as she stared off into the distance. Life hadn't been kind to her, but as a whole, it wasn't hadn't been too bad either. Now here she stood, in the high hall of her own personal office as headmistress of her own academy. She was married to the love of her life, had two different kinda-sorta adopted kids, and couldn't ask for more.

Suddenly, the door to her office was kicked open, Luz sweeping in with Stringbean close behind.

"Eda! I need to ask you something!"

Well, I could always ask to ruminate in peace, Eda supposed before quickly downing her mug and slamming it on the railing. She turned around and made her way over to the massive oaken desk. It was a heavy, ornate thing that wasn't her vibe, but it'd been a gift from Alador after everything. So she accepted it with only mild complaining.

She rocked back in her swivel chair, kicked her feet up on the desk, and leveled her best "Stern Teacher Look" at her kid, "Luz, I love ya, but you gotta stop kicking down my door."

Luz rubbed the back of her head with a grimace. She laughed, looking back awkwardly at the door.

"Okay, I'm sorry about that," She then perked up and slammed both hands against the desk, her eyes alight, "But this is serious!" Eda found herself leaning forward, thinking Boots (she mentally reminded herself to find an appropriate apology for blabbering about the proposal) had come by with some new adventure or ruin to explore on one of their "Action-Dates". Luz breathed in and out, gathering herself, before finally looking Eda in her mismatched eyes, "My mom texted me that her and Lucius' date is in three days, so I was wondering if you and Raine-"

"Let me stop you right there." Eda cut in, a bit disappointed all the seriousness was over something so silly, "I don't double-date. and I certainly don't spy while double-dating."

"But Eda-" Luz groaned, Stringbean morphing into a cute puppy on her shoulder, staring at Eda with big, wet eyes.

Eda was entirely unmoved.

"Look Luz, sometimes you gotta let things happen," She explained carefully, mind rushing on how to explain her point when a stroke of brilliance hit her. She beamed, stood up, and put her good arm around Luz while her hook was thrust into the distance to help explain.

"Take me for example: Once, while I was going under Marilyn, I went to one of your human cities, Vegas or something, and lost it all gambling. Woulda left in shame had I not fallen in with some guy named Stan," Eda laughed to herself at the memory. He'd been handsome and she'd been lonely, so they'd hit it off. Oh, he was a shameless con artist, but so was she, so they had something in common.

"Was into older guys back then so we got drunk, then married, then we pretty much scammed an entire casino out of money. It was the best six hours I ever had in the human world!" Then she frowned, "I think we technically divorced when I stole his car, and he retaliated by stealing all the money. Jokes on him though! The cops chased after him instead of me." She sighed, "I still miss that car sometimes…"

"... Okay, I haveseveralburning questions now, but those can wait!" Luz started pacing back and forth, her expression still determined, "I'm more than happy that Mom found someone after all this time. She deserves to be happy." She nodded to herself, Stringbean curling around her arm comfortingly, "And I'll protect and support her no matter what, but… but if he isn't what he appears to be, shouldn't we do something?"

Eda sighed as she leaned back against the desk, looking down at Luz. Titan, sometimes it felt like just yesterday she was discovering the Light Glyph, sending dozens of little orbs of pure light across the room after a terrible night full of curse weirdness. And now here she was, victorious over Ol' Bellend and his band of cultist crazies and the savior of the Boiling Isles.

Where did all that time go?

No matter how old she got though, it was good to know Luz would always be the pure-hearted girl she was when they met. Beating up bad guys and discovering long-lost magical arts one day, worrying about her mom's new boyfriend the next. It made Eda want to reach out and ruffle her hair all maternally like a big sucker.

So she did.

"Eda!" Luz complained, fighting away her good hand as Stringbean laughed at her witch, "I'm trying to be serious here!" She almost continued when she saw the melancholic look on her face, "Eda?"

"Hmm?"

"How much Apple Blood have you had?" Luz asked, crossing her arms and looking disappointed.

She drew herself up, "I'll have you know that I've only drank one mug full of Apple Blood, thank you very much."

Luz looked unimpressed, "And how many times did you 'refill' that one mug?"

"... I don't see what that has to do with anything." Before Luz and her Palisman could look more disappointed, Eda waved them away with her hook, "Look, kiddo, I'm not going to spy on your mom for you." Luz looked conflicted, prompting Eda to sigh, "Listen, I can't relate to what you're going through, but I can say that your mom's a fighter. I mean, sh*t, she followed you here and faced down an apocalypse with you!"

Luz smiled wistfully, "She did, yeah…"

"I know you're worried about her, but you gotta let her make her own decisions. Even bad ones." Before Luz could complain again, Eda cut her off, "From what Masha and Vee told me, whatever Lucius is, he seems to be a massive dork in love. So, I'm pretty happy leaving this up to Cam."

Luz just sighed and smiled, "He did do a little dance when Mom told him she wanted to go on a third date."

Eda snorted, the mental image was still funny even after Vee and Masha filled her in on all the details. Oh, for sure, she'd been a bit worried too when she first heard Cam was dating again. But the more Vee and Masha explained, the more it seemed like he was kind of harmless overall; Just a massive dork trying to find love again. And sometimes, what you saw was apparently what you got.

The nervous energy seemed to bleed out of Luz, her shoulders sagging as she smiled gratefully, "Thanks Eda."

And then Luz rushed up and hugged her.

Titan, she'd been so utterly confused the first time Luz did this, but it'd certainly grown on her. Eda smiled and hugged her back with her good arm, making sure not to scar Luz with her hook hand. She'd had lots of practice by now, since hugging with a blade for a hand was hard when you didn't want to hurt someone.

… maybe Lily was right about the hook being impractical, Eda wondered, but decided she could deal with it. The hook was cool as sh*t, she wasn't giving it up. "Alright kid, that's enough," She pushed her apprentice/daughter away and laughed, "I have a meeting with Lily in a few minutes, so best be off with you."

Luz smirked, "What, you aren't curious about Mr. Magne?"

"Yeah, I am." Luz blinked and she started waving her off. "But I also probably won't meet him anytime soon so it's no big deal."

Luz opened her mouth, paused, and then smirked mischievously at her as she sang, "~There's a betting pool.~"

… Titan damn it."Put me down five hundred for'Weregiraffe.'"

Luz paused, "You mean like a werewolf?"

"... what's a werewolf?"

"What's a weregiraffe?"

"The main subject of a trashy romance series. Sold out back in its heyday. I remember a bunch of teenagers fighting over being 'Team Romulus' or 'Team Vlad'," Eda leaned in and chuckled evilly, "Fun fact: Lily was obsessed with them."

Luz actually gasped, mock horror in her eyes, "Cool Auntie Lilith was aTwilightfan!?"

Eda blinked, "Actually it was calledMidnight, and-" She sighed and shook her head, "Anyway, Lils and I are gonna talk about another research adventure for you brats, so I'm gonna need you to go back to getting more people in on the betting pool. I'll be even richer when I win."

"I'd rather not spread my mom's personal life outside my friend group just so you can make a few snails," Luz looked disappointed again before finally moving away, "I do have something to do with Amity, so I'll head out and leave you alone."

She disappeared from the room, and thus, Eda was left alone once more.

The Headmistress leaned back against the desk, lost in thought. Raine was off leading the isles' new government and would be bogged down in meetings until sunrise. Rebuilding the Isles into a new and free society after being ruled by a totalitarian megalomaniac with a f*cked up savior complex was hard.

It also meant that the few times she and Raine had off together were spent sleeping and cuddling. No energy for anything else when running an entire academic system and government respectively kept you wrung out. When was the last time she and Raine just had time for themselves? No isles, no students, no apprentices, nothing to keep them apart? She couldn't remember-

Actually, wait, she could remember. The last time they had any free time together was the King-ceneara… two years ago now.

That was inexcusable. She swore then and there that she was going to take Raine on a nice date, far away from their duties and responsibilities, or die trying. Screw it, she'd go back to her wild days and stage a fake kidnapping just to get Raine away for a single evening. Of course, that asked the question of 'Where could you take Raine that the isles won't follow?'

sh*t, she would have to think outside the bo-

"I don't double-date. And I certainly don't spy while double dating."

Maybe a double date wouldn't be the worst thing…

Eda thought. The human realm was far away, didn't have any reminders of the isles, and would be worry free as far as Raine was concerned. She could take her spouse on a nice date, maybe tag along with Cam and… Lucius.

She groaned and slumped. Luz would never let her hear the end of this if she went through with it. But screw it, Raine was worth some teasing. Before she could talk herself out of it or figure out something else, a familiar brown owl Palisman flew in through the window and landed on her shoulder, nuzzling the side of her face with his own.

"Hey buddy," Eda cooed as she scratched the top of Owlbert's little head.

"Hello sister," the familiar voice chimed as she flew in.

"Lily!"

Lilith Clawthorne was aging gracefully, having avoided the rapid aging brought on by the curse, mostly by virtue of the alliance she made with the Beast not long after taking it on. She still had mostly bright, curly orange hair with wicked looking gray streaks, and her blue coat looked good on her.Veryprofessional.

Honestly, Eda liked her more now that she was no longer dressing as either a cultist with a stick up her ass or a depressed hobo like the final year of Belos' reign. She also just liked having her sister back after…everything.

Lilith jumped off of Barnabas, her dopey looking raven Palisman, and caught her in a bone-crushing hug, "It's so good to see you again, Edalyn!"

"We saw each other last week," Eda said, to which her once prissy and perfect sister rolled her mismatched eyes.

"Yes, but I do enjoy these cross academic talks of ours," Lilith beamed, "When you mentioned wanting to send out another group of students on a ruin hunt, I gathered as much material as possible and rushed over as fast as I-"

Eda placed both her hand and hook on Lilith's shoulders, "Lily, Lily!Breathe."

"Oh! Sorry Edalyn," Lilith thankfully began breathing, no longer trying to force out so many words at once. The curator of the supernatural Museum of History brushed her coat down before beaming again, "I just… youknowhow excited I get about history."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Eda smiled and bumped Lilith's shoulder, "Still the same ol' nerd, huh?"

Lilith smiled, "I can't help that I've found my passion."

"Nerd."

"You're one to talk, Edalyn," Lilith smirked, "Oh, I'm sorry,HeadmistressEdalyn."

Eda groaned in despair, walking over to the fridge to refill her mug, "Don't remind me. You know how hard it is to teach Glyph-Making when your son is the only one who can make them by proximity so far?"

She offered a glass of Apple Blood to Lilith, who took it gratefully, "You seem to be doing well so far from what I've heard."

"And would anyone say anything if I wasn't?" Eda plopped back down in her chair and drank. The sweet yet spiced flavor was a familiar friend. "I literally stomped Belos' head in with my boot," she said, "Who the f*ck would call me out for screwing up a class or two?"

"Raine also helped stomp Belos' head in, and they get called out all the time," Lilith explained, "Every time they try to make even the slightest change to society, they get called the second coming of Belos. Even if it's beneficial for all," she paused and shook her head, "Actually,especiallyif it's beneficial for all."

Eda groaned, "Politics, Lily. Not even once."

Lilith shrugged, sipping her own drink, "I'm just saying it happens more often than you think. You're a great teacher, Edalyn. You taught Luz after all."

She smiled, "That I did, Lils. That I did."

The two sisters sat in comfortable silence while Barnabas and Owlbert, both in the corner, spoke to each other in the Palismen language. Eda couldn't tell what they were saying, though it involved lots of wing movements. Staring down at her drink for a moment, Eda asked, "Hey, Lils?"

"Hmm?"

Eda paused, swallowed, and then barreled forth, "Do you ever wonder what our younger selves would think of us?"

Lilith choked on her Apple Blood, wiping at her mouth furiously. "Wha-what brought that on?"

She shrugged, "Just something I've been thinking of lately is all."

Lilith looked at her oddly before falling into contemplation, her brow furrowed. A dark and pained glimmer passed through her eyes before she shook her head, "I… I think that though she would hate the path it took to get here, she would ultimately be proud of me." She stared at the ceiling, "I didawful things. Things I can never make up for. But ultimately, here I am trying to do right by the world. I think, Edalyn, she'd be happy with what I am now." She faced her younger sister, "What about you?"

Eda thought for a second, "She'd be disappointed I wasn't a professional grudgby superstar."

Lilith gave her the side eye, "I bare my soul andthat'swhat you respond with?"

She sighed at her sister's glare before relenting, "I think… I think she'd be happy with me too."

Silence fell as they both thought about the past.

"Seriously, Edalyn," Lilith's gaze grew concerned, "What brought that on?"

"Just comparing who I was under Belos to now," She smirked as they both looked at the old wanted poster, once plastered across every town and denoting her as the most dangerous criminal who ever lived.

Lilith looked even more concerned, "Eda, I don't think about who I was under Belosat all. We both know I was horrible as one of his enforcers."

"You don't miss chasing after me at all?"

"Edalyn!"

She held up hand and hook in surrender, "Sorry Lily. I'm just… reminiscing." She stared at the poster longingly, "Just thinking about how I grew up."

Lilith paused, her head co*cking to the side. She stared at her sister like a puzzle that needed solving, "... you grew up?"

"Yeah, I grew up." She spread her arms wide, her smile bright, "Now I'm all responsible and crap, have a steady job and everything. I'm basically raising endless generations of apprentices on how to be free and wild like magic," she nodded proudly, "I grew up."

Lilith blinked before she started laughing. The fiery haired witch was full of such mirth that it was infectious. Seconds later, Eda joined Lilith in her laughter, sharing joy in their hearts and souls.

"To growing up!" Eda cried out, raising her mug to the air.

Lilith matched her with a smile, "To growing up."

The two sisters toasted and laughed, and all was well.

Notes:

Oh you better believe date number four is a Double-date with Raeda. That's what its all been about babee!!!!!
And now that that chapter is out of the way, we can get back to Lucifer/Camila. I like the Boiling Isles but I want to see my cracky blorbos again
Next Chapter: Lucifer takes Camila out on a nice date where nothing bad happens. No, really.

Chapter 14: Of Royals and Apple Tarts

Summary:

Lucifer looks at how the realm is run, gets confused by all the shouting, casually upends the social hierarchy with a few words, and then leaves to have a picnic date with Camila

Notes:

So this was going to be the picnic date but i ended up writing more about Infernal Politics and sneaking in some more worldbuilding while im at it. I made another lore connection between the two shows again. Meanwhile, the Goetia's are Hellborn Demons just like the Seraphs are Heavenborn Angels. This is based off of the fact both are birds. You ever notice how Heaven and Hell both like birds? Sera is a giant bird, Stolas is a giant bird, Stella, Andrealphus, that one dude on the Heavenly Council... birbs everywhere.
Anyway, setting up some future chapters in this and the next one so expect the lovely picnic date to go off without a hitch.
Also, i feel like i should TW: Stella and her abusiveness in this one. its pretty brief overall but i want to be respectful to my readers.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the halls of Envy, a somewhat important gathering was taking place.

A colossal crystalline structure spread out across a wide plain of snow and ice. Great spires reached the skies, gemstones the size of city blocks carved into halls that could house thousands. It was opulence and splendor taken to its logical limit.

Nothing less would satisfy the Ars Goetia's collective ego. Those bickering families of powerful and power-hungry Hellborn had splintered into 72 royal houses, all upholding the sovereignty and regality of Hell itself. And all of them bickered, schemed, warred, plotted, and terrorized one another for thousands upon thousands of years.

Though not immortal, they were extremely long lived and hard to kill. Most would die simply of old age or illness but there were a chosen few who did not. And then there were those who died under "mysterious" circ*mstances like 'How did an angelic knife find its way into your chest when the only other person home is your only heir and beneficiary of your estate?'

When one was as close to immortal as possible, politics tended to get a bitmessy. And thus, within the crystalline structure of Envy was the Royal Convocation. It was the seat to the only neutral ground Goetia families would ever recognize.

Here was where Gremory, current head of the Convocation, would hold court as the families discussed the politics and structure of Hell. Many arguments and eternal blood feuds had been born here, though as it was neutral ground, none would ever openly attack. Anything less than outright murder was acceptable, from tossed thrones to broken tables. Fist and magic fights to curses and hexes. Here was where the families aired out grudges from a…questionablysafe distance.

Inside a glittering diamond the size of a school was a pentagram shaped room. Several layers on four sides of the pentagram rose up, rows of tables and thrones for the Goetia nobles aligned. At the head stood a tall court table with a throne at the apex of it, and slightly beneath that throne was another of ostentatious grandeur that stood above the gathered Goetia. All while imp clerks scurried about and collected paperwork, cleaning up after their masters. The unendingly busy staff tried their best to make sure everything was spotless and clean for the demonic royalty.

However, for the first time since its founding, the Royal Convocation was almost silent. 72 lords, ladies, and nonbinary nobles awkwardly looked at one another, waiting for someone to break the silence.

Stolas, current head of House Stolas since his father's passing, tapped his fingers on the glittering gemstone table as he glanced at his ex-wife across the circular room. Stella, ever the vicious and abuser, simply relegated herself to glaring hatefully at him with her beak shut tight. Andrealphus preened next to her and leaned over, opening his beak to most likely throw out some back-handed compliment-

~tap tap tap~

Andrealphus closed his beak quietly and glanced fearfully at the cause of all the fuss.

Gremory, the fiery feathered demoness and head of the Convocation by internal election, was chugging wine with shaky hands like she was dehydrated, causing her midnight black dress to gain more than a few wine stains. She tried her best not to look behind or above her. If she did, she'd witness the black iron throne, high backed and free of any gilding or gemstone lining like all the others. And seated atop it was the King of Hell himself.

Lucifer Morningstar, it seemed, was getting out of his long depression. Seven years of silence (and centuries of spontaneous appearances before) had given the Fallen One an almost cavalier persona. He showed up, rambled about ducks or making things, and then disappeared for a year. The only time the average demon would even see him was during his yearly Sinmas Fireside Chat where he would address the state of Hell, his plans for the future, and then gush about his wife and child for an hour straight. Of course, that ended almost a decade ago when a bunch of lawyers from Greed announced the Queen had hired them for divorce proceedings. Nobody saw either hide or hair of the king since.

For reasons nobody could figure out, he'd decided to attend his first meeting of the Convocation in centuries. He sat in his black iron throne, garbed in a regal white suit with his top hat/crown and looking down upon them. Or at least, that was the plan.

In truth, before anyone could say anything, King Lucifer had gotten a text on his hellphone and promptly ignored them all for about half an hour. Stolas didn't know who he was texting, none of them did. But based on the childish giggling and dopey smile on the king's face, he had a good guess.

He'd felt the same whenever Blitzy- no, Blitz, whenever Blitz would text him.

He carefully side-stepped the enormous can of worms that was his relationship (or lack-thereof) with Blitz and focused on the king. He could cry about how enormously he'd screwed everything up with the only person to care about him outside of his daughter later.

~tap tap tap~

The king kept texting, a happy smile on his face as his fingers flew over the phone like crazy.

Stolas wondered what sordid, salacious things the king and his paramour were texting one another.

**********
'So why did the duck go to the chiropractor?'

'Please stop, I can't keep laughing like this.'

'To get his back quacked!'

'My daughters would say Im supposed to do a Keyboard Smash now but I'll just say that you caused me to spill my coffee you incorrigible man.'

'I'm glad I can make you laugh like this.'

'Oh really? I have one for you then: What time do ducks get up?'

'?'

'The quack of dawn!'

**********
The king nearly fell over, giggling to himself as the royals looked to one another in confusion. He guffawed so loudly it echoed throughout the hall, bouncing off the walls and causing all in Envy to hear. Only when the laughter died down did the silence continue to the point that it was almost physical. It was so painful and all-consuming that something had to give.

"Um, your majesty?"

Every eye in the hall focused on the one who dared to talk to the king. Andrealphus was shocked while Stella looked like Sinmas had come early. Even the silence breaker was horrified with what he'd done, but he pressed on.

"What the f*ck are you doing?" Murmur, the midnight black co*ckatoo demon with a colossal head crest, hissed next to the king. Gremory looked at him like he'd lost his mind while several other Goetia were ready to either bolt or start carving up his territory and holdings right then and there.

"Hmm?" Lucifer looked up from his phone and scanned the Convocation, "Someone say something?"

Stolas was shaking, feathers puffing out as every last one of his long-underused fight or flight responses went into overdrive. If he said nothing, maybe he could-

"My darling ex-husband wanted your attention, your majesty," Stella was preening, malicious joy in her eyes as she waved a hand in his direction. Andrealphus looked both impressed and horrified by his sister's actions. When Lucifer looked at Stolas, a noise like a dying frog escaped his throat. The king raised an eyebrow and Stolas did what he did best: Talk out of his ass.

"Well, your majesty," Stolas tugged at his collar, sweat running down his feathers. His eyes shifted for anyone willing to help him, but every last noble representative was perfectly ready and more than willing to watch him flounder and fail. He was alone. "It's just…" he coughed, "Ah, well, that is to say, we have a schedule to keep?"

Silence descended once more as the Convocation stared at him like he was mad. He certainly felt as insane as his great-grandfather Amdusias. First, he interrupts the King of Hell typing to his paramour and the next thing you know he's being quietly put into an asylum in Sloth. He'd be left to rot and ramble inanely about large skeletons and cavepeople. As Lucifer blinked, Stolas tried to sink into the surface of this throne to escape-

"Oh, you're right!" The king looked a little embarrassed, scratching the side of his face, "Sorry everyone! Was so busy text- I mean, talking to one of my under-no, won't call her that. Er, I was talking to… someone. Yes! I was talking to someone and lost track of the time."

Why, exactly, the king was so willing to hide who he was dating was suspicious to the Convocation. Was his paramour one of their rivals? A minor house? Was that one sinner who hijacked an entire Voxnet channel for an hour to talk about Lucifer/Belphegor right and the king was dating one of his brethren from the Fall? The only ones not focusing on the relationship drama were Stolas himself, too busy wiping the sweat away in relief, and Gremory, who began to pound her gavel against the high-top table.

"Let the Royal Convocation of the Ars Goetia commence! First on the docket…" Gremory gathered her notes and, with six eyes, peered down her beak at them, "The resolution to finally disassemble the Malphas estates. Barbatos, you have the floor."

Stolas was continuously amazed at how well behaved and respectful the entire Convocation was today. Usually, arguments and infighting would've broken out by now, yet nobody was willing to start one in front of the king. His ex-wife would've sent a few smug insults his way about how she was currently winning the custody battle. Or that he'd never see Octavia again because he was, in her words, "Clearly unfit to be a parent due to his proclivities with the lower class."

It was bullsh*t. His relationship with Blitz was being used as a weapon against him and he could do nothing because… because, at the end of the day, he had prioritized his relationship over his family. Stella had driven him into the arms of an imp and he'd tried to keep everything together. Instead, it'd all fallen apart so fast.

The Asmodean crystal he had would at least salvage something out of the burning trash fire that was Blitz and his relationship. Despite that, he was growing more and more terrified that his little owlet would be taken away forever. The Convocation was on Stella's side, the infernal news media was on Stella's side, everyone was on her side. And if Stella brought it up today (which he knew she would), he knew the king would be on her side because life wasunfair.

He glanced at Stella out of the corner of his eyes and saw her glaring daggers at him with utter hate. She'd always been cruel and sad*stic, but now that he'd essentially humiliated her in front of Hell, she'd thrown herself into destroying him.

And she waswinning.

Stolas shook his head, knowing the vultures would descend if he spared it another thought. He could at least pretend to listen to Barbatos and his latest unsuccessful attempt to swallow up the Malphas estates.

"-been gone for a full century, it is time to face the facts: He died up there and will never be seen again," Barbatos, a bald headed vulture with a quite large peaco*ck like tail, made his latest case, "I ask of you, would it not be better to swallow up his lands and estates now rather than wait an eternity for a dead demon to return?"

Muttering and agreements rang out, representatives nodding to each other. This was how things usually went: Barbatos would make his case, the Convocation would agree-

"And like every time you bring it up, I must ask: Who gets his estates?" Gremory stared down the gulping vulture demon. He scratched at his neck, looked about the room, and sighed.

"I would, my lady."

Discontent rang out as the representatives all began to argue why they, and only they, should get Malphas' possessions.

-and then the Convocation would get bogged down trying to figure out who got what.

It was old hat by now and something Stolas tried to avoid. He didn't want Malphas' old stuff. He'd never even met the demon! Oh, Stella had argued ceaselessly about why she wanted a new castle and why it should be Malphas' back when they were married, but he didn't care. Not when the Convocation failed to find a solution.

Zagan and Vine looked ready to come to blows, Belial was shouting about how Barbatos was "An imp loving fool!" and Astaroth was declaring how he was half ready to tear up the Book of Damnation itself.

At least things are peaceful this time, Stolas rested his head in his hands and groaned in annoyance.

"Is it always this exciting?" The confused voice cast an immediate lull in the infighting as everyone froze at the sound of the king's question. Gremory, embarrassed fury on her face, craned her neck up to look at the king, who was currently leaning down and stage whispering to her.

"It, er, is usually more peaceful, your majesty."

"It looks fun!" He laughed a bit, nervously casting his red eyes about the room, "I mean, it's all just for show, right?"

The nobles all carefully and immediately pretended to be friends, shaking hands and laughing fakely with those they'd been ready to kill not even seconds ago. It wouldn't do if they appeared lesser in the eyes of the king.

Stella, having not engaged with any of the infighting, simply kept glaring at Stolas like he was a bug she found on the bottom of her talons. He awkwardly scratched at the side of his face again, unsure how to respond with Lucifer watching their every move.

"What's next?" The king glanced at everyone, causing several Goetia to flinch and look away. Unfortunately, Stolas didn't look away fast enough as Lucifer looked him in the eyes, "You there! Do you have anything to bring before the Convocation?"

Stolas had several things to bring before the Convocation, but right now he couldn't think of any. He was too busy trying not to die from stage fright before everyone's eyes. "Well…" He began lamely, his gaze anywhere but at Lucifer, "I… ah, it is time… time to… er…"

"Time to…?" Lucifer looked confused, the Convocation looked furious, and Stella looked gleeful as Stolas floundered before the king. Before he could try to save himself, Lucifer looked up and gasped, "Oh my golly! Is that really the time?" He saw the eternal clockwork timekeeper on the wall, the many gears and springs making sure all 24 hours of the Earth Day were kept up to date. The king rocketed to his feet and rushed about, gathering his things, "I completely forgot about my plans today! What kind of boyfriend am I? I was going to take her on a lovely picnic and here I am wasting all of your valuable time-"

The king blinked worriedly as he looked down at Stolas and asked, "You don't think it's too early to be calling myself a boyfriend, do you?"

Every head in the hall turned to him. Once more, Stolas wanted to sink into the floor, "Er… no?"

"Is that… is that a question?"

His long neck retracted into himself, dying noises escaping, "No?"

Lucifer blinked before a happy smile crossed his face, "Ah, that's alright then! Thanks for the help… er-"

"Stolas, your majesty," He slowly eased himself up onto his throne once more, feeling the immediate danger pass.

"Stolas then," And suddenly, the king was now in front of him and shaking his hand, "By golly, I do appreciate you helping me out with that and reminding me of the time. I truly hope you have a wonderful rest of the day."

"He was going to run off and meet his imp boytoy, your majesty." Stella supplied helpfully, false sorrow in her voice as she waited for the king to recoil in disgust-

"That's pretty cool. I hope things work out for you."

Stolas' beak fell open, and his wasn't the only one. Every Goetia was staring at either him or the king in open, unbridled shock. He actually rose up and tried to look proud, "You mean that?"

"Of course! Love is love, so I'm happy you found it with someone," Lucifer looked thoughtful and then rushed to the center of the hall, pounding his chest with a fist, "Also, it is my duty as King of Hell to inform you all that I hereby give my full and explicit approval to the union of Asmodeus and Fizzarolli the Imp." Then he opened a portal behind himself, smirking as he fell backwards into it, "Byeee!"

The portal closed… and chaos fell almost immediately.

"It's the end times! The Sinners were right, Armageddon is real!"

"My servants! They'll getideasnow!"

"You mean to tell me I went through all the trouble of hiding my relations with an imp for f*ckingnothing!?"

"Society is breaking down! Imps will rule us all soon!"

The Ars Goetia fell into panic and discord as they all but rioted. Their magic went haywire as the nobles reacted to a lowborn demon rising through ranks with wild pandaemonium. The imp clerks, normally willing to clean up after their masters, were too busy celebrating Fizzarolli's success in bagging one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

"Order! I say, I say order!" Gremory called, her crimson feathers puffing up in annoyance and rage as she all but flew hexes at everyone, "Sit the hell down, all of you!"

Stolas focused on none of this, his gaze solely on his shell-shocked ex-wife. Even now, she looked to be having trouble comprehending what she'd just heard. He preened, his every movement a prideful strut as he leaned over and planted both hands on the side of her desk.

"I'd like to renegotiate how much alimony you get…andhow much time I get to spend with 'Via going forward."

Stella shook herself out of it and glared, "Like I'm going to let you spend a moment with my daughter, you limp-dick piece of sh*t!"

"She's my daughter too, and since the king just blew away your entire basis for keeping her from me…" Stolas took sad*stic pleasure in watching the woman who'd abused him for decades falter, and even more from the fact that he'd be able to spend time with his little owlet again, "I'm thinking, based on the fact that he just approved of my relationship… half and half?"

"90/10 and you can choke on a dick!" Stella shrieked as she rose up and pressed her face into his. Normally he'd have backed down, but he was riding high on pure adrenaline. For the first time since his affair had begun, he saw a future for both Blitz and Octavia in his life.

"Half and half and if you refuse I'll go for full custody. You can have her every other week just like I will, or never again," He glared, "You abused me, berated me, and treated me like garbage our entire marriage. The only reason I'm willing to let you have her at all is because you never raised a hand to her… only me."

"The trial is basically over," She hissed, her voice like honey coated poison, "I'm close to winning already-"

"Except you were more obsessed with hurting me than winning," Stolas' true form began to leak out, his feathers going dark and eyes glowing red, "Except now you have nothing to wield against me. Iwillhave my daughter back in my life and there's not asingle damned thing you can do to me now."

"If you think this changes anything-"

"It changeseverything!"

"f*ck you, Stolas!"

"Drop dead,Stella!"

As the custody battle reignited, Andrealphus sighed, wondering if he should just disappear to the human realm and die like Malphas did.
**********
Gravesfield was such a contrast from Hell that Lucifer never wanted to leave.

He hated his kingdom, and he hated his Ring, but he was sort of bound to them by the right of screwing up more than anyone else in all existence. It was his penance to rule Hell, even if ruling it was awkward and uncomfortable knowing what it was… or had been, before everything.

And yet as he got out of the portal behind a couple of trees to hide from pesky humans, Lucifer found it pleasant here. The greenery looked pretty and smelled nice, the flowers weren't fanged mouths hungry to feed on flesh and blood, and the trees didn't wail in endless pain and agony. If he could, he'd stay here forever.

The park had been picked out by Camila. It was a simple, square shaped one near the edge of town. A nice path ran around it with trees on each corner and benches were evenly spaced for easy access. As he looked across the street from the copse he was in, he found it to be nice.

He skipped, actually skipped, his way across the empty street and carefully began to lay out a special blanket: Blood red velvet thread with a black pentagram carved into it, the royal symbol of the Morningstar Dynasty bare for all to see. He'd made sure it was free of any runes or sigils like the official seal would have, leaving a simple blanket with a black pentagram and nothing more. Sitting down and waiting for her to arrive, he set down his picnic basket, laden with human-safe foods (like grilled cheeses and grapes) that they could both eat. With a sigh, he brought out an apple tart.

Apples were about the only human food he could work with. One last sick joke by the universe; making it so the one food he hated more than anything else in existence was both the only thing he could work with and feed Camila.

He arranged his food on little plates and began the waiting game.

The park was full of people, all out and about as they enjoyed the spring air. An elderly couple sat together and fed some non-ducks with bird seed while a group of teens walked and talked around the path. Non-ducks flocked into a tree and began trilling out bird songs, and across the street, a church began tolling its bell.

Lucifer carefully ignored both the church and the bell. It wouldn't do if he got annoyed about Father's newest specialist boy. Before he could fall into the depressive spiral of thinking about Father, however, a maroon car parked, and a familiar woman got out.

Lucifer perked up while his heart raced. He smiled goofily and waved to which Camila, a bottle of wine in her hands, responded in kind. She was clad in a simple white blouse and some jeans, but she looked extremely pretty.

Then again, she was pretty every time he'd seen her, so it tracked.

"I have to admit," She arrived and sat down on the blanket, an odd glance thrown at it, "I'm glad you showed up after what happened last time."

"What, that weirdo? Like he could make me lose interest," Lucifer attempted to be suave and was rewarded with a blush and a smile.Thank you, Ozzie, He reminded himself to give Ozzie a rubber duck as thanks for the tips on compliments that weren't weird and cringey.

"Ay dios-you absolute rapscallion!"

He grinned and leaned back against the blanket, "Took me a bit to get everything ready, but I got us some nice food."

"Oh, some fresh grapes! They look lovely and-is that a tart?"

He may have hated apples and the fact they were in there, but he wouldn't say no to some light boasting, "It is indeed. Baked it myself for this occasion."

It was thick and crunchy, tanned on top and with a weave patterned baked into the crust. The spiced apples within were still moist and delicious… hopefully. If they weren't he was out of options. He hadn't made a tart in years, not since Charlie was a small child and he and Lilith were still happy.

He hoped he wasn't rusty.

She smiled at him, "It looks delicious, you did a good job."

"Thanks! I haven't baked in a while, but I thought this would be a good opportunity."

"You really didn't have to go all out though."

Lucifer looked her in the eyes, "I think you deserve all my effort, though."

Aha,therewas the adorable ear tuck he had been looking for! She giggled to herself and uncorked the wine bottle, fishing out two simple glasses from her purse. He smirked and she responded by flicking some wine at his face.

"Feels like ages since I've been to this park," Camila said as she poured, "Usually people go to the main square but… well, I don't like the statues, so I've been avoiding them."

"What're the statues of? Some eye-searing art piece by a hack?" Oh, Hell was full of those and every last artist who made them was some rich prick who spent his time on Earth bullying others. Lucifer didn't miss the Renaissance, but he did miss the artists. Sure, they might've been assholes, but they at least tended to make him some muscle-bound adonis who tempted people to the dark side with his stunning good looks.

He was the Sin of Pride, sue him.

Cam rolled her eyes, "Just some old witch hunter and his brother. The witch hunter seems like a real asshole, so I avoid it. Especially since Lu-I mean, some random person I don't know keeps defacing the statue with her-their friends."

He stared and she offered a shaky smile.

"Well, I'd rather not have a picnic underneath a witch hunter if it's all the same to you," Lucifer got out one of his grilled cheeses and offered it, "I'm trying to keep this low key and simple after the café."

"No one can crash through a window if there are no windows, true. Although we're in a public park so it also means no kisses for you," She said with a sly smile and he responded by pouting, causing her to laugh.

"Here's to a lovely picnic." Camila raised her glass, Lucifer mirroring her.

"To a lovely picnic indeed."

Together, they toasted their glasses and began to dig in.

Notes:

Lucifer: Wants to rule the realm better now that he's no longer depressed
Also Lucifer: Spends half the time texting his crush like a sap
Next Chapter: The Picnic goes off without any problems whatsoever. No sirree, none at all. Not a single one.

Chapter 15: This sure is a lovely picnic

Summary:

Camila and Lucifer have a lovely picnic

Notes:

Im terribly sorry about not posting yesterday, theres no real reason for it, i just had a long Thursday evening so i didnt get any writing done in time and by the time i woke up it was past time i could do anything about it so i decided to just say screw it and release the chapter tomorrow... which is today.
Anyway, enjoy a lovely picnic as i both tease something cool, bring up Big J, and connect Lucifer and Camila in a neat way. Also, the ending has some new characters comign in

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The Saint James Catholic Church of Gravesfield was a simple stone building. Its basic bell tower stood above; gazebo out front in a nice, simple patch of garden that stretched all the way down to the church next door. And the overseer of Saint James was a middle aged, balding man named Father Lucas. His small nose held up thick black glasses as he traversed to his private office.

Morning Mass had gone off without a hitch, many turning out to hear the Good Word. Granted, Gravesfield was to Connecticut what Salem was to Massachusetts, but that didn't mean the town was in the devil's hands! Since the Civil War, Gravesfield had been a bastion of God, churches popping up left and right as people looked for divine salvation in the wake of earthly suffering.

When Lucas had moved to Gravesfield he'd taken to his task with gusto. This was a town with a long history of weirdness, and it would fall to him to try and stem that. He'd been counseled against taking the position, his colleagues back in Bridgeport warning him about the town supposedly being 'cursed.'

Cursed? Hah! Such nonsense.

Oh, for sure, the town had some bad apples like the devil child, Luz. An unfortunate girl, very unfortunate. He'd tried teaching her during Sunday School, but she was so obsessed with witchcraft and devilry. She often interrupted his classes to rave about them, getting to the point where he'd quietly, but firmly, asked the mother never to bring her back.

And then there's Hopkins, Lucas shook his head at the thought of that unfortunate man. The town was shocked that he'd given into his delusions and tried to attack someone, but for most, it'd only been a matter of time. Especially since Hopkins had been subject to rumors of being investigated by cops for illegal surveillance of others in town, only to somehow get locked in his own trap. People like that didn't stay in their lane very long, after all.

Though Lucas would never admit such out loud, he was quietly happy the annoying and insufferable man was imprisoned. He'd sought confession from a neighboring priest for thinking such, but to be fair, most people in town hated the man.

So Gravesfield had a few bad apples, that didn't make the town cursed like so many claimed. Personally, Lucas blamed the young person running the museum now, what with their investment in occult nonsense and devil worship. He'd tried to petition the town council to shut that place down, but never had enough signatures.

The youth of today were incredibly doomed.

Father Lucas sat down in his good chair, a plush and soft thing, and despaired at the state of the world. He didn't understand the youth and the more he saw, the less he wanted to. The devil walked among the people of today, whispering in their ears, with too many willing to listen. He wondered what poor soul was listening to the devil now, and what evil acts they were planning.

**********

"Oh! Look, Cam! That one looks like a dog!"

"Oh, it does."

Across the street from Saint James, Camila and Lucius were laying back on a lovely blanket, engaging in some cloud watching. The sun was bright and cheerful, the clouds big and fluffy, and the air was neither too hot nor too cold. All in all, it was a lovely day for a picnic.

Lucius, she'd found, could make a very mean apple tart. It was somehow both crunchy and fluffy at the same time, the apples inside oozing with deliciousness. She'd gone back for seconds, sue her. It was a nice tart and she was on a date.

They'd finished their meals when Lucius pointed out how one of the clouds looked like a duck. Personally, she still thought it looked like a swan, but that led to her pointing out other clouds. Now they just laid together and looked at the sky.

It was a lovely day indeed.

Camila remembered years ago, cloud watching with Manny. It was something they often did when bored and just wanted to enjoy life. Once, those memories would've caused a sharp, painful sting. But now? Now she was making new memories.

Right now, she was happy as could be.

Her head was resting against his shoulder. Together, they sat on the odd red blanket that looked like something out of an occult store. It was a nice blanket, though. Very nice and fluffy. She probably should've felt bad, laying on something clearly occult in nature literally within yards of a church, but she was having too much fun with her date to care.

"How did you get into Cosmic Frontier?" Lucius asked her suddenly and she blinked.

"What brought that on?"

"Just… just something I've been thinking of lately. My daughter- ah, well I brought her a box of her old books for her hotel and the Cosmic Frontier series was in there, so I've had it on my mind recently."

"My parents got me into it," She answered, thinking about her mama and papa. There were good times to be had with them. Many good times… didn't make up for how it ended, but it was what it was.

He looked at her and said nothing, just staring without judgment. She was grateful for that, she truly was.

"My father…" She blinked, a cloud that looked like two colliding hockey players passed them by overhead, "He'd read me the stories before bedtime, a whole chapter a night. It's actually how I learned to read if you believe it."

"Really?"

"Mhmm," Camila nodded, "I devoured the books like a drug. They were so fascinating to me. I always wanted to go to another world, meeting new species and civilizations."

In a way, she had. The Boiling Isles counted as another world, with Witch and Demonkind counting as new species. Amazing that her daughter was livingherchildhood dream. God above, she'd always be proud of her Luz.

"That's amazing, Cam," He shifted around a bit, "You… don't mind if I call you Cam, do you?"

She shook her head with a smile, "A few people call me that, actually. Though I need something for you if we're breaking out pet names already." Camila pretended to think about it before smiling. "How about… Lucy?"

Lucius began to chuckle to himself, mirth in his eyes, "That's actually what my friends call me, yeah." He looked at her warmly, "Like I told someone a week and a half ago: The best people call me Lucy."

What was it with this charming man and his silver tongue? Camila giggled, the mother of three pushing his arm in mock annoyance, "You must have a lot of friends if you're this smooth, huh?"

Silence met her. It went on longer than she expected, and she turned to him. He had an almost pained look on his face as he just stared at the clouds, drawing his knees up slightly.

"I… wasn't the best at making friends. Never have been, " Lucius admitted, rubbing the back of his head, "Oh I had Oz and the gang, but other than them I've always had trouble making connections. Like, the last time I tried it was with a… family friend of mine I suppose…"

**********

Thousands of years ago, through the deserts of Judea, a man walked through dunes and endless plains.

He was deeply bronze skinned and dark haired, a simple shawl over his thick black locks, threadbare robes over the rest of him. His body was slightly emaciated as he kept walking. For forty days and forty nights he'd fasted and kept to his faith and faith alone.

His name was Yeshua of Nazareth, son of Him On High. And one day he would be known as the King of Kings.

He was starving, he was dehydrated, and he was physically weak as he kept to his fasting and his walk… but his spirit? That was as indomitable as the mountains.

Yeshua would have been fine with this, would have been fine with his vigil and his place in the universe had it not been for the limpet currently clinging to his legs as he dragged them along.

"Please!" The black robed and extremely pale figure begged, "Just have one adventure with me!"

"Leave me alone, Lucifer."

"Look, you're doing this for dad and I get that! But I need more friends in my life and Mammon gave me some advice about how to influence people-"

"I said leave me alone, Lucifer."

"Friends like gifts! I could get you some gold-Oh, or we could go down to Rome and paint the town red! Have you ever seen Rome? They have the best little bakery this side of the world-"

Ah, bread again. Lucifer wasn't original in his tricks, "I told you before. You won't tempt me with your devil bread."

"You're literally starving right now!"

"It's necessary," And it was. He'd always known he was different, but after the baptism and the voice of God coming down to proclaim him the Son, he figured out that things would only get weirder from there.

But that was fine, he was a patient man. And if he could save even one person, he'd be happy with things.

Lucifer clearly disagreed, "What, because Father said so? I could make you a f*cking king over the Mediterranean bro, what can he do?"

"Not cause the eternal damnation of my soul, for one."

Lucifer paused, considered his options, and then clung harder to his legs and cried.

"I'm so lonely right now!"

Yeshua sighed.

"Lilith is off on a music tour and everyone else in the gang is too busy! I just want a friend!"

Yeshua sighed harder.

"All I have are ducks! It's becoming unhealthy! Please hang out and get a drink with me! please please please please-''

Okay, this had gone so far beyond pathetic it was now annoying.

"Lucifer, get thee behind me and leave me alone!"

Finally, thankfully, he was able to shake the limpet off, leaving the devil crying awkwardly in the sands as he slowly rolled down a dune. He felt bad, part of him yearning to go down and see if the Deceiver was alright. Then Yeshua remembered that he was literally the Devil and would probably be fine.

Finally, peace and quiet-

Trumpets played out as a beam of light shined down, three angels descending from on high in their true and angelic forms… which for some reason looked like birds.

"We meet again, Yeshua. Though you do not remember it," The tallest of them, a regal and gray skinned woman with thick pale ringlets of hair coming down to her mid back, eyes all over her avian form. She was taller than any man he'd ever seen, possibly more so than Goliath from the scriptures his father had read him, "I am Sera, Head Seraphim by the will of Him On High."

"I am Uriel, Seraphim of the Northern Waters by the will of Him On High," A colossal, blue, bird-like creature stood in pristine white robes, a dozen eyes along the bottom that seemed to stare deep into his soul. Shining light bled out from all around them, two wings spread out from the back of their head crest, covering their eyes.

"And I'm Michael, Archangel over Judea by the will of Him On High and Virtue of Humility," Next to her was… that was Lucifer. That was

literallyjust Lucifer with blue cheek marks instead of red ones. He was short, clad in robes of bright white and gold, "You have done well to resist the temptations of the Fallen One. He is cunning and clever."
Cunning and clever? That guy? Yeshua blinked in confusion, "Was… was it supposed to be hard?"
The three of them laughed and slowly began to lay out a bountiful feast summoned from thin air. After forty days of fasting, he would admit to being a bit peckish.
"For anyone else it would have, but for the Son? We are proud of you," Sera beamed down at him, her beak smiling as she summoned a massive pitcher of crystal-clear water.
"You resisted the Devil himself. Not many can claim such."
"I mean," Yeshua looked around awkwardly, "All I really did was drag him around for a few days while he tried to bribe me into being his friend."
The angels all began to laugh like he'd told a funny joke. Now he just felt even more awkward… and also like he was going to probably tell people the temptation had been an actual temptation rather than whatever the heck that was back there.

**********

"I… came off as needy and desperate. He might have taken it the wrong way. Certainly held it against me if the things his friends said about me are anything to go by," He coughed into a fist and looked extremely uncomfortable. "Let's just say I'm not good at connecting with people and leave it at that," Lucius tugged at his collar, "Like, I know I can be a bit… much. And that turns people off slightly." He laughed bitterly for a moment before turning to her. "You've probably never gone through something like that."

"Look out guys, it's Crazy Cami!"

"Urgh, she's always reading those dumb nerd books of hers."

"You think you're sooo much better than us, huh four-eyes?"

"Whoops, were those your glasses, Crazy Cami? Sorry for stepping on them-oh no, I stepped on them again! And again! And again…"

Camila swallowed; mouth dry as the memories rushed back all at once. She'd swore to put those days behind her but… maybe she never would.

"Growing up… the world wasn't very nice to me," She finally admitted to the third soul in her entire life who would understand, "I wasn't… the most popular. I didn't really have much of anything related to a social life until… until Manny." She smiled, "He was one of my first friends… my first everything, really."

Lucius stared deep into her soul, and she felt… she felt awkward and weird, "I'm truly sorry."

"That was years ago," She calmly waved away the apology, "I'm, well, I'm okay."

"Camila, you're one of the most fascinating women I've ever met," He said, making her blush again as he grabbed and gently held her hands, "You would… you'd do well in my hometown, I think. They'd all like you there."

"You think so, huh?"

"Michael and Gabriel, my siblings, they'd have been lucky to know you," He looked serious, words tumbling out one after another, "I wish we knew each other growing up. I'd have been your friend in a heartbeat."

"And I like to think I'd have been yours."

They smiled at one another, warmth in their gazes as they held hands. It was nice, being understood.

He leaned back against the blanket, "It sucks though, not being able to connect with people."

He got it, he truly got it.

"Literally nobody got my interests except my parents. Do you know how much I had to explain to people that no, it wasn't an army officer I was dressed up as for Halloween, but a Stellar Union Exploration Captain?"

"Oh, don't get me started on outfits!" Lucius threw his hands in the air in exasperation, "First it starts off as, 'Oh, you should dress more like us if you want to fit in.' But then they ask why you're dressed so weirdly and it's like, 'Because you told me to!?'"

She rolled her eyes, "I remember me and Manny got invited to a party once. Simple Halloween one, no biggie. Except the girl who invited us only told me that it was a costume party so she could laugh."

"Sounds like a bitch." He winced apologetically, only for Camila to laugh.

"No, she was a bitch. I would've blown up at her had Manny not broken away from his friends and did a rush job to look like Dr. Borg."

"Ha, I always thought Dr. Borg looked cool."

"He is cool," Camila nodded, "A horrifying villain, but cool. We pretty much ditched the party and I think his friends lambasted her for pulling a stupid stunt like that."

"Oh, I remember the first time the Archivists and I brought up a design idea to Father and his team. We were so excited about building something cool, but we got told it was 'too out there', so the plan was scrapped." Lucius was building up steam, his words bitter with memory, "It was always like that: Oh, you're too out there! Your head is stuck in the clouds! You need to face facts and get with the program! It was apparently my fault I had big dreams about how everything was put together, and nobody wanted to listen."

"Urgh, your dad sounds kind of like a jerk."

Lucius laughed awkwardly while the church bells around town began to ring out, "I wouldn't go that far-"

She shrugged but kept thinking about it. Lucius' dad sounded like he'd get along with her parents. And the less she thought about them the better.

"Manny was a bit of a dreamer too, you know?" She smiled, lost in memories of her late husband, "He always wanted to do amazing things and live life to the fullest. I love him so much."

"Nice to know you had someone in your corner," Lucius looked contemplative, "I… I had my father in there once but-"

**********

A scream from a thousand mouths echoed out, the body kept falling into the abyss below. Flesh grew out at a rapid pace, the thing that was once the third woman turned into horror beyond belief. Cracks spread through her body, red light spilling out as she was transformed into something new.

Something horrible.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," Lilith said in shock, utterly transfixed by the falling giant that was once her replacement, "It wasn't-she wasn't supposed to become… that."

LUCIFER

He and Lilith looked up at the light far above, blinded by its radiance. Lucifer shivered, as for the first time since his creation, there was something besides love and patience in Father's voice.

Pure and utter Horror.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, LUCIFER?

**********

"I might have screwed up royally and gotten kicked out of the house," Lucius' voice was odd and tight as he looked away. She rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned against him.

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

"... yeah, me too."

There they sat in silence, enjoying the breeze flowing across them and flowering trees all around.

"Tell me something amazing about you," Camila turns to him slightly. She wants to try and get his mind off things, and this would be the best way to do so, "Something that you're passionate and interested in."

He smiles at her, grateful for the distraction, "I play the fiddle."

She blinked before smiling again, "Really?"

"Yep!" He's growing more energetic now, turning to face her fully as he rambles, "I took it up out of boredom one day and I never put it back down. Amazing instrument, utterly amazing!" He coughs slightly with an embarrassed smile, "I… might've actually thought about bringing it today to serenade you?"

She laughs, cheeks pink at the thought, "I'm-I'm truly flattered. I've never had anyone serenade me before."

"Well, that's just a crime. You deserve serenading," He said, looking cross as he reached into one of his pockets before pausing, glancing at her, and then awkwardly taking his hand out. She's too busy giggling and twirling her hair like she was a teenager again to really pay that any mind.

"I would… I would love to hear you play for me one day."

He then, to her amazement, plops his head down on her lap and stares up at her with big green eyes she's feeling herself get lost in. "I guess I could play on our next date… speaking of-"

"Yes," She rolls her eyes, chuckling, "Yes, we're getting another date. I'm starting to like you."

"Enough to call me a boyfriend?"

Camila pauses at that.

That is… it makes it all real. Lucius was nice, charming, and understood her like only Manny had before. She hadn't had anyone in her life since him, and now she did. It was such an odd, confusing thing for her, but she knew that she was feeling younger and desired like she hadn't been in years.

If Camila was being honest with herself, she was falling for him.

"Yes," She breathed, staring at him, "Enough to call you my boyfriend."

Lucius closed his eyes and seemed to preen slightly, almost like a cat or a bird. He leaned up and seemed to prepare himself to say something-

She cut him off. She leaned forward, placed a hand against his cheek, and placed her lips against his in a kiss.

His eyes widened slightly before closing, an arm reaching around to rest against her back as they fell to the blanket together. And there the two would continue making out for quite a while.

One could say that the date went off without a hitch.

**********

The Gravesfield bus depot was only a mile out of the town proper, along the Interstate. Short and squat, it was as long as it needed to be. The bus from Hartford to Gravesfield finally began to drive off, leaving behind its very few passengers. However, behind the building and inside the massive dumpster, three figures began to rifle through the garbage.

"Cletus, make sure that those old crackers don't get smushed."

"I'll be fine Collin, just make sure that sandwich stays above the trash line."

"Ooh, ooh! I got some old cookies!"

Three slightly glowing shorties were rifling through the garbage like racoons, hunting for anything and everything they could possibly eat. They were Cherubs, the servants of Heaven by the will of Him On High.

Or, at least, they used to be Cherubs. Now it was a little… it's unclear what they were.

Cletus, the toddler like Cherub, was ginger haired and of glowing pale skin. A simple yellow shirt underneath red overalls was all the Heavenborn angel needed alongside his wings and halo. Currently, his clothing was ragged and dirty from a year spent traveling like a hobo.

Collin, the purplish sheep Cherub, was soft and fluffy, as required from a once cherished therapy animal for many Winners. Though he'd spent many nights berating himself for leaving that after everything. The purple sheep Cherub was clad in a simple turquoise shirt and button pants as he flew in and out of the garbage like a dolphin.

Keenie, the yellowish sheep Cherub and last of the trio, was currently holding a discarded sleeve of Oreos like she'd won a medal. Considering the ragged state of her yellow dress and how dirty the three were, it might as well have been one.

"Alright gang," Cletus gathered his squad as they put down their food for the next week, "We have acquired: One sleeve of Oreos, one half eaten sandwich, and one sleeve of slightly broken crackers."

They stared at their food for the foreseeable future and began to cry.

"We're going to starve!"

"I never should have left the therapy program!"

"This is all those imps' fault!"

The three of them hissed, remembering that horrible night. They spent all their time trying to convince one old man not to kill himself and their reward was that he died by their technical hands. Heaven blamed them for it, so now they were fallen ones.

Except not really.

If they were true fallen ones, they'd have ended up in Hell alongside the Morningstar. Instead, they were simply confined to Earth, where they were stuck for… however long Heaven was going to keep being mad. Now they had but one task: Find something to convince Heaven to let them back in and never set foot on the Earth ever again.

Cletus, getting his sobbing under control, finally offered a shaky smile to his compatriots, "Alright gang, this might be incredibly bleak, but we're still kicking! That's something, right?"

"How long will that continue?" Keenie said bitterly, eating an Oreo slowly and angrily.

"As long as we have each other, we're gonna be okay!"

"How?" Collin asked and Cletus faltered.

That was the question, wasn't it? What would get Heaven's attention long enough to let them back in? It had to be big, juicy, and hopefully involve those wretched imps who ruined everything. Cletus looked up at the big friendly sign, beholding a picture of two brothers on one side and a witch on the other. Between them were three simple words:Welcome To Gravesfield!

"I have a good feeling about this town. We'll find what we're looking for here for sure!" Cletus said happily before descending on the half-eaten sandwich like a piranha.

Notes:

Plot twist: nothing bad happens on the date and they're just having a good time.
I realized halfway through that they deserved that before the Raeda Train comes barreling into the station and we pit two band geeks against each other. So, this date gets to go off without a hitch. You could almost say that I... subverted your expectations :P
And now we enter into the story the three stooges of Heaven. May they finally get back home.
Next Chapter: Camila and Eda talk about the upcoming Double Date while Lucifer asks Mammon for advice about his cover story

Chapter 16: Of Greed and Pets

Summary:

As Hell reacts to societal changes, Lucifer and Mammon have a talk about his cover story. Meanwhile, Camila gushes about her new boyfriend to her coworkers.

Notes:

So you might have noticed that i didnt update at all last week, this was because i took my time off for spring break and recuperated.
I had noticed a few problems popping up the last few chapters and thought the best way to deal with that was too take some time off and get the creative reserves back up to optimal levels. I am now hungry for writing like never before and have so many different ideas bursting through my head the next few chapters are going to be great (hopefully)
Anyway, this *was* going to end with Eda and Camila talking about the double date but then i took a week off, thought up some new plans, and went in a different direction. The next chapter is going to be interesting.
Anyway, i also want to say something: last night we hit 50k views. I dont even know how to properly thank you all for that. This is my most popular story by a wide margin and... and i never expected to see something this popular written by me. Thank you... thank you all. I had a chapter planned for a present to commemorate but then i took a week off so instead ill just go full steam ahead with everything. Please enjoy the following chapter.
TW: Mammon being... Mammon.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Unlike the rest of Hell, Greed had many rules. After all, you needed rules to break them.

The smoggy, industrial pit of despair was, without fail, the single worst place in all of Hell. Thick smog was pumped out of factory chimneys, making a morass of black clouds overhead. They mixed with Hell's ambient energy and displayed an oily sky, shining like gasoline on water.

There were many districts in Greed: Mafia town, Cartel City, and the Banking Borough to name a few. All of them were separated by heavily polluted rivers and canals that lead out from the many oceans and lakes that sent water throughout the realm. Vast dams and water purifiers were built in Lust, the ring below Greed, to ensure that the sheer amount of toxicity didn't contaminate it.

Greed was a horrid place to be in, and even worse to live in. For Mammon, the Sin of Greed and Jester of Hell, constructed his Ring to be a massive stage performance of cops and robbers; a play with an audience of one. Enforcers of Mammon's will walked the streets, ensuring no crime was being committed without his say so. Criminals did their sinful deeds, watching for anyone not giving Mammon a cut of the profits. Banks rose and fell, sending their money to Mammon's coffers, vast corporations warred both secretly and openly, every criminal organization did every vice, and all by design.

Everyone in Greed gave Mammon a cut of whatever pie they were baking. He, in turn, gave a pittance to the many residents who used it to fuel their endless desire for profit. This, in turn, sent money back into the Sin's coffers in a cycle without end.

At the Ring's center was a colosseum shaped like a spider's head: A massive, gaudy thing capable of holding tens of thousands while the Spider himself watched from his web above. The Cirque Du Capital was as terrifying as it was beautiful. It was here that the Jester of Hell made his home, where the realm's vast wealth was gathered.

When the Sin of Greed wasn't holding pageants and performances, he was deep within his halls to count his vast wealth. If not that, then he was planning his next performance or devising some new money-making scheme to give out to those of Greed. He'd planned the downfall of corporate empires, staged grand schemes for wealth's sake, and decided which gang war or cartel battle to allow or disallow. None would fight and damage what was Mammon's without his approval.

It was a realm ruled like a Gangland empire, taxed like nothing above or below. Countless called it home, either by choice or by lack thereof.

One shudders to imagine what horrors of finance and business were being planned within. What grand schemes of money lust were being invented to reshape the face of Greed?

**********

"-king news out of Lust as resident pop sensation Verosika was seen having dinner with an imp!" A group of glamorous succubi and incubi were arranged in a half circle on a glitzy couch before a live studio audience. The succubus currently talking sounded shocked and a little disgusted as she read the report. Behind her was an image of Verosika Mayday holding hands with an imp woman with curling horns, a crossed-out brand on her forehead. The interlocked hands were blurred out. "The two women were seen…" The succubus gulped, "Asmodeus forgive me, they were seen holding hands and giggling like chaste maidens! I think there's even an image of… of Verosika-no, I can't say it!"

The succubus shivered and hugged herself, the incubus next to her looking like a shell-shocked war veteran, "Out of care for our viewers, we won't show the image, as it's very… romantic in nature. However, there exists ungraphic images of Verosika being spoon fed cake by this imp while they were blushing."

The hellborn of Lust gasped, horrified at the thought. One incubus passed out and was carted away by medics.

The talk show of Hell was one of many, and yet since the King's nuclear announcement at the Royal Convocation, all of Lust had been obsessed with watching new relationships that either formed or finally came out of hiding. Verosika being in a relationship with an imp was exciting and a show of how Lust overcomes any obstacle… until, of course, it was revealed she might have been in Love.

"We have sent many news Hellhounds to try and find out any information at all about the mysterious… is it Barb or Barbie? Either way, Barb or whatever was seen entering a café alongside Verosika so we sent our lovely camera demons to bring you the scoop," One of the Incubi on the couch asked as the screen behind them showed a shaky image of Vortex, head of Verosika's bodyguard detail, viciously and brutally beating a bunch of paparazzi to near death, "We were… unsuccessful."

Silence descended before one of the hosts turned to the camera and put on a megawatt smile, "Speaking of… Our Show: Lust In The Morning, needs a new set of camera demons so if you want to apply-"

"You seeing this sh*t?" Mammon asked, reclining on a throne made of gold bars and glaring at the huge diamond-encrusted TV. The rest of the room was filled with money of every type: Gold coins formed vast pyramids while mountains of dollars rose high into the vaulted ceiling. The four-armed jester scratched at his pale white face and snarled, throwing a wad of hundreds at the screen. "I don't know what Lucy was thinking. Now everyone thinks imps areworthsomething!" He threw his hands up in the air and stared at the imp next to the TV, "You believe that sh*t, Crim?"

Crimson Colorionis, head of Mafia Town and undisputed kingpin of the Greed Crime Syndicate, twitched one of his eyes. The imp stood, hands behind his back as he grit his teeth and bore it, "I wouldn't know anything about that, boss."

"I mean, now Fizzi thinks he's hot sh*t! He sent me-do you know what he sent me?" Mammon held out a simple, dainty looking letter with the words'Eat sh*t! Love, Fizzi and Ozzie.'above a bunch of hearts, "Look what he sent me, Crim!"

"Looks like he's disrespecting you, boss," Crimson was only half listening. As the right hand of Mammon, he was basically the emotional dartboard for the spider's venting. For the last few days, he'd been forced to listen as Mammon ranted about uppity imps destroying society. Crimson, himself an imp, was only slightly offended.

"Like… take a look at this sh*t!" Mammon flipped the channel.

~click~

"-to announce that Phenex of the Ars Goetia has officially declared he is actually seeing his butler!" The ram headed demon announced, idly scratched his beard. An image of the Phoenix like Goetia was strolling down the promenade of Envy with an imp in a high-waisted tux and top hat. The ram demon then frowned, looking down at his papers, "I guess… you know what? Screw it, so am I! I'm in love with an imp and I won't hide it anymore! Gregory, if you're watching this, I'm so sorry for pushing you away. It was wrong of me and I want to try again out in the ope-"

"You see this sh*t, Crim?" Mammon asked again. Behind Crimson, two Aquatic hellborn looked extremely uncomfortable as they awkwardly shuffled in place, tugging at their collars.

"Yes boss… yes, I see it," Crimson growled out.

"Next thing you know, they'll be pushing for Hellhound rights," the Sin snarked, flipping the channel once more.

~click~

"-proud to announce the start of this campaign!" Beelzebub, the Party Queen of Gluttony, said as she stood before a massive crowd of Hellhounds, "Imps are finally getting their time in the spotlight and that's great, but we shouldn't forget that Hellhounds are demons too!" The four-armed, vulpine Sin looked serious as she pulled a massive, well-built hellhound towards her, "I am honored to announce the president of the newly formed Hellhound Rights Society and the king of my heart, my boyfriend of several years: Vortex!"

Beelzebub happily clapped as hundreds of hellhounds behind her howled in appreciation. A bashful Vortex took the microphone and looked out at the sea of reporters, "Thank you all, I want to take a moment to talk about what Hellhound Rights would mean-"

A remote crashed into the TV, knocking it to the gold-plated ground as the screen shattered. The remains could only fizzle and spark as a side door opened, a team of maid and butler Fizzibots entering to clean up.

Mammon pinched the bridge of his nose, "Do you know what this means, Crim?"

"No, Boss."

"Less money for me! I'll have to put out protective rights for imps and sh*t! And now Hellhounds? This will cut into my bottom line, Crim!"

"Of course, boss."

The Sin glared at the unbothered imp. Crimson was always too big for his britches, and usually, Mammon enjoyed throwing him at pesky problems that cut into his tithes: Cartels, gangs, or businesses and banks not paying protection money. Right now though, it was just pissing him off.

"Why are you even here, Crim?"

The imp made an ugly face, "I want to take a leave of absence for a bit to… tie up a loose end or three up in Pride." He murderously clenched a fist tight, "I've been humiliated too many times, and I plan to rectify that."

Mammon blinked and co*cked his head, "You're not thinking of going after your sh*tty son again, are you?"

Crimson was annoyingly silent.

Of course. Of course it was about Mixxie, or Moxxo, or whatever Crimson's son was named. Honestly, Mammon didn't care to remember. Crimson had been so annoying about everything, going on about his family troubles week after week. If you asked Crimson, his son was both the worst demon alive and a bane on his soul. A menace to Hellish society and a sign of its degradation.

Now, personally, Mammon didn't give a sh*t about Mixxo or whatever. But one day, he'd take over the family business and run the Crime Syndicate for him. The Sin took several reports about his progress from Crimson over the years until he stopped, having gotten tired of hearing the imp bitch about how worthless and pathetic Moxxer was. There would be time to teach the boy properly once Crimson croaked, just like he'd done with Fizzi, raising and molding him into a superstar until Ozzie ruined everything. He just had to make sure no Sins came into contact with… with…

Moxxie, that was it.

Now personally, Mammon wanted for his businesses to be run tight. Crimson going after his stupid son in a blood vendetta would be detrimental to everything. After Ozzie stole Fizzi away, he didn't want to take any chances of another slice of the Greed pie falling out. Crimson killing Moxxie when he had no other heirs due to the mutual hatred between him and his wife - shame, she'd been a pretty little thing. Real shame what happened to her, real shame indeed - would do just that.

Mammon was about to deny his request, but then the door opened, a butler imp looking in, "Sir, you have a visitor."

"I told you, no visit-"

Before he could gather up enough money to throw at the butler, or even tell him off for failing his one task, the door opened fully and in stepped Lucifer Morningstar. The King of Hell was in his full white suit and black knee-high boots, stepping carefully around piles of money. His top hat/crown was shined to a fault, catching the light and making Mammon squint his eyes. His cane tapped down hard as he strode up to the golden throne.

"Hello, Mammon."

Mammon sighed, this was going to take a while, "Hello, Lucy." He waved away Crimson and his mafiosos as he gave his full attention to the King, "Crim, get lost."

"So can I-?"

"You can harass his friends all you like but the boy stays alive, Crim." Crimson looked absolutely vicious as he and his goons left the Vault. He made a mental note to send a few thugs to make sure Crimson didn't go overboard, knowing the imp would if left alone. Reclining on his massive pile of money like a dragon, Mammon looked down at the king and asked, "What brings you here, Lucy?"

Lucifer tapped his cane and a chair made of black wood rose up, the Morningstar emblem emblazoned on top. He sat down, smiling awkwardly, "A friend can't check in on another friend without needing something?"

Mammon crossed his arms and frowned, "You told me, and I'm quoting you word for word here,'Until that sellout hack shuts down his shameless ripoff, he's dead to me.'"

Now Lucifer frowned, "Loo Loo Land is a joke, Mammon. It's an insult to the very theme park I myself made."

"It has nothing to do with you, Lucy. It's spelled with O's. Can't sue me for O's."

"You literally have an exact replica of my entire head built into one of the rides!"

"Coincidence." He glared, crossing his arms even harder.

Lucifer was vibrating in anger, barely restraining himself, "Appley the Apple? You couldn't even bother coming up with a different name! Appleton the Apple Knight was Charlie's favorite mascot and you just… just blatantly stole him for your stupid rip-off!"

Bringing up Charlie? That was low. Mammon actually puffed in anger and tightly gripped the golden bars of his money throne, "Appley the Apple is completely and legally distinct from Appleton the Apple Knight. For one thing, they don't have armor or a sword."

"It's a giant, talking apple!"

Mammon snarled, "Coincidence."

This was a familiar argument between the two: Loo Loo Land versus Lu Lu World. Mammon had built Loo Loo Land as a cheap money-making scheme. Did he know Lu Lu World was built for his beloved niece when he made Loo Loo Land? No, he didn't. Would that have altered his course when coming up with the park? Probably.

Of course, he was in too deep now and couldn't admit defeat or wrongdoing in front of Hell, lest the vast pyramid of power he'd built into Greed turn on him as a sign of weakness.

Lucifer harshly breathed out, "You know what? No, I'm not doing this again. I've already told you how I feel about your ripoff." He pinched the bridge of his nose and calmed down, "I wouldn't have come if I didn't need you, so let's just cut the bullsh*t and start over." Plastering a smile on his face, he asked, "How're you doing, Mammon?"

It was the most blatantly fake smile he'd ever seen, but he didn't care. Still a far more willing audience to listen to his many woes. Crimson was… fine, but he was an underling. He preferred bitching to his peers.

"Absolutely terrible," Mammon slumped, "My bottomless well of money up and ran away on me with Ozzie! And now I don't have any leverage over them since you announced imps are cool."

"I mean," Lucifer looked uncomfortable, "I'm not going to apologize for that or anythi-"

"Glim and Glam? Love them, I really do, but they just don't have the sheerstarpower that Fizzi did. The Fizzibots are disbanded because Ozzie is being a dick about copyright and now I have to make enough Glimbots and Glambots to shore up the difference. But nobody who already has a Fizzi wants one, and those who don't just want a Fizzi, which I can't make anymore!" He raved, his voice leaking a bit of power as his form shifted and grew. Lightning sparked around him and his true form broke out just a tad.

"I'm, er, sorry about that?" Lucifer tried.

Mammon glared balefully, "I don't want to talk about my money problems right now. Look at this place!" He spread his right arms across the room, gesturing at the near endless piles of wealth, "You know how much money is in here?"

Lucifer opened his mouth-

"Billions, Lucy! I only have tens of billions!" He sighed, sinking into his chair, "I should have hundreds of billions, not… notthat."

"... Charlie says hi, by the way."

Mammon smiled, thoughts of his beloved niece warming his shriveled black heart. He sat back up, "Little Charlie said hi, did she?"

He had a soft spot for the sweet and charming princess. Normally Mammon would've dismissed her like he did many of the other Sins, but she had a backbone of pure steel and a heart as greedy as any other.

Oh yes, Charlie was greedy and envious as they came. Not for material things like wealth and riches, if she had wanted as deeply as she did for such things he might've respected her less. Mammon craved money and wealth like nothing else, but Charlie? She had her sights set on moreephemeralthings.

She wanted a better life for demonkind, Sinner and Hellborn alike. She craved for the universe to bend to her whims and bring joy and happiness to Hell. She wanted a happy day in Hell, she wanted it sodeeplyand socompletelythat the Sin of Greed couldn't help but cheer her on. Hers was a cup that could never be filled, never be satisfied unless Paradise came for demonkind itself. Shewanted, andwanted, andwantedsome more, and her greed for a happy day in Hell was astonishing to witness.

It'd never work because Hell was a sh*thole. Always had been and would be. But for someone toWantas strongly as she did? Well, he couldn't help but nod along and pass her some pocket change every now and again for her efforts to achieve her deep wants.

It was the least he could do for a fellow aficionado of Greed, after all.

"How's the little squirt doing, Lucy?" Mammon reclined, crooked his fingers together, and grinned towards one of his many golden pyramids, "Haven't seen Charlie since she came by asking for some starter capital for her hotel."

Lucifer blinked, "She told you about the Hotel?"

"Course she did!" He spread his arms wide, sending a pile of cash to the floor, "Told her it was a crapshoot, but she made her case and I gave her some dosh so she could invest in getting ahead of the competition."

"There's… literally no other service offering redemption," Lucifer explained, "There is, by default, no competition."

"I know!" Mammon wiped a tear away, "Baby's first monopoly, I'm so proud! First she corners the market, gets those ingrates to fall in line with her redemption plan, and next thing you know, she has a corporate empire of hotels throughout Pride and beyond! I've already got several factories on standby waiting to start making merch for her hotels. You want a Charlie Shirt?" He twirled a finger, summoned a small portal of green lightning, and pulled out a bundle of cloth before unrolling it, revealing a T-shirt with a cartoon Charlie on it giving a thumbs up and saying"You Can Do It!"

"I'll take several, actually," Lucifer smiled and flung a gold bar out to one of the many money piles. Mammon nodded, appeased.

"She still into that weird nerd sh*t from Earth?" He asked, remembering her nerd phase like it was yesterday. She'd read them cover to cover back when they were the new hotness on Earth. Personally, Mammon didn't give two sh*ts about what humans did or thought, but Charlie found out if she annoyed him enough with her interests, he'd pay her to go away. She did that regularly to get an extra allowance.

He was so proud of her… and so damn tired of hearing about damnable Captain Avery and his stupid adventures in space.

"She hasn't read those in forever, actually," Lucifer scratched the back of his head, "I've actually been reading them myself because I may have told someone I'm a fan and now I'm stuck in a lie."

Mammon grinned, "Ah, the consequences of your own actions." He scoffed, "Never suffered them myself so I wouldn't know."

"Yeah, except they're a bit more interesting than I thought. You know, the science isn't that half-baked, and Captain Avery's actually quite interesting if you get to know him. His friendship with O'Bailey is fun to read about as they try to salvage the fractured peace between Earth and Jupiter-"

"So really, I'd love to shoot the sh*t with ya Lucy, but I really wanna know why you're here," The spider cut off the rambling king as he mentally began filtering out anything and everything to do with Cosmic Frontier.

"Well… if you must know, I actually need some advice."

Mammon blinked and cleaned out an ear, "Really?"

"Yes."

"... why?"

"Because nobody knows about business more than you."

Mammon paused before leaping off his throne, sending it tumbling into a massive pile of money as he flung both his left arms over Lucifer's shoulders. He lifted the small king up and shook him back and forth, "Why didn't you say so!? Always knew the best way out of a depression was money! Whoever said money can't buy happiness is full of sh*t."

"That's not-"

"There's not a soul alive that knows more about money and business than me, Lucy!" Mammon grinned, his razor fangs glinting off the light of the surrounding gold, "Why, I taught many a scholar of the wealthy arts! There was this one group of people who wanted to go to some place called'India'and start up a trading company, so I told them how to do it right-"

"Mammon, if you could-"

"-Then I got summoned again by someone named Adam Smith. He wanted to learn all my secrets, so I told him all about how I ran things in Greed. He got so interested that he wrote a book about it! Can't remember what it's called but-"

"Mammon!" Lucifer finally got a word in edgewise, dusting down his coat, "I… appreciate the enthusiasm, but I simply want to know how to run a business as an executive."

"That's all?" the Sin of Greed snorted in amusem*nt. "I'll teach you everything you need to know about how to be successful in business."

Lucifer nodded and sat back down in his chair, "I might've told someone I ran my own business empire and now I need to know everything I can to make sure the lie holds."

Mammon smiled, "Alrighty, then let's get to learning!" He sat his massive bulk down on the nearest pile of gold and got out a ruler, waving it back and forth like a baton, "Now, the first thing you're gonna need to know about being successful is how to launder money. You writing this down, Lucy? You need to start writing this sh*t down."

Lucifer, ever the diligent student, began to write down everything Mammon said.

**********

The Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic was a simple, well-loved building. It was technically two clinics in one: the small, two-story building and a large, barn-like structure, both with their own expert staff. The former was one of white stone, glowing in the sun with friendly, animal filled murals decorating the walls. Camila worked in this one and was their star employee. Currently, she was humming happily, making sure the fluffy dog in front of her had all his shots.

"You're being such a good boy for me," She said, voice low and soothing, her movements neither too sudden or rushed. She made sure not to frighten the already scared dog as she administered his last shot.

She loved her work, she truly did. She'd always had a weakness for small animals, children too. If she hadn't gone into Vet work, she'd have tried to get a degree in pediatric care. And yet, here she was working with cute, friendly animals.

Life couldn't get any better.

"I'm still amazed, Cam," Jenny Waters, her assistant in all things dog related, said in awe as she entered new medical data into the system. She was a red-haired woman in her twenties who'd graduated college before returning to care for her grandparents. They were, well, they were friendly co-workers, so Camila supposed she and Jenny were friends, "That dog hasn't let anyone get close at all and you just… casually get all up in his business."

"What can I say? I have the touch," She giggled and hummed the Transformers theme, patting the fluffy German Shepard on the side, "You're good to go, Matty."

The dog happily barked, licking her face before jumping down and pawing at the door. She opened it up and the dog practically barreled into his owner, knocking the elderly man back down into his chair.

"All fixed up, are ya Matty?" The bald and liver-spotted gentleman smiled at her, "You do the Lord's work, Ms. Noceda. Thank you, really."

She waved away the compliment, "It's alright. Now, we managed to administer his shots and did an overall check for any disease or abnormality. Matty came up negative for everything. He's in excellent health, Jean."

"I try my best, Ms. Noceda."

"You know where the front desk is," Camila moonwalked a few steps before twirling around, walking back to her room, doing some finger-guns as Helen Goldstein and her cat Whiskers came through the door, "Looking good, Whiskers!" She complimented, the cat meowing as Helen laughed in response. Doing a little dance as she entered the room, she grinned even as Jenny stared at her like a puzzle waiting to be solved. She co*cked her head to the side and Camila blinked. "There something on my face?"

Jenny shook her head, "I… don't take this the wrong way, Cam, but I haven't seen you this happy since you barged in and announced how your daughter made her first girlfriend."

"Luz and Amity are adorable and I will stand by that statement." She said while disposing of the used needles before cleaning her equipment.

"I've seen the pictures you showed me. Everyone has," Jenny smirked and laughed. Camila had practically gushed to everyone who came in about her daughter's relationship after Luz showed her the PowerPoint presentation. Oh, she'd known weeks before Luz came out. The two couldn't help but be lovey dovey at every opportunity. But she kept her silence and said nothing until her darling daughter was ready.

She would not have a repeat of her own experience.

"Can't help but feel proud of mi hija."

"Always liked Luz, so I'm glad to see she's finally found her place in the world," Jenny began sweeping up a few of the mats they'd snipped off of their last patient.

"She and Vee are doing much better after all the… unpleasantness." It was hard, trying to explain what exactly happened that year. Once all the dust settled and everyone was fine and recovered from the near apocalypse (or more accurately a second near one), she'd sat down with Luz and Vee to try and get their stories straight, just like the night after the Hexsquad arrived at her front door.

"You ever going to tell anyone what happened?" Jenny asked, which Camila expected. Jenny, Ramirez, Benjamin, and Dr. Nancy all wanted to know the exact details of what happened that year, but she wouldn't tell. She'd thrown enough false breadcrumbs out for them to think a number of wild theories, all as far from the truth as possible. She's pretty sure her boss, Dr. Nancy, thought the Hexsquad were run aways from a human trafficking ring that she'd sheltered.

The fact that Hunter, while he volunteered at the Vet, would casually throw out some of the most off-putting tidbits about his life in the Emperor's Coven… well, it certainly ensured no sane or rational story would win out.

She smiled and mimed zipping her lips, making Jenny shake her head, "I'll get the truth out of you one day, Cam."

"You're certainly welcome to try, Jenny."

The two friends laughed together and went back to work in silen-

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Jenny whirled around and mockingly glared at her, "You're not gonna distract me with your little mysteries this time, Cam. You're practically glowing with happiness, so spill."

She shook her head ruefully and smiled to herself. "I… might have a boyfriend now."

And there it was. She and Lucius were officially dating. They'd straight up made out on the picnic blanket for several minutes before separating to continue cloud watching. It was the perfect end to a perfect date.

She was dating again; she had a boyfriend again. Life was looking upwards. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she remembered the taste of his lips on hers and she giggled to herself like a schoolgirl. Gosh, but he had a sway over her.

Jenny blinked and then smiled happily, "Oh my god, Cam. That's amazing!"

"I know!" She would certainly be extremely happy about her current relationship.

"You gotta tell me everything, Cam!"

"Tell you everything about what?" Dr. Mary Nancy, an elderly woman of gentle disposition, walked in. She had her stringy gray hair in a tight bun and a pair of tortoise shell glasses over pale green eyes. Her simple doctor's coat over scrubs was bedazzled with many different buttons and pins that she and her wife had collected over the years. She was the best boss Camila could ask for. Though right now, it was starting to get crowded in her room.

"Camila has a boyfriend, Dr. Nancy!" Jenny chirped, "She's going to tell me all about him and what he was like and-"

"-And you can do that when you aren't on the clock," Dr. Nancy gave Jenny an eye and raised eyebrow. The red-haired nurse blushed and got back to work, "That being said… Cam, aren't you about to go on a lunch break?"

Camila sighed as she saw the eager, curious eyes behind Mary's glasses. This was going to be a while, "Yes, Mary. I'll tell you all about my boyfriend over lunch."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to impose but if you insist-" Dr. Nancy grabbed ahold of her arm and led her towards the employee break room. It was a nice little sky-blue room, being big enough to house the full staff of both clinics. It had all the necessary amenities needed: Nice fridge, nice microwave, nice little toaster oven, nice toaster, and nice comfy chairs. Two large open windows revealed the forest behind the clinic, letting the spring air in.

"You know," Dr. Nancy sat down with a cup of tea, "You don't have to spill any details if you don't want to."

"I know for a fact that you want to know as much as possible about my love life," Camila countered, her boss crooking an eyebrow.

"Cam… I want to know abouteveryone'slove life."

Well, that was true. Her boss was a nosey person who took great delight in learning little secrets and details about people's personal lives. Honestly, Camila believed she'd have made a great detective with how she got information out of people. Mary just quietly smiled at her when she brought that up at the Christmas party.

"I met him at a bar, actually," She finally fessed up, tired of Mary's raised eyebrow, "He's… I think he's a big city executive but I… haven't really asked him about the name of his company." Dr. Nancy just nodded. Camila continued, "He's… he's charming, and sweet, and a big dork-"

"Aww!" Both of them turned to find Jenny and Ramirez, the Afro-Cuban nurse who was trying to become the next doctor here, looking at them from the doorway. "That's sweet!" Jenny chirped again, "I'm glad you found a kindred soul."

Ramirez just gave her a thumbs up and a nod of approval.

"Don't you two have work to do?" Dr. Nancy asked, annoyed.

"We just went on our lunch break, actually," Jenny replied as they both pulled up chairs, to which the head doctor just sighed.

"Seriously, Noceda, it's nice that you found someone," Ramirez said as he reclined and looked at the ceiling, "Good to know love never ends and all that jazz."

Camila smiled as he and Jenny began gushing about her boyfriend, to which she kept on offering tidbit after tidbit. She felt on cloud nine as she talked about Lucius, about both their picnic date and the nice café they went to. She might have left out the explosive end to the café date and the… well, steamy make-out they had at the end of the picnic date, but she figured they got the point.

It was… it was nice, having friends she could just gush about things with nowadays.

Before Camila could continue, the sound of crashing trash cans echoed in from the open window, followed by hissing, snarling, and the chorus of animals fighting.

Again.

"God damn it, the racoons are back," Dr. Nancy shook her head, "If they keep fighting like this, they'll have plenty of infections setting in. Camila, I hate to ask, but could you deal with this?"

"What, the raccoon's injuries? I don't think-"

"I meant the trash," Dr. Nancy explained, "I'd have an intern do it but, well, you're here already so…"

Camila saluted and made her way towards the back of the clinic. A few rooms had some of her coworkers in them, yet more were empty as she walked outside. The crisp afternoon air was nice after being cooped up in her little windowless op room. She rolled her shoulders, working out a kink or two as she started for the trash. The second she got close, the small squadron of raccoons ran off, ill-gotten gains in their mouths. She was about to continue when she heard the strangest sound.

Sobbing.

It was a gentle, quiet cry, like someone was trying to stifle their voice.

"Hello?" Camila called out, turning a corner to the back of the clinic, "Is anyone there?"

There was a sound like crinkling trash as something tried to hide. She looked out across the scene: Trash cans tipped over with garbage scattered around the area. A simple sack of rotten food was ripped open and practically empty while an overflowing garbage bag was shaking. It was like something held it in place to hide behind it.

Something too small to be a person.

Camila very carefully made her way forward, a hand in pocket for her mace. She'd been keeping it on her person at all times after that Cabron tried to stab her. She'd probably be keeping it close at hand for years to come.

Step by step, she made towards the rustling bag, getting close enough to see what was behind it.

It was a sheep, a purple, dirty sheep in an incredibly frayed little suit. His fur was matted, full of brambles and detritus while he cowered away from her.

Slowly and steadily, she got her hand out of her pocket, hands outstretched to show she was no threat as she took a knee, "Hey-hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please."

Camila moved the garbage bag out of the way and got a better look at him. He had a few cuts and scratches on his gangly limbs, probably from the racoons, and was curled up in a defensive ball as he avoided eye contact. The sight broke her heart. She always had a soft spot for cute and cuddly animals, so seeing one in pain, even one that was bright purple and wearing a little suit, hurt to see.

"Hey," She said slowly as she retracted her hands and made sure to appear non-threatening, "Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?"

The sheep, because it was a sheep, didn't respond except to continue shivering. She carefully picked him up and carried him to safety, all while suspecting that he came from beyond the door in her second home. Despite that, he was still a small animal that needed help, and she would do everything in her power to help him.

She took the incognito angel into the clinic and closed the door behind her.

Notes:

So now Collin is in the clutches of a veterinarian. Oh, woe is him.
The Cherubs are going to go in an interesting direction let me tell you. I hope you all like the path i take them in.
Also, this chapter was 6.8k words. Thats 2k more than what is normally put in here so i hope you all like it. I wanted to write more than usual since it's been a week.
Next Chapter: Collin tries very hard not to blow his cover as a perfectly normal sheep. Meanwhile, Camila takes care of what is definitely not a normal sheep.

Chapter 17: Collins Awful, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Summary:

Collin the Cherub loses a battle against some Raccoons, is briefly very depressed, and is then saved by a less than literal angel.
Misunderstandings, as always, ensue

Notes:

Before i get to the notes, just wanna say a quick TW: Collin thinks some dark thoughts here about himself and his life so... take note of that.
Anyway.
I dont know if you noticed, but there is a very slight change to chapter 1: That being, it now has a cover.
I now have artwork made of this fic. I didn't commission it or anything, somebody just loved it so much that they did it themselves. Thank you Thecrazygamingzombie for commissioning the artwork, and thank you Vanilla0chinchilla for drawing it, you both rock so so much and I love you.
Anyway, i would also like to rectify something that I recently learned. My editor, MetropolisMCU or ssjSega depending on what site you use, is apparently the author of a very good fic called The Silver Raven. I enjoyed this and since they have been such a huge help I would like to ask that if you enjoy this story go check them please and thank you. Note: It was started back before S2 of Owl House was made so some things don't match up to canon but eh, its a very great read anyway
https://archiveofourown.org/works/30942587/chapters/76415642

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Through the streets of Gravesfield, a cherub embarked on an important mission.

Collin, former therapy cherub turned agent turned pseudo-fallen one crouched low to the ground as he slowly made his way to the end of the hedge row towards the sidewalk. The purple sheep had seen better days: his lilac suit was torn to near shreds, his fur was matted and dirty, and he was pretty sure his mane was as filthy as the rest of him. And yet his resolve was as unstoppable as the pillars of Heaven itself.

He crouched even lower, his belly practically scratching along the grassy yard as he stared unblinking at the human man currently unloading the back of his vehicle. He was a typical human: two hands, two feet, head, eyes… and muscles for days, the man looked like he was a permanent resident of a gym. Now, normally, he would avoid dangerous looking humans like this if it weren't for the fact that the back of his car was filled with groceries.

Delicious, delicious groceries.

An entire bag of oranges! A full package of corn-on-the-cob! An entire bag full of chips! It was an endless bounty of food and he had taken to stea- no! Angels didn’t steal. He was merely… strategically transporting edibles to an alternate location. Said alternate location being the bag on his back.

Which was fine and dandy to the very hungry cherub.

It was his turn to begin foraging and he had done it well. He had gone from trash can to trash can, dumpster to dumpster as he collected whatever he could that was even slightly edible: moldy fruit, stale bread, half-eaten sandwiches… if it could be chewed, it was put into the sack he held on his back to take back for eating amongst his friends and him. But right now he had the opportunity to take more than just trash. He could get real food.

His friends would be so happy with him if he pulled this off. They could use a pick-me-up after everything.

Cletus and Keenie were back at the hide-out they had chosen and were currently planning their next moves. If he knew his friends, Keenie was gung-ho about planning out their journey to the next town once this one gave its last while Cletus was coming up with plans and schemes to get back into Heaven’s good graces.

He hoped that Cletus would come up with a good plan, their last one had sort of… blown up in their face. Literally.

Apparently trying to hijack a radio-station to broadcast to the office of the Joybringer herself was an explosive endeavor.

He shook his head, thoughts of the youngest Seraphim and his former boss twice over would just make him sad. Well, sadder than he already was being stuck on earth potentially for eternity.

And anyway, his chance had finally come!

The human had picked up a massive thing of dog food and was carting it inside over his shoulder while he carried in a thing of soda in his free hand. Which meant that as soon as the door to his domicile closed the van full of food would be unguarded and he could rummage to his heart's content.

The human went inside and closed the door with his foot and Collin, once the favored therapy cherub of many different winners, charged forward like a mad animal and dove straight into the bags. He shoved a whole roast chicken into his bag, the package of corn, and a frozen meat pie.

He had hit the motherload of food.

He was just about to grab the bag of chips when the door to the human house opened and the very large and very muscular human person stepped outside and saw him.

“Hey! Get out of my car you little bastard!”

Collin burst into action, his every movement jittery and full of manic energy as he forced himself to bolt like he had never bolted before. This was his food now, the human could deal. He used the back of the… van, that's what it was called. He used the back of the van to launch himself backwards and clattered against the ground and started pumping his legs like crazy.

This wasn't the first time he had been seen: more than a few humans had seen him in the act of taking food for the group. This was just the first time he had been seen by a human built like a brick wall who looked like they could snap him in half.

“Get back here you- what the…!?” The human stopped in his tracks as soon as he got a good look at him, after all It wasn't everyday that a human saw a chest high purple sheep in a dirty lilac suit with a sack of stolen food rush away with terrified bleating, little hooves practically sparking the concrete as he rushed away.

Of course, the human's loss was his bag jumped up and down as he bravely ran away out of sight.

Mission successful.

Food acquired.

**********

“Lets see… with that we have, hmm, enough for three weeks if we ration.”

Collin was safely hidden behind a large white building near the edge of town. He had fled as fast and as far as his hooves could take him and now he was hiding behind something known as the “Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic.” It was a decent enough building with many different murals of friendly cherub-like animals all around it frolicking and having fun and it had a decent view of the vast forest behind it.

He’d never seen a clinic before, Heaven didn't have any need for them since it was… well, literal perfection. He wondered what this one did or what a ‘Veterinary’ was. There was a smell like a bunch of animals in the air and it just made him more confused as to what this place was.

Of course, the smell of actual fresh food is more important than the place he was hiding behind so he put it out of his thoughts and began tallying up his new spoils.

“Chicken, I know Cletus will like that… Corn, Keenie always did like corn, half a chicken pot pie…”

Yep, this was a good haul. With his new spoils added onto the less than perfect food he had acquired beforehand. Cletus and Keenie would be so proud of him! They might even give him headpats like… like Emily used to.

Before he could descend into another spiral of shame and self-loathing, however, there was a rustling in the treeline before him and the most curious of God’s creatures emerged out of the bushes.

It was… well, a raccoon. The creature had the trademark bandit eyes and bushy ringed tail coming out of a furry body. It hopped close and co*cked its head to the side.

He smiled, he was great with animals! They responded to the Grace within all angels and would naturally leave them in peace. Now, granted, mixing Grace with Infernal energy tends to make animals… freak out slightly but there were no awful, horrid, monstrous, evil evil evil Imps around to make the little guy hostile.

He liked his chances.

“Hey there little guy!” He said, his voice cheerful as he lowered himself slightly to meet the creature's gaze at eye level. “You miss your family too?”

Two other raccoons emerged from the bushes, all three of their gazes on the bag full of food next to him. “Looks like your family missed you too.” He chirped only to frown as they began to move closer to him.

He chuckled nervously and sidled close to the bag, his expression anxious as the raccoons drew closer. “Now, um, this would be my food right now so I would like to ask you not to steal from me. My friends and I… we need it more.”

The raccoons just stayed put, their gaze turning towards him and not leaving as they just… waited.

He smiled. “See? That's the spiri-”

There was a sound of chittering right next to his ear and he turned his head to look directly into the eyes of a fourth raccoon, sitting on top of one of the garbage cans next to him almost a hair’s breadth away.

“Clever girl.” He said simply as the other three raccoons charged forward and the fourth leapt at him like a, well, a rabid animal.

**********

Failure.

That was all that Collin could feel as he huddled in on himself, the pain of the many scratches and bites sending lances of agony through him. The raccoons were basically gorging themselves on his bounty, leaving nothing at all for the cherub to bring back to his friends.

A cherub of the High Holy could recover from most ailments, and get over most injuries. Raccoons shouldn't have even left a single mark on him if he didn't want them too… except he wasn’t a cherub of the High Holy anymore, was he?

Failure, he was a failure.

His thoughts were spiraling, it was all he could do as little sobs of pain left his muzzle.

He hadn't been such a pathetic thing before. Once, he was a therapy cherub: One of those heavenborn designed to give comfort to those winners who had died in not-so-nice ways. He had basically basked in the adoration of thousands as his days were filled with head-pats, tummy rubs, and making sure that the winners he was assigned to acclimated to death.

He had soothed nightmares, he had helped people through panic attacks, he had been a shoulder to cry on… he was a pro at giving comfort to people.

And now here he was curled up into a bloody ball as his every bounty was stolen by filthy trash pandas.

He should never have listened to Cletus, he should have stayed a therapy cherub and never joined the servants of Emily the Joybringer. He would never blame the youngest seraphim for his current situation: she had formed the many branches of C.H.E.R.U.B to bring joy and happiness to the loved ones of winners so that those on earth could bask in the joys she brought to Heaven always. There was nothing wrong with that.

No, he blamed Cletus and his… his darn desire to be bigger than just a servant! It was the natural order for cherubs to be servants, trying to break that order led to filthy evil Imps making you accidentally kill your target and get cast out of Heaven.

Actually, Cletus wasn't even at fault for this. It was those darn… no, those Damn imps! If it wasn't for those horrid things he would be back in Heaven sipping pina coladas with the other cherubs instead of curled up in a ball, surrounded by garbage, being beaten bloody by raccoons who wanted to steal the trash he had stolen in the first place.

More sobs left him as he tried to curl in tighter.

He was such a piece of garbage. He should have never given into peer pressure, he was… he was such a failure.

Footsteps began to echo, the sound of an approaching human coming closer and closer causing the trash pandas to scatter away with his loot. And thus Collin, once a cherub of the High Holy and now a nothing of the nowhere, was left alone with literally nothing to his name.

He might as well just lay there and let the human stomp him into the ground, it was all he was good for. Maybe he could be good fertilizer for plantlife? That would be nice, becoming a plant… no more pain, no more hunger, no more scavenging for food…

He wanted to lay there forever… but he also kind of didn't want to get stomped into the ground just yet so he dragged himself, with great difficulty, behind the trashcan the raccoon had launched itself off of and hid.

It wasn't like he could stop whatever big, scary human was coming from doing whatever but maybe his pathetic whimpering would lead to the human at least taking a moment's pity before bashing his head in for being basically garbage?

Either way, the human had found him and he curled tighter still, his bloody leg lancing pain through him as he did so. He shivered like mad, awaiting his fate-

“Hey- hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please.”

That… that wasn't a scary voice. That was actually a nice voice.

He didn't dare move a muscle besides his pained twitching as the garbage bag was moved out of the way, his whole body now in plain view of the human standing above him. He didn't dare hold out hope that she, for it sounded like a she although he could be wrong since he was in a lot of pain right now, would help him.

“Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?”

She sounded very nice, like a warm blanket. He smothered his every instinct to flinch or start flailing to get away as she picked him up carefully, like he mattered. Did she know he was a fallen one? Did she know he had blood on his hands?

If she did she would send him away and then gather together a mob to hunt down his friends. That couldn't happen at any cost.

As he was carefully taken away from the garbage and the filth he decided he would pretend to be a normal sheep. How hard could it be?

**********

Camila Noceda, Vet extraordinaire, placed the purple sheep on the table and began to prep her tools. She wasn't sure how her tools would work on what was either an obvious Isles demon or one of Eda’s accidentally sapient mistakes but she would help the small creature either way.

Just from a cursory glance she could tell she would need disinfectant, gauze, and some heavy duty trimmers for the mats and detritus all tangled up in his fur. He could also do with a bath, so she got some towels out to dry the poor little guy off afterwards.

She brushed a bit of the rotten foodstuff off of him and got to work.

Disinfectant was put on a swab and she started dabbing at his bites and scratches.

“Ow!” The sheep cried out, only to freeze up and stare at her in horror. “I mean, Baa!” He said ‘baa’, rather than simply baa’ing.

It was kind of adorable.

She kept dabbing and she was amazed at the color of his blood: pure gold with an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the light. Each and every wound on his body was golden colored, even the bites. Actually, especially the bites since they covered more area.

Golden blood… she carefully crossed out ‘Gained sentience thanks to Eda’ and chocked it up to ‘Isles Demon.’

She had never taken care of an Isles Demon before… Well, okay, that was a lie. King, Eda’s adorable son and the cutest little guy she’d ever seen in her life, had once fallen and skinned his knee while playing catch with Eda and the… the bird tube.

She carefully sidestepped thoughts of the bird tube. She had seen the video Luz had of that… that thing removing its own skin. She had never been able to see the creature the same way ever again.

So her practice taking care of Isles Demons was exactly one, not a great sample size all things considered. Well, two now.

A few more dabs and she was ready to apply the first bit of gauze, carefully wrapping up the wound as she made sure to be as gentle as she could be. The little guy was in enough pain as it was and she didn't want to amplify that. She glared at one of the trickier placed wounds and got out her trimmers to get rid of some of the mats and dirt around it.

“You know, I’ve never taken care of a real one of you guys before.” She said simply as she began trimming away, clearing up some of the fur buildup and giving him a nice styling while she was at it. “I mean, I hope I'm not hurting you.”

“Baa.” The purple sheep said again, a panicky look in his eyes as he remained perfectly still.

She smiled again. Putting away her trimmers she began to dab away more golden blood with disinfectant as she got to work. Wound after wound, she made sure that the sheep was well taken care of.

She had just gotten to a bite on his back when the door opened. “Hey, Cam? Have you seen…?”

Benjamin Cohen was an intern from the local college who was trying to get a full employment after he graduated. Dr. Nancy liked his work and honestly? So did she. He may not have been as good as Hunter was with the more skittish and abused animals but he was still gentle and kind, both good things to look for in a vet.

Short and slick black hair alongside a bushy beard, the olive skinned man was a godsend to the clinic. He was clad in his scrubs and was currently looking into the room with confusion and shock.

She could understand: it wasn't every day you saw a purple sheep in a dirty suit covered in golden blood.

The sheep looked terrified, Ben looked increasingly shocked, and Camila went into overdrive.

“Would you believe a circus just abandoned this poor boy?” She said, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible and looking as casual as she could. “Just… painted him purple, splashed him with gold, and then threw him out in a suit.”

“That…” Ben looked confused. “A circus?”

“I mean, what other reason would I have to have a purple sheep in a suit?” Camila smiled as brightly as she could.

Ben looked at her and a trail of sweat went down her forehead.

“I… really don't know.” He grabbed a holder of syringes off the table and slowly closed the door, staring at her oddly even as the door closed behind him.

She sighed in relief. That was a close one.

She turned around to see the sheep staring at her oddly, the fear gone from his eyes and more curiosity in it now. She smiled gently and got back to taking care of and dressing his wounds.

“I hope he doesn't bring Dr. Nancy into things,” She explained, dabbing away the last of the blood from him. “I can maybe fool him but not Mary, she sees too much.”

She smiled down at him. He was still in a dirty and torn suit but now the detritus and dirt was gone and he was… well, more clean than he had been. He had gauze and bandages on him all over but overall he looked clean and healthy.

She nodded to herself. “Now time for the shots.”

He flinched away and she went into comfort mode. “No, no no no, it’ll be alright. Those raccoons may have given you a disease so I just need to give you a little needle prick and you’ll be all better.”

She held out her hands and made sure he could watch her movements, slowly making her way towards the cabinet. “I don't want you to get any nasty sicknesses from those bites and scratches so I just need a needle or two.” She stared him in his eyes. “I promise I won't hurt you.”

He shivered but he nodded.

It was odd, helping an animal that understood what you were doing on a human level. Pets were smart, they understood more than most people gave them credit for but that didn't mean they understood understood. This Isles Demon actually knew what she was doing, understood her words, and could speak right back to her.

She had to change up how she did things slightly.

She made sure the vials of medicine were in sight as she got her shots ready, her hands moving slowly and carefully as she kept one eye on the demon aside from her. “These are the shots I'm going to administer.” She explained, making sure he could see her every action. They were simple enough treatments: Rabies, Roundworm, and Salmonella.

“This is the Rabies shot.” She explained, moving aside his fur and lining up her shot before inserting it quickly.

“Ow!” The demon yelped

"It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“You promi- I mean, ‘Baa!’”

She smiled and shook her head, inserting the second shot.

“Ow!”

“You’re okay, we’re almost done.”

“This does hurt!”

“And here’s the Salmonella shot.”

“Wait, wait wai- ow!”

She smiled and stepped back, the sheep demon moving away slightly annoyed and glaring at her. It was… well, it was absolutely adorable. She giggled slightly at the sight and the demon just pouted harder.

“You were a good boy.” She said.

“B-baa.” He grumbled and she ruffled his head. A look of immense sadness came across his face as she did so and she actually paused, only for him to push his head against her hand.

“I know you probably miss home, buddy.” The demon froze up like an icicle underneath her hand. “I bet it’s been scary here in the human realm.”

He looked up at her with big wet eyes. “You… you know what I am?”

“Of course I do.” She explained, brushing off a few strands of fur from his little suit. “I’ve met beings like you before, you know-”

“You have!?” He practically shouted and she quickly shushed him, hunching over and looking over her shoulder.

“Look,” She explained. “I know what you are and I want to help, but my coworkers don't and they probably won't understand so I need you to be very quiet for me right now, okay?

The demon nodded.

“What’s your name?” She asked, moving over to begin cleaning up her room of any evidence he was ever here. She just needed to get him to her car after her area was clean of any evidence and she could take him to the portal door.

“C-Collin, ma’am.” He explained, a look of such intense hope on his face that she felt herself smile. “I’ve been… it’s been a hard year for me and my friends since we got trapped here.”

“You’re not the only one here?”

“No ma’am.” He explained, a look of shame on his face. “We’ve been stuck here for at least a year now.”

Her heart broke slightly. To be cut off from your home for so long was… it sounded awful. “You’re trapped here?”

He winced and looked at her like he was expecting her to yell at him, causing her heart to break all over again. “It’s… there was some, ah, unpleasantness with an old man and we were sort of… kicked out.”

Ah.

She had a feeling she knew exactly what old man was the source of said ‘unpleasantness.’ Once again, that old bastard Belos or Philip or whatever he called himself was ruining lives. Though it was a bit odd he would simply throw demons out rather than... what was it called? Petrification? Maybe Luz or Eda would know more but it was neither here nor there right now since she was needed here.

“Well, I'm very sorry that happened to you.” She said as she crouched down a few inches. “I think that it's very brave of you to survive as long as you have.”

“It’s hard.” He nodded.

“I hope my help can save you guys more trouble.”

He froze up again, staring at her in open shock. “You… want to help us?”

She frowned and crossed her arms. “Of course i do, i always help those in need and you guys have suffered enough.”

He looked so grateful to her that he jumped forward and hugged her tight, clinging to her like a lost child. “Thank you…” He breathed, sounding close to tears.

She smiled and hugged him back.

“When my friends learn we have some help they’ll be so happy!” He almost sobbed into her shoulder and she pat his back. A few minutes passed and finally he pulled away with a sniffle and a gracious smile.

She returned it, trying not to think of the logistics of how to get him out of here without raising any questions. “Now, I cant exactly keep you here but I have-”

“Oh, don't worry about that ma’am,” He chirped, looking happy as, to her astonishment, a pair of wings popped up out from behind him and started fluttering, causing him to hover at head height now. “I have a plan!”

She smiled and opened her mouth to ask how, exactly, he planned to get to the portal door-

“Camila? Can you come out here for a second?”

She winced, that was Dr. Nancy. “Just… ah, be casual.” She said hurriedly, the Isles demon saluting and looking determined as she carefully opened and left her op room to find Dr. Nancy and Ben looking at her confused.

Oh. Oh dear.

“Do you mind explaining why young Ben here said there was a purple sheep in your work room?” Dr. Nancy asked, an eyebrow raised as she stared at her.

“... it was abandoned by a circus.” She said again, sticking to her story.

Dr. Nancy raised her eyebrow higher.

“A circus?”

She nodded and Dr. Nancy sighed. “Cam, you’re a model employee so I'll cut you some slack and believe you this time. Please don't do anything stupid.”

She sagged in relief as the two of them turned and left, Ben looking back at her in confusion and disbelief. Maybe she wasn't as believable as she could have been but at least nothing else was going to go wrong.

“Alright,” She said, opening the door back up and entering her work room again. “I need to get you to my car before we can… get you… home…” She trailed off and stared at the completely empty room. The demon was gone without a trace.

“Hey!” Jenny yelled from the breakroom. “Who stole all our pizzas?”

Almost without a trace.

**********

“I have returned!”

The trek back to the hideout was far more simple than the trek to the vet clinic. For one thing, nobody went into the old part of town anymore from what they had managed to scrape together in the few days they were here. It was abandoned long ago, the perfect place for formerly heavenly creatures to hide out.

It was an old shack that the cherubs had chosen as their hideout, trash and ‘borrowed’ foodstuff all around. A simple table was in the center of the cabin and both the toddler-like Cletus and the yellow sheep-like Keenie were pouring over an old map to plan out their next move.

Cletus and Keenie, his two best friends in the whole of Heaven and Earth, both looked up from the map they were hunched over and stared at him in shock. “What in the Lord’s Name happened to you?” Keenie almost yelled out.

It wasn't hard to see why: His fur was clean, his mane was styled, and he was covered in bandages and gauze. He looked both cleaner than he had since this nightmare began and almost as damaged as that time they accidentally wandered into a coyote pack's territory looking for shelter.

That had been a bad night.

Collin, freshly cleaned and bandaged, held his pizzas high. He had survived the raccoons and survived the human lair and now he was returned triumphant. “I brought… I think it’s called pepperoni.”

“Gimme gimme gimme!” Cletus called out hungrily, his stomach growling audibly as he flew over as fast as he could only to be tugged back by Keenie.

“Hold on there, buster.” She said, still staring at him. “What happened to you?”

“Oh, I was almost killed by raccoons.” he said dismissively as he placed the pizza boxes over the map on the table.

“You were what!?” Keenie shouted as Cletus looked up from his near-starvation induced trance to start hovering around his friend.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? They didn't hurt you did they?” He asked worriedly.

“Of course they did, Cletus! Look at him!”

“It’s okay!” He said with a laugh, his hands waving them away. “I found… well, you’re not going to believe this but I found the most amazing person!”

He began to hover as he described his experiences: the attack of the raccoons, his hiding, the lady taking him in and dressing his wounds, being cleaned, and then learning that she knew all along that he was a cherub of the High Holy and wanted to help them.

“She wants to help us?” Cletus asked, shock in his voice as the toddler-like cherub sat down in disbelief. “Why?”

“Because she’s an agent of the Joybringer!” He said happily. The two stared at him in shock.

“She works for Emily!?” Cletus asked, his motuh hanging open.

“It makes sense!” He said as he began rattling off his evidence. “She’s helped cherubs like us before, she knows what we did and doesn’t care, and she is kind like you wouldn't believe- she even held my cover in the face of another human!”

“She’s helped cherubs before?”

“Said it herself, she’s met beings like us before.” He explained

Cletus nodded while Keenie looked unsure. “I just… isn’t she human?”

“Maybe she’s a winner in disguise?” Cletus asked, hope returning to his voice for the first time in months. “Like, Emily works with Winners all the time! Remember that one guy she’s always hanging out with nowadays? He’s a winner.”

The evidence made sense. “So… Heaven didn't really abandon us?” Keenie asked, her voice full of growing hope.

“I knew we weren’t fallen ones! We were just being temporarily punished!” Cletus said with a cheer, fist-pumping the air as he started doing figure eights with his wings. “They’re letting us back in! We can go home!”

The three cherubs hugged tightly, spinning around in the air with such utter joy that nothing at all could ruin. Heaven hadn’t abandoned them, they would soon be home.

“Alright, new plan!” Cletus said once they broke apart. “We eat, then we go find this woman and she can help us get back. Then we never, ever, ever set foot in the human world ever again.”

He and Keenie nodded along to the plan, determination in their eyes.

The next few days would be absolutely critical, soon they would be home and nothing would stand in their way. They had to start stocking up and fast, gathering together anything they wanted to bring back to Heaven, and preparing for however long it would take to go home.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

“So what’s her name again?” Keenie asked and he froze up underneath her and Cletus’ gazes.

“I… didn't ask?” He said with a wince.

**********

They say that Old Gravesfield is haunted, though nobody truly believed in that nonsense. It was, much like the Tale of the Brothers Wittebane, a folk legend with no real basis in reality.

However, if anyone was near the old town tonight, they would quickly become believers if they heard the twin screams of rage that echoed through the lands and sent flocks of birds flying in fright.

It was probably just the wind though.

Notes:

Oh gee, I wonder what I'm setting the Cherubs up for. ;)
Next Chapter: Eda sets up a double date with Camila. Meanwhile, Charlie and Lucifer have a nice family dinner.

Chapter 18: Dinnertime Conversations

Summary:

A double date is planned, and future plans are made over dinner

Notes:

So sorry for not posting on friday. It was my 28th birthday on Thursday and i was a little too busy to write at all that day so no chapter.
I am now 28, it's very weird feeling I think. And yet, I am happy.
This chapter was harder to write than i thought it would be, anyway. I struggled a bit writing it so i guess... idk, i can assure you that the quality will drastically increase next chapter. This chapter is more of a transitory chapter for future ones where i lay out plot threads for future plot sweaters.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Closing the door to her house, Camila sighed and began to roll her shoulders. It had been a long day.

Between having to explain that no, she didn't know where Collin the Isles Demon had gone (not that she had called him a demon, of course) to promising she would buy the pizza’s next time and pay back Jenny… well, she had a lot of questions to answer, none of which she could give the truth to.

Luckily, the idea that Collin wasn't a normal sheep was so outlandish that nobody considered it. Oh, she bet they thought him some chemically sick thing that escaped from a lab somewhere but nobody was going around saying “Oh by the way, there's an entire different universe attached to an old house in the woods and the purple sheep escaped from there and also can talk.”

Although, to be honest, if Camila’s life wasn't so weird and strange nowadays she probably wouldn't have believed that Collin was anything other than an escaped lab experiment either.

She should probably send a message to Luz about finding some Isles demons roaming around town. She knew that sometimes Witches would come over and try to intermingle with the town as part of an exchange program that Gus had set up but they tended to be less… obviously homeless and suffering than Collin had been.

He’d said he and his friends had been here for a year now… the more she thought of that, the more her mind said that something was wrong with that timeline. If he had fallen through a… what had Luz called it? Titan’s Blood? If they had fallen through a pool of that then surely they could have been able to go back? She wasn't sure how long it took for magical god blood to dry up but she was at least willing to bet that it took a while.

And if it wasn't a pool of magical super blood, then it had to be the portal door… but if they were banished through that, then why not just go back in?

She shook her head, the Collin and the many questions she had about him were not really relevant right now: He had escaped and she was a little miffed about all the trouble said escaping had caused. Not miffed enough to not help him, but she would at least frown a bit at him and his friends.

She walked through the house, kicking her shoes off and hanging up her coat as she made her way to the couch and just sank into it.

She loved her job, she really did, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard on her sometimes. She had some scratches and bites here and there collected over the years and yes, lifting some of the bigger animals was hard on the knees nowadays but that didn't mean she was going to give up or anything: Her dream was to run the entire clinic one day and help a new generation of vets to enjoy a life of helping pets and animals just like she did.

Just her and her own little animal clinic… She smiled and flicked on the TV, just shaking her head. Maybe one day…

She casually got out her phone and checked her messages, checking for any new ones. Just a simple text from Luz asking her about her day and one from Vee saying she was going to be staying with Masha for the night.

Essentially, she had the house to herself for the evening. She smiled and quickly brought up the recording she made of the TV adaptation for Cosmic Frontier: The Trek For Stars.

It was hilariously bad as far as adaptations go: It tried to make it edgy and serious and the actors were… not the best. Oh, she bet that they could be great but the scripts were so full of themselves that she couldn't help but laugh herself silly rather than rage at all the unnecessary changes and alterations to the source material they made.

It was good popcorn fodder that she could enjoy for being absolute nonsense. Oh, she was sure that the younger fans of Cosmic Frontier hated the show with a passion but then, she had seen worse.

A vision of salamanders danced through her head and she shuddered. So much worse…

Either way, now was a time to make some popcorn and laugh at a sh*tty adaptation.

She had just gotten the first bag out of the pantry and into the microwave when her phone began to vibrate in her pocket incessantly. The sound of popcorn popping rang in her ears as she took a look at who was calling her and was only slightly hoping it wasn’t work calling.

La Lechuza the phone contact said happily, an owl emoji next to the name.

She felt a smile appear on her face as she swiped open the phone and put it to her ear. “Hello Eda!”

The bushy haired and heterochromatic witch who had taken in her daughter and protected her and mentored her in the Demon Realm for months sounded happy as she chirped out “Cam! Hey, it’s been too long.”

She turned the microwave off and went to sit in a chair, smiling despite herself. “That it has, it certainly has. What, the last time we met was Halloween right?”

“You mean Samhain?”

She shook her head. Samhain, Solstice, King’s Tide… she had sort of thrown herself into learning the major holidays the demon realm had so that she and Luz could connect on something else. She had sort of been lied to by Urban Fantasy in that magical worlds would have the same sort of holidays that humans did.

Her daughter's other family had looked so confused when, during her time at Hexside, she had tried to set up meetings and visits for holidays that just straight up didn’t exist over on the Isles. Halloween, or Samhain as they called it, was one such example.

“I guess it was the Samhain party.” She agreed, drumming her fingers against the phone. “Still, that was a while ago now. Why don't we hang out much anymore?”

“Because I'm running a giant university and you’re doing Human Beastkeeping.”

She frowned. “I didn't want an actual answer.”

She could hear the shrug through the phone. “Eh, you asked.”

“Why did you call, Eda?”

There was silence on the other line for a few moments before Eda came back on. “I actually had an offer to make you.”

Now she was raising an eyebrow, simply waiting. She liked Eda, she really did. She owed the woman a debt that could never be repaid for what she had done for Luz during her stay on the Boiling Isles. She had taken the girl into her home and under her wing and from there helped her mija flourish into her full potential.

She owed Eda more than could ever be repaid… but that didn't mean she was blind to the woman's faults.

“So before that, I gotta say: Congrats on the new relationship.”

Okay, a bit of a turn but she wasn't going to complain. “Ay, thank you Eda. It’s still a bit new but we’re going steady now so I'm pretty happy about everything.” She was smiling happily now, kicking her feet back and forth as she talked.

“It true this guy is loaded?”

“He may be… He’s something at least.” She had her own suspicions that he wasn't what he said he was, but he seemed totally genuine that he was into her so she was perfectly willing to overlook a few oddities in the name of being with him. If they turned into red flags, though, she was perfectly willing to beat him with a chancla like she had Hopkins.

“Luz and Vee may have mentioned him being a bit suspicious when they visited.” Eda had a teasing wilt to her voice now. “Gotta say, it’s sweet that they’re both willing to look out for you.”

She laughed to herself. “Ah, they can be sweet when they’re not spying on dates.”

“See, the most I ever got was King biting someone’s leg when they got shouty. You get actual date crashers. Not sure if I should be jealous or not”

“They did help dog-pile Hopkins and kick him in the ribs a bit.”

The sound that came out of the phone was like the crunching of glass mixed with a cicada’s chirping. “That f*cker didn't actually stab you, did he?”

“Got tackled by a good samaritan before he could.”

“What’s a samaritan?”

She blinked. “It’s a religious term for- well, that doesn't matter actually. He didn't get me and got tackled to the ground and I got him in the face with some mace.”

“Ha, I always knew you were hardcore- carrying a mace around is pretty sick! I’m more of a flail and knife woman myself but-”

Oh, she wasn't going to dispute that even if it wasn't quite true. Eda might have been the kind of person to keep actual weapons on her person just for giggles but she was happy simply having some pepper spray.

She blinked, there was something bothering her… something she should be bringing up but for the life of her she couldn’t-

A purple sheep, a pair of wings sticking out of his back as he flew around her work room while staring at her with big ol’ eyes.

Ah, right. “Eda? Before you bring up…. Whatever it is you called about, can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Is it possible that a pair of Isles Demons could have escaped through the door and simply… forgot about it?”

Silence on the other end for a hot minute and her frown deepened.

“Eda-”

“No, I heard you. I’m just wondering how that would work because the answer is no. Collector didn't really make any alterations to the door that would affect memory at all… which brings me to my newest question: why do you want to know?”

She began to talk, telling everything she knew about the Isles demon she had found injured and hurting behind the Vet. She talked about the specifics he had mentioned: Being there for a year with friends after some unpleasantness with an ‘old man.’

“... and when I went back in both he and the pizzas were gone.” She finished up, pacing back and forth while the popcorn got cold in front of her. “Is it possible they simply forgot going through the door?”

“No, it's impossible.” Eda sounded confused, and that was concerning. “Maybe they fell down a pool of Titan’s Blood but there shouldn’t be any more! It all dried up and those natural springs that still existed disappeared after Belos did his whole Godhood crap.”

“So their story is nonsense?” She asked, suddenly worried.

“No, it's got to have some elements of truth to it since they’re there instead of here… I dont know, Cam. It's very weird.”

“What about the old man they mentioned?”

“Could be Belos… A few of the Coven Heads tried their hand at being his heir after everything was said and done. Nothing really came from it because they were more focused on fighting each other than conquering the Isles but Adrian actually came close.”

Eda slipped into lecture mode, her voice giving off a natural instructor’s cadence that made her a wonderful teacher. “The Illusionist tried to pretend that Belos had come back from the dead, even collected his remains in a little jar… He made the mistake of messing with Luz’s friends, though, and so he got his ass kicked and his petty empire crumbled. It’s not… impossible that his Belos banished the poor schmucks before Luz kicked him in the head a bunch.”

She sighed, not enjoying hearing that her daughter was getting into fights- though should she be happy she was getting into fights with imperialist tyrants? She would split the difference and simply feel concerned for her safety.

“I’ll try to find them again but I doubt they’re going to want to show their faces anytime soon if they aren't actually telling the truth.” She sat back into her chair and sighed, annoyed and tired by everything.

“They’ll probably turn up sooner or later, with our luck.”

Sadly, that was probably true. Though she didn't want to think about such depressing thoughts right now. “Moving on, you wanted to ask me something?”

“sh*t, I forgot! Are you and your boyfriend free this weekend?”

She blinked, where on earth did that come from? “... yes?”

“Great! Me and Raine were actually thinking of asking if you wanted to go on a double date so, well, would you be?”

A double date with Eda… the thought wasn’t objectionable, though it did seem like it came out of left field slightly. Eda had once told her she didn't do double dates, been pretty adamant about it, so it was odd that she was willing to do so for her so soon after Luz-

… Ah.

“Did Luz put you up to this?”

“She tried, oh Titan did she try.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as Eda laughed. “It was actually quite cute but no, this isnt on Luz’s behalf. It’s been awhile since Raine and I actually had some time to ourselves so I was going to take them on a date to the human realm… and who better to show us the sights than a human couple, eh?”

She thought it over.

It had been a long time since she and Eda had seen one another, and Raine was an amazing person she wouldn't mind seeing again. They could play such beautiful music with their violin and was quite the talented performer when they got over their stage fright.

She did want to go on another date with Lucius, it was true, but did she want to go on one with others?

“If I say yes, will you promise to be on your best behavior?”

“Who are you, my mom?” Eda snarked and she frowned. “Fine, fine, I wont do anything untoward while out in public… I haven't really been much of a wild woman lately so you have nothing to fear from me.”

She breathed a sigh of relief even as Eda complained about said sigh over the phone. “Then yes, you and Raine can accompany us on a date.”

“Ha, great! I promise you wont regret it at all Cam. Nothing will go wrong.”

**********

Deep within the halls of the Morningstar Pride Palace/Governmental Complex, Charlie idly picked at some Roasted Wailing Tree Greens and wondered about life.

Ever since her Aborted Coronation, her dad had been trying his best to make up for seven years of severe neglect. She… she appreciated it a lot: knowing that he still loved her and that her worst fears that she had driven her parents away were just, well, nonsense. She really did appreciate his efforts.

And said efforts led to today.

Every few days he would invite her to one of the many Morningstar Estates throughout the Seven Rings and they would just hang out and have family time. They’d eat dinner or lunch together, talk about whatever, and try to overcome seven years of awkward depression in single nights.

She dragged the crispy and well seasoned leaf around in the vinaigrette and sighed.

She loved her father, she really did, and she appreciated it so much that he was willing to do this. She just wished…

She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to think about that tonight, she was going to have a lovely evening with her father and recreate the relationship they once had.

Lucifer, clad in a casual suit and bow-tie, was waving his hellboar cutlet clad fork through the air as he spoke animatedly about politics. “... need to be better at dealing with societal changes and what not than your old man.” He said, tearing a chunk out of his cutlet. “I just, I didn't think that it would lead to full scale rioting amongst the Goetias.”

“Mhmm.”

“Like, half the estates throughout Envy now look like fortresses with how much defenses and barricades are in and around them.” He said in between chewing. “I’m pretty sure that they’re hiring anyone that can wield a weapon to fight amongst one another.”

“Yeah, that sounds bad.”

“I’m going to have to make a whole new proclamation to try and quell the fighting and the rioting. Who knew that trying to do right by your uncle would lead to… well, wide-scale anarchy?”

She said nothing, simply continuing to move around her food listlessly.

Lucifer paused, looking at her confused as his brow furrowed. “Char-char? Everything alright?”

'No, everything isn't alright and none of it I can talk about.' She carefully didn't say.

The extermination was only slightly more than a week away and her mood always soured as Heaven’s yearly genocide came closer and closer. She could protect the Happy Hotel easily enough but… she couldn't protect everyone in Pride. Even if she were to put a giant bubble over Pentagram there were still hundreds of other cities and towns that would be hit by the Exorcists and she couldn't do anything about it at all. Millions of her people, many of whom merely made one little mistake or a dozen even smaller mistakes to end up here, were about to be brutally murdered and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

She could’ve dealt with it, could’ve dealt with it fine before even coming over except there was nobody to help her out back at the Happy Hotel. Vaggie, Razzle, and Dazzle were off in Imp City helping her new security team pack up their things and get ready to move to Pentagram. She didn't like to believe she was… clingy, but she definitely didn't like being away from her lovely girlfriend for long periods of time.

She knew one day Vaggie would leave her, knew that one day Vaggie would shed her sinner status and become a winner in heaven. she was just so… so perfect that if anyone deserved to be redeemed from their sins it would be her. And perhaps she hadn't been the best girlfriend by selfishly never popping the question so Vaggie would remain having premarital sex out of wedlock with her and thus living in sin but she didn't want to say goodbye just yet.

Charlie was a selfish person who didn't want her girlfriend to leave her, sue her.

Vaggie had been… Well, she hadn't shot down the idea of never getting married so that she would stay living in sin, so she counted that as a win in her book to be honest. But it still hurt to know she was denying her girlfriend eternal paradise because she had issues about people leaving her now.

Her phone sat heavy in her pocket like a lead weight, the sound of unread texts and unanswered calls echoing through her head.

Mom… mom was probably busy doing something important. Too busy to talk to her for seven years since the divorce. She was off figuring out how to save Hell from the exterminations most likely. She didn't drive away her mom, just like she didn't break up her parent’s marriage.

She didn't do that… she didn't drive her away…

The familiar feeling of deep sadness threatened to overtake her and she struggled to force it down and bottle it up like all the other issues around her mom she had, plastering on a bright smile for her dad as she looked him in the eye. “I’m doing just fine, dad!”

He frowned sadly at her. “Charlie… you were silent for several minutes before answering.”

Oh. sh*t.

Lucifer looked sadly at her before sighing. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Can you tell me more about your new girlfriend?” She asked before she could stop herself. Lucifer blinked at her and she tried desperately to not freak out and cry a dozen or so apologies.

There, that was it and now it was out in the open.

Camila was a human, that much she knew… and that was it. Lucifer didn't want to talk about his girlfriend with her and that was fine. It was fine! Sure, not knowing anything led her to getting upset and thinking all kinds of crazy things about his new girlfriend. Sure, the Infernal News Media had painted a picture of some sort of horrible nightmare woman who would use him up and throw him away once she got what she wanted. Sure, if he would just tell her one little thing about her she would feel so much better…

Okay, it wasn't fine but to be fair she… she hadn't made it easy for him.

She had wished and wished and wished (she hadn’t prayed, she wasn't an idiot despite what most of her subjects thought) that her parents would get back together but that was never going to happen again.

She wanted her dad to be happy, she really did! She was over the blood moon that he was happy! She just didn't want him to get hurt again. And unfortunately with nothing to go on, she was worried that he would.

“Charlie… I know talking about it upsets you-”

“Because you don't want to talk about it!” She yelled out, jumping out of her chair and glaring. That was the crux of it, he wouldn't tell her anything and she got upset about it because she knew nothing at all. She wanted something, anything at all to prove her worst fears wrong.

Anxiety bubbled up in her as Lucifer stared at her, she felt like sinking into the floor as her guts started churning in worry. She wished Vaggie were here, her girlfriend would be able to steady her just with presence alone but she was off in the Circle of Murder and here she was in Tyranny with her dad.

They were hundreds of miles apart from one another.

“I just…” She breathed in and out before sinking back into her chair again. “I just want you to trust me.”

A look of pain crossed his face, something broken and depressed, before a small smile graced his lips. “What do you want to know?”

She grunted with annoyance before the meaning of his words sank into her brain, her head jerking up quick as she stared at him in shock and hope. “You mean it?”

He nodded and a million and one questions bubbled up to the surface and she struggled to find even a single one to ask. Her mouth opened and closed as a stream of pure consciousness threatened to break free over and over.

And finally a question bubbled up free from the others. “What does she do?”

He smiled happily. “She actually works with animals as a vet. She helps them get-”

“I know what a vet is.” She had actually gone down to Sloth to train under Auntie Belphy to learn the tricks and tips of helping others back when she began her road to the Happy Hotel. Belphy had given her so much in the way of ideas and advice and she would be forever grateful to the Sin of Sloth.

She missed helping Hellhound puppies. It had been nice… granted, she had spent most of her time playing with them rather than actually doing her job which may have contributed to her being asked to leave after only a few months but she couldn't help it! They were so cute!

Auntie Bee wouldn't have blamed her.

“She works with animals?” She hadn’t known that, and it was something. Working with animals was something that she could work with.

She still wasn't… well, she was still iffy about her but at least she knew she was good with animals.

That was something at least.

“Can you tell me anything more about her animal work?” She asked, curious despite herself. Her father smiled and she felt one cross her face as well.

**********

Lucifer wasn't blind. He knew that Charlie was upset about many different things but none of them he could fix.

He knew she liked the sinners of Hell for… some reason. He was trying, he really was, to see things from her perspective when it came to them but it was so hard when all the news wanted to talk about was a 24-hour cycle of violence, sex, drugs, and horror that everyone inflicted on everyone else.

If he turned on the TV and heard about one more territorial gang war he was going to lose it.

On top of that, he had an entire dimension sized kingdom to run so if he happened to let Pride fall to the wayside, well, they should have tried better when they were alive. He and Lilith had given them free will and this is what they did with it? Endless debauchery and violence on a scale unimagined?

He had tried his best with them in the early days. He had tried what Charlie was doing right now (granted, the concept of a hotel hadn't been invented yet so it was a little different) and he had gone above and beyond to try and prove to Heaven and Father he hadn't screwed up royally with the Apple.

Granted it had done unspeakable things to Eve but… no, there was no But: he was in here for that forever.

He shook his head, feeling the weight of a hundred eyes on him from all around the room. That happened sometimes when he thought of Eve while down here: he would feel eyes on him from nowhere, a voice on the wind whispering nothing, his Fight Or Flight would start acting up like he was some small prey animal in the presence of a predator…

He didn't like thinking about Eve no matter the location, though Hell was slightly worse than most.

And yet, as he spoke to his daughter about Camila’s vet work, he found himself thinking about a problem that needed direct fixing sooner rather than later.

Camila and Charlie.

He knew Charlie still idolized Lilith and there was nothing wrong with that! But… It made talking about his new girlfriend a bit awkward. He knew that she still hoped that Lilith would come back but it was looking increasingly likely that Lilith would never return to Hell.

He could forgive many things from the woman that he… that if he were honest, a part of him would always love, but hurting Charlie with her negligence like he had was a step too far.

But that was another problem entirely. First he should focus on Camila and Charlie.

He wasn't planning on breaking up with Cam, which meant that she would probably be in his life for a long while. A part of him wanted to just say f*ck it and let everyone deal with the consequences but that was the same selfish part of him that stayed days in bed doing nothing but existing and wishing he didnt.

He would… he would talk to Cam about possibly pushing the families meeting a bit sooner than later. He needed something that they could all do together to get everyone to get along and make peace with one another.

The problem is that he didn't know anything. He didn't really know much of anything outside of Gravesfield and even then, he barely knew Gravesfield. His options for where to have everyone meet were limited when it came to the human world.

Because he would quite literally rather throw himself at his Brother’s ‘mercy’ than bring Camila or her lovely seeming family anywhere near Hell.

He kept his thoughts to himself, however, as he spoke.

Still, he should probably ask her about having a date sometime soon… probably after the dinner since he didn't want to spend time on his phone during family time. He would have to be sneaky about bringing Charlie up to the human world, however. It wouldn't due to arouse Heaven’s suspicions.

If they learnt that he was regularly visiting the human world, or Father forbid if they learnt that he was planning on taking Charlie… well, they wouldn't learn.

They wouldn’t.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

As Lucifer delighted his daughter with tales of cute animals being treated well by a less-than-literal angel, he tried to think of how to solve the many problems before him.

Notes:

Hopefully that was a fun chapter and well worth the wait. Again, this was always going to be a transitory chapter for setting up future... stuff. Like the Double Date and the future meeting between the Morningstars and the Noceda's.
I know my style of writing so far has been hap-hazard but I assure you I have a definite end goal in mind.
Also, Charlie's 'selfishness' is taken from one of the cutest Chaggie fan comics ive ever seen. Kudo's to you if you know what im talking about
Next Chapter: We take a brief interlude to see what the Imps-Formerly-Known-As-I.M.P are up to and take a ride aboard the Stolitz train. I am very much looking forward to writing this chapter.

Chapter 19: Interlude: The imps formerly known as I.M.P...

Summary:

We meet back up with Moxxie, Millie, Blitz, and Loona and see how they are doing since certain changes came up in their lives
Also, we take a ride aboard the Stolitz train.

Notes:

*Ringing a dinner bell* Stolitz shippers! Come get your din-din!
In all honesty this was a chapter I was looking forward to writing for awhile. I was actually going to make it the 50k view chapter gift but then life happened and I took a break so that never happened. Luckily, I found a way to naturally incorporate it into the story so you get it anyway.
This was a really fun chapter to write and at 8.1 and a half K words and 21 pages, it also may be the longest chapter I've written. There will be longer, don't you worry. Especially during the Double Date.
Anyway, i hope you all enjoy some feels, since this chapter has a lot of them.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Wrath was perhaps the wildest and most rugged of the Rings of Hell.

From the moment of its creation, born from the blood and bones that made up Hell itself, it had been a wild frontier of a Ring: Vast volcanoes dotted the landscape, each one holding a molten orb of pure rage that bled liquid magma into the caldera below. They rose and fell with a certainty that one could determine between night and day depending on their height in the sky.

Barely anything grew in Wrath, the heat-scorched ground too baked in many places for plant-life. Those oases of natural splendor were rare and coveted by farms and ranches for their natural bounties.

For everyone else, they relied on the local Goetia to use their vast magic to make crops grow. Plots full of Black Corn, entire grounds covered in Carnivorous Lettuce, groves of Wailing Trees, and vast fields of Bladed Wheat were grown using magic to ensure that the breadbasket of Hell never stopped giving.

Oh, and apples. Apples grew in abundance throughout all of Hell.

Every year the Goetia would gather their local estates and farms together to curse the farms with the light of the True Harvest Moon, ensuring a bumper crop of produce that would feed the hordes of hell for another year.

To be a farmer in Wrath was to be a hardy and simple folk. Though it was slightly easier for Ranchers in that the beasts and monsters of hell were in abundance throughout the wastelands of Wrath. Was it any wonder that Satan’s Paradise was home to the vast majority of imps throughout all of Hell?

They flocked to the scorched ring, starting farming communities or escaping from the suffering of Pride far above. Satan allowed them into his Ring on the promise that they would revere him as a god. And so Impkind worshiped the Strongman of Hell and formed small communities around satanic temples.

In a distant locale of Wrath, bathed in the light of three volcanoes, was a simple ranch owned and operated by the same family since the founding of Wrath itself. Back then imps had simply come up with whatever they wished for a last name and one imp and her family had jokingly said that they had no last name.

And thus was the Knolastname Family, and their ranch simply known as the “Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch” born.

Producers of the finest hellboars for several dozen miles, the Knolastnames had ruggedly carved out a simple existence for themselves and found that it was good. They were farmers to their core and nothing at all would change that.

Moxxie Knolastname, he had taken Millie’s name in the marriage, was currently hyperventilating into a paper bag as he watched his very pregnant wife ride a hellboar standing up.

“YEEHAW!” Millie Knolastname, his beloved wife he worshiped every day, was several months pregnant at this point and yet the short woman had only gotten more active in her daily life: throwing herself into physical activities with a smile on her face and a laugh on her lips. Personally, Moxxie would have preferred if she didn't do any of the dangerous activities she had been up to… but at least she agreed to come down to Wrath until the baby was born.

Getting into firefights and bloodbaths would probably not be the best thing for the baby. Not that riding a hellboar around its pen while holding a knife in one hand and the reins in the other while standing up was any better but at least no bullets were flying towards her.

He hyperventilated yet again into the bag and tried not to panic as she reared the hellboar up and brought her knife to its throat with a crazed laugh.

“Calm down, boy.” A meaty hand slapped him on the back, sending him stumbling forward. Joe Knolastname was… well, he was a bit of a hardass. He had once disapproved of Millie and his relationship but now? Now things were, well, slightly better. Sure, he occasionally recommended he hit a gym to bulk up but he no longer vocally disapproved of his relationship.

Helping Millie take on an assassin posing as a farmhand and giving them a grandchild went a long way to mending bridges.

Joe looked down at him with an understanding in his eyes. “Lin was the same way when she was pregnant with Millie, she’ll be fine.” He co*cked his head at the boar wrangling Millie with a smile. “Sign that your kid is gonna be a wild child. You have my sympathies in advance: they're gonna be a handful.”

He let out a despairing wheeze as Millie flipped the boar over in the air, still riding it’s back, and brought it down into a dead stop on the ground.

“Nice one, honey!” Lin Knolastname, Millie’s mother and co-owner of the ranch, said from over by the house. The imp woman was currently sharpening a few knives as she watched her daughter begin fricasseeing the hellboar with a murderous gusto. “You show that beastie who’s boss!”

“Thanks ma!” Millie called out, Standing up from her kill and cracking her back, the babybump on her stomach pronounced. She shook her black locks free of dirt and looked towards him and Joe. “Dinner’s ready!”

He let out a little whine while Joe hopped over the fence and began collecting what meat he could from the messy butcher job Millie had done. Behind them in the other pens, massive and ferocious looking hellboars all cowered in total fear of the return of the destroyer known simply as Millie.

Millie struggled over the fence herself, the baby bump causing her to stumble slightly, before she stood before her adoring husband with a proud smile. “You see that, Moxxie? Five months pregnant and i still got it!”

“I’m-” He swallowed his nerves and fears and offered a shaky smile and a thumbs up that only slightly wobbled. “I’m very happy for you, sweetie.”

She offered a gentle smile, “Mox, I know you’re… not comfortable with me being active while all this is happening, but thanks for understanding.”

He smiled at his lovely wife. “Course, Mil. I’ll always have your back.” Even if he really, really wished she would maybe do less physically strenuous activities while pregnant. He wasn't willing to make an argument over it, however.

Behind her, gathering bloody meat into his arms, Joe offered him a simple nod of his head and he almost fell over crying.

The small family of imps made their way inside where Sallie May Knolastname, proud sister of Millie and local bloodsport aficionado, kicked her feet up on the table and read a rather racy looking romance novel while Barry and Terry Knolastname, elder brothers of the family, grappled and fought on the ground.

The exact reason for their current fight was unclear and long forgotten, they simply fought for fighting's sake.

Larry Knolastname, eldest brother and firstborn child as well as heir to the ranch, was putting the finishing touches on the table while making sure that his brother's fight didn't mess with the plates or utensils.

“‘Bout time y’all came in.” Larry said with a smile, his table setting now finished. “Just got the last of the fine silverware out for dinner. You actually get dinner, Mil?”

Joe went over to start up the oven, getting out homemade cast-iron cookware and beginning to fry up the hellboar meat. “Course she did. She’s a vicious little thing, ain't she?”

“Oh, stop it dad!” Millie complained as he helped his wife into a seat, getting an annoyed glance at his hovering. “Mox, I can sit down fine by myself. I’m pregnant, not injured.”

“I know, I know…” He sighed and offered a shaky smile. “I just… I want to be there for you every step of the way.” Millie smiled at him and he smiled back-

“Simp.” Sallie May said simply, turning a page in her book as he deflated and Millie glared at her sister.

“Big talk for someone whose last relationship was several years ago.” She snarked and Sallie May simply co*cked an eyebrow over her book and grinned co*ckily.

“That you know of.”

“... what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Yeah, Sallie May.” Lin leveled a stern glance at her younger daughter, causing the imp to startle. “What does that mean?”

Sallie May looked at all her family members staring at her, even Barry and Terry, and simply sighed. “sh*t, shouldn’t have said that.”

As Lin grilled her younger daughter about any and all potential relationships she didn't know about, Larry came forward with a glass of water and a nervous look on his face.

“So sis, i was thinking…” He coughed into his fist and tried to look serious. “I don’t know if you have thought about who you’re going to make the hellfather, but i’d like to throw my hat into the ring as-”

He and his wife smiled at one another as Millie cut her brother off. “Actually, we know exactly who we’re going to make the hellfather. He may be a bit… much, but we couldn’t think of anyone better for the job.”

Moxxie sighed and chuckled to himself. “Blitz is definitely more than a bit much, but we kind of talked it over and wanted him to be the hellfather from jump.”

Larry looked disappointed briefly before a sly smile crossed his face. “Then I guess I'll have to be the favorite uncle, then.”

“Satan’s mercy you aint!” Barry and Terry both launched themselves at their brother and began a three way war for the future title of favorite uncle.

Moxxie simply smiled at the scene.

His childhood had been… nightmarish was one way to put it, that was for sure. He had fled the family business first chance he got after getting out of Mammon’s Funtime Prison Industrial Complex alongside Blitz and never once looked back. The family business was not for him, the Ring of Greed wasn't for him. He left for pride alongside his newfound friend and made a pitstop in Wrath where he met the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and the rest, as they say, was history.

Oh, for sure, Joe and Lin hadn’t liked him at first but it was fine. They didn't hate him, he knew for a fact what hatred felt like thanks to Crimson, so he knew he had a chance of winning them over and getting the happy family life he had always wanted. And now he had a child on the way, his in-laws liked him… well, they didn't treat him coldly any more, and he had a well paying job with a boss who may have been eccentric out the ears but was at the end of the day a far sight better than any of the thugs, mules, enforcers, and hitmen he had grown up around.

Blitz would be a good hellfather… even if he was going to be insufferably smug about being picked.

‘Speak of Satan and he shall appear…’ he thought to himself as his phone began to ring, the familiar circus tunes playing out as Blitz called him.

He opened the phone and began to speak. “Sir, i know it’s been a few weeks but-” A veritable wall of noise came out of the phone and he pulled away to get a better listen. “Sorry, sorry, what?”

Millie kicked her feet back and forth as her father finally finished his prep for the future meal of Barbecue they would all enjoy. “So, Y’all think about names yet?” he asked from his position at the stove.

“We’ve actually been struggling with that for a bit.” Millie explained, downing her glass of water quickly. “Been looking online for any that speak up but haven't seen any.”

“I’m sorry, what happened to the business?” Moxxie asked, his brow furrowed as he walked back and forth.

“Ain't gonna find a good name on your interwebs or whatever.” Joe said, frowning down as he added brown sugar and butter to the pan to make the hellboar meat extra tasty. “Didn't have any of that new-fangled Voxxerwebs or whatever when we came up with y’alls names now did we, hun?”

“Sure didn't, sweetie.” Lin said, temporarily stopping her grilling of Sallie May to turn to her elder daughter. “We just threw a bunch of names into a hat and pulled them out each time one of y’all was born.”

Moxxie immediately began to choke on air as his eyes bulged out and he clawed at his throat with his freehand.

“You’re kidding, that’s how we all got our names?” Millie asked, shocked as even Sallie May looked at their mom oddly.

“Gotta admit, that's kinda weird that we didn't get wacked out names or anything.” The younger daughter said before she threw a confused glance at Moxxie. “Is… is, um, your husband alright or anything?”

Millie turned around in her chair to look at a horrified and shocked Moxxie who was scrambling to not drop his phone. “Babe, everything alri-”

“What do you mean I.M.P. Doesn’t exist anymore!?” He screeched, his voice reaching a higher octave than normal.

EVeryone paused before the silence was broken by Sallie May laughing herself silly, sinking into her chair as she loudfly guffawed. Joe turned around and began filling a cup full of beer, a sigh of disappointment on his lips. “Knew an imp running his own business was a recipe for trouble…” He grumbled to himself.

The brothers stopped their war as Larry loudly proclaimed “Satan yes! I still have a chance!”

“Mox, is that true?” Millie was absolutely shocked, they hadn't even been gone a month yet!

“Blitz just said that the business is shuttered and gone now, royal orders.” He said listlessly, a growing panic in his voice. “Oh crumbs, we’re jobless hobos now!”

“Like hell I'm letting my daughter be a hobo, y’all can stay here and work the farm like Satan intended.” Lin said seriously, crossing her arms and nodding to herself. Joe just settled into his chair and began to drink from his beer glass.

“Mox won't last a week.” Sallie May said simply with an impish smile, causing Millie to glare at her sister.

“I don't understand, sir! We were only gone a- Wait, what?” Moxxie held the phone to his ear and listened before his eyes bulged out and he dropped the phone entirely.

Before anyone could respond he dropped to the ground and scrambled to pick up the phone, pressing it tightly to his ear with a wild look on his face.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE WORK FOR THE MORNINGSTARS NOW!?” Moxxie screeched like a banshee.

Silence descended for a few moments until Joe dropped his cup and started coughing hard, the porcelain shattering on the wooden floor. Lin gasped, staring at her son in law with shocked eyes. Sallie May blinked a bit and co*cked her head to the side with a simple "Bullsh*t.”

Larry, Barry, and Terry all stopped their fight on the floor, shocked looks on their face as they stared at their sister and brother-in-law.

Millie? She immediately scrambled out of her chair, pressing her face flush against his and practically yanked the phone towards her, the screen cracking slightly with how hard she was gripping it. “What'dya mean we work for the Royal Family!?” She yelled, her accent tripling in thickness from shock.

**********

“I mean we work for the peak of royalty now! We're basically the greatest imps who ever lived now! Satan himself will be looking at us in respect!” Blitz was reclining in his swivel chair, spinning around lazily as he talked to his missing employees… did they still count as employees or coworkers now?

Eh, he would figure it out later.

All the personal effects and knicknacks he had collected over his life were now stored away in boxes as his desk was being carried out by flying red goat demons that looked more like stuffed toys than any demon he’d ever seen in his life. Pretty strong bastards too, they didn't even break a sweat as the two miniature demons lifted the oaken desk up and out of the room.

Loona was currently emptying out her desk alongside… Was it Vaggie or Maggie? He hadn’t exactly been paying attention when they first met and they’d spent the entire trip over with her grilling him about every aspect of his life and looking for any reason to kick him and Loona to the curb.

She did not like the two of them. Which was fair, he didn't like her either so far.

“Sir, how in the f*ck did we end up going from assassins to bodyguards in the span of a month!?” Moxxie, poor and smooth-brained Moxxie, asked all the way from Wrath. He threw a bouncy ball into the air and caught it with a grin.

“Well, first of all: we were never assassins, it never happened at all and nothing you say can change that. Secondly: Loona and I saved the King of Hell himself from a crazy homeless man with a knife and got rewarded by not dying!”

“... how does that at all-”

“Then,” he continued, blatantly ignoring Mox as he spoke aloud his recollection of events. “We made our way over to the princesses' big hotel and applied for a job. You should’ve seen it, Mox! It was glorious…” Blitz coughed into a fist and began his tale

**********

Blitz, mighty and glorious, strode into the Happy Hotel like a greek god atop a burning Hellsteed. The creature was midnight black with liquid flame all around it as it pranced and danced its way into the hotel just like he had taught it to.

“I have decided that the assassination game is too boring, and that I wish to do right by Hell and protect the Princess.” He said, his all natural horns curling gracefully down his back.

“Growl.” Said the gray-skinned sinner Maggie, hunched over like a gremlin and glaring at everything around her. “Growl, snarl snarl, growl.”

“Maggie is right, we are super grateful you’ll be here to protect us.” Charlie Morningstar was sitting on a literal rainbow, quieves puppies frolicking around her as phoenixes rested on her arms and trilled birdsong with her every word. “Though I would like to know your references.”

“My references?” He scoffed, his laugh powerful and absolutely masculine, his horse Buttercup whinnying in amusem*nt at someone doubting his master. “You don't need my references! I can kill anyone anywhere, and I'm the first imp to ever run his own business as his own boss!”

“Growl?” Maggie the sinner asked, her head co*cked to the side. “Snarl, snarl growl.”

“That is impressive, you’re right again Maggie.” Charlie reached into hammerspace and drew out a flank of steak, throwing it to the sinner who grabbed it with her teeth and began to death-roll like an alligator.

“I can’t believe that I'm in the presence of the greatest imp to ever live!” Charlie descended from her rainbow, babies laughing and flowers blooming around her hooves as she stepped onto the ground. “Tales of how you brave the human world have reached even my ears and I got to say: My dad was totally wrong, you guys rock!”

“It’s just the job, princess.” He said, cleaning his teeth with a toothpick like an absolute badass. “And now my job is protecting you from whatever dangers threaten you.”

“That's so wonderful!” Charlie reached into her pockets and began hurling diamonds at him. “Have all the money in Hell you glorious cut of beef, you!”

“You see that, that's why my dad is the best!” Loony said happily from behind him, staring at him like he personally wrestled God and gave him a noogie while she wore her “My dad could beat up your dad!” Shirt that he had bought her one sinmas that he never saw her wore. Except now she was because she was so proud of him.

“That’s right my darling daughter who can do no wrong!” He said proudly, reaching down to ruffle her mane while she laughed and started singing his praises. “I am the best!”

Buttercup whinnied in agreement and everyone laughed with him about how great he was.

“You sure are, Blitz.” A grand procession came forth as Lucifer stood at the head of the royal guard, his expression amused from atop his golden throne carried by a hundred sinners. “And in recognition of your services I have decided to make a grand reversal of fortune.”

Stolas, big and ~~beautiful~~ arrogant Stolas, was led in on a leash while he bowed before him like royalty. “Blitz, I know that I have only ever seen you as a toy but that stops now. I have decided to make you the newest head of my house while I become your lowly servant.”

“So now you shall understand how it feels to be caught up in a royals web.” He nodded to himself and Stolas preened. “No more derogatory names or treating me like a toy, from now on you shall treat me like an equal.”

“Of course, my lord Blitz.” Stolas bowed while the Morningstars approached.

“Blitz, for being such a stand up guy we have decided that you and your daughter shall be named Demons Of The Century for being so great and awesome.” Lucifer explained while a literal beam of light shot down from Heaven and wrapped around Princess Charlie like a blanket.

“I can't wait to work for you, Blitz. Your horns are huge and absolutely all natural.” She said with a titter.

“What can i say: I’m too much man for most to handle.” He bragged while his horns, now so long and large that they reached the floor and now curled back up to meet his chin, shone in the light. Maggie, now covered from head to toe in blood, hopped over and handed her spear to him.

“Growl.” She explained, nodding. “Growl snarl.”

He held the spear up high, Buttercup rearing up with a loud cry so he looked absolutely amazing, while Stolas clung to his legs like a demure maiden from those books that Barbie pretended she never read. Everyone clapped for him and chanted his name.

“Blitz! Blitz! Blitz! Blitz… Blitz… Blitz?”

**********

“Blitz? Are you even listening to me? That's not at all what happened.”

He was so stuck in explaining his accurate summation of events that Loona was able to sneak up on him and grab the phone out of his hands. “Hey! I was still using that!”

“Loona, is that you?” Moxxie said from the other end. “I was sort of waiting for somebody to tell me the truth about what happened to make us work for the Morningstars and-”

“What happened was that Blitz opened the door, threw away the careful speech i had written for him, and then threw himself at the princesses hooves to complain about loosing the business and how he ‘needed to provide for me’ so if she could please hire us before we become homeless that would be great.” Loona, his darling traitor of a daughter, shot holes into his absolutely similar to reality and 99% accurate retelling of events.

“It could've happened that way…” He crossed his arms petulant and frowned into the distance.

“No, Blitz.” She said, leveling a Look at him. “No it couldn't.”

“So… Do we still have jobs?” Millie asked from over the phone, the pregnant imp sounding terrified. “Please tell me we still have jobs!”

“That is… a great question.” Loona turned to look at him with a confused expression. “I mean, we lied to the king about you both working for us to save you from execution-”

“Wait, hold on, what!?” Moxxie screeched, his voice audible even from where he sat.

“Do that again and I'm hanging up.” Loona snarled before pinching the space between her eyes. “Basically, it's unclear if you still have jobs but the answer is probably… probably.”

“Well that's… something I guess.” Moxxie sounded so confused about everything that he didn't know whether to laugh or ask after him, so he settled for continuing to throw the ball into the air over and over. “Should we come back, or-”

Blitz let the ball fall to the ground as he scrambled out of the chair, yanking the phone back out of Loona’s hands as he shoved her away. “You and Mil just stay cooped up in Wrath, you crazy kids you. Feel free to visit after the Extermination though.”

“Also,” He stared down at the phone with a look of determination. “Since me and Loony now work for the King of Hell, it means if you choose anyone but me for Hellfather you’ll be cursed for several generations!”

Silence carried over the line for several moments. “Sir, you were always-”

“What was that, Moxxie? Of course the man who just got us all a job with the big boss of hell himself is going to be the hellfather? Oh, you shouldn't have!”

“Sir-”

“Tell Millie’s sh*tty brothers they can suck it! I’m hellfather now bitch!” He cut the call and collapsed down into the swivel chair once more, spinning around with a laugh. Loona rolled her eyes and went back to packing up her things while the door to their (former) office opened once more and Maggie the sinner strolled in with her ever present scowl on her face.

“I was waiting for several minutes- where were you two?” She asked, fists on her hips while the two flying squeaky toys dove in and began collecting boxes like Mammon Brand Gachamon.

He grinned and rolled the swivel chair out till he was looking up at Maggie. “Well, Maggie-”

“I have told you a hundred times it’s Vaggie.”

“Vaggie, then.” He continued as he rolled his way over to the company fridge, pulling out an energy drink before one of the flying goat butlers pulled the entire fridge up and added it to the impossibly big pile of boxes and equipment they were carrying without any struggle at all. “See Vaggie, an absolute baller like me has many friends-”

“No, he doesn't.” Loona said simply as she stuffed her monitor down into her box of personal effects.

“-and so i was simply telling future employees of mine that we’ll be working for the princess for the foreseeable future.” He finished grumpily, shooting a small glare at Loona who simply shrugged her shoulders.

Vaggie sighed and pinched her nose. “So you’re saying that you were on the phone this entire time while I was getting your van ready for transport?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” He said, bringing the swivel chair back towards her. “Shoulda brought the spider slu*t with you.”

“Angel dust was too busy flirting with the Lust hellborn fixing up the hotel to come along.” She said simply, trying to ignore the memory of his terribly horny flirting with the incubi who had come on Asmodeus’ orders. Already, a lot of the cracks and detritus of the hotel was gone and they were fixing it up under Charlie’s supervision.

Although it was taking forever because Angel kept distracting the hellborn with his… himself.

He shrugged, not knowing enough about the fluffy spider guy to determine whether he liked him or not. He was obnoxiously horny but had yet to talk down to him for being an Imp and he hadn't flirted with Loony so he was leaning towards liking the guy.

The spider had flirted with him though, so that was nice.

“Look,” Vaggie said, trying to keep calm as she paced around the rapidly emptying room. “I can't fill the Van more than I already have so we’ll need to start tying things to the roof before we can leave.” She leveled a stern glance at the both of them. “I am going to need your full cooperation and assistance with this, no more distractions.”

There was a knock on the door and she sighed in annoyance. “Or we could just have even more distractions. Screw it, why not?”

Whoever was on the other side knocked again while Blitz remained in his swivel chair and Loona kept packing up. “Are either of you going to get that?” Vaggie asked, her eye twitching.

“Nah, I'm not a secretary anymore.” Loona said simply.

“I would but it’s just so far away…” He said with an impish grin, reaching out and waving his hand through the air as he pretended to reach for the door.

Vaggie sighed even harder this time and marched over to the door, throwing it open and glaring at whoever was on the other side. “I.M.P is closed, come back later.”

“Whatever do you mean it’s closed?” A ~~beautifully~~ annoyingly familiar voice said from the hallway and he jumped to his feet and rushed over to see Stolas, big and ~~beautiful~~ haughty Stolas, looking confused in his fine red garments that looked like they cost more than his entire apartment.

“Stolas, what are you doing here?” He asked, refusing to admit how happy he was to see the giant Goetia again. But he was confused because why in Hell would he be here? He had ruined everything by not going to the hospital like he ruined every other relationship he had ever had.

Not that they had a relationship, mind you, because Stolas saw him as a toy and nothing more. So technically he hadn’t ruined anything because there was nothing there to ruin.

Christ on a stick, he was lonely…

“Oh sh*t, Stolas is here?” Loona came over and looked around behind him. “‘Tavia here at all?”

“Right here, Loona.” Octavia, heiress of the Noble House Of Stolas, peaked around from behind her father and smiled at her fellow goth. “Thought i would swing by when I learned dad was coming over here. Haven’t seen you in forever.”

Loona hopped over and the two goths, one a hellhound and the other an avian Goetia, made their way down the hall as they talked about weird taxidermy and occult magic together.

Stolas smiled at the sight, his beak shining in the light of the overhead. “I… Well, I am glad that she had more friends. Most of her old ones left when… certain things about me came out.”

“You mean when you and I boned for the first time?” He asked with a co*cked eyebrow and a sly grin, taking guilty delight at how the tall Goetia noble blushed and squirmed. The full impact of what he was implying hit him a second later and he winced. “sh*t, sorry about-”

“No, no no, it’s fine. Well, i mean, it's not fine but it is what it is.” Stolas said with an awkward chuckle. The beautiful co*cky noble scratched the back of his head. “Nobility isn't… well, noble’s aren’t always noble if you understand my meaning.”

“Honestly, I haven't met many other than Charlie so I wouldn’t know.” Vaggie inserted herself expertly into the conversation, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at the giant Goetia demon. “Hi, Vaggie.” She thrust out a hand.

Stolas blinked, looking down at the offered hand and reached out to shake it. “I… actually think i remember you from our princesses coronation, you were the sinner she made us give a temporary pass to the lower rings.”

“Yep, that’s me.”

“Allow me to introduce myself properly to our princesses' paramour.” Stolas made a sweeping bow, his black top hat almost falling off of his feathery head as he leaned over in front of her. “My name is Stolas, of the Noble House Of Stolas. It is a true pleasure to meet the one who has caught our princesses’ eye.”

A genuine smile appeared on Vaggie’s face as she dropped into an impressive curtsy, the sinner and the Goetia showed respect to one another and he felt… strange about it. Resentful that the sinner had never shown him an ounce of that respect and yet strangely happy that Stolas and she got along.

It was weird and confusing and he did what he did with all emotions he didn't like: Bottled them up and forced them deep down where they couldn't bother him anymore.

“Well isnt this just a nice little picture.” He forced himself between the two of them and brought his arms over their shoulders, bringing them close to him as he smiled at the two. “Vaggie, Stolas. Stolas, Vaggie. She’s kind of a coworker of mine now.”

“Oh, you work with Blitz now?” Stolas asked and he blinked. No Blitzy? No horny bird flirting? Just… his name and what almost felt like respect? Life had certainly gotten odd since he and Loona date-crashed the king.

“You… could say that, I guess.” Vaggie looked confused as she got out of his grip and looked the two of them over. “So what's the deal with-”

The two flying toys came by laden with more boxes and materials than a team of strongmen could carry, flying out towards the stairway as the elevator would never hold them up. They flew past the three of them and made their way downwards as they continued the task that literally everyone else involved with had abandoned.

“Oh, sh*t! I gotta make sure they don't break the van!” Vaggie rushed off. “If you guys break it we’ll be trapped here for days!”

The two of them watched her go before looking at one another again. A million emotions roared through his heart and he smothered them all in a wave of professional disinterest.

“Sup.”

The Goetia looked confused. “Are you and your little team moving out?”

How to tell your kind-of sort-of boyfriend except not really that you did the one thing he asked you not to: get caught, and by the one demon you never wanted to learn what you were doing? Simple, you don't. “Something like that.” He said instead of an answer. “What brings your bird ass over, anyway?”

Stolas hesitated and waffled before finally blurting out, “I would like to offer you something!”

He blinked and Stolas looked pained and heartbroken as he began speaking softly. “I… have been a terrible bore. I treated you like, like you would always be at my beck and call and it’s… it’s not right!”

Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't that. His mind began to bluescreen as Stolas began to… apologize.

To him.

“I… I have done a lot of thinking these past few months, about the… transactional nature of our relationship.” The beautiful bird breathed in and out, wringing his fluffy hands together as he looked him in the eye like he mattered. “I want… I want you, Blitz. But I don't want you just because I have the book you need.”

He reached into his back pocket and brought out an asmodean crystal, the pink gem shining in the light. “I pulled some strings and… I managed to get you this. It’s… a replacement for the book.”

Stolas looked ready to cry. “You don't need the book anymore with this. You can give it back to me and we can… we can never speak to each other again if that would be what you prefer. You wont need me anymore with this so if you never wish to see me again it will now be in your power.”

The big, ~~beautiful~~ bastard offered the gem out to him like a prized diamond, except it was so much more than that. “You may give me back the book at any time you please… and we can go our separate ways. Though if you would like to start over… Well, I would very much prefer that we start over.” He looked him right in the eyes. “Because no matter how much I love you, I want you to decide.”

It was everything he had ever wanted out of Stolas. It was… it was everything he had wished for: Confirmation Stolas cared, freedom from under his thumb, a way to become equal to the beautiful bird, a tool to cut all the strings pulling him. It was everything he had wanted.

A storm of emotions roared through him as he stared at the gem, his eyes never once leaving the pink crystal in fear of breaking down if he even glanced at Stolas. Stolas, who cared about him. Stolas who cared enough to do this.

Stolas, who he had hurt over and over thinking he didn't care at all.

Stolas, who he had left alone in the hospital because he thought the bird didn't give a sh*t about him other than sex.

Stolas, who he had callously left alone after the disaster at Ozzie’s because… because he had never once believed himself worthy of love. Not from Fizzi, not from Verosika, and not from Stolas.

He ruined everything he touched, destroyed lives simply by entering them… I mean, Stolas said it himself: simply by sleeping with the bird bastard his daughter’s social life was ruined! If that wasn't a sign he was cursed goods then he didn't know what was.

Maybe his father was right… maybe he did deserve the back of his hand all those times during childhood. Maybe he was just a leech that dragged everyone down just by existing.

~~Maybe he deserved Cash’s belt.~~

He ruined everything and yet here was Stolas offering him everything he had wanted out of the Goetia. No more Blitzy’s, no more transactional f*cking, no more being treated like a pet.

Just Stolas. Just his love.

Love.

Why in Hell would Stolas ever do this? He knew the answer but couldn't accept it at all. His feelings were reciprocated. Why? Why in Hell would Stolas care about him in the first place?

He stared at the gem that was a sign of everything he had ever wanted to ask for. All the emotions raging inside him fought for dominance and he felt his mouth open and words come out without his say so.

“I.M.P. Doesn't exist anymore.”

Stolas blinked, his eyes confused as he just looked at… at the imp he loved. “I beg your pardon?”

“We, uh, we got found out on our last mission and now we’re changing jobs to a bodyguard service.” He said casually, his voice low and even as he struggled to get a handle on his emotions.

Stolas looked at him and then glanced down at the gem. “So, ah…”

“Yeah, I don't really need the gem anymore.” He explained, his knees shaking slightly.

Stolas blinked again before the full force of his words hit him and he dropped the gem and grabbed ahold of him by the shoulders, shaking him slightly as his beak practically pressed against his face. “You were found out!?” He hissed, his voice panicked and yet quiet as he threw a nervous glance towards the elevator and stairwell for any signs of demons coming forward. “Who found you!?”

“The… ah, king himself?” He offered lamely, a nervous smile on his face.

Stolas’ feathers puffed up in agitation as he dropped him and began to pace back and forth anxiously. “The king himself!?” He began to hyperventilate. “If it gets out I helped you, I'm done for. Forget losing custody of Octavia, I'll be killed as a traitor to hell itself!” The bird began to freak out before something occurred to him and he rushed over to him.

“You- you’re alright, yes? The king didn't hurt you, did he? I don't- I don't want you to be hurt!”

And now the Goetia was worried. For him.

Because he cared about him for some reason. ~~Love, the reason was love.~~

A million more emotions raged in him as he tried to comfort the Goetia. “Hey, hey, I'm okay. I managed to impress the king and none of us are getting executed.”

“Is,” Stolas swallowed nervously, still looking worried for him. “Does this have anything to do with your job change?”

“Actually… yeah.” He admitted. “I work for the princess now as a bodyguard.”

Stolas blinked and stared at him. “You… work for the Morningstars now?”

He nodded.

“You got found breaking the laws of Hell… and Lucifer Morningstar offered you a job?”

He nodded again.

Stolas let out a confused noise halfway between a hoot and a squeak. “Why?”

“I might have-” Wait, sh*t, does the king want to keep his date underwraps? He shouldnt test his luck with Lucifer again. “Actually, I can't say. Classified.” He shrugged. “You know how it is.”

Stolas looked at him before a nervous giggle left his beak. “I’m- I’m glad you’re happy.” A sad look crossed his face. “I guess… I guess you won't be needing this then?” He reached down and picked back up the asmodean crystal.

A look of pain mixed with happiness was on the beautiful bastard's face as he wavered slightly. “I… if you don't want to see me after this then-” He swallowed before continuing. “Then I'll understand. I treated you… most terribly and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to see me.” He laughed, a bitter and broken thing that sounded in pain. “Of course I would never keep Octavia from continuing her friendship with your daughter and I hope you feel the same, so we can just be… acquaintances. Professional acquaintances who know each other and nothing more.”

Stolas turned to leave and something in him broke.

Anger, it was anger.

“You absolute piece of sh*t!” He yelled out, causing the bird to slump even further. “You don't get to just cut me out of your life after dropping all of that on me!”

Stolas actually stopped and turned around, something in his eyes that couldn't be identified.

“Oh no, you were a rich royal asshole! Big f*cking deal!” He stomped forward and began to poke the bird in his fancy vested chest. “I’m poison to everyone around me and yet you still wanted to be with me! I’ve been thinking for months you didn't even like me and now you not only drop this on me you go, ‘Oh bluh bluh, i'm just gonna leave and never talk to him again!’ Are you high!?”

He was snarling, rage and anger and love and comfort rushing through him as he glared up at the bastard who… who had a stranglehold on his emotions. “You don't get to decide if I want to keep you in my life or not, asshole! If i want to kiss you on your beautiful beak then you better believe i'll do it! In public! Where everyone can see!”

Stolas stared at him and there was actual hope in his eyes. “You… you want to kiss me?”

“Of course I want to kiss you, you absolute piece of sh*t!” Oh Satan was he blushing? He was absolutely blushing before the giant bird. This was terrible. “You said you loved me so guess what? You’re stuck with me now whether you like it or not!”

Stolas looked at him and a hoot escaped his beak, more and more slipping out before he was straight up laughing to himself. “Hell have mercy, i’m still being a terrible boyfriend aren't I?”

“Yeah, well, i'm also a terrible boyfriend so I guess it works out I guess.” He crossed his arms and looked away, still blushing despite himself.

“I guess we should- start over then?”

He looked back at the beautiful Goetia and smiled co*ckily, a devil-may-care attitude leaking out of him. “Sup, the name’s Blitzø, the ø is silent. You come here often, beautiful?”

Stolas just stared for several moments before giggling like a schoolboy. “That was terrible.”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because it was terrible.”

“Still haven’t told me your name, beautiful.”

Stolas smiled and offered a dainty hand to him. “Stolas, head of the most Noble House Of Stolas. Charmed to make your acquaintance.”

“Oh, you'll be meeting more of me than that.” He winked and the Goetia laughed, blushing like crazy. He frowned up at him when a stray thought crossed his mind. “So, about the kissing thing-”

Stolas looked down at him nervously. “Do… Do you still want to?”

The two demons awkwardly stared at one another before he began to lean in, Stolas leaning down to meet him as their lips and beak reached one another-

“Oh, for the love of Hell could you two just get a room!?”

Stolas and him broke apart with shock, turning to look at Loona and Octavia standing at the end of the hallway. Octavia had her beanie pulled down over her eyes while Loona looked annoyed at the two of them.

“Seriously, we leave the two of you alone for five minutes and you start having a giant sappy talk and try to kiss each other like a couple of virgins?” Loona looked annoyed, crossing her arms while Octavia just let out a noise of pure despair.

“Please, just go find a motel if you want to sort out whatever the hell the two of you are.” Octavia said simply, turning around to show her back to them both. “Like, I'm happy you’re happy dad but… I don't want to see you stick your tongue down his throat. Again.”

Stolas blushed and tugged at his collar with embarrassment. “Well, I'll… try to keep it to a minimum, my little owlet.”

“Don't make a promise you can’t keep.” He said with another co*cky grin, enjoying the way the giant demon squirmed. Stolas cared about him, he didn't deserve it but he had the giant demon's love. He was… happy? Yeah, he was definitely happy.

Things were looking up for him right now: He was definitely going to be the hellfather to M and M’s little tyke, Stolas loved him, he was working with royalty, Stolas loved him, he wasn't going to be punished for breaking Hell’s laws… did he mention that Stolas loved him?

Because Stolas f*cking loved him.

Nothing could break his happiness right now!

The elevator opened up and Vaggie stepped out, an annoyed expression on her face as the two goat butlers fluttered about like a halo. “So the van broke down and now we’re stuck here.” She explained casually before glancing up and seeing the odd tableau around her. “Did… did I miss something?”

“Yeah, hold that thought- You broke my van!?” Okay, he was wrong, something could in fact make him less happy about Stolas loving him. “Why is the van broken!?”

“Because despite telling you both that I needed help setting it up, you both decided to hang out rather than actually do the one thing I asked you to.” She said, annoyance in her voice.

“So now my van is broken and we’re stuck here!?” He squawked out, angry despite learning that Stolas loved him.

He was never going to get over that no matter what. Him, a living failure of a demon, had the love of a Goetia. Even his van being broken couldn't ruin things.

Though it could certainly try.

“Yes, we’re stuck here.” She glared at him. “Because, again, neither of you helped me!”

“Now now, lets all settle down.” Stolas stepped between the two of them, holding out fluffy hands to try and calm them down. “You may all stay at my estate for the night while I send for… what are they called? Mechanics? Yes, while I send for them you may stay with us for the night.”

“Oh, thank you.” Vaggie looked grateful and did another curtsy. "I, I don't know what to say."

Stolas waved her away. “Nonsense, my dear. Even if you weren’t the princesses’ paramour I would let you stay. You're Blitz’s friend after all.”

“Friend is a strong word…”

“Coworker then.” The Goetia smiled at her. “Come, come. I'll have some servants swing by to finish up the loading and we’ll get you all situated for the night.”

Vaggie smiled. “Well, this might not be a total loss.”

“Oh, it will be.” Loona grabbed ahold of her shoulder and offered a look of pure pain. “You'll wish you were sleeping on the streets before the night's done.”

Vaggie rose an eyebrow, raising it further when Octavia nodded sadly. “Tonight will be horrible.”

“And… that is because…?” The one eyed woman asked.

“My father and Blitz just confirmed their love for one another and are now going to spend the evening in the same home: what do you think is going to happen?” Octavia asked and a look of worry crossed Vaggie’s face.

“Well, I mean, so long as they’re not loud-”

“They are.”

Vaggie looked pained. “Oh.”

“This is going to be the hardest night of my life.” The Goetia heiress said sadly while Loona typed away at her phone.

“I'm just going to get a hotel.” The hellhound said and both Vaggie and Octavia immediately began to beg her to take them with her.

Notes:

Did everyone enjoy their Stolitz din-din?
God, but writing about someone who hates themselves is so fascinating to me, and Blitz definitely fits that. Luckily, his life seems to be going quite well right now.
Hope nothing happens in the near future to shake up his worldview and ruin his emotions :)
Next Chapter: Eda kidnaps her spouse to have a nice date in the human realm. And when i say kidnap, i mean it quite literally since she storms the government. No, not like that.

Chapter 20: Double Date: Part 1

Summary:

Raine deals with that most eternal of headaches: politics.
Then they get kidnapped and it's perhaps the best part of their day

Notes:

Hey all. That was a crazy thursday we all had now wasnt it? Site was down for hours... couldnt even access anything till it came back on.
Wish I could say that was why I didn't post friday... or yesterday but the truth is i couldn't write on Thursday and also I took yesterday to make sure that I didn't rush things in this chapter. I let a few scenes extend themselves so they could breathe. So... yeah. My schedule is all out of wack now so expect a chapter on Tuesday and Thursday and maybe Saturday.
Anywho, we have quite a few announcements to make right now: The first is that a prequel fic was written by a first time writer and the fact that that makes two different people who have written their first fics because of me... i have no words other than SQUEEEE~! Anyway, it takes place during Puritan times about Caleb so go check it out. I should have mentioned it last chapter and the fact i didn't is a shame.
The second story is one written by a cool cat from Spacebattles that continues the trend of giving Camila Noceda supernatural rizz in every sense of the word: It pairs her up with Wonder Woman. Yes, that Wonder Woman. Geez Camila, how come God let you have so much Rizz? Its rather well written and i recommend checking it out as well.
As for our second to last statement, i have a new editor since my last one went off to write his own story once more... I've mentioned it, The Silver Raven. Anywho, the new editor is a close personal friend of mine from reality who took up the job and I'm grateful for that. He's a professional editor, actually. That's actually why the chapter is very late as it's been peereviewed to ensure quality content.
That's... that's about it, yeah.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Raine Clawthorne, once head of the Bard Coven, turned head of the Bards Against the Throne, turned head of the Covens Against the Throne, and now head of the entire Boiling Isles, briefly considered whether or not simply riding out into the sunset and never looking back would be at all possible.

“... need to face the facts: we cannot return to the times of tyranny that ensnared us for so many decades.” Who the person before them was, well, Raine didn't actually remember. Derwin had told them and then a bunch of councilors had started arguing like they always did and now here they all were listening to an hour long soliloquy about freedom and liberty.

They would have liked it so much more if it weren’t for the reason this entire oration, belabored as it was, had even come up.

“Friends!” The multi-eyed demon said loudly, turning all around the room to all the new elected representatives and councilors that made up the new Republic of the Isles. “Titanfolk, witches and demons one and all: lend me your ears and tell me that I am wrong! Tell me that any in this room would prefer the tyrant Belos, that they would like to return to when our magic was restricted and our lives regimented. Tell me-”

He went on and on, and, at some point, they just stopped listening entirely. They looked around at all the others in the room and found that many of them were also nodding off.

“Our new Sovereign, long may they reign, has brought us to the first pitfall of any burgeoning home of the free: what to do when your monarch is wrong.” The multi-eyed demon, in their snazzy looking suit, cast a wide arm around the room. “Titanfolk, is it not right for us to question authority? Is that not what the Owl Lady preached? Should we not follow her example? Friends, we-”

They cut him off. “We’re not changing the emblem on the flag,” Raine Whispers, duly appointed Sovereign of the Republic Of The Isles by popular demand, said simply before they sighed deeply and sank into their throne. It was a simple one, no bigger than any of the other seats in the room, so as not to give them a big head.

That book Luz had given them, about some human country named Camelot, had made very sure to insist that a good and noble ruler ensured their subjects had equal say. There wasn't a round table big enough to fit the room so a round room was made instead.

“Tyrant!” the demon shouted. “The voice of the people has spoken, and it says that the flag is hideous and we need to change it!”

“We’ve changed the flag several times already!” one of the councilors from Glandula shouted out. “We can't keep changing it every time someone complains!”

“Then we have already lost our civil liberties!” the multi-eyed demon shouted out. “First we cannot change our flag and then what’s next? We can't change our leaders? Our Sovereign? Will we be moved about like pieces on a game board for some sick noble’s game!?”

And once again the Round Room fell into in-fighting and argument.

Raine would never wish to return to the Time of Tyranny… but by the Titan did they wish they could get away with just telling people to shut up and never talk about it ever again.

They hadn’t wanted the job; they had wanted to just safely retire and sleep for weeks and weeks cuddled up to Eda. Except everyone went crazy in the aftermath of the Emperor turning into a “giant kaiju” as Luz so eloquently put it (note to self: find out what a kaiju is) and nearly destroying the entire Boiling Isles for the second time in half a year.

Terra Snapdragon had wanted to be Empress, Hettie Cutburn had wanted to be Empress, Adrian Graye Vernworth had wanted to resurrect the Emperor and start a new crusade against all the non-believers… It was crazy. Raine had just wanted one moment of quiet to marry Eda and retire to the Owl House for the rest of their days.

Except doing that would lead to one of the Emperor’s lackeys taking over so they had rolled up their sleeves, taken their anxiety potions, and promptly got sh*t done. Through Derwin and Amber, because the idea of talking to the entire Boiling Isles all at once was still a terrifying experience despite going through two apocalypses and an attempted genocide.

And now here they were in the new capital of Bonesborough, in a rather quickly constructed capital building that they had fought tooth and nail to not have it resemble a castle.

The building was entirely circular, with a massive dome that topped the building. Many columns and arches held up the building and all around it were statues dedicated both to the nine forms of magic but also to the many ways said magic could mix and match into new, entirely unheard of forms.

In the center of the building, past the offices and meeting rooms, was a colossal chamber with many slowly rising tiers holding a number of equally sized and spartan thrones for all the elected representatives and councilors that the many towns and cities of the Isles had decided would represent them the best. Above the chamber was a beautiful mosaic of wild witches practicing multi-magic throughout the ages, while the center stage of the chamber, where members of the new Government or even anyone with an appointment could speak, was a massive glyph-circle that once would have produced a dazzling display of magical beauty.

Now it was simply decorative.

Raine had tried, oh how they had tried, to get away with having their throne simply be another one in the crowd: one that was just… there. One that anyone could mistake for anyone else’s. They had wanted it to be something that the people to their sides could sometimes be confused by and accidentally take as their own.

Unfortunately, life didn't happen like that.

What happened instead was that Raine had a whole vertical row to themselves. Though they had shut down any and all attempts to build a raised platform underneath their throne as that would defeat the entire purpose of having the Sovereign be a servant of the people, rather than just another Belos.

And now here the mature enby sat, holding their head in one hand as the other drummed divots into the arm of their throne as the entire council chamber dissolved into in-fighting over the pettiest of things.

Again.

‘Titan, what I would give for a distraction…’ they thought to themselves as a comforting weight settled itself upon their shoulders.

‘My witch is hurting again,’ Tilly, their red fox palisman that for so long had been hidden away as a simple violin head to avoid Belos devouring him, rubbed his head against their face as his words appeared in their head. They were constantly amazed at how soft and fluffy a creature made out of magical wood was, and yet petting Tilly was like petting a real fox.

“I’m just annoyed at everything,” they said, scratching the top of the Palisman’s head, still amazed at being able to do this after hiding them for so many years. They mused to themself, “I kind of thought ruling the Isles would be easier than trying to overthrow a tyrannical dictator and yet-”

“IT IS OUR TITAN GIVEN RIGHT TO COMPLAIN IF WE WANT TO!” a councilor yelled at the top of their lungs as several other witches and demons began shouting about marching into the Bonesborough Library and ripping up the new constitution of the Isles.

“I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN COURT FOR THIS!”

“WHY DON'T YOU GO JOIN THE TITAN-TRAPPERS YOU SWINE!”

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!”

“...And yet here we are,” they said, annoyed, as Tilly curled up in their lap and looked up at them with understanding.

“Should Tilly go find Eda?” he asked them, his voice full of curiosity. “Eda will be able to make them all stop.”

“Eda would probably try to solve all of this by storming the building and punching people, so… no. Please do not go get my wife.” They loved Eda, always had, ever since they sat across from her at the IFWOT. Well, to be quite honest they hadn’t loved her then, mostly just thought, ” Wow, that girl is really pretty and kinda cool. I should go say ‘hi’.”

And from there attraction turned to a crush, which turned to love, and now after so many different hardships and strife: Eda’s curse, the breakup over said curse, Eda going criminal, Raine going revolutionary, battle, uprising, attempted genocide, and two different apocalypses… Well, now they both had the storybook ending to their storybook romance.

Raine loved Eda with all their heart and soul… but that did not mean they were completely blind to the fact that the infamous Owl Lady would usually act first and then think about the consequences never.

There was in fact a very good reason they had never invited Eda to come with them to work: it was because Eda had her own high-focus job and also because Eda was… Eda.

“Eda is good for Raine.’”Tilly said, nodding his little fox head. “Eda makes Raine happy, so who cares if Eda causes chaos?”

“Eda does make me happy, yeah…” they said with a small smile, scratching underneath Tilly’s chin. “But, uh, I would rather just get through this day and get to afterwards.”

Because afterwards, for the first time in what felt like years, they had a date.

Maybe it had been years, their engagement and wedding was rather quick, all things considered. They both didn't want to potentially die in a third apocalypse (however unlikely one may be) not having been together like they always should have been and thus they had talked it over, made some plans, and then Eda invited them to the flower field they had asked each other out in, had practiced wild magic together in… and eventually broke up in. It was their field.

So they were kinda bummed out by the fact that the flower field fell into the boiling ocean with the lifting of the Left Arm.

f*cking Belos.

Either way, it had been a long time since the two of them had even just sat down and blatantly ignored any and all responsibilities and duties to just… be with one another and be happy. They were absolutely looking forward to this.

“Raine is happy.” Tilly said with a purr. “If Raine is happy then Tilly is happy.”

“Yeah,” They said with a smile. “Yeah, I am happy.”

“And thank goodness for that, you were looking incredibly stressed there for a moment, Clawthorne.”

Darius Deamonne, former head of the Abomination Coven and now, he himself duly elected, Vice Sovereign, came over in their fluid and ever shifting Abomination-leather suit. The purple muck twisted and turned like water in a machine atop his head as the dark-skinned witch sat down and watched the proceedings.

“You would think they would get tired of acting like witchlets at one point, wouldn’t you?” Darius muttered, his fine black and red leather suit matched with purple abomination leather lining shining under the torchlight. “I don't think I've ever seen them ever get along.”

“Neither have I, if I'm honest.” they said, slumping in their throne as the councilors continued their bickering. Oh, they were fighting about petty grudges and old, supposedly irrelevant, feuds and yet it all boiled down to the fact that this time they were fighting about whether the symbol of the new republic should be Luz ripping Belos out of the Titan’s Heart, or the Titan’s Skull looking down proudly at nine multi-colored witches and demons.

“Tilly wishes they would stop.” the red fox told them sadly. “Tilly wishes they would stop making Raine sad.”

“Me too, buddy.” they said simply. “Me too.”

They pinched the bridge of their nose and sighed deeply, a pounding headache coming on. If this continued they would be far too irritable and stressed for any sort of date.

A buzzing in their pocket finally drew their attention away from the political quagmire that was the nascent bureaucracy of the new Republic of the Isles and idly opened their scroll.

“Hey Rainestorm! You ready to paint the human realm red?! 😛 “ a cheery message read.

Ah, even seeing a message from Eda brought a smile to their face. A night on the town, a night without worries, no responsibilities… It sounded like their birthday came early this year. As soon as they were out they would finally be free.

“Derwin?” they asked the dark-skinned witch standing just beneath their throne in his own little podium desk. Derwin Wroot was a good kid, he had joined the BATT’s and then the CATT’s in the fight against Belos and had joined them in helping to create a new government out of the ashes the Emperor left in his wake. Now Derwin served as something of a seneschal/secretary for the Republic Council and was happy, if overworked, in his position. “How many more cases do we have this afternoon?” Raine asked.

“Eager to get to your fancy dinner date?” Derwin asked, humor in his voice and a laugh on his lips as they blushed and scratched the back of their head. “Yeah, let me just… Oh.”

There was a frown on his face, which suddenly sparked a mote of worry. “What is it?” they inquired tenuously.

“We have… ah, twelve more petitions from various councilors on the docket.” he winced as, simultaneously, a cold feeling spread through them. “I’m… I'm very sorry Raine- er, Sovereign Clawthorne”

“Please, for the love of the Titan, just call me Raine.”

They would not become a tyrant just by being called their title by everyone, but that didn't make them feel better about or more comfortable with it. “Are you sure there’s anyway I could-”

“I mean, you could call it early and save everything for tomorrow, but it will still take forever to pack everything up and get out of here so you might, ah, be a bit-”

Late.

Their first date in years and they’re gonna be late to it.

Disappointment and sadness rushed through them as they typed away.

'Work is overfilled right now and it will take forever to get out of here… I might be kind of late,' they lamented.

Silence for several moments. They began to chew on their nails: what if Eda was disappointed? Or mad? Or would just go on without them and leave them to their bureaucratic fate?

Finally, a response.

‘Nah.’

… what the-

'What do you mean, ‘nah?’'

‘I mean, ‘Nah.’’

What in the name of the Titan did “Nah,” mean?

They sat in their throne for what felt like hours, maybe even days, as the arguments finally died down and the councilors actually, shocker of shockers, talked to one another like adults.

“... don't understand what the problem with the original emblem was.” Councilor Strada said, scratching at the side of his head. “I mean, nine slices of a circle to demonstrate the nine forms of magic… It was simple and to the point.”

“It was incredibly boring and I'm glad we got rid of it.” Darius said unhelpfully. “Now, why did we get rid of the-”

The doors to the Round Room broke open with a mighty “Weh.” as a cone of power ripped through the wood, sending gusts of wind blowing out all around the circular chamber. King Clawthorne, part-time student of Hexside and full-time Titan Child, stood on all fours as his skull head closed, the Titan power dying out as he scrambled his way down the steps.

“Raine!” the cutest kid in the entire Isles, as far as they were concerned, said. “We got your message!”

A cold feeling settled into their guts. They stammered out a breathless, “We?”

“Yep, ‘we’,”

Riding atop her mighty staff, red robes fluttering in the breeze still rolling through the chamber and bushy hair wild and untamed, her usually ever-present hook replaced with a rather real looking prosthetic, Eda Clawthorne stood tall and unstoppable atop her staff as she glanced around the room and settled her mismatched eyes on them. Behind her, the guards that protected the burgeoning Republic had all either been frozen up to their waists or wrapped up in thornless vines.

A genuine and loving smile spread across her face. “Hey Rainestorm,” she crooned with such love that they struggled to be angry at her.

“What is the meaning of this!?” the multi-eyed demon who started this entire mess asked indignantly, still rubbing his many eyes. “Who broke down the- Eda the Owl Lady!?”

“Yep, that’s me,” she stated, rather bluntly, as Owlbert floated in slowly, making her entry as dramatic as possible for maximum effect.

“Show off,” they thought with an indulgent smile.

“I am here to rebuild my rap-sheet,” she pronounced happily, their son scrambling onto the staff and looking far too pleased with himself.

“Yep, we’re re-entering a life of crime!”

“And we’ll start… by kidnapping the Sovereign themselves!”

Eda clapped her hands together, spell glyphs activating and sending out thornless vines to ensnare them and bring them up to the staff. Outside, a few of the guards had managed to cut or burn their way free of the glyph magic traps and rushed in to try and tackle the Owl Lady only for Eda to grab some glyphs and activate them, sending a new wave of vines to snare up the guards.

Darius just face-palmed and groaned in annoyed despair.

“Hear me, Republic of the Isles: You will get your Sovereign back after tonight, safe and unharmed!” Eda cried out, barely stopping herself from laughing. “But for tonight… They are mine!”

And with that, Eda activated a last glyph that sent a mighty fireball arcing high above to burn a hole through the ceiling. She smirked and began to fly Owlbert upward before she flew out of the entire capital with a mad cackle, King laughing alongside her as the three of them flew off into the setting sun.

“Should we… do something?” Derwin, left behind in a heap of wooden splinters and bent gilding as the guard awkwardly began to repair the door with some construction magic. Everyone looked to the Vice-Sovereign who just sighed deeply in disappointment.

“Why are they like this?” Darius asked instead, pinching the bridge of his nose.

**********

“Eda! I had important work to do!” Raine tried to protest, struggling to say anything at all as the wind whipped their graying teal hair around, and yet the sight of Bonesborough far below sent a thrill through their soul as they watched the homes and buildings pass on by.

“And I said, ‘Nah’,” came Eda’s muffled, if firm, response.

Eda was still in her headmistress's uniform, no longer standing atop the staff but more safely riding it like any normal witch would do. King, clad in an adorable young hexside students uniform, scrambled backwards slowly and hugged them tight.

“Mom said that I could help you get out of boring government work so I agreed!” King looked up at them, his eyes alight with happiness. “You know what that means?”

“That your mom has no respect for authority and will do what she pleases even when I specifically ask her not to?” they murmured simply, moving an arm out of the vines and slowly petting their son atop his smooth, bony head.

“What? No!... well, yes,” King admitted sheepishly as he pressed his head against their hand. “But no, it means that I'm now getting my own rap-sheet!"

He sounded so, very, exuberantly proud and they almost didn't want to ruin their joy. They could, after all, see how happy and joyous his eyes were. Almost, but not quite.

"You're not going to be a criminal, King," they said.

"But we kidnapped you already?" King protested, a faint note of disappointment creeping into his voice.

They sighed, already dreading the absolute quagmire that would ensue in resolving all of this before the Republic Conclave. Oh, for sure, they would probably try to appease them by trying to sweep everything under the rug... but that would set a bad precedent. Also, it would let Eda off the hook for this absolute chaos.

They kept petting their adopted son on his boney head as they considered how, exactly, to tell-off their wife.

Before they could get a word out, King turned to them and began talking rapidly, joy in his every word. "You wont believe it, but I discovered another glyph today!”

They paused, and then looked at the thick vines all around them. There hadn’t been a plant glyph last time they checked… “King! I’m so happy for you!” They cried out, hugging the young Titan close. “When we get back, I'll bake you a cake!”

“Yes! Chocolate for days!”

Oh, they would regret that before long, but right now they were just so dang happy for their adopted son that they didn't even care about the fact that Eda kidnapped them from their job.

… wait a minute.

“Eda,” they began tersely. “Why did you kidnap me?”

“Because you’re not going to be late to our first date in years, Rainestorm,” she declared with mirth in her every word. Clouds strode across their view like fluffy giants, glowing in the light of the sun as the rays of the setting orb shone out like flame from a beacon. Eda looked truly magnificent as they angled their staff towards the Owl House. “You need to get a break from that place more than you already-”

“No, you misunderstand me,” they cut her off, perhaps more sharply than they intended, eyes closed in annoyance. “What I mean is: Why did you kidnap me instead of literally anything else!?”

Eda paused, considered it, and then shrugged her shoulders. “It was the first thing I thought of so I went with it.”

“Eda!” they protested.

“What?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused. “You’re not missing our date just because a bunch of suits want you to decide when they should wake up in the morning or whether they have toast or griffon eggs for breakfast.”

“It’s… a bit more involved than that,” they tried to explain, only for Eda to blow a raspberry at them in return.

“It's basically a bunch of overgrown witchlets arguing about the dumbest things possible for as long as physically possible and you know it.” As Owlbert landed before the Owl House, the ancient house built long ago, with its crumbling tower and eyeball glassware, Eda co*cked an eyebrow at them from over her shoulder. “Or are you going to argue that those idiots need you to settle their every problem?”

They opened their mouth… and then after a long moment closed it again with a sigh of defeat. Eda slapped an arm around their shoulder and pulled them into a tight hug. “You see? Now come get ready for a wonderful time in the human world with me. King,” she said as she turned to the smallest Clawthorne and leveled a stern look. “You’re in charge of the house while we’re gone. Please do not destroy the house while we’re gone.”

“It was one time!” He complained as they all entered the house, scrambling off towards his own room. "I didn't even make the house walk like Luz did!"

"Luz," She said with a shake of her head, "Did that accidentally alongside her friends. You deliberately tried to turn the house into your own private castle with a moat by making your toys come to life... again."

"Moats are cool!"

As King scrambled his way up the stairs, they looked at the door and the rather… fleshy looking hole in it. “Hooty off again?”

“Visiting Lily, who's visiting our parents, so he’s hanging out over there for the time being,” she explained as she traced her good hand over the wooden door. “Seems everyone is flying the coop these days… Titan, I'll be a mess when King gets older.”

“You mean we’ll be a mess when King gets older,” they mused with a small smile, resting a hand on Eda’s shoulder, who placed her own above it and held it gently. They stood in silence for several minutes.

“We should probably get ready before we’re late,” they said simply, moving away and making their way towards the stairway.

“Oh come on, it’s only…” Eda checked her scroll and winced. “Yeah, let's get ready.”

**********

Throughout the evening sky of the human world, two witches rode their magic staffs towards downtown Gravesfield.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Raine, now clad in a rather fetching pair of slim brown slacks with a white button up and a aquamarine jacket tied over their shoulders, asked nervously as they kept glancing worriedly downwards at the many humans who could, at any moment, look up and see proof of the supernatural.

Well, supernatural to them anyway.

“Relax, it’ll be fine! Everything I've seen says that humans are as addicted to their scrolls as witches and demons are,” Eda rejoined. She, meanwhile, was wearing one of her old red velvet dresses with darker red fabric over the chest. She’d managed to carefully insert her prosthetic arm into one of the sleeves and had successfully, if to her displeasure, been talked down from bringing the hook.

The hook may have been badass but it was not appropriate dateware.

“You know that Cam will grill us if another human gets a snapshot of either of us flying,” they said, anxiety starting to fill them at the thought of being seen where they shouldn't be.

“And I said it’s fine, Rainestorm. Nobody’s going to see us.”

They shivered in anxiety as the two witches flew through the air above the town, cutting through low hanging clouds as the sun began to dip down in the sky. Rays of light shone through the clouds and cast various colorful lights across the surface of said clouds into a dazzling display.

It was beautiful.

They had only been to the human realm once before: after Belos's mad rampage and attempted absorption of the entire Isles was over, Eda had taken them with her to negotiate custody of Luz after all was said and done. They had been far too nervous about the possibility of scaring off their girlfriend’s mentee's mom to actually take in the sights of the human realm.

And what sights they were.

The human realm was so different from the Boiling Isles: instead of red foliage, the trees rose as high and green as plant magic while the grass was like a sea of emeralds. The sky was many different hues as the evening sun shone its light upon the land but there were still hints of blue throughout it. Blue sky, what an intriguing concept!

The landscape all around the town was just as fascinating. Vast forests surrounded the town and seemed to blend in with the edges, making it impossible to tell where the town ended and the forest began. Rolling hills rose up like eaves all around as the trees, still bright and green like everything else, covered them like a blanket.

The wind was pleasant and calm, almost chilly this high up, and the scent of a multitude of flowering plants, numberless in their variety, rose up to meet their nose.

They actually paused in their flight, bringing Tilly to a halt as they simply luxuriated in the sensations of the human realm. A smile spread across their face as they just leaned back slightly and... existed.

"It's nice, isn't it?"

They turned to Eda, the bushy haired witch smiling as she circled around them with a smile. "I remember the first time I came to the human realm, it was... magnificent." She breathed, looking at the distant moon hanging low in the sky but slowly rising, donning itself as a crown over a vast field of stars began to peak like gems from the violet-tinted heavens.

"It does have a charm to it I can't place," they said with a smile, running a hand through their short and graying teal hair. "I've never been this cold flying except when I'm by The Knees."

"The human realm is colder than the Isles, it's true," Eda said as shook her hair back and forth like a dog. "You never get used to it, but it's nice, right?"

"I guess..." they said, just existing free of stress and duty. "It's actually quite nice."

"Good enough to want to be kidnapped again?"

They sighed. "Eda?"

"Hmm?"

"How about tonight, we forget about politics? No job talk, no politics, no duties, no responsibilities... let's just take tonight for ourselves and deal with the consequences tomorrow," they conceded, finally.

Eda's smile was radiant. "I'd love to."

They sat together in comfortable silence: two childhood friends turned high school sweethearts turned loving spouses. Nothing at all could ruin the moment now as the sun slowly slid fully behind the hills, the last rays dying out as the light disappeared fully.

"I don't want to leave this moment," they said with a smile, reaching over the gap between Staggs to grab ahold of Edas hand. She gripped it tight and smiled at her.

"Neither do I... but I also want to see Cam and her new boytoy, so let's boogie," she crowed as she took off again. They took off behind her, close at hand.

Through the air they cut as they made their way over building after building, until a familiar purple car caught Eda’s eye and with a pointed finger they made their way downward.

They finally touched down in an alleyway behind a fancy looking restaurant. Or at least as fancy as small town Americana could get. It was rather nice looking, all things considered: black stone with white signage, “marble” columns built into the sides to give it the appearance of an ancient Italianate villa, and a rather nice herb-garden out back with a topiary garden, or as much as the hedges interwound with flowering vines could make one, out front to give an air of ambiance to anyone walking by.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” Eda commanded, looking deadly serious. They sighed, a small smile on their face.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” they swallowed, tugging at their collar as a bead of sweat trickled slowly down their forehead. “No pressure.”

“Camila and her boyfriend are gonna be here any minute so let’s get our covers straight: I live in California with you and we both teach at Luz’s college,” she stated firmly.

“What’s a California?” they inquired, somewhat peevish at a conversation that should have happened hours before their arrival.

“I don't know but Cam said to mention we’re from there, i think she may have used it as an excuse before so….”

As Eda went over every possibility, they found themself smiling at the thought of just… having a nice night with nothing to worry about: No politics, no pressure, no duties, no responsibilities. Just their wife, a good friend and said friend's new boyfriend, and maybe some good food.

A nice night with no worries was just what the healer ordered.

Notes:

I feel sorry for Raine, they just want a nice night out with their wife and you better believe im going to bring the shenaniganry out in force.
At least Eda will be happy with the chaos.
Anyway, this and the next chapter are pretty much set-up chapter while i prep for the honking big Double Date Who-Knows-How-Many parter.
Next Chapter: Lucifer and Camila meet up first with each other and then with Raeda, let the shenanigans begin.

Chapter 21: Double Date: Part 2

Summary:

Lucifer preps for his date while a bunch of currently unemployed trtash gremlins plan the first set of shenanigans

Notes:

So i should probably explain a few things here. If you want to hear a few explanations for both the last chapter and the wait for this one keep reading i guess. You don't have to if you don't want to though.
So... Easter, huh? That was probably one of my worst days in years. First of all, i get my wonderful new editor and forget to post all of his edits to my work and unintentionally bring down his name with that. But that's an easy enough fix so what gives? Why did it take so long to implement said changes and also to produce this chapter?
Well... that's because my extended family situation decided to implode not even half an hour after posting it. Like, by a lot. I don't want to get into specifics if I'm honest.
So... suffice to say my mental and emotional states have been severely out of wack since Easter so i haven't been able to write until last night. This chapter hasn't been edited or beta read since I'm, you know, going through it. The next chapters will be back on a regular schedule though.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell, stared into the mirror of his personal dressing room of his palatial bedroom, his human disguise up and covering him. Many mountains of rubber ducks surrounded him on all sides of his room in the Morningstar Palace and yet there was now meaning to the madness: he had actually managed to organize the ducks into something somewhat resembling order.

He could even see his bed again.

“Alright Lucy, you’re pumped up.” He said to himself, twisting his head back and forth. “You’re gonna go out tonight, romance the sh*t out of your girlfriend, meet her friends, and be the perfect boyfriend!”

He hopped back and began to shadowbox like a fighter. “You’re gonna get this done right! You’re gonna be the perfect Gentleman and nothing will go wrong!” He laughed to himself as he summoned his clothes for the evening and clad himself in his chosen attire.

Blood red velvet shirt that was slightly unbuttoned, pristine white slacks, and a nice looking white suit jacket with red underlining that Ozzie had instructed him to wear over his shoulders like a cloak rather than actually wear. He grabbed a comb and began to fix up his golden locks until they looked properly stylish.

He wanted to look his best, after all.

He had attended all sorts of different functions throughout the Seven Rings of Hell and the Nine Circles of Pride. He had held balls in sweeping palaces and attended court in glorious halls, he had been dragged from Goetia Castle to Goetia Castle and had made his home into the most opulent and decadent citadel in all of Hell in an attempt to try and recreate paradise to no avail.

Lilith had enjoyed his attempts to make Hell more livable for the two of them and he had enjoyed making her smile. She had always enjoyed his many attempts to praise and worship her through his actions and flirting… he wondered when she had stopped.

He crushed down the growing shadow of depression within him and focused on the positives: he had attended and held many ritzy functions before this and thus had experience looking his best. Which he would need for his date tonight.

Camila had invited him to a nice restaurant, something classier than their first official date had been, and invited some friends on a double date. He had been ecstatic: not only an attempt to romance Camila again, but an attempt to impress her human friends and leave a good impression on them? Sign him the hell up!

He popped his shirt collar and tried for a devilish grin… before cringing away from how corny it looked. Devilish and I-Dont-Care were not good looks for him, plus it might turn away her friends which was the last thing he wanted. No, tonight was a night for being classy.

He could do classy, he was the King of Hell for Father’s sake!

“Alright… and that should… about… do it!” He cried out happily as he finished up his hair and stepped away. He looked into the mirror and liked what he saw, a smile blooming on his lips as he twirled around and began to pace back and forth.

Meeting her friends was an important step, he wouldn’t want to ruin any of this and leave a bad impression: doing that and he may as well kiss his relationship with Cam goodbye and then what will he do? Stay cooped up in his room for another seven years with his rubber ducks!?

No, never again. He wouldn't let his depression win like that again.

He carefully didn't look at the bottle of antidepressants sitting on his bedside table that Belphegor had gifted him. No, he certainly wouldn't let his depression win again…

The horrible beast inside his mind tried to rear up but he fought it back, forcing it back in the corner where it would wait for another opportunity to come forward and reap havoc throughout his mind. More nights left just sitting around doing nothing, being nothing…

No, no no no. Nope. No time for depression when he had a wonderful date tonight.

A date he would succeed in: he would win over Cam’s friends and win over Cam’s heart tonight. He had even talked with his friends about what to do: He had Mammon's advice for his human disguise and Ozzie’s for flirting, he had this in the bag.

Thoughts of his troupe of Sins brought a frown to his face. Cam was introducing him to her friends so it would stand to reason that pretty soon he would have to introduce her… to them. They were his troupe: his best friends who had fallen with him after everything went down with the Apple and Eve. Where even his Archivists had turned their noses up at him and left him to his fate, they were there to tell Father to screw off and fall with him and Lilith out of solidarity.

He would always be grateful for knowing them and since Cam was introducing her friends to him it was only fair he did the same.

That… would be a slight problem.

He wasn't ashamed of them or anything… okay, he was sometimes ashamed of knowing Mammon but only sometimes! He could be kind of nice when he wasn't being a misogynistic, greedy, classist piece of sh*t. And Satan: he was like another brother to him when he wasn't being a roided-up rage machine obsessed with fighting anything that moved.

… okay, maybe he should keep it cool and drip feed his troupe to her. Maybe just start with Bee or Ozzie and go from there. Bee was a riot and knew how to rein herself in from her overindulgence when the chips were down and Ozzie? Ozzie was such a hoot! A deeply and openly sexual one but a good friend nonetheless.

He could invite Fizz! And what’s his name that was making the Goetia even madder than they already are, Tornado maybe? No, it started with a V… either way, it would be nice to just hang out with his friends again and introduce Cam to them.

Oh Father, he was going to have to spill the beans about Cam being human… and his trips to the human realm… and coach them on how to pretend to be human. It was working for him so far so why not them? He hadn't raised a single suspicion so far so he was clearly good at pretending to be human.

This could work, reciprocating a Friend Meeting between Cam and the Sins could work… He could even invite Charlie along and make it a family meeting! Really get the ball rolling on setting up a family meeting between them all.

He was certain that if he could just get Char-char and Cam into the same room his darling daughter would see the same thing in Cam that he did and everything would be swell afterwards. The plan began knitting together in his mind as he summoned up his royal scepter/cane and opened a portal to the human world: all he needed was to broach the topic to Cam in an organic and totally-not-at-all rushed way. He could do that, he convinced Lilith to marry him… somehow.

He felt a smirk appear across his lips as he danced through the portal. Yes, indeed, everything was knitting together perfectly. First he sweeps Cam off her feet, then he completely charms her friends, then he brings up introducing Char-char, then everyone is happy forever.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

**********

Lucifer did a little shimmy as he made his way down the sidewalk of Gravesfield. He was hyped up and ready for romance!

Tonight was going to go swimmingly, he just knew it. So long as he didn't forget the advice or tips he had been given then he was pretty much going to absolutely nail this.

“Alright Lucy, just remember what Ozzie told you and everything will be okay.” He mumbled to himself as made his way through the town. The evening air was gentle and decently chilled as the last rays of light bathed the town in a myriad of warm colors. People were out and about as they enjoyed the nice weather and he found himself smiling along and even complimenting people he passed by.

“You look nice today!” He told an elderly looking priest as he passed him by, the balding man with thick glasses pausing to smile brightly at him.

“Why thank you, sir! May God bless you on this wonderful eve.” The priest smiled brightly and he smiled even brighter.

“He won't, but thank you anyway!” The balding man paused, frowned, and then shrugged and walked away.

Yes indeed, Lucifer Morningstar found this to be a quite enjoyable evening indeed and it hadn't even truly begun yet.

As he passed by an Italian eatery, he grabbed a hold of a lamppost and began to swing around it gracefully, a laugh on his lips as he just enjoyed life. The lamppost turned on above him alongside the rest of the street lights, the shadows of clouds passing overhead while far quicker shadows darted between them.

He actually skipped off the concrete post holder and did one last shimmy before turning the corner towards the entrance where Camila said she’d be waiting. He had exactly one chance to not screw up his entrance and he would take it. Ozzie’s advice came up in his mind and he smiled before quickly turning and entering what he considered a cool and relaxed pose.

“Hey, Good Lookin’” He drawled, his eyes closed and a finger beneath his chin. “What brings you to… to a… a…” He made a critical error.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

Every last piece of advice fled his mind as he looked at the truly beautiful woman before him in a gorgeous black dress that was slim on the body and yet poofy in the sleeves. The top around her chest seemed to be embroidered with rhinestones and it matched the simple purse she wore on her side.

Camila looked absolutely stunning and he couldn’t think of a word to say, not one bit of advice from the Sin of Lust staying in his mind as he simply stared with his jaw hanging open like an absolute idiot.

Cam looked at him and smiled, her cheeks a bit pink. “Oh my! You certainly look stunning this evening.” She smiled at him and he swore he almost forgot his own name.

‘Say something you idiot!’ One half of his mind yelled at him.

‘Pretty lady… pretty…’ the other half mumbled distractedly.

All his carefully laid and interwoven plans, all ruined because Cam looked like an absolute knockout.

She waited for him to say something back, which was fair because he was waiting for the same thing to happen. Finally a look of confusion came across her face and something ended up being blurted out.

“Pretty!”

Oh dear Father, he felt like a freshly created angel again! Where was the suave and cool King he promised Ozzie he would be? Where was the calm and collected Sin of Pride now?

‘Ozzie, I'm sorry. I failed you.’ He mentally wailed as his face burned with embarrassment and Cam quickly hid a titter with her hand. “I mean,” He stressed. “You look very pretty tonight, Camila.”

“It’s certainly been a very long time since I've gotten that reaction out of anyone.” She laughed to herself and he finally found an inroad.

“Then the people of this town must be blind.” He said with a grin and a wink.

She laughed and pushed his shoulder slightly, a mad blush on her cheeks as she looked him up and down, a smirk appearing on her lips. “Do you own anything that doesn't look more expensive than my house?”

He blinked and looked down at his clothes. “That depends,” he asked, with genuine concern in his voice. “How much is your house?”

A snort and a laugh was all the answer he got as he decided to lean against one of the fake marble columns out in front. He didn't even need to look to know they were fake, he’d seen enough Lust Ring home remodeling shows to know real marble from fake.

Also, you know, he was the King of Hell and his palace in Envy was made of Marble.

“I’m sorry,” He said suddenly. “I’m still kind of stuck on how great you look tonight.” Wait, sh*t, Ozzie had warned him about something like this. “Not that you don't normally look great!” He panicked. “You look just as great as always, but-”

“Lucius?” She interrupted him, with both burning cheeks and a gentle smile on her face.

“I get it… and thank you.”

He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled nervously. “So… uh, what made you decide to introduce me to your friends?”

She leaned against the column next to him, looking up at the sky. “Oh, Eda called me up and asked if she and Raine could join us on a date. The two of them haven't been on one in a while and I thought it would be nice of them to join us.”

He made a noise of agreement, another lance of guilt working its way through him at the thought that he had yet to introduce anyone from his side of things to her. He may have wanted her as far away from Hell as physically possible but… but she was introducing her life to him so it was only fair that he do the same.

At least, the parts of his life that he actually wanted to show off.

“I promise to live up to your trust then.” He said, to which she pushed on his shoulder again.

“You’ll be fine.” Her smile turned brittle and a little nervous as she looked away from him. “ It’s not you I'm worried about this evening…”

“Hmm?”

“Oh, nothing!” She waved away his raised eyebrow with a loud laugh as they both fell into companionable silence.

“Anything you can tell me about the two of them?” He asked her as the silence dragged on.

“Oh!” She continued looking away from him so he couldn't see her face. “They’re both from… California! Yes, California. They met Luz in art school and are teaching her magi- Movie Magic!”

Oh, he knew what those were! California was supposed to be the Ring of Pride except on Earth while movie magic- “Luz is thinking of being an actress?” He may not have experience with movies and what not but if she wanted to be an actress then more power to her, he would never rain on someone’s dreams.

Not even Charlie’s, no matter how much it would devastate him when Heaven took her dream and destroyed it before her very eyes. Part of him wanted to intervene-

“I want my father back.”

-but he wouldn’t. He would support her no matter what because he had failed miserably already and refused to do so again. Speaking of Charlie…

“You know…” He began, fiddling with his thumbs and looking to the side. “I’ve… kind of met your family, you know?”

“I wouldn't call ‘Helping my daughters calm down after Jacob came at me with a knife.’ meeting them but I suppose it counts.” She said, watching the clouds pass on by.

He smothered up the flare of rage at the impudent human filth man and focused on the important bits. “Well… then how about we make it an official meeting?” He reached up to tug at his collar nervously. “I was thinking-”

“Hey, Cam! What’s up?”

One of the oddest women Lucifer had ever seen in his life walked up to the pair of them. He actually blinked just from the sight. She was taller than him, because most people and demons were, except she was almost taller than Charlie and her incredibly bushy white hair was tied back with three golden bands. A mismatched pair of eyes, one gray and the other golden, stared out happily at his girlfriend while a bronze prosthetic hand waved at the two of them. She was clad in a knee-length red dress with a black diadem right below the neck and what looked to be an owl on her shoulder.

Beside her was a far more normal looking person: graying teal hair and tanned skin with some particularly large and tear shaped scars running down their eyes like streams. An aquamarine jacket was hung over their shoulders much like his was and they wore a pair of dark brown slacks and a white button up. A fox fur scarf was wrapped around their neck as the pair walked up to them.

“Eda! Good to see you again.” Cam rushed forward and hugged the bushy haired titaness tightly, the heterochromatic mystery lady now known as Eda reaching over with their bronze prosthetic and ruffling Cam’s hair fondly.

He, meanwhile, was focused on making his first good impression on Cam’s friends. “Hey!” He called out to the mystery person with the fox scarf, smiling widely as he started finger gunning. “You have a coat cape- I have a coat cape! Coat cape buddies!”

He paused for his hilarious and absolutely relatable statement to win over the teal haired person before him. They just stared slightly confused at him as Cam and her friend Eda looked ready to laugh.

“So this is your new boyfriend?” The bushy haired Eda asked with a swallowed chuckle.

“Ay- be nice.” Cam warned with a giggle, walking over to sling an arm over his shoulder. “I think he’s cute.”

“It was kind of adorable, I’ll give him that.” The teal haired person said with a small smile before reaching out a hand. “Hi, I’m Raine.”

“Lucius.” So far so good. He had this in the bag so far.

“And I’m Eda!” The bushy haired woman leaned over and looked him up and down. “You’re a lot shorter than I expected.”

“Eda.” Camila and Raine both said with frowns but he simply laughed and waved it off.

“You’d be surprised how often I hear that.” He rolled his eyes. “So… you’re the mysterious friend that Cam wanted to introduce this evening.”

“Yep!” She drew herself up and struck a pose. “You’re looking at Eda Clawthorne, the infamous-”

Raine coughed into a fist and nudged their wife. “-Headmistress of the-”

Camila coughed and now Eda was just straight up frowning. “-University of California.” She finished lamely.

He blinked and co*cked his head to the side. “How does being a headmistress make you infamous?”

Both Cam and Raine leveled stern looks at the bushy haired woman who simply shrugged. “I’ll tell you when I figure it out myself.”

“Wha-”

“Anyway!” She pulled Raine in close and stared lovingly at them. “This is my adorable spouse, Raine. They're a… musician.”

“Oh?” He perked up, happy to find another in road. “What do you play?”

Raine smiled bashfully and rubbed the back of their head, their gaze turned away from his. “I… play the violin.”

“No way! Me too!”

All three of them stared at him as he became overly excitable once more. “I actually started off on the Kinnor but kept up with various instruments over the years. The fiddle is my favorite and I’m… well, I’m not terrible at it.”

Whatever nervousness existed in Raine seemed to evaporate like morning mist as they stared at him kindly. “I actually got my start around my teens when I met my pal- well, when I found an instrument that’s stuck with me for years and years.” The scarf seemed to move slightly but it was probably the wind. “I usually play Left Arm Swing or Shin Waltz.”

Cam sighed and he shrugged at the confusing terms. “I have no idea what either of those are, but I play Bluegrass.” He co*cked a grin, “Maybe a bit of country but only with Sa-aaam. With Sam. My friend Sam.”

“I usually play with a few of my students, last time we played at an… antigovernmental protest.”

“Oh, that’s cool. The last time my friends and I played music together we were in Georgia and lost badly to some schmuck named Johnny.” He grumbled and kicked the air. “Lost my favorite fiddle to that nerd…”

“Sorry to hear that.” Raine looked sympathetic as they stared at him. They raised a hand to rub along the fox fur around their neck as they looked away. “Can’t imagine losing my violin to anyone. I actually used to hide it away because I was afraid of… my boss finding it.”

“Your boss sounds like a dick if he doesn't like violins.”

All three of them laughed and he wondered if he was missing something.

“As much as I want to see Raine geek out over music, we should probably get in the restaurant.” Eda patted her stomach as she sauntered her way towards the doors. “I’m kind of hungry to be honest.”

Lucifer nodded and squared his shoulders, a look of determination on his face.

Tonight he would be on his absolute best. He would win over Cam’s friends, romance the sh*t out of her, absolutely slay at being human, and set up a cross family meeting that may or may not include the Sins. Or maybe he would focus on Charlie first and then the Sins. Either way, tonight would go well.

**********

“Alright, so that was another bust.”

Cletus, the head of their little squad of former-cherubs, sighed deeply as the toddler-like cherub rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Well, at least we know who it isn’t. That’s something, right?”

Keenie glared, the golden-wooled sheep cherub crossing her arms and leveling a look at him that caused him to flinch away. “No, Cletus,” She hissed. “No it isn’t. If we don't find Emily’s mystery agent we’ll never get home!”

“She’s here somewhere, Keenie.” Cletus explained, frowning back at the golden sheep cherub. “It’s a finite area, we’ll find her… we just have to.”

“Don't worry, we’ll know her when we see her.” Collin replied happily, causing the two other cherubs to glare balefully at their third friend. Collin was still all shiny and clean even after everything, he had gone out of his way to ensure that his mystery saviors work didn't go away, and the other two cherubs slightly resented him for it whenever they were reminded of how raggedy and dirty their own clothes and bodies were after a year of homelessness.

“That’s easy for you to say, Mr. ‘ I don't know how to ask for names. ’” Keenie snarked, the purple furred cherub flinching away from her venomous glare. “You still have her blessing about you.”

“Not for lack of trying on the universe's part.” Collin preened slightly and his fur fluffed up. “You know how quickly all this work would go away if I went into that dumpster?”

Cletus and Keenie, the two cherubs currently sitting inside a dumpster as they planned their next move, both grumbled only slightly hatefully as they looked away from the shiny fur on their friend. They had been making their way through town for days now trying to find any sign of Collin’s mysterious savior.

Of course, they made their way to the Vet clinic first and waited for hours for her to come back except they had been driven off by the raccoons before they could see her. Every time they approached the clinic the trash panda’s would be waiting, eagerly anticipating their next scuffle with the displaced cherubs.

It had gotten to the point that when they got back into Heaven, Cletus was going to petition the High Council to excommunicate Raccoons from the grace of God entirely. Filthy little bastards deserved it.

Cletus sighed as he shifted into a more comfortable position on his little trash pile. It wasn't the raccoons that were annoying him… well, okay, the raccoons were almost as annoying as the filthy, filthy imps but that was neither here nor there.

No, it was the thought that Heaven was so close and yet so far once more that was getting to him. They’d spent so long wallowing in grief over losing access to their home and just as long trying in what seemed to be vain to find a way back that Cletus was beginning to wonder if he should just buckle down and make do with living in the human world.

Except the human world was awful! Oh, Miss Emily would give him such a disappointed look if she heard him think that but it was true! Whatever kind and wondrous feelings he had towards humanity and their world had soured completely after a year scrounging after them like wretches… Well, he was very bitter.

He might need a therapy cherub of his own after all of this, or he would just go back to being a servant to winners like cherubs were born to be. All he knew was that after this was all over he was never setting foot in the human world ever again.

Heaven and its wonders were so close now, they could almost taste it! The mystery agent of Emily’s would lead them back to paradise if only they could find her, and that was the rub wasn’t it? They didn't know the first thing about where she was or even what her name was so they couldn't even look her up or anything.

It wasn't fair. But then, nothing about their time in the human world had been fair so it made sense.

He leaned against his bed of trash and looked up to the sky despondently. The clouds passed by as Keenie and Collin argued about how to find the mystery lady and he just… he just existed. The clouds reminded him of Heaven, there were even people flying amongst them.

… wait a moment.

He squinted as two figures seemed to fly through a cloud and began to descend towards the dumpster they resided in currently. He could make out colors and general shapes but it wasn't until voices drifted down that he realized that those were people.

“Hide!” He hissed as he started to close the lid on the dumpster.

“Wha- what’s going on Cletus?” Keenie turned her gaze towards him and he pointed upwards at the descending people.

“Are they flying!?”

“Who cares? Just get in here and hide!”

“But my wool! It’s still clean and-”

Keenie and him grabbed ahold of Collin’s hooves and pulled him into the trash, pulling the lid of the dumpster closed until they were safely hidden in darkness. “My wool. My precious wool…” Collin bemoaned in the darkness.

“Shush it!” Keenie hissed angrily as voices appeared. He and Keenie looked through a crack in the dumpster at two pointy eared figures, one with bushy hair and the other with grayish teal hair, talking about cover stories and someone named ‘Cam.’

“Did any of Adam’s descendants ever have pointy ears?” He asked to which Keenie just shrugged, her eyes never leaving the figures outside. They fiddled with the ornaments on their staffs before the busy haired woman got a living owl that hopped on her shoulder and the teal haired person had a fox run up their arm and around their throat like a scarf.

“I have so many questions.” Keenie muttered. Collin could be heard trying to force his way to the front to look out the hole as well while also bemoaning his now dirty wool.

“Do any of those questions help us get to Emily’s agent?” Keenie paused, looked conflicted, and then shook her head. He nodded and continued with his point.“Then we can pass it along to someone in Heaven that there’s, I don't know, flying magical people now?”

“Maybe they’re warlocks making pacts with demons for magical powers?” Collin muttered bitterly, still sore about his now dirty again form. The three of them listened in close as the two mystery figures began speaking again.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” The first figure with the incredibly bushy hair said, a metal hand on their hip as they turned to the teal haired person.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” The teal haired witch, because they were a witch apparently, replied.

The cherubs looked at one another once more.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Collin asked, sniffling as he did so.

“Like what?”

He waited for any answer and just sighed when silence was the only response. “I get that we’re all a little testy after everything, but we’re not Archangels or even regular angels- we’re just cherubs.”

He could feel Keenie and Collin begin to grow depressed over his words so he rushed to try and change the subject before things could spiral out of control even further. “I’m sure that whoever is in charge of… magical flying witches will be very impressed with us for finding a pair for them when we get back.” He turned around, his back pressed against the wall of the dumpster, and smiled at his two friends in the darkness. “Just think- as soon as we get back we can do whatever we want!”

“Go back to being a therapy cherub…” Collin muttered dreamily.

“Helping Miss Emily again…” Keenie giggled to herself.

“Yeah! Just focus on that and forget about the flying warlock witches.” He angled himself back around to check on whether the coast was clear and was pleased that the magical flying people were moving on towards the end of the side alley and around to the front of the restaurant.

With a shimmy, he opened back up the dumpster and let light shine down upon them once more. Keenie looked much the same, if a bit happier now that the end of their long torment was in sight, while Collin still looked bummed out and was staring at his now once more dirty wool and clothes with a pitiable gaze.

He flapped his wings and made it over the edge and out of the dumpster, turning around to start waving his friends on. “Come on, gang: We have an agent to find!”

Keenie cheered while Collin just let out a sarcastic ‘yay.’ He would forgive the purple sheep cherub for that this one time since they had technically ruined his blessing from Emily’s agent. They would apologize later, for now it was time to find out where said agent was.

Collin fluttered in front of Keenie and him, flying lazily to the ground as he looked around the corner only to freeze up like a statue and immediately press his back flush against the wall while waving them both forward furiously.

“It’s her!” He hissed and they almost broke several records with how fast they made their way over to the corner.

“You found the agent?” Keenie gasped, sparkles in her eyes as Collin nodded furiously and pointed around the corner.

He was afraid, afraid of looking around the corner and seeing the agent because what if this was another dream he was about to wake up from? What if he was about to wake up to disappointment again? He swallowed nervously, wiped away some sweat from his brow, and inched his eye past the corner at a glacial pace.

The two magical flying people from earlier were talking to a pretty looking tan-skinned woman in a beautiful black dress and a normal human man in a white suit and red shirt. Nothing odd there at all so he focused back on the pretty lady. She had a nice smile and kind eyes as she spoke, and her voice was just as gentle as the rest of her seemed.

He could see why Emily would choose this woman to be her agent in the human realm.

“So that’s her… our ticket back into Heaven.” He muttered as he leaned back into the alleyway and looked at his friends. Keenie was practically vibrating in pure excitement while Collin was hopping from hoof to hoof in joy.

“It’s her! It’s really her!” He giggled to himself. “We’re going home!”

“We just gotta wait for the magical witches to be done with her.” He said happily.

They all paused, digested his words, and then scrambled back to looking around the corner just in time to see the witches, the human guy, and Emily’s agent walking into the restaurant. Panic began to fill them once more.

“They’re here to steal her soul!” Keenie wailed, shock and horror in her voice.

“They’re gonna kill her and sacrifice her to the Morningstar!” Collin shivered, fear of the First Fallen keeping him rooted to the spot.

“We’ll never get back into Heaven if she gets kicked out herself!” He wailed, big fat tears running down his chubby cheeks. Collin and Keenie glared at him before the full force of his words hit them and they began to hyperventilate and cry themselves.

“We can barely feed ourselves!” Keenie cried out with horror. “We can’t add a fourth person to our band, especially someone the size of a full human: we’ll all starve to death within the first month!”

Collin was shivering and hugging himself as he rocked back and forth in the air. “I can't lose hope again… I can't lose hope again… I can’t-”

“Okay C.H.E.R.U.B. Saddle up time!”

The two sheep looked confusedly at him as he rose up in the air with a finger pointed to the sky above. “We finally found Emily’s agent and she’s in trouble! Emily has always been there for Cherubs so it’s time we returned the favor: we’re going to go in there and save her agent from those witches before they can do anything evil to her!”

“Yeah… Yeah!” Keenie and Collin both began to hype themselves up as they flew around one another in celebration. “We’ll go in there and save her!”

“Miss Emily took the time to try and save us so it’s only fair we try and return the favor!”

The three of them cheered into the evening sky.

“Wait,” Collin asked, his head co*cked to the side. “How?”

Cletus… did not have an answer yet.

Notes:

So that was something. Let me tell you, i can't wait to write the payoff for the Cherubs. A few of you have guessed... or simply hoped for what it will be but im hoping it's still satisfying.
Next Chapter: The Double Date, and the Shenanigans, begin.

Chapter 22: Double Date: Part 3

Summary:

Bonding between couples, while cherubs prepare for shenanigans

Notes:

It's certainly been awhile hasn't it?
I'd like to first apologize for the long wait it's taken for this chapter to get out and also explain it. Feel free to skip this if you want, i wont mind. It's just going to be me rambling about my life for the last month and a half.
So, first of all, immediately after posting the last chapter my family situation kind of imploded: turns out both my aunts kind of hate me for being born as well as my mom (their youngest sister) for existing. Finding that out kind of killed any desire to write at all but the real kicker was having to take care of my elderly grandma more times than not. She's not doing so well and seeing her like that sort of made me spend april in a depressive funk from which there was no escape.
On top of that? College. I had multiple classes to deal with and with finals coming up during the later half of april/first part of may i sort of let writing and a lot of other things fall to the wayside to focus on passing my tests.
I've essentially been in a major depressive episode since the last chapter that only ended recently.
It's been a very long road to mental recovery from family stress, depression stress, and college stress all piling onto itself and leaving me in a position where i only got back to writing like, a few days ago ay best. And now here i am after all of that with no college this summer, no aunts to deal with for a while, and looking into nurses for my grandmother because i am not registered for healthcare and cannot provide the care she needs, nor can my mom or grandfather. Anyway, all that is to say im back and will probably be writing a lot to ignore the real world for a while.
TL;DR: My Life went crazy turned upside down, but im better now and back to writing
Anyway, if you stayed for all of that, have a nice chapter to deal with my long absence.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The restaurant was very nice, Camila noticed.

She hadn't been here before since it wasn't really her kind of place: Manny had been too sick for fancy dinner dates when they moved over to Gravesfield and afterwards she hadn't quite made herself a member of the dating scene since she was both still grieving and trying to raise a little girl all on her own. Luz wouldn’t have enjoyed the fancy locale growing up and whenever the Gravesfield Vet Clinic staff went out together for lunch or dinner they all usually went somewhere that was a bit cheaper and had access to a bar.

Dolce Vita was none of those things. It was an upscale place with many candelabras and chandeliers that cast soft mood lighting over the place. Paintings and artwork from Venice and Florence made the place look ripped straight out of the Italian countryside while the wood paneling along the floor gave an earthy, warm look to the golden paint on the walls. In the dead center of the restaurant, surrounded by simple statues and fountains stood an oak tree bedecked with fairy lights all around the trunk of the tree while bushy leaves all covered the branches that reached up through the roof to the rooftop terrace that housed outdoor seating.

It was very ritzy as far as Gravesfield was concerned and normally she wouldn’t have been seen here since she could feel her wallet crying out in future anguish, but here she was anyway. Lucius offered to pay, and she knew he was rich if his fancy suits, Limousine, and his talk of running a big business was anything to go by. She had accepted because she both wanted to see what all the fuss was about and a small part of her wanted to be waited on by a handsome man.

She was a romantic at heart, sue her.

They had all managed to get a side booth that was plush and comfortable as could be, with a simple candle burning away on the table as a painting of farmers at work on a hilly countryside plot of land was etched into the wall beside them. The booth was plush enough she actually wanted to sink in and never get back up, the cost put into the amenities clear and obvious.

They had already ordered drinks and had a complimentary wine-bottle full of sparkling water to go with the fancy co*cktails they all were drinking, the waiters letting them have time to converse and make merry before they came back to find out what they would eat.

It was nice, it was very fancy, and it was very romantic. The candelabra above them cast a soft light upon them from the burning candles within as the atmosphere added to the sense of peace and tranquility.

Lucius sat next to her, his coat laying against the back of the booth seat like a banner as he swirled his drink around in its glass. Raine patted the top of the table with their hands, awkwardly looking every which way but at them. Meanwhile, Eda was reclining like she was sitting on a throne as she looked around the restaurant.

“Nice digs.” Eda said with a smirk. “Not my usual scene but I'm not going to complain or anything.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to a place like this,” she said with a smile, taking a small sip of her drink. “I never really got a chance before so I thought this date would be a nice excuse.”

“Ah, using us for the rich people food?” Eda placed her good hand against her chest and pantomimed a wound, wincing away exaggeratedly. “And here I thought we were friends, Cam.”

“Eda…” Raine whined, placing their face into their hands and slumping forward.

“Like you're one to talk.” She picked up one of the cutleries and used it to point at her, a mocking frown on her face. “How many times, exactly, have you used my daughter to get free meals back in Bones- er, California?”

“Not my fault nobody checks if it’s actually her birthday,” Eda shrugged. “Just got to go on a day a new waitstaff is in and nobody knows the difference. By the way, Luz is now fourty-seven with how many birthdays she’s had.” The Owl Lady grinned happily and co*cked both arms behind her head.

She stared in disappointment while Raine slumped even further.

A loud slurping noise broke through the silence as she turned to see Lucius sipping from a rather fruity looking co*cktail. He had taken all of Eda’s oddities with a smile and a chuckle, laughing along good naturedly as he listened attentively to every last anecdote and story about her darling daughter and sharing his own funny stories about his Charlie.

From the sound of it, she had a good childhood.

Lucius blinked as all three of them cast their eyes upon him and he smiled awkwardly. “See… I can't even blame her for that.” He said with a chuckle. “I would totally do that with Char-char if I could.”

“People know when her birthday is?” Raine asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, sure.” He waved away the statement and leaned back in the booth, staring up at the small candelabra above them. “Everyone knows Charlie back home. Her auntie Bee pretty much partied for a month when she was born and those ragers can get pretty loud. Everyone knows her birthday by association with Heavy Bass if nothing else.”

“Sounds pretty ritzy.” Eda said as she stared at him with a curious expression. “Never knew a rich person gala had heavy bass music.”

He stared at her for a moment and then burst out laughing, actually clutching his stomach from the sheer force of his guffaws. He finally swallowed down his humor, his shoulders shaking from the effort as he grinned.

“Sorry, sorry… just the idea of Bee holding something actually ritzy like a gala is, well, she’d laugh at it too is all I'm saying.” He knocked back his drink and smiled. “I love her almost as much as I do my sister but she’s… no, she wouldn't be caught dead at something she can’t stomp her feet or bang her head to.”

Eda snorted in amusem*nt. “So, her rich person parties are actually fun, is what you're saying?”

He shrugged his shoulders and began to twirl his straw around in the glass. “Her and Ozzie hold fun shindigs. I may not go to many of them, but I've heard good things… literally heard them in Bee’s case: She likes her sound systems.”

“Sounds like my kind of woman. Always wanted to throw a wild rager back in my teen years, the kind you get the cops called down on and you end up in the news for a week or two.” She laughed uproariously before her mirth turned bitter sounding, a faraway look entering her eyes. “Would have too if… things hadn't happened to stop me from doing so.”

“Maybe I can introduce you two, she gets along well with everyone-” he paused, co*cked his head to the side, and then winced. “Well… so long as you don't act like a raging misogynist or a classist asshole anyway.”

Eda blinked her mismatched eyes as she looked at him funnily, a mocking smile crawling across her lips. “Spent most of my life fighting against someone like that so you don't have to worry about me.” Her brow furrowed slightly as she leaned against the table with her elbows. “She deal with that often?”

Lucius smiled. “I have a… friend I guess you could call him. He’s a jackass but he was there for me when I was at my lowest and it cost him a lot to do that so I kind of owe him, you know?” He chuckled to himself and reclined against the booth seat, completely at ease. “Trust me, I'm not stupid enough to bring him around people I actually like.”

“Oof, he sounds like quite a piece of work.” Eda rolled her shoulders and stared at him. “You say you owe him?”

He chuckled to himself and shrugged his shoulders. “It’s a very long and very complicated story but suffice to say: I messed up when I was younger and made a mistake by doing something without thinking through the consequences beforehand, and he was there for me alongside the rest of my… friends. We’ve been close ever since.”

“Sounds interesting at least.” Raine said with a smile, nursing their drink as she made conversation. “I’m a bit curious about that but I won't pry.”

“Thank you!” He said, his beaming smile showing off pearly white teeth. “I’ll pass on sharing but thank you.”

She smiled as she saw Raine and her boyfriend get along well, watching the two engage in conversation with a happy smile. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Eda staring at Lucius like a puzzle she was trying to solve, her expression carefully neutral as she looked between both him and Raine.

Raine smiled and they continued talking “- I was actually hoping you could tell me more about your experience with the fiddle if that’s not too much to-”

Before they could even get the last word out, he was already lighting up like Christmas had come early. “I’d be happy to!” He said gleefully as he ripped a pen out of his pocket and began scribbling furiously on a napkin. “So, I technically began with the Jewish Kinnor many years ago thanks to my old mentor David: he taught me everything he knew about chilling with string instruments. Well, technically I sort of sat outside and listened to him teach others since I wasn't really welcome in the Temple at the time but that's neither here nor there so-”

She found herself smiling as she listened to him ramble about something he was so passionate about. It was nice to hear someone talk about something they loved and cherished so much. It actually reminded her of Manny when he first started talking about all the ideas for their shared fan script while they were still dating.

“It’s nice they havesomeone to talk to about music again.”

She turned towards Eda as she smiled wistfully at both her spouse and Lucius trade anecdote after anecdote about musical instruments. They were completely engrossed as only two nerds who found out their interests matched up could be.

Eda smiled gently as Her spouse and Lucius geeked out. “It’s been nothing but politics since the new government was made, they don't even have time to just play for the sake of playing anymore with all the problems Ol’ Bellend’s stupid empire made before collapsing.” Eda knocked back her drink and smiled warmly. “It’s nice to hear them let their hair down and nerd out for a bit.”

“You won't hear me complaining.” She said as she chuckled. “I think they’re both cute.”

“He’s hot, don't get me wrong.” Eda said with a shrug before grinning. “But my spouse is hotter.”

She laughed and before long, Eda joined her. The two friends chuckled together in a moment of simple joy between friends. This, Camila decided, was the life. She was here with her boyfriend and two of her best friends from the supernatural side of her life enjoying a nice drink in a fancy restaurant. Yes, indeed, this was what a pleasant life felt like.

“I'm happy for you, Cam.”

She blinked and looked over at Eda, the bushy haired witch was staring at her with her ever-present smirk. “No, seriously,” she said with a questioning look. “He seems nice. Kinda dorky,” she said as she glanced at Raine and Lucius, who was now listening with rapt attention to Raine explain their violin care routine. Eda had a warm smile on her face at Lucius' clear respect for her spouse. “But dorky seems right up your alley and he doesn't seem like he’s hiding anything too bad.”

“Glad to know he meets with your approval.” She snarked and Eda smiled before raising her glass once more.

“Oh, I plan to grill him for all he’s worth as soon as your back is turned but yeah, he seems like the real deal.” Eda explained as she finished off her drink. She sighed before a thought entered her mind and she grinned while blushing. She felt happy, she felt content, and she felt just a little buzzed off of the wine she was drinking so her mouth worked before she could stop it.

“Just try to leave him in one piece, I might need him later tonight.” She said, her cheeks red but a smile on her face.

Eda choked on her drink, bits of cherry sangria spilling out from the sides of her mouth, before she barked out a laugh that caused the two fiddle nerds to turn their attention back to their dates.

“Hey, sorry for getting distracted.” Lucius frowned slightly as he looked at her. “It’s been a while since I met a fellow fiddle nerd, so I got excited.”

“Oh, I can tell.” She said, her cheeks still burning. “I’m glad you’re all getting along, to be honest.”

Lucius smiled at her gently and reached out to grab ahold of her hand. “I just don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, you're far too beautiful for that.”

She dutifully ignored Eda’s waggling eyebrows and leaned her head over onto his shoulder. “So, what were you both talking about?” He asked.

Eda opened her mouth and she cut her off. “Just about some silly stuff.” She said quickly, causing Eda to pout.

**********

As the two couples talked and bonded, sinister things were afoot.

“Golden Fleece, this is Boss Baby: Are you in position? Over.”

“Crybaby, this is Golden Fleece: Working my way in through the roof now.”

“Wha- Keenie! I told you my codename is Boss Baby!”

“What’s that, Big Crybaby? I just entered the kitchen, over.”

“This is… guys, this is stupid.”

“Say the line, Collin.”

“... this is Purple Pansy, in position and waiting for movement, over.”

Dolce Vita, fine Italian eatery, was currently being infiltrated by a group of homeless ragamuffins who planned to disrupt the evening for the guests. The owner had had nightmares about this exact scenario happening though probably not about the exact nature of said ragamuffins.

Cletus, toddler cherub and leader of the trio, was slowly making his way through the kitchen from kitchen island to kitchen island as he did his best to avoid human eyesight or notice. Keenie, golden sheep cherub and second-in-command of the trio, was crawling around in the ceiling like a rodent as she shimmied her way towards what she hoped was her destination.

Collin, cleanest of the trio and current bottom of the barrel, was huddling in a giant tree as he waited for his target to leave the table for any reason so he could intervene and save her soul from eternal damnation.

It was nerve wracking work, huddling within the leaves of a giant fake tree in the center of the restaurant, keeping an eye on the two witches corrupt the Joybringer's earthly agent with their very presence while knowing that even the slightest sound or movement would give away his position to the many humans all around which would probably lead to a rendition of his ‘Normal Lamb’ routine.

It might have been a fullproof routine that only failed due to the Joybringer's agent already looking for him but using it on so many humans would stretch his impeccable acting skills to the limit.

Collin clung to the upper branches of the fake tree, a walkie talkie that the three of them had scavenged a few months back in one hand and set to the lowest volume setting possible, and simply kept watch.

The two witches seemed to be laughing to one another as they talked about… whatever it was witches talked about. Brooms or something like that, maybe where to get the latest black cats. The two of them seemed happy, almost like they weren’t here to corrupt Emily’s agent but just to have a nice night on the town.

He frowned, his expression falling. The year he and the others had spent on the run had made him question many different things. He’d had many doubts and worries since Mr. Lipton died and he didn't know how exactly to answer any of them. And now here he was doubting if they were even here to stop them from getting home.

Because what if they weren’t?

What if this was a giant misunderstanding just like the one that got them into this mess in the first place? Dearie didn't know that those awful awful imps had done the deed and killed Lyle Lipton, only what they saw. So, what if this was the same thing? What if they were just here by accident and they were going to get them in trouble with the witch police? Were there even Witch Police? What else didn't he know?

By the time Keenie made her way out of a self-made hole in the wall he had descended into a full-blown existential crisis., rocking back and forth on his branch while whimpering slightly.

“Collin? What’s wrong?” Keenie, his darling friend and comrade-in-arms, asked gently while fluttering down next to him.

“What if we’re making a mistake? What if they aren’t here for her and we’ll do to them what was done to us? What if-” He tried to continue but Keenie grabbed him by both shoulders and began to shake him back and forth like a ragdoll.

“Collin.” She said quietly but firmly. “We are in too deep to start questioning. They are witches practicing dark magic and she is an agent of Emily herself! What other reason would they have to be here?”

Collin opened his mouth… and then closed it slowly as he realized he didnt actually know. It would be a cosmic coincidence for two witches to make contact with Emily’s agent just at random after all.

After all, why else would they be here?

Keenie let him go and together they sat in silence for a moment. Keenie began sharpening a few forks she had collected while he simply kept watch over the four targets.

“Can you even hear anything from here?” Keenie asked and he shook his head.

She cracked her neck and then began to combat crawl along the branches towards the Agent, her human date, and the two witches. He almost reached out to stop her but halted at the last moment and let her move on.

He nearly went back into hysterics before his walkie activated and Cletus’ voice echoed out. “Purple Pansy? Golden Fleece? Either of you there?”

He almost dropped the walkie on a passing waiter before he managed to bring it against a floppy ear. “I’m here Cletus, you don't have to use codenames you know?”

“Copy that, Purple Pansy.” He sighed as Cletus ignored him and continued. “Where’s Golden Fleece?”

“Keenie,” he stressed. “Is gathering more info on the Agent. She’s going in to eavesdrop on her, her date, and the witches.”

“Wait, what!?” Cletus sounded shocked, his voice rising to a high squeak. “The agent has a date?”

“Yeah, he’s…” He paused and looked forward towards the two couples in the booth. The golden-haired human had launched into a story with multiple arm gestures used to empathize it. The two witches looked like they were about to keel over laughing while the agent looked like she was choking on her drink before she stifled a giggle.

They seemed friendly, and he seemed nice enough.

“... he seems alright. A normal human but he seems to be nice I guess.”

Cletus fell silent for a moment before he came back on the line. “Keep me updated if they try to corrupt him as well. If we can save a human life and Emily’s agent we’ll be welcomed back as heroes!”

Collin personally thought that they’d be welcomed back as poor, unfortunate souls who had been through the ringer but saving a human life would be a nice olive branch to the rest of CHERUB.

He waited in the tree for a while longer before Keenie dropped down from up above, her woll covered in leaves and more forks and knives stashed throughout her dress pockets. “So I actually learned her name.”

“Wait, really?” He felt more guilt well up but crushed it down so as not to bring attention to his screw up again.

“Yep. It’s Camila apparently.” Keenie said, picking leaves out of her wool before leaning against the trunk and sighing. “The witches are named Eda and Raine, while the human dude is Lucius. He seems to be alright but nothing to write home about.” She narrowed her eyes. “The witches seem to be-”

“Hoot.”

Both lamb cherubs blinked in confusion before turning to see a small brown owl nestled on the branches of the tree. It blinked its yellow eyes at the both of them before co*cking its head to the side. “Hoot.” It said simply.

“Um,” He hesitated, the last time he tried to befriend a woodland animal he had been viciously attacked by horrid little monsters… but he also met Camila, so it wasn't all bad. “Nice owl?”

The owl kept staring at the two of them, its expression inquisitive.

“Leave the bird alone, Collin.” Keenie muttered as she stared the bird down. “It’s just an owl.”

The bird, amazingly, seemed to narrow its eyes at her before hooting dismissively. If he didn't know any better, he would almost assume the bird had thoughts and opinions about the two of them.

But it was just a bird, so it couldn’t.

He turned back to the booth and almost fell out of the tree in excitement. “Wait, she’s moving!”

He watched Camila get up from the table and leave her human date alone with the two witches, moving off deeper into the restaurant on her own as she made her way into a side room. This, he decided, was exactly the moment he had been waiting for.

“Alright gang, I'm heading off. Wish me luck.” He muttered to himself as he slowly made his way to the ceiling, scrambling his way in through the loose tile that Keenie had made and made his way hopefully in the direction Camila had gone. Keenie looked up from the branches she was perched on and gave him a nod before crawling off a branch and scaling her way across the ceiling, her dress and wool blending in with the warm colors of the lower restaurant.

Collin left the light and sound of the eatery behind him as he made his way into the darkness of the cramped and very tight ceiling. It was uncomfortable, dirty, and quite fear-inducing to have pressure against all sides of him without even the space to turn his head or move around except forward.

For Emily’s secret agent, however, he would do anything.

As Keenie made her way back down and Collin made his way forward, neither noticed the owl narrow its eyes before following the purple cherub into the hole in the wall.

**********

Lucifer stared.

Eda and Raine stared back.

He struggled to find something to say, his fingers drumming against the table as he waited for his mind to come up with anything at all to talk about that could break the silence. A bead of sweat made its way down his forehead as he fumbled for anything to speak of.

He wanted this to go great, wanted Cam’s friends to like him so she would like him. He wasn't worried that she would dump him if this didn't go well, leaving him all alone with nothing once again. Nothing but a broken relationship on top of his already existing broken marriage. He needed this to work, needed this to go well.

The King of Hell’s fingers tapped away, and he noticed the bushy haired Eda open her mouth to say something: probably “You’re not good enough for Camila!” or “You’re a terrible boyfriend and father and you deserve to be alone forever!”

“So!” He said loudly, his voice only slightly cracking as he interrupted their most likely cruel remarks. “California, huh? What’s that like?”

Eda froze up like a statue as Raine stiffened beside her. The two glanced at one another and then back to him.

He didn't know much about the human world, but he had heard many different things after a quick scouring of the ring of Pride for any bookstores that could explain anything to do with the human world.

His own laws had come back to bite him in the ass, however, because all he found was a half-eaten magazine that spread gossip about all the human celebrities who most likely were still alive up above.

Still, letting loose that he didn't know the glorious country of California would lead to them asking him how, exactly, he didn't know about it which would lead to awkward questions he didn't want to answer.

Raine tugged the collar of their dress shirt as they glanced away while Eda rubbed the back of her head with a shiny looking hand. “Oh, California is the greatest of places!” Raine blurted out when he opened his mouth to ask what the problem was.

Both he and Eda stared at them as they flushed anxiously and began to glance anywhere but at them. “The main body is pretty when the sun shines down on the mountains while the outlying islands all have their own charms.”

Lucifer blinked. “Islands? Is it an archipelago?”

“Yes, they just decided it in the courts: breaking news, you probably haven't heard of it yet.” Eda said quickly while Raine looked at her like she was mad.

Lucifer thought they were being suspicious… but he also didn't know enough about the human world to call them out on any of their oddities. Plus, why would they lie about any of this? He shook his head and scratched the side of his cheek as he glanced between them. He was probably being overly paranoid.

“So… you all hang out on the main island of California then?”

They glanced at one another and then nodded. The air was thick with tension as the two before him looked ready to fight him or flee at any moment.

“What city?”

“The glorious capital of Los Angeles!” Raine said nervously.

That much he knew about the human world: there was indeed a city in California named Los Angeles. It was the home of many of the rich, famous, and some place called ‘Hollywood’ according to his research. Their story matched what he knew of the human world, so he decided to throw them the benefit of the doubt. “I heard it’s quite nice.” He said with a smile.

The tense atmosphere seemed to melt away as the two of them smiled at him. “What about you, where do you hail from?” Raine asked, petting the fur of their fox scarf gently as they looked at him.

… sh*t. What was his cover again? He didn't know that much about the human world, only really knowing what he could scrounge from Pride. Like, he couldn't just come out and say he was from Big Apple New York now, could he?

… wait a minute.

“Apple.” He said hurriedly. The two raised eyebrows and he quickly continued. “Big Apple, I’m from Big Apple. It’s in New York.”

“Never heard of ‘Big Apple’ before.” Eda muttered before something lit up behind her eyes. “It anywhere near Vegas?”

“No.” That much he knew about. “It’s far to the-” Wait, was it west or east of Vegas? He struggled to think and decided to just guess before they got wise. “-west. Big Apple is west of Vegas.”

“Maybe I’ll visit the next time I go to Vegas.” Eda said happily, her eyes never once leaving him.

“The last time you went to Vegas you got married, got divorced, and became banned from several casino’s all in the course of a single night.” Raine interrupted, causing Eda to wince with each statement. “You’re banned from Vegas.”

“Oh, come on! I just need a single casino and I can win us a proper honeymoon.”

“No Vegas.”

Eda pouted and he felt a laugh bubble out, his shoulders shaking as he tried to keep quiet. “Sorry, sorry.” He explained before they could take offense. “Just wondering how someone does all that in a single night.”

“Maybe if you stay around long enough, I'll be willing to tell you.” She spoke. “As it stands, I barely know you, no offense.”

“None taken.” He said happily, taking a quick drink before looking off into the lights around the tree. “So, what do you think about-”

Before he could continue, a loud tapping of glass echoed throughout the restaurant. A portly looking man with a fine black suit and a pair of thick glasses held a champagne flute in one hand and a spoon in the other as he looked out across the room. “Can I have everyone’s attention?”

He looked stern but sad as he continued speaking. “Due to a mix up in scheduling, tonight’s accompaniment will not be able to perform.” He placed the glass down and combed his black hair back with his fingers. “I truly apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Shame that.” He muttered before turning to the two across the table from him. “Wonder what was going to play?”

“It was going to be a nice violin artist from New York who's touring the area for publicity.” A voice caused Lucifer to nearly jump out of his skin as he turned to see a waiter, his arm holding up a silver tray laden with food, standing just behind him. “I was rather looking forward to it, even got my family a reservation for tonight to listen.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He said sadly. He would have liked to listen to a human play the violin, it sounded nice.

“You know…” Eda’s voice was sly as a snake as she smirked at the waiter. “You truly lucked out because you happen to have a remarkable violin artist sitting right at this table.”

He felt a blossom of comfort well up in his chest. Camila’s friend thought his skills were remarkable? That was… he hadn't been complimented for his skills with a fiddle in so long, it was nice to hear one again.

“Eda…” Raine whined, clearly just as overcome at her compliment of him.

The waiter’s eyes widened and a small smile crept on his face. “Truly? I could ask the boss if it would be allowed but he was really looking forward to this so I don't think he would say no. Who did you have in mind?”

He squared his shoulders while Raine slumped forward and together the two of them said the exact same thing. “Me.” They both said at the same time, one bashfully and one happily.

Lucifer Morningstar and Raine Clawthorne both blinked and looked at one another. Eda snorted and tried not to laugh while he just looked confused.

“Sorry, shortstop.” She said with a chuckle. “But I meant them, not you.”

“I’m sure you're also great at the violin.” Raine said comfortingly and he frowned.

“I am.” He said, just a little hurt. “Quite remarkable, in fact. Why, I would say I'm pretty damn great in fact.”

Raine chuckled, their voice a little tense. “Well, yes. I agree you're good at the fiddle but I’m classically trained and led multiple cov-bands, multiple bands.”

He frowned. “I’ve been doing it for years.”

They smiled. “Decades.”

Well, he had that beat by several millennia, but he couldn't come out and say that for fear of ruining his perfect human disguise. He let them have this victory before scoring his own. “I actually have my violin on me.”

It would be easy to just reach into the dimensional space sewn into his coat pocket and bring it out. He smiled and leaned back in the booth, ‘Checkmate.’ he thought to himself.

Raine frowned before a smile appeared on their face. “So do I.” They said, rubbing a hand on their fox fur scarf.

He narrowed his eyes and they narrowed theirs in turn.

“Um…” The waiter looked decidedly uncomfortable and looked between the two of them. “Do you, uh, want me to get the owner to tell them about… the two of you I guess?”

“Yes.” Raine and him said at the same time their gazes never once leaving the other.

Eda smirked to herself. “Oh, this is going to be good…”

Notes:

Oh, you better believe next chapter will have the long-awaited fiddle battle!
Who will prevail? Raine Clawthorne, Sovereign of the Boiling Isles, or Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell?
Find out next time on Dragon Bal- wait a minute...
Next Chapter: Fiddles go a-playin', who will prevail?

Chapter 23: Double Date: Part 4

Summary:

A couple of nerds have a Fiddle-off. And then the plot occurs.

Notes:

Sorry about no chapter on Wednesday, life happened.
Anyway, i found it surprisingly hard to translate wordless music to a written story. I could maybe do it if i were sitting down with you and talking at length about what they were but i cant break into everyone's houses to talk about violin and fiddle music for an hour so this is the best i can do. Also, i listened to so much fiddle and violin music for this chapter and yet it ended up shorter than i wanted it to. Ah well.
I tried to add names for every song used because i don't think i can properly explain how they go without using the names. But enough of me writing myself into a corner- i have great news
A second piece of fanart has been born by TkarmaArts and commissioned by our very own FaroeKing. They are both awesome and i love that people like this story enough to commission artwork of it. Check it out https://x.com/FaroeKing97/status/1792995538226298883

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Camila rolled her shoulders and sighed in contentment, the polished mirror in front of her providing the right light to allow her to get a few errant strands back in place.

Tonight, she thought, was going rather well. Her date was hitting it off with her friends and Eda was on her best behavior. Raine was keeping her in check but it seemed like they barely had to since she truly was acting responsibly. She smiled as she curled some hair back into place with a finger.

Tonight truly was going well. She had high hopes for the rest of the date if this was anything to go by.

Before she could finish up with her hair, however, the most curious of sounds caught her ear. Scratching sounds came down from the ceiling as if something were trying to dig its way through to the bathroom below. She frowned and sighed, she had really liked this place and wasn't looking forward to leaving a bad review due to hearing a rat in the walls.

The scratching picked up in pace as she hurried on, trying to finish up and get out of there-

There was a crack, a yelp, and a cloud of plaster dust and tile scratchings fell into the sink next to her as something made its way through the ceiling and into the room below. A purple figure fell with the cloud, hitting the stylized ceramic sink and cracking it all over before it bounced out and landed on the floor with a thud.

She flung herself around and reached for her purse to get the mace she carried out before she took a better look and stared at the purple winged lamb that just carved its way through the ceiling.. The fluffy purple thing whined in pain and confusion as it rubbed its- no, his head and tried to stand up. “Did I make it…?” The familiar looking purple lamb demon asked waveringly as it stumbled upwards into a standing position, looking about in absolute confusion.

She continued staring, not really knowing how to respond. She’d been to another dimension full of demon weirdness many different times now in her life, even housed otherworldly teenagers in her house, but this was still a bit unexpected as she decided between rushing to find out if the purple lamb thing was okay or hitting it with her purse for almost scaring her half to death.

She decided to split the difference and just wait to see what he would do.

“Okay, she should have gone in here-” Yeah, no, that was making her lean towards hitting the little thing. “So I should…” He turned towards her, squinted, rubbed at his eyes, and then squinted again before a bright and happy smile came across his snout.

“Camila! I found you!” He did a happy little dance before a serious expression crossed his face. “I’m here to rescue you.”

‘Just once,’ she thought to herself. ‘Just once, I would like to have a nice evening with friends without something apocalyptic happening.’ she sighed, got her things off the sink countertop, and looked the little demon in the eye. “You have one minute to explain what’s going on before I go get the others.”

The sheep looked panicked before he hurriedly let loose an absolute stream of consciousness. “Okay, so you're in danger from evil witches who want to try and keep you, and by extension us, from ever returning home. They’re here to ruin your date and corrupt you with dark magic and they want to destroy you and everything you love just like those evil-”

She placed a hand over his mouth if only to try and gather her thoughts in silence. Everything had been a bit too fast to capture all of it but she got the basics.

“So,” she muttered to herself. “Someone from the demon realm is after us?”

The lamb’s eyes widened before he nodded. She sighed, this was the last thing she wanted but considering her daughter had personally helped stop the old Boiling Isles regime and was actively picking fights with grave robbers, pirates, and whatever in god’s name Titan Trappers were… well, she’d been threatened a few times before.

This was the first time a witch had managed to make it through the portal door and threaten her on eart-

Glowing blue eyes staring out from a rotting skull, skin and sludge mixed together into a horrifying tapestry across too long limbs and a too skinny torso. A face carved from nightmares staring them down. “This is for the good of your souls!” The horror said. “You’ll thank me later.”

Okay… maybe not the first time… but those were extreme circ*mstances.

She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised she was being targeted here on earth. She would have to talk with Luz about potentially aksing the Collector to start a screening process for the portal door.

“Alright,” She sighed. This was going to get annoying very fast. “I want to have a quiet dinner with my boyfriend and friends but I'll take whatever warning you can give.”

The purple lamb nodded excitedly once more before he drew back to keep talking again. “The witches are already in the restaurant and have made contact with you ma’am. Dont worry though, they haven’t tried anything yet. And if they do, I have my whole squad hidden throughout the restaurant so we can respond the minute we get the signal.” He flew up and looked happy. “The minute we save you you’ll take us home, right?”

She smiled, she may be annoyed at the eventual ruining of her date but none of it was the little guy’s fault. He was just a lost little demon and she wanted to help him. “Sure, buddy. Once my date is over I'll take you and your friends home with some friends of mine.”

He did a loopty loop in the air as he smiled. “Alright, this is going to be great! Once we get home we’ll tell Emily all about how grateful we are for her efforts.” He grabbed her hands with his and smiled sheepishly. “I know we don't really have anything in the way of repayment for you but I promise you that once we get back to-”

“Don't worry about it.” She waved him off with a smile. “Just, ah, please help me clean this all up before anyone sees you. I don't want to have to explain any of this.”

“Don't worry ma’am, I can repair it with a quick fix.” He saluted her and flew over to all the ruins. “I may not have much in the way of powers right now but I can fix this no problem.”

She smiled and turned before a thought occurred to her. “And you’ll tell your friends to be subtle about stopping the threat, right?”

He saluted even harder and began to furiously gather together all the rubble and bits of broken ceiling and sink. She decided to leave him to it while her thoughts gathered.

A threat that had already made contact and was in the restaurant? If she didn't know any better she would almost assume the little guy was talking about Eda.

She stopped right at the door and then sighed. She turned back towards the purple lamb demon. “One of the witches, they don't have bushy hair do they?”

“You got it in one!” He said happily. “You really are one of the best aren’t you?”

She smiled before stepping outside the bathroom and resting against the door, sighing in annoyance.

This, she decided, was going to be a problem. She knew, logically, that Eda hadn’t always been the best of role models. And she knew, logically, that she had made some enemies that didn't deserve to be enemies from being scammed and hustled.

This was the first time it was staring her in the face however.

She would deal with this as soon as she could get Eda alone, just get her by herself and grill her about any and all possible enemies that may hunt down her or her Luz.

She exited the hallway leading back to the main dining area in a huff before she stopped and blinked in astonishment.

Every last patron in the restaurant was now staring at Raine and Lucius, both of whom were standing across from one another and staring daggers into the other as they both held violins in their hands and looked ready to fight one another. The crowd of restaurateurs looked eager and anticipatory as they stared at the duo.

She made her way back over to the booth as Eda leaned back and grinned. “Ah, Cam, you made it just in time!”

She blinked at the Owl Lady. “Time for what?”

“For Raine and your boytoy’s fiddle battle of course.”

She groaned in despair. “I wasn’t even gone ten minutes.”

**********

Lucifer rolled his shoulders and readied himself for war.

It was a war of the greatest importance, one that would reshape events going forward forever more. He was going to win, he had to win after all for if he didnt he would establish a pattern. And that was unacceptable.

After all, today he was going to enter another fiddle battle.

It had been years since the last one, decades even if not more than a century. The first one he had he had been co*cky and wanting to prove a point only to get slammed down for his hubris. The teasing from the six other sins was unbearable.

This time would be different, however: this time he was playing for more than just his pride… although it was a large part of it. No, this time he was also playing to impress Cam. That was more important than even winning in his mind. Though winning wouldn't be bad in this case since that would probably impress her as well.

She laughs, her cheeks pink at the thought. “I’m- I'm truly flattered. I’ve never had anyone serenade me before.”

‘Oh, we’re going to fix that tonight.’ he thought to himself, grit and determination filling him like a hot air balloon. Win or lose, he was going to serenade his girlfriend tonight or die trying.

He saw her sit down alongside her friend Eda and he smiled like a dope before shaking his head and getting serious.

As the two stood beneath the tree in the center of the restaurant, both facing the other as they held their fiddle’s in a death grip, he decided to go first to establish dominance.

It was only as he put bow to strings that he remembered that that was the same mistake he had made with Johnny. ‘Too late now…’ he thought to himself as he began to play.

It was something simple, a nice tune that one could sway their head to as he began to tap his feet every now and again. He liked to believe that Arkansas Traveler was a nice warm up, something simple to set the pace. It wasn't a classical masterpiece but it was a simply fun tune so he had that at least.

His bow sang across the fiddle as he played, his feet moving with the music as he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the simple act of playing music for fun. This wasn’t a deal for a soul, or a kingdom, or even to decide the fate of the universe- this was just a simple competition where he could prove that he had in fact improved since that fateful day in Georgia.

Usually this song would have an accompaniment with guitars but he had to make due with just himself. Well, no, he could summon some miniature clones to play the proper instruments for him… but that would sort of be impossible to explain.

Plus, even if he did, that would be cheating.

Arkansas Traveler ended and he nodded to Raine, who clapped politely alongside the audience before stepping up themself and readying-

“Woohoo! Go Raine! That’s my spouse right there!” Eda called out from the audience, waving a fist in the air before a waiter rushed over and asked her to keep it down. Raine winced and smiled embarrassedly before breathing in and out again and playing.

And what they played was Paganini’s Caprice No. 24

One of the old classics by a man who had once claimed to be his violinist. His jaw dropped alongside everyone else's as he stared at them play one of the classics, and one of his personal favorites to boot.

It was a shorter piece than the rest of Paganini’s work and he was left floundering as he realized he just played a bluegrass song and they were playing something straight from the 19th century masters.

‘Oh Father, it’s Johnny all over again.’ he thought to himself as he realized he would need to step up his game.

Once the piece ended the crowd clapped gratefully for their performance and he was left staring as they nodded at him and bowed their head.

‘Two can play at that game.’ he thought as he began a rendition of the Danse Macabre.

Darker than the previous piece, but more recognizable, he played as best he could, putting as much non-magical effort into his work as he could as Raine stared and smiled at his efforts. It was a longer piece but he felt it would do well.

And well it did. The crowd ate up his work and he was left smiling as he turned to stare at them and bow his head.

And then Raine dropped La Campanella.

It was beautiful, it was majestic… and it was better than him.

‘sh*t, this really is Johnny all over again.’ He thought bitterly as he realized if he didnt go overboard he would lose. But what could-

Oh.

Oh, he did have that as a last hurrah indeed.

As soon as Raine was finished he smiled, nodded, and then began to play the Devil’s Trill Sonata.

**********

‘sh*t, he’s good’ Raine thought to themself as they listened to Lucius play.

It was a heartbreakingly beautiful piece, one that seemed to be tailor made for the high-class audience of the restaurant. Everyone in attendance all listened with rapt attention as he played bow across strings like a master of old, gorgeous music filling the dining area as the golden haired man seemed to be in his own little world.

Even the waitstaff was just standing around listening, not willing to do anything that might interrupt the absolute masterpiece next to them.

They looked across the audience and found that even Eda was wiping a tear away from her eye, the traitor.

‘I’ve only been playing for years- Gryphon sh*t. If he hasn’t got at least a few decades on him I’ll eat my damn BATTs mask.’ They thought, impressed.

Honestly, the competition was pretty fun all things considered. They hadn’t had a chance to play with an actual professional in many years now, not since before they became the Bard Coven head. Oh, the concert they had to perform to get the position was still the greatest and most nerve-wracking performance they ever put on but this? This was just fun.

Whatever bitter feelings they had held had faded in the face of an actual peer of the arts. A soft smile spread across their face as they held Tilly gently, listening to the beautiful music.

A number of quickdraws and a bit more beauty and he was finally done, taking another bow as the audience dared not utter a sound. He looked over to them and smiled, not the mocking thing from before but an actual smile as he nodded his head.

Why would he need to mock now that he knew he had won?

They squared their shoulders and placed Tilly into position. This… this may require Bardic Magic. They weren’t keen on using it, not against a human but on the other hand said human was far more skilled than they had previously believed and so it may be necessary.

There was a song that they had listened to, a long time ago. They had found it washed up on the shores along with a bunch of other old records from the human realm and they had fallen in love almost instantly. The song had been a classical tale of pride and hubris… but turned on its head in a way they hadn’t expected.

It would be perfect to win this… or at least close the gap.

They breathed in, and breathed out… and they started to play.

**********

Lucifer smiled in glee as he stepped back and let Raine have center stage.

He was having fun, no doubt about it. Cam was staring at him in wonder, his audience was staring like he had played for each of them alone, and he was riding high on life. Raine was a good opponent, they had a mastery over the fiddle that was comparable to some of the classical giants he had listened to over the centuries.

When this began he had been riding high on more hubris just like he always did, but now he was realizing he had actually been enjoying himself all this time. Maybe it was winning, probably that if he were honest, but he wanted to believe that even if they had beaten him he would still be wanting to play a piece with them again in gratitude.

He wondered, briefly, what song they would play?

They breathed in and out and then began to play a… very familiar tune.

No.

No way in hell.

His jaw fell open as the familiar fast paced tune that had immortalized his loss to f*cking Johnny began to race out from their bow, the tune already causing quite a few members of the audience to begin to bop their heads to the beat. He had to resist giggling like a loon.

“The Devil went down to Georgia,” They sang out, eyes closed in concentration. “He was looking for a soul to steal…”

*********

The Devil Went Down To Georgia.

Camila had always liked the song. Her parents hated it, because of course they did, but she had always liked the music. She wasn’t normally a fan of Country but it was nice and interesting enough that she had made an exception.

“Woof, haven’t heard this one in a long while.” Eda said from next to her, furiously wiping her eyes after Lucius’ performance. She was a little watery herself but she was mostly just astounded her boyfriend, and she still couldn't get over calling him that, was such a good fiddler. "Never quite understood what the heck a 'Devil' was but it's a good song."

“You listen to human music?”

“Spent a lot of time in Gravesfield… and a few days in Vegas. I have a lot of experience with the human world and its music.” She grinned as Raine sang their heart out. “Plus, you know, I sell human junk.”

She laughed. “You still sell human junk after all this time?”

Eda smiled fondly, a far away look in her eye. “I… I guess I used to sell human junk. Huh, how time flies.” She shook her bushy head and grinned. “Anyway, I always listened to the music first so I could keep the good stuff for myself and sell off the real junk anyway, so I’ve got an old copy of this one somewhere in the Owl House.”

She reclined and drank from her wine glass, giving Eda a considering look. “You know, I can absolutely see you in Vegas.”

“Funny, Luz said the same thing when I mentioned that too.” Eda shrugged. “Can’t be helped… or repeated since I'm still banned.”

She blinked. “From a specific casino or…?”

Eda grinned. “Whole city, baby.”

She laughed at the same time Lucius laughed, the golden haired man grabbing his fiddle back up and placing it in position while glancing at Raine with a questioning look. Raine, still singing their heart out, nodded and together they both began to play.

It went from a duel to a duet in a heartbeat as Lucius and Raine matched each other fiddle to fiddle. And together their voices mixed into a perfect companionship. “Johnny, rosin’ up your bow and play your fiddle hard!”

The lights began to flicker all around the restaurant, matching perfectly with the song as it almost seemed to be playing alongside the duet themselves. Lucius looked amazed while Raine simply continued concentrating. “‘Cause Hell’s let loose in Georgia and the Devil deals the cards!”

The entire audience seemed to be clapping along now, not a single soul out of sync or tune as they perfectly matched the duet. “And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.”

“But if you lose, the Devil gets your soul.” The duet ended and Lucius stepped back, still staring in amazement at the lights but still fiddling away to match Raine’s feverish temp that sent a wave of energy across the audience and caused everyone to listen with rapt attention.

They began to tap dance, shoes against the hardwood floor of the cleared space as the very wind seemed to whisper around them, the tree shaking its leaves free to fall around them like rain.

It was beautiful, it was perfect, and it was without flaw.

All other conversations ended as both Lucius and Raine played their hearts out until finally Raine ended the whole thing with their eyes closed.

“Johnny said, ‘Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.’” Raine sang out as the very air around everyone seemed to catch itself in concentration.

Raine finally opened their eyes and looked Lucius right in his. “I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there’s ever been.”

Lucius’s shoulders began to shake as he seemed to almost resist laughing, his fiddling actually catching a stray mistake as he tried not to laugh for reasons she couldn't even begin to explain. And yet he rallied and played along for the final verse before finally, the song came to an end.

Silence reigned for only a moment before it was broken into a million pieces. The audience all broke into rabid applause, smiles and cheers as far as the eye could see.

Lucius and Raine looked to one another before they broke into manic grins, both of them bowing to one another with violins stretched to the side like blades in the hands of dueling knights. When they stood back up they broke into excited laughter.

“That was- that was incredible!” Raine said excitedly, their smile wide and happy. “What was that piece you played near the end?”

“The Devil’s Trill Sonata.” He said, before he chuckled like somebody had told a particularly funny joke. “It’s… a particularly favorite piece of mine. But nevermind all that, what was that thing you did with the lights during Georgia?”

Raine laughed. “Just luck and spirit I guess.” They said evasively before they offered out their hand. “You did wonderfully Mr. Magne.”

“Please, call me Lucy.” He said to them, his smile infectious. “All my favorite people do and after beating me like that? You definitely count.”

The two violinists would have continued gushing about the others' performance had the two of them not come over and interrupted.

“Good job Rainestorm!” Eda called out happily, slinging an arm around their spouses shoulder. “I never doubted you for a second.”

Raine hummed but tucked their head into the crook of her neck anyway, a contented smile on their face. “I haven’t had that much fun in… I don't even know how long it’s been.”

Lucius smiled at the scene before she came over and hugged him tight. “You were amazing.”

He laughed goofily before something flashed in his eyes, almost like panic. He squirmed out of her embrace and rushed over to the owner, the portly man crying tears of joy as he gripped her boyfriend tight in his arms and squeezed like an industrial press.

“Huh.” Eda commented from behind her.m “Wonder what that was about?”

Before she could wonder about it herself, or even feel anything about her own boyfriend squirming out of a hug from her, Lucy rushed over to the stand again and cleared his throat, drawing the excited crowd’s gaze. “One last song before we all go home, yeah?”

He grinned… and then looked her in the eye. “My lovely girlfriend says she’s never been serenaded before. Well, that’s a crime worth fixing right here and now so if you don't mind-” FIddle against his shoulder and a devilish grin on his face, Lucius Magne began to play a beautiful piece of music.

And his eyes never once left hers.

Vaguely, she recognized this as Schubert’s Serenade. It was the definition of classical music. And it was being played for her, just for her.

She had to cover her own mouth with her hands so no one could see her watery smile as Lucius played his heart out just for her. It wasn’t the magical performance that the Devil’s Trill had been… but this was just for her and that made it all the better.

It was a bright and happy song, something that sounded like he was actually taking notes from his very soul as he played her a song just like she had wanted.

“Psst, Cam.” Eda whispered beside her. “I think he may be a keeper.” She nodded absentmindedly as she focused entirely on the serenade being performed for her.

His bow sang across the fiddle as he played and he smiled so warmly at her and she just- she just…

The music picked up and began to speed along, a song of grace that rang throughout Dolce Vita. As he played he seemed to enrapture her in a spell as he slowly began to wind down. The song ended all too soon, the gorgeous music fading away into a quiet reverberation through the restaurant, and he took a bow as everyone once more went into wild clapping.

He got up and made his way over to them but she intercepted him and grabbed him by the suspenders before dragging him into a kiss. The clapping got even wilder.

“Aw,” Raine said, still leaning into Eda’s neck. “That’s sweet.”

“How come you don't serenade me anymore?” Eda asked cheekily, and only half-mockingly.

Raine winced and began to whistle innocently.

The applause faded and the two separated. “Jeepers.” He said absentmindedly.

She giggled… before frowning at the loud crying mixed with singular clapping coming from their own table. They both turned and-

“What the…?” Lucius muttered while she groaned in despair.

An overly sized, glowing toddler was hovering slightly above their booth’s table, his red overalls and yellow shirt dirty and raggedy. The cherubic demon, for he had wings and was clearly flying like a denizen of the Isles, was still loudly crying and clapping as hard as he could.

“That was- that was beautiful!” He cried, not even noticing how every last soul in the restaurant was now staring at the flying toddler with befuddlement or shock. “I loved it! You’re such a beautiful human soul!”

“Thank you… er, you?” Lucius said awkwardly and the toddler finally stopped crying as well as clapping, freezing up entirely before glancing around the room in slowly dawning horror as every last human being as well as two witches all stared at him clearly and completely unobstructed.

“Um…” The toddler looked around before he grimaced awkwardly and shrugged. “Would you believe me if I said I was a figment of your imagination?”

Silence was his answer.

He then began to openly panic, fishing out a walkie talkie and screaming into it. “They found us out! Backup Plan Gamme- I repeat, Backup Plan Gamma!”

From above in the tree, an angry female voice yelled out angrily and loudly enough to turn a few heads. “You had one job, Cletus!”

The now newly named Cletus then picked up a plate of spaghetti and hurled it like an olympic gymnast right into Eda’s face. “Attack!” He cried out as he picked up another plate of food in one hand and fished out a golden crossbow in the other.

Notes:

One more chapter to go for the Double Date. The next one is going to finally set up something I've been wanting to do since i first introduced the Cherubs.
Next Chapter: War in the restaurant, Lucifer is very confused by everything, Raeda are even more confused, and Camila is tired.

Chapter 24: Double Date: Finale

Summary:

The Cherubs wage war, but Raeda wage it harder. Camila and Lucifer are concerned and very confused.

Notes:

Hope y'all had a great Memorial Day (if you live in the US) Or simply had a wonderful normal day (if you don't) I know i did.
Got new tags for the pets, had some nice 'cue, and slept in knowing I didn't have anything to do.
This chapter was a long time coming as I finally reveal my plan for the Cherubs, though I didn't expect it to get here quite like it has. May you all enjoy it like i do
Anyway, this week will be a Tue-Thur-Sat update due to the holiday so please enjoy responsibly.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer looked from the angry looking toddler over to Eda, who looked confused as the spaghetti flopped down her face and onto the floor. “Huh.” She muttered to herself aloud. “That hasn’t happened since Hexside.”

‘What’s a Hexside?’ he wondered to himself as Camila joined him in staring at the scene with nothing but confusion.

Before any of them could find out how they felt about seeing an oversized toddler throw a plate of food at Eda before taking out a weapon, said toddler grabbed a plate of steak and flung it at her yet again while shouting loudly. Eda, now prepared, simply caught the plate with a hand and knocked the steak away from her as it soared towards her.

The toddler looked put out before he grinned, leveled the golden crossbow, and fired off a few rounds towards the bushy haired woman. The golden bolts flew through the air towards her before she combat rolled out of the way, the bolts going into the trunk of the tree before disappearing in a poof of what felt like holy magic.

Holy magic… oh dear, it seemed Heaven had caught up to him after all.

A few of the restaurant patrons ‘Oohed’ and ‘Ahhed’ as they watched the toddler, who could only be an angel, fire off bolt after bolt towards the busy haired woman who kept dodging and weaving through them.

“Damn it,” she cursed as a golden bolt grazed her shoulder. “Could you please stop attacking for a few minutes?”

“Never!” The angel yelled out, his voice manic but high-pitched. “We will defeat you and cast you down for all you tried to do!”

Camila groaned beside him and palmed her face in exasperation. “Damn it, Eda…”

Many things happened all at once, more than even he could keep up with.

Raine grabbed a hold of their violin and began to play quick tunes as fast as they could, which amazingly made many different plates and cutlery take off into the air and attack the angel like a school of fish. Meanwhile, a purple angel fell backwards out of the bathroom, a brown owl attacking it and causing the purple angel to fly away in fear before they began racing around the tree with the owl in hot pursuit, and a golden lamb angel swung down from the tree top while clinging to a string of fairy lights like a vine as she clenched a fork in between her teeth and held another in her free hand.

“Banzai!” She cried out as she landed on Raine and began to hit them with the forks. Raine, yelping in slight pain, grabbed ahold of the lamb and held them at arms length as the violin amazingly turned into a full grown fox and began to savage the golden lamb with teeth and claws.

“I have no idea what is happening.” He said to Camila as she just looked in despair at the scene. “Like, I literally have no idea.” He truly didn't: why were they attacking Camila’s bushy haired human friend and her… not-so-human spouse? Her spouse wasn’t human, so who even knew what they were because they were certainly not of Heaven or Hell. Why were the angels ignoring him like he wasn’t the King of Hell itself?

Why was Camila acting like this was a minor inconvenience rather than a world shattering revelation?

“I truly didn't want this to happen tonight…” she muttered, before throwing a fierce glare at the purple lamb being chased by the owl. “And when this is all over I will have words for someone. With my damn chancla.”

He felt a brief twinge of pity for the poor angel she was glaring at before he realized that said angel would most likely hate and despise him for simply existing, and thus he stopped caring immediately.

Another quick tune of Raine’s violin and another school of flying plates flew by and launched themselves at the toddler angel, who ducked and weaved just as good as Eda was. “Ha, you’ll have to try better than-” he got cut off by the secondary school of spoons hitting him like a hail of silver. “Ahh! Quit it!” He yelled in pain as he tried to fly away from the cutlery.

“How am I going to explain this to anyone?” Camila muttered in sheer despair and he tugged on her sleeve to get her attention before pointing at the rest of the dining room.

The audience was enamored, utterly transfixed like it was the greatest show they had ever seen. They clapped and made approving noises at all the commotion as they followed the action like it was free theater. Which, he supposed, it truly was to humans.

“I wonder how they got our plates to do all of that…?” A woman behind him muttered to her wife as they stared at the glowing plates flying everywhere.

“I’m going to have to bring my kids to this next time!” A man said approvingly as he watched the action like a sports game.

“... well, that's one problem solved at least.” Camila said gratefully.

Finally, Eda summoned the owl to her and transformed it into a staff, much to his amazement. “Eat staff, jerks!” She yelled before bringing it down on the head of the golden lamb, who winced before filing fork after fork at her like javelins.

The purple lamb, now free from his chase, flew over to the two of them and beamed happily. “Don’t worry, Camila! We’re going to save you from the nasty witches and rescue you and your date tonight!” He then reached over and, to his utter amazement, shook his hand warmly. “And I must say it’s an honor to meet you, sir!”

He blinked, looked behind him to make sure no one was there he could have been talking to instead, and then pointed to himself. “Me?”

“Yes sir!” The purple lamb angel said to the King of Hell itself and First Of The Fallen Ones. “Anyone who caught the eye of someone like her must be a good person.”

Lucifer Monringstar smiled gratefully. “She is something, that is true.”

“Flirt later.” Camila said, a blush on her cheeks and fire in her eyes. “First, I want an explanation for… all of this.” She growled out, and he tried not to think about how attractive it was.

“We’re saving you, just like I said.” the angel replied happily, saluting them both. “We just need to take care of the both of them and we can-”

Eda, a war cry on her lips, brought a fist down on the purple angel’s head, sending him bouncing off the ground before she brought her staff around into a vicious hit that sent him flying through the kitchen window where many crashes and screams echoed out. “Home down!” Eda cried out happily.

He had so many different questions, all of them fighting for prominence, but he found himself asking the basics first. “Home down?”

“That’s what humans say when they succeed at sports ball…” she said before glancing and seeing that it was him who said that. “Aw farts. Ignore that.”

He blinked and opened his mouth to reply-

The golden lamb finally got the upper hand over Raine and began flinging anything and everything she could get her hands on at both Raine and their fox. “Down with witches!” She screamed before she launched a rather large rock from the little rock garden at the base of the tree at Raine’s head.

Raine simply knocked the rock aside with some of their glowy magic, sending it towards the toddler angel, who knocked it away with a golden crossbow towards Eda who simply dodged.

Unfortunately, she was standing in front of him. Something he took note of when the rock hit him full in the head and sent him to the ground.

**********

Camila saw Lucius get beaned with a rock.

She saw him hit the ground in a slump before groaning and rubbing his head.

Something inside of her snapped, and she belatedly realized it was her last thread of patience.

She may not have had the practice using La Chancla that her mother had had, never once even dreaming of using it on Luz despite how often her own mother used it on her, and yet she was certain that her mom would be proud as she took off one of her heels, grabbed it by the pitch, and threw it with as much force as she could right at the little bastard’s head. “¡Jodete!” she roared as her heel flew through the air and hit the little pendejo like a homing missile.

The toddler who wasn't actually a toddler but actually a demon went down like a sack of potatoes and she growled in satisfaction before she turned to the golden lamb, who looked at her in shock. “Wait, wait, wait!” She cried out, arms held in front of her. “I didn’t mean to-”

“¡Te voy a dar un puñetazo en la cara!” She yelled out as she approached… only to blink as a bunch of chefs ran out of the kitchen, screaming about a fire.

Everyone stopped and stared right up until the explosion hit. It was a mild one, something that didn't even take them off their feet, and yet it blew her hair out of place as fire began to spread from the kitchen out to the walls around it. The purple lamb flew out in a hurry, putting out a small flame on his tail as he did so.

“Collin!” The golden one screamed, flying over to grab the purple lamb by the shoulders and shaking him like a ragdoll. “What did you do, Collin!?”

“Well…” he muttered, looking anywhere but at her. “I might have landed in a way that sent a whole thing of hot grease towards an open flame, which spread quickly onto the grease traps above… which spread shockingly quickly throughout the kitchen, I mean wow. It was very easy for that fire to spread-”

“Collin!” She screamed, still shaking him like a toy. “Collin, there are humans here!” She slapped him a few times before turning his head towards the people. The people who, as of now, were starting to realize that this wasn't, in fact, part of the show.

And that there may not have been a show to begin with.

Before anyone could get up and begin screaming, other than the chefs that was, Raine began fiddling like their life depended on it. Water came from all over the place: outside, the bathrooms, the tables… all of it collected together and began spraying the fire like a hose as the raging inferno died down. An entire half of the restaurant was covered in soot and ashes but nobody was hurt.

Yet, anyway.

She looked at the crowd of people before her, all of whom looked back at her, and tried for a smile. "Now I know what you saw may have looked real-" a burning branch, smoldering on the tree alongside many others, fell to the ground with a mighty crash of wood and embers and broke the silence of the dining room.

A patron stood up, breathed in, and screamed at the top of their lungs as a bunch of people got up from their tables and rushed towards the exit. The owner was among them as he tried to bring order to the chaos and herd everyone into a more workable line than a clustered mob. Said clustered mob all gathered around the door and tried to leave all at once, thus jamming themselves stuck into a pile at the front of the mob.

"Eda, we have a situation!" She said nervously, already seeing her reputation in the town fall even further than it already had... and if that was the limit of what happened here she would be lucky. She could see it now" Government agents outside her doors, media outside her windows...

"sh*t." Eda cursed as she saw the crowd struggling to get free of the cluster they were stuck in. "Damn it, that's bad!" She began looking around anxiously at everything around her, as if looking for a solution. "sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! I don't know what to- wait." She reached up and pulled a bottle out of her hair.

She looked between the woman and her incredibly bushy hair and wondered what kind of magical hair conditioner would allow her to do that herself. "Almost forgot about you guys..." Eda muttered before she uncorked the bottle and flung it like football towards the owner. The glass bottle broke apart midair and went from a spray of light blue water into a light blue mist that covered the owner and made him fall over to the floor, snoring away. Eda began reaching into her hair and throwing bottle after bottle of more hazy blue liquid towards Raine, who fiddled even faster to catch them all and throw them at the crowd. The bottles arced through the air like little bombs, catching the light of the fires around them and glinting like stars before the glasses exploded into little puffs of gas that fell over the mob like a blanket, which caused each and every patron to collapse into a heap by the door, snoring slightly.

“Okay Rainestorm, got some memory tweezers ready to work.” Eda said, the Owl Lady holding a fanged appliance in her hands that looked like a more medieval version of tweezers. Raine nodded and started trying to calm down some of the still raging flames with some magic.

“What… What was that?” She and the golden lamb asked at the same time, something that enjoyed her and caused her to glare at the little jerk who had the decency to cringe away.

“That, my friend and... whatever you are blondie, was one of the only forms of magic I can still do without glyphs: potions!” Eda crooned out, pulling an old timey photograph out of the owner's ear. “Once it hits air, it turns into a gas that knocks you out for a few minutes, just enough time to get the most recent memories out of everyone’s heads.” She stared forlornly at the sleeping pile of patrons as she approached them, "Came in handy so many times dodging coven guards back in the day I almost forgot they were there... I think that was my last batch ever."

Camila just stared open mouthed for a few moments, wondering what to do-

“Well, we can fight without interference now!” The golden lamb said happily and she suddenly knew exactly what to do.

She marched over to the two flying lamb demons and grabbed them both by the ear, dragging them over to the downed pendejo demon who was now getting up with a massive welt on his forehead. ‘Good’ she thought to herself viciously, ‘It will match my boyfriend’s.’

She was a patient woman, years and years of stuffing down every negative emotion she had so as to try and not live up to stereotypes like her mother did alongside her own nature gave her the patience of a saint. She had a high tolerance for annoyances, especially after years of being Eda’s friend and letting her lovely daughter run wild in the demon realm.

She was, however, only human at the end of the day. And she had limits to her patience.

Seeing her night go up in literal smoke and her boyfriend go down with a head injury and endangering countless people here tonight was just about all she was willing to take right now.

“Wha… What hit me?” The pendejo demon asked groggily as she flung his two buddies next to him on either side.

“I did.” She growled out. She was tired, she was pissed off, she was worried about many different things right now… she was done with their bullsh*t as of this moment. “And I'll do it again if you don't keep quiet and very still right now.”

“But-” The purple one said nervously, clearly not used to being yelled at like this. “But you work for Em-”

She grabbed the heel from where it had fallen next to the pendejo and began to twirl it dangerously, causing the purple lamb to gulp and quiet down.

“You three-” She breathed in, counted to five, and then breathed out. “-have made an entire mess of this evening, hurt my boyfriend, endangered countless lives, and burned down half of a restaurant that I was really looking forward to being at tonight.”

She glared at the three of them. They cringed and looked sheepish. “You…” The golden lamb gulped nervously and looked at her friends. “You wont tell Her about this, will you?”

… Who was ‘her?’ Luz maybe? Were they so terrified of her daughter going kaiju on them for attacking her mentor they didn't want her to find out? If not her, then who? Honestly, she was just a bit too exasperated to find out or even sugarcoat it for them. “I might if you misbehave again.”

They shivered and huddled close together. “Please don't.” The pendejo begged, his eyes wide and watery. “She would… she would…” he began crying, big fat tears running down his cheeks as the other two hugged him and looked at her like she was a monster.

Yeah, no, she was officially done with this. “You know what?” She said, rubbing her forehead angrily. “You can go home tonight so long as you promise to never bother me or my friends ever again.”

That certainly cheered the little bastards up, causing them to look up at her hopefully as she promptly turned around and called out to Raine. “Put them in a sack and take them back home before I change my mind.”

Raine, now finishing up with calming the flames, simply turned to their wife. “You have something I can stuff them in?”

“Maybe the kitchen has something that survived?” Eda replied as she made her way through the sleeping patrons at a rising pace, hurrying things along as they began to stir.

Raine rushed into the kitchen and, after a moment, returned while dumping out a sack of potatoes onto the floor and holding the now empty bag open for the three of them. “Get in.”

The three demons looked from them to her and tried to plead with their eyes. “Can we just go with you instead?” The pendejo asked. "We don't trust them to-"

She shrugged her shoulders and turned around to see if her boyfriend was okay, ignoring the struggle that broke out behind her from Raine trying to wrestle the little bastards into the sack. Lucius was sitting up and rubbing his head gingerly, a wince on his face as he tried to stand. “Here,” she said hurriedly, rushing over to help him up. “Let me help.”

“Thanks, Cam.” He said gratefully as he stood up fully, cracked his back, and rolled his shoulders. “That was… unpleasant.”

“Tell me about it.” She looked at her date and was relieved to find out he was basically okay other than the bruise on his forehead. “You feel alright? I can call an ambulance if you-”

“No, no, no.” He waved off her concern with a smile, grinning at her with a wink. “I wont let a rock defeat me.”

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder, opening her mouth to try to begin explaining-

Sirens cut through the air and she winced before sighing. “We should probably leave through a back exit.” She said as she led him towards one of the fire exits. “I don't want to deal with police questions right now.” She turned to Eda. “Are you and Raine safe to take care of things from here?”

“We’re basically done as is so we just need to get the little sh*ts out of here.” Eda said as she gathered up all the photos and stuffed them into her hair, before wincing as the sirens got louder and the people began to waken. “You good with leaving on your own, Rainestorm?”

Raine, holding a struggling and squirming bag in her hands as she fought to keep the three demons still, winced as she stepped beside the couple. “I really don't- would you quiet down!?” They yelled as they hefted the sack over their shoulders. “I’m good to go I guess.”

“Let's get out of here.” She said as the people awoke, the cops and fire truck arrived, and the chaos began.

**********

The restaurant gently smoldered in the background, smoke rising from the domicile as the fireteam made every effort to calm the dying flames. Nobody was hurt, though a few superficial cuts from flying cutlery and falling debris made for many an unhappy customer as they all milled about outside confused as all hell about what happened.

“So… it was a gas fire?” Armando De Luca, owner of Dolce Vita and son of its old founder, rubbed his thinning hair and frowned as he tried in vain to remember anything and everything that happened this evening. He was coming up blank, which was confusing him greatly.

Eda smiled nervously and tried not to laugh awkwardly, knowing it would cause the situation to deteriorate even more than it already had. “Yep, I saw the cooks run out with their pants on fire, screaming about a gas leak or something.”

Gas leaks, she didn't know what they were but they were something that humans worried about a lot according to what she had read over the years. It made for a good excuse for everything now that both her and Raine had memory tweezered everyone of the events, leaving a bunch of very confused guests and a lot of unanswered questions.

Still better than the alternative as far as she was concerned.

The portly man before her frowned but nodded after a moment, his brow still furrowed. “I wish I could remember anything that happened tonight… but maybe it’s for the best. I don't know what I'll say to my father but at least the place is salvageable.”

“That’s the spirit!” She said happily, forcing as much cheer into her voice as she could. A few cops made their way over to the owner and she decided now would be a good time to make herself scarce. She didn’t care that they weren’t stooges serving a tyrannical megalomaniac, she still never talked to cops.

She made her way far enough that nobody would be looking and decided to take out Owlbert from her bushy hair, making her way out of Gravesfield and towards the shack to the Isles.

She touched down right outside the shack and found Raine struggling to keep the little bastards in the sack they were tied in, their clothes still soot-covered and cut up from the fight before and they looked surprisingly annoyed as they held onto the struggling sack like it was a liquid slipping through their hands.

“Thank the Titan.” They gasped out, Tilly hissing at the sack like it had personally offended her. “I thought you would never get here.”

“Had to cover up some loose ends.” She told her lovely spouse, frowning at the squirming bag. “They in there?”

“Despite their best efforts, yes.” Raine said almost at the same time as a voice called out “Let us out this instant!” from inside the sack.

Eda frowned as Raine, lovely and clear-minded Raine, shook the sack back and forth vigorously and shouted at it to quiet down. “Eda!” They begged, exasperated and not a little bit of despair in their voice. “I can’t keep these little… these little bastards calm enough to force them through the door!”

Eda laughed in surprise. “Oh come on, Rainestorm,” she said, going over to grab the sack as a blonde wooled head made its way out of the top of it. “They're about as big as King is, It can’t be that ba-”

“We will never surrender!” The blonde lamb shouted angrily and bit down hard on Eda’s outstretched hands. Hard. She screamed and began to fling the head, and thus the rest of the sack, back and forth wildly as she shouted every curse known to witch and demonkind, and some known only to humans. "You will never defeat us!" the little blonde monster tried to shout between her teeth before she finally got the demon off of her hand.

“Victory for the Cherubs!” The blonde shouted gleefully before she punched the little monster back into the bag. "You may have fooled Camila but you will never fool-"

“Yeah, no, f*ck these guys.” She decided, grabbing the bag and throwing a few leftover sleeping mist positions into the sack. She waited for the squirming to die down before she and her spouse sighed in relief, sagging slightly as they finally got a moment to breathe.

“Okay, let’s get the little bastards back to Bonesborough and get the hell out of there.” she said with finality as she glared hatefully at the sack of monsters. Raine opened their mouth to argue that it would be irresponsible to just leave angry demons in the middle of town before they remembered all the gryphonsh*t they just went through and closed their mouth.

“Alright, I'll drop them off, you… you go get some rest. I’ll meet up with you in a bit or so.” She said as she mounted Owlbert and readied to fly. She paused as something occurred to her and she looked back at her spouse. “You see Cam or her dork?”

Raine paused and then shrugged. “I sort of lost track of them a while back now, you think they’re okay?”

**********

“And you’re sure you're okay?” Camila asked nervously as they made their way down the street, the overhead lights shining down like beacons as they walked. His coat was wrapped around her shoulders as they walked, the pristine white material almost shining in the moonlight.

“Thank you for the concern but I'm fine.” Lucifer said once more, rubbing the welt on his forehead gingerly. “Just a little bruise is all.”

She frowned at him but he smiled in response. He was flattered by her concern, truly, and didn't want her to worry so he put on a brave face and continued. He was the King of Hell, he wouldn't be defeated by a mere rock.

Hopefully, anyway.

“So…” he began, wondering where to even start with everything. “You have any idea what that was all about?”

She sighed and nodded, to which he kept quiet for a moment. “I’m a little fuzzy on the details due to being hit in the head but was Raine really-?”

“Yes, they were.” She said, nodding.

“And that owl, did it really-?”

“Yes, he did.”

He fell silent for another moment. “Huh.” was all he said after thinking it over. After all, what was there to say.

Finally, they made their way in front of a small pale house with a blue roof, which looked homey and quaint. Then again, he lived in a castle so he may have been a bit skewed on what counted as ‘small’ or ‘quaint.’ He was certain this was a large and imposing human house, something that was the envy of all its neighbors “This is me.” She said shyly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and staring at him expectantly.

“It looks nice! Very nice indeed.” He nodded and placed a hand on his chin as he looked it over. He smiled and turned to her, trying to convey how much he liked her home with looks alone.

She rolled her eyes but giggled to herself, leaning over to place her head on his shoulder. He rested his head on hers and there they stood for a few moments just soaking in the experience of enjoying each other's presence.

“I was actually having a wonderful moment until the end there.” She sighed, weariness in her words as she kept leaning on him. “I didn’t… I really didn't want tonight to end like that.”

He tried to lighten the mood somewhat, “It’s not like you knew that was going to happen at least.” He said with a chuckle.

She was silent, not saying a single thing as his laughter slowly died out to nothing. “You… uh…” He awkwardly scratched the back of his head as he looked over at her. “You didn't know that was going to happen, right?”

She remained silent before looking over to meet his eyes. “I… we need to talk about some things.” Oh, oh dear. That was never a good thing to hear. “I didn't want it to happen so soon or like that but it’s a talk worth having now.”

“I… err, what exactly do we need to talk about?”

She sighed, something bone-deep and weary. “Those creatures, and what exactly they were.”

Well, that was a better answer than he had feared. He didn't know what she knew about heavenly creatures but he would listen to her either way. “Well, I'm ready to talk now if you-”

“I’m not, though.” She said, staring at the house sadly. “I kind of just want to pretend that never happened for one more night and deal with it in the morning, if that’s alright with you.”

He shrugged, then realized she wasn't looking at him and so didn't see it at all. “I’m fine with giving you as much time as you need.”

She laughed. “That’s good, because I need to gather some people and get some things ready before I even begin to explain… all of that.” She fell silent again, just taking comfort from his very presence.

“Other than that though, I had a good time tonight.” Her voice was warm as she spoke, her words causing him to smile. “I especially liked the serenade.”

“I could tell.” Her kiss was seared into his mind, he’d be remembering it for a while. “Believe me.”

She laughed slightly and got her head off him, staring at him with the same expectation she had before.

Well, let it not be said he was dense and couldn't pick up on a clue.

He gently cupped her face and brought his own forward to meet her lips, her own reaching out to meet him as they gently kissed. It was a romantic thing, one filled with passion as they melted into one another. A single streetlight shined down on them from above, illuminating the kiss as one hand reached over to hug her while another reached out to gently stroke her hair.

They broke apart after a minute and just stared at one another for a moment. He was fairly certain that he had a dopey smile on his face as he looked at her like she had hung the stars themselves around them.

“Do you… want to join me?” She asked shyly, her cheeks burning.

He nodded happily and was slowly led inside the house.

**********

“Eh, I’m sure they’re both alright.” Eda said, waving away the concerns as she hauled the sack of little monsters over her shoulder and kicked off the ground, Owlbert responding and beginning to hover. “Come on, I want to get these little bastards out of my hair as soon as I can.”

Raine looked stern as they readied Tilly into their staff form and kicked off, the two witches flying through the door as three cherubs slumbered gently into a woolen sack.

“Welcome to the Boiling Isles!” A cheerful and young voice sounded out as the two staff riding witches made their way through the door. “Watch your step.”

**********

Cletus awoke to the sound of whistling wind and a pair of wings in his face.

The last thing he remembered was fighting to help Keenie out of the sack they had all been stuffed into after all the unpleasantness in the restaurant. Accidentally setting an entire locale on fire was something that he was fairly certain that Heaven looked at unkindly. Getting captured by witches who had successfully fooled Emily's agent was even worse, however, because who knows if they would actually take them home or just dump them somewhere knew to fend for themselves. He didn't want to be stuck in the human world for another year, he didn't know if he could take it after being given hope that he might go home.

… Would home even welcome them back after almost killing a bunch of humans?

Oh gosh, what would Emily say if she could see the three of them now?

“Cletus?” Collin’s voice was still sleepy as he struggled beneath him, limbs kicking and hitting as he tried to angle himself out from under the toddler cherub. “Can you get off of me?”

“Maybe if Keenie gets her wings out of my face.”

He got a hoof to the face for that, the blonde lamb looking pissed off as she started struggling once more. “I just need to get back out there and show them what’s what!” Her wings began flapping in agitation, causing him to almost sneeze as the feathers tickled his whole face.

“Seriously, you’re both very heavy!” Collin complained, his voice whiny.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Keenie asked angrily.

“Calm it, let’s get out first and then we can-”

The whistling of air passing them by stopped just like the feeling of movement did, and they were unceremoniously dropped on the ground. Hard stone met them and all three of them winced in brief pain and discomfort.

“Alright you little sh*ts.” One of their captors, the gray haired witch from the sounds of things, said suddenly. “You’re back home like Cam promised, so promptly get the heck out and never bother any of us ever again.”

He froze up just like Collin and Keenie did. “We’re… we’re home?” Keenie asked nervously, the blonde lamb sounding close to tears.

No answer was received as the sound of feet walking away passed by their ears and suddenly they were alone. He stopped and listened, and found the noise of a city all around them: people talking or rushing by, feet against hard cobblestone, and the smell of street-food in the air. Perhaps it was just another human city… except for the air.

He found that the air was hotter and more humid than in the human world, almost like it was… bathed in the light of Him On High.

Collin and Keenie were arguing, the two cherubs fighting like cats as he felt a large grin spread across his face.

“This isn’t the human world.” He said suddenly, causing his two friends to quiet down and listen for the same things he did. He couldn't see anything due to the darkness but he could certainly feel when they realized the same thing he did: Collin began to try and stand up to dance while Keenie’s wings began flapping rapidly like a hummingbird’s.

“We’re back?” Collin asked nervously, a near reverence in his words. He didn't blame the purple lamb, he was almost too scared to look outside the sack itself for fear this was all a dream.

“We’re home!” Keenie cheered, clawing and gnawing her way through the sack like a rabid animal as she tried to get back to Cherub-town. “Oh, I can't wait to see everyone again! I’m going back to my parent’s and I'm never freaking leaving!”

He wanted to chide her for her rude language but was too happy to care, joining her in trying to tear open the sack with his fingers and teeth. “I’m going back to the Therapy Corps!” Collin cheered as he finally finished tearing the sack to ribbons of canvas.

“We’re finally home!” They all cheered as they left the sack, ready to be welcomed back into His holy realm and bask in His light.

Moonlight was what they were greeted by. Moonlight… and monsters.

Monsters of every shape and size were just walking about like it was nobody's business: A pale green man with a dozen eyes all over his body, a centaur with a face on his abdomen, what looked to be a pale purple lady with three massive eyes and wide sweeping horns walking by on a pair of hooves….

Pointy eared humans seemed to also be walking by as they did business at various stalls and kiosks, passing strange coins for even stranger items with somehow even stranger vendors. There was a pointy eared pig haggling with a tall and shaggy four-eyed goat thing at one of the stalls.

The local décor was also monstrous: veins and flesh all over, massive eyes staring out from rooftops, a colossal arm holding a mansion atop it’s palm rising out every now and again like skyscrapers…

And above it all, a skull shaped moon stared balefully down from the dark sky far above.

“This… isn’t heaven.” Keenie said, her voice faint.

“I… I thought she worked for Heaven…” Collin muttered hollowly.

He, however, had one thing to say.

“WHAT THE FUC-”

Notes:

The cherubs WILL return... in my first sidestory. That's right, this story has gotten big enough that I need to start writing sidestories.
I'm so happy, you have no idea.
Anyway, A Divine Offshoot: CHERUB Vs The Boiling Isles will be a short one, about ten or so chapters so i can wrap up their story without distracting from the main one you know? It will be extremely focused on the BI, obviously, and will cover some characters new and old as I try to give the Cherubs a nice ending that they may or may not deserve.
Expect it to be posted... sometime soon. Probably Sunday or something.
Next chapter: Lucifer and Camila have a nice morning to talk things out, meanwhile the plot begins to start.

Chapter 25: Revelations during breakfast

Summary:

A breakfast to remember: What is the Boiling Isles? Will Lucy believe it? Why am i bringing the Plot into this?

Notes:

So i've come to the conclusion that i actually want to keep to a Tue-Thur-Sat schedule for the duration of the summer.
Mon-Wed-Fri worked when i was in college because i posted before i went to class but now there is no class to do so ill post before i go running these days i suppose. I'm trying to get fit so writing before this is my plan.
Anywho, this chapter isn't quite the reveal chapter but will set it up. Trust in the plan, trust that i have one at least. Because i do. The reveal is Soon:tm:
Please enjoy

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer awoke and briefly wondered where in the hell he was. This was not his bedroom back in the Morningstar Palace, this was much smaller and far more lacking in mountains of rubber ducks…

He stretched and found that he was shirtless and in human disguise, and that was enough of a reminder to cause all the memories of last night to rush back into his head: his lovely date with Cam, meeting her friends, getting into a fiddle competition with one of them and losing to them, and then serenading Cam before a live audience before the lovely kiss they shared.

Oh, and the cherubs who ruined everything, he definitely remembered that Heaven was sticking its nose into his business.

He rolled out of the admittedly comfy bed and stumbled his way throughout an unfamiliar room, hands outstretched as he felt his way along the walls towards a side mirror and sat down. His hair was unkempt and he had a few lipstick marks on his face but otherwise he was just as he was.

He briefly wondered if he should reapply his disguise so he was picture perfect before deciding against it, it would draw more attention to Cam and him than he would be comfortable with.

No, today he would do it like mortals do.

The sun was just beginning to crest the horizon and bathe the world in its light, warm rays spreading across the street outside and letting him actually see where he was. It was a nice looking room with pale blue walls with many pictures of many different people all around it. The vanity he sat at was littered with many different self-care products and a mirror that had what looked to be a graduation photo of Cam’s daughters hugging while in black robes and holding diplomas.

There was another photo, though. One of a younger looking Camila and Luz standing happily next to a smiling bearded man with warm tan skin and kind looking hazel eyes. He was smiling wide and proud, an arm around Cam and a happy looking Luz between them.

He swallowed nervously. “Um, hey.” he said awkwardly to the photo for lack of anything better to do.

The photo said nothing back.

He scratched his head nervously and tried to keep looking at the photo. He knew exactly who this was and didn't want to be disrespectful, but found himself glancing away after a moment. “I, um, I promise to take care of her?” He gulped and then actually got himself to look at the photo again. “I mean, I won't let you down… wherever you are.”

Why in Hell did he say that? ‘Wherever you are?’ He knew exactly where a man like that was and it wasn’t anywhere near him or the Seven Rings. Probably sunbathing on a cloud somewhere…

“I promise I’m nothing like what Dad or his favorite kid say I am in their fancy schmancy book.” He muttered only slightly bitterly before nodding seriously. “I'll do right by her, I promise.”

Behind him, still in the bed, Cam rolled over and muttered something in her sleep and he shook his head. He was talking to a photo of a dead man he had never met before… He really must be tired after everything that happened last night. ‘Not like I got any sleep…’ he thought and almost chuckled before he looked at the photo and winced.

Probably best not to think such things here and now.

He got up from the vanity and, only in trousers, sat back down on top of the bed. He looked around for wherever he threw his jacket before he spied it tossed on the floor. He ruffled around in one of the pockets before bringing out a small paperback book. It was one of the many parenting books he had purchased after the coronation, not wanting to make any mistakes in his new dealings with Char-char.

“Might as well get some reading done…” he muttered as he opened up from where he had last left off and began devouring the self-help book once more.

**********

Camila stirred slowly awake. The sun was streaming happily through the windows and she groaned as she stretched out like a cat.

Today, she decided, was a wonderful morning. She felt… gosh, she felt absolutely amazing! Last night was a wonderful night, she couldn’t even think of any reasons it wasn’t. She didn't even mind that the restaurant burned down…

The full night played out through her mind and she winced, remembering the little annoyances that had in fact almost ruined the night.

She sat up and rubbed her forehead in annoyance, wondering how in God’s name she was even going to begin explaining the existence of another dimension full of witches and demons to her boyfriend-

“Morning, Cam.” A voice said from next to her, the sound of a turning page breaking her train of thought.

‘Speak of the devil and he shall appear…’ she thought with a smile as she turned to see Lucius sitting atop the blankets in his dress pants, reading a small book as he looked over at her and smiled. She felt one spread across her face as well as she looked at the sunlight hit his golden hair just so, causing it to almost shine like an angel’s.

There really was nothing quite like waking up next to someone who liked you and who you liked back as far as she was concerned.

“Morning.” She said, reaching over to grab her glasses off the nightstand and put them on before smiling as she laid back down and looked at her shirtless boyfriend. He was wiry, but built like an endurance runner with all those tight muscles… She felt her cheeks burn slightly as she caught herself staring now that she could properly see him.

“I wanted to go make breakfast like last time but, uh…” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he glanced away, chuckling nervously. “I don't know where anything is and didn't want to get up and leave like last time so I just, er, stayed here and read.”

She smiled before glancing down at the book he held in his lap. “What are you reading?”

He chuckled awkwardly before closing it and placing a snake themed bookmark on the page. “Just a self-help book I picked up a few weeks ago.” She glanced down before he placed it next to him.

‘How To Suck Less At Being A Dad: A Guide For Parents’

“I’m just trying to make sure I don't make any mistakes with Char-char, you know?” He said as he patted the book like an old friend. She turned away from him and glanced at the shelf that once held so many different self-help books of her own that she had bought after that horrible rainy night where Luz had admitted to choosing the Demon Realm over home.

She had no right to judge.

“I understand perfectly.” She said with a small, sad smile. “I read some of my own a couple of years ago due to… reasons.” She prayed he wouldn't ask, she wasn't quite ready to get into that particular mess of emotions and failures.

Luckily he didn't ask about it, maybe sensing the sore subject it was as he gave her a comforting smile and simply leaned back to join her. The two lovebirds lay together for another moment, simply enjoying the morning as sunlight streamed through the window before the rumbling of someone’s stomach made her realize it was probably time for breakfast.

“Go," She got up and began to shoo him out of the room. “I need to get dressed and I don't want you around to distract me from it.”

He opened his mouth for a moment before pausing and then nodding. “Fair.” He said simply before he began to make his way downstairs.

Left alone once more she sat down at the Vanity and began to take measure of the damage: Smeared lipstick, a few hickies, and horribly tangled hair… god she looked like a mess. Totally worth it though.

She glanced up and saw Manny’s photo staring down at her and a pang of guilt worked its way through her before she swallowed it and nodded. “He makes me very happy.” She said as she stared at the picture. “I think you two would have been friends had you known each other.”

The photo said nothing.

She liked to believe he approved of her actions, wanted and prayed that his spirit would understand… Those were thoughts for a different day, however. One where she wasn’t so happy and content with everything.

And one where she didn't have a bunch of difficult revelations to make.

“Give me strength, Manny.” She muttered before she began to clean up.

**********

Breakfast, as many people have said over the decades, was the most important meal of the day.

Back when he was in a depressive fugue state he had skipped many a breakfast… or eating altogether. It wasn’t the best decision to make or even anywhere close to the smartest and yet it was what he had done. He liked to believe he was better now, however: What with the pills he had finally gotten from Belph and with the added nature of actually leaving the palace for prolonged periods of time.

Yeah, he liked to believe he was doing better.

Usually he would have servants make him whatever and simply scarf down what was put in front of him, not really caring for all the rigamarole that a lot of the nobility of Hell liked to put into their meals: no fancy courses or announcing what was what and who made it, no turning the whole thing into a circus. Just eating.

Human breakfast, he found, was much the same.

He and Cam worked together to make a nice meal for themselves that wasn’t just a simple bowl of cereal. Personally, he didn't know what a ‘Revoltillo’ was or a ‘Batida De Lechoza’ but he was eager to find out.

Turns out, they were both delicious. Creamy scrambled eggs with so many different spices that he had never tried before alongside an almost unearthly milkshake made with whatever a ‘Papaya’ was. He didn't know but now he needed more of them in his life.

Sitting at a round table across from Cam, he ate away at his food while trying to be as polite about it as he could, not wanting to appear like a pig or something. The yellow walls of the kitchen and dining room combo looked happy enough, not like the gargantuan thing that he had back at the castle. No, this was for someone who liked to make their own meals and he liked how simple it was.

Well, technically it was the kitchen of someone who didn't live in their own castle but that was neither here nor there.

He kept glancing up at Cam every now and again, trying to gauge her reaction to his own actions or just see how she was doing. She seemed lost in her own little world, staring into her breakfast like it held the secrets of everything while she stirred the Revoltillo around with a fork.

“So!” He began just a bit loudly, wanting to try and get a smile out of her. “Last night was amazing, we really should go out to other restaurants.”

She cracked a smile and he internally cheered.

“Last night certainly was a blast, that’s true.” She said as she stared at him. “I still can’t believe you serenaded me.”

“I told you before,” He said, swallowing his eggs quickly so he wasn't talking while chewing like an animal. “It’s a crime you’ve never been serenaded before and I aimed to change that.”

Her cheeks went a little red and she chuckled to herself, he counted that as another victory. The smile slowly drained, however, and she squared her shoulders before looking at him expectantly. “I assume you have many questions?”

He blinked oddly at her. “Questions?”

“About how the date ended.” She said with a small sigh. “It’s not every day that otherworldly beings try to attack you, after all.”

Oh, that.

To be honest, he had completely forgotten that a small squad of cherubs had tried to date-crash him, mostly because they hadn’t even seemed to know who he was and so weren’t that big of a priority after that. Sure, they were harassing Cam’s friends but her friends apparently knew magic so he didn't really worry that hard about them going up against the lowest caste of Heaven.

Oh, right, the magic. That was something he had been wondering about but from the sounds of things he should be focusing on the angels first.

“I guess I’m just wondering why you’re not freaking out about them is all.” He finally decided that was a good question to ask. He was still trying to figure out how to ask ‘What are angels?’ without revealing he was the literal devil and driving her away forever due to him being the epitome of absolute evil to all humanity.

“You know my daughter, yes?” He nodded and she rallied on. “I told you that she was studying movie magic in California.”

Ah, yes, the glorious archipelago of California with its mighty capital of Los Angeles. He knew… literally only that about the country, having learned even that only last night at dinner. He opened his mouth to ask which island of California she was studying on when Cam cut him off.

“I lied.”

He blinked and she seemed to stare at him for a moment, looking for any sign of negative reaction before she continued. “She’s not in California, not really. She’s actually some place far stranger.”

“Big Apple?” He asked and she shook her head.

“No, she’s not in Manhattan either.” … What in Father’s name was a Manhattan?

“She’s in a place called the Boiling Isles.” She stared at him for another moment before glancing down at her food in front of her. “This… I didn't really expect you to learn all of this so soon but last night is forcing my hand.”

She sighed and looked at him. “What’s your favorite myth?”

His favorite myth? What an odd question and yet he actually gave it some thought. He… wasn’t really as knowledgeable about what humans considered myths or not as he probably should have been given his own nature. He did know they had written down his own fall as the basis for their explanation for why evil exists. Did that count as a myth if it really happened and no one knew about it?

What was his favorite myth?

He could say the story of the apple since it was technically what led him to his first wife but he didn't want to talk about Lilith in front of his new girlfriend and he never wanted to talk about what happened to Eve… ever. He could maybe talk about the creation of the universe… but that was a bit basic and a bit wordy and also he didn't want to tempt Father more than he already had.

His favorite myth… what an odd question.

“Why do you ask?” he finally decided on simply ignoring the question and throwing it back. He was curious what it had to do-

“I’m trying to set up something.” Well, sh*t, he wasn’t getting out of this that easy… damn it, he had no choice.

“Adam and Eve I suppose.” He finally said with a small sigh. He knew that somehow, somewhere, the First Man was laughing his fat ass off in glee for reasons he couldn’t explain.

She blinked at him oddly. “I didn't know you were religious.”

‘Neither did I…’ he thought to himself before smiling. “Oh, I've always found myself in the bible, you know?”

She smiled. “I used to go to church on Sundays, even had Luz baptized and got her into a good Sunday School but, er, she didn't quite mesh with everyone so I pulled her out after a while.” She kept her eyes on him as if waiting for his reaction.

What, did she think he was going to throw a fit because her daughter didn't get along with Father’s new favorite’s fan club? “Don't worry about it, I don't mind at all..” He smiled, pearly whites glinting in the light. “It’s not for everyone.”

She shook her head. “In truth, I’ve had even less reason to go now that I've learned a few things about the world but… well…” She took a deep breath and then looked at him. “Every myth and legend is real.”

He blinked at her strangely. He didn't like where this was going…

“The Bible is probably real too, I just haven't gotten around to asking. Not sure what I would say if I learned it was… well, every myth and monster all come from the same place…” She trailed off and he very carefully didn't react.

He knew where this was going: she was going to reveal that she knew what he was and that she knew Hell and Heaven were real. After all, quite a few hellbeasts had escaped from the seven rings and made their way to earth over the centuries, to say nothing of the many higher demons that had been summoned by various humans over the years…

She knew.

He realized it with a cold certainty. She knew he was the devil, knew he was Lucifer Morningstar, the First Of The Fallen, the King of Hell. She knew. She knew. Oh dear father she knew!

She knew he had been lying.

He wanted to throw up, wanted to scream, wanted to throw himself at her feet and beg forgiveness. He opened his mouth to explain-

“The Boiling Isles are the source of every myth and legend that humanity has ever had.” She said, picking up her drink and taking a sip from it.

… huh?

He was so caught off guard that that must have slipped out because she looked up at him and laughed to herself. “When I was first told this, I thought my daughter was pretending… Then I saw that my other daughter was a shapeshifter from the Isles. A basilisk.”

He, officially, had no idea what was going on anymore.

“It’s a place of magic and demons, known as the Demon Realm.” She must have seen the look on his face because she shook her head and took a bite from her Revoltillo.

The Demon Realm… he was frowning now. It was starting to look like some demon had decided to make a fool of her by telling her all this stuff about Hell and its inhabitants.

That wouldn't do.

“Cam-” he opened his mouth to explain how just because a creature of hell said it didn't make it true when she cut him off with a wave of her fork.

“I know you don't believe me.” She said simply. “In fact, I know nothing I say will convince you… which is why I'm going to gather together everyone and some proof to prove it to you… just give me a week.” She looked at him and there was an expression of need in her eyes as she stared deeply into his. “Please… just give me a week and I can prove everything I'm saying.”

She looked so desperate, what could he do but say yes? “A week.”

She sighed in relief and he decided to continue despite himself. “Cam, I don't know about everything you said… but I do care about you so I would have given you all the time you needed even if you had never asked.”

She blinked at him and smiled. “Really?”

“Take all the time you need,” he nodded. “I’ll still be here.”

She smiled from ear to ear and went back to his food, and something occurred to him then. Something important.

“If we’re talking all serious…” he began, dabbing at his lips with a napkin. “I was hoping… to try and get everything all on board, if I could introduce Charlie to you and yours.”

She looked at him wide eyed. “You want me to meet your daughter?”

“I’ve, technically, already met yours so it’s only fair now isn’t it?” He replied. “Charlie has been asking about you and I'm not blind to the fact she has a few misgivings about the whole thing.” He saw her frown and hurried along. “But I'm sure that if the two of you met everything would be okay!”

She laughed. “I would love to meet her. I could even introduce Luz and make it a family thing.”

Now he was laughing along with her, the two of them lost in mirth. “I’m sure they’ll be fast friends. Why don't we meet next wee-”

There was a buzzing in his pocket and he fished out his phone, seeing a text from Charlie. “Ha, here she is now! Probably wondering where I am again…”

Oh dear, he hoped that Hell hadn’t fallen apart again in his absence. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going but then there was nobody to spread rumors he was dead so it was probably okay. He glanced down at the text.

‘Hey dad, can you call me when you wake up? We need to talk.’

Well, that was a little ominous. He got up from the table and made his way into the living room, passing by all the strange human knick-knacks that Cam had and not having time to enjoy any of them.

He dialed his daughter and waited patiently, staring at a strange blue and red flag with an emblem upon it as he tapped his foot, waiting. “Hey, Char-char!” He said happily as soon as she answered. “Just got your text and wondered what was going on?”

She sounded groggy as she answered him. “I… didn't really expect you to answer so quickly.”

“I’m just up a bit early so I had time to read it as soon as you sent it.”

She made a noise of agreement and seemed to fall asleep slightly. “Char?”

“Sorry, sorry, just forgot to send it last night so I woke up to do it… I actually planned to go back to sleep since it’s…” she paused for a second before responding. “Six thirty in the morning.”

He shrugged before realizing she couldn't see that and so simply replied, “Like I said, I was up early.”

“No kidding.”

“So!” He chirped, ready to take on whatever problems she had as soon as possible. “What do you want from dear old dad?”

She paused for a moment. “Just wanted to ask if you wanted to spend the event here in the hotel?”

Event? What event? “Er, sure, I’d love to sweetie.” He tried desperately to remember what event she was talking about and came up blank. “I’m still a bit groggy from being hit in the head last night so if you could tell me what event you’re talking about I’d be grateful.”

Charlie yawned loudly and simply said, “The Extermination.”

He froze, his whole boldly going rigid.

Oh, that event.

It suddenly occurred to him that it was coming up fast and would be here within the week… he had forgotten, he was so distracted with everything going on that it had completely slipped his mind

He may not have cared for Pride… but that was no excuse for forgetting his second greatest shame. Letting the Exorcists run wild throughout Pride may have been the better of two horrors, but it was still a horror. They may have been scum, may have been the worst… but they didn't deserve that.

Nobody deserved what Heaven was doing.

Father, he felt like a piece of sh*t. The weight of everything came crashing down upon him and he almost staggered from the strain, wanting to cry out or scream. The Extermination, Heaven’s last punishment. It wasn’t even a week away.

“...Oh.” He said, not knowing what else he could even say. What do you say in the face of something like this sneaking up on you?

She made another sleepy sound and he realized he would have to say something quick. “Of course I'll spend it with you, sweetie.” He frowned as he realized he would have to move a few dinners and meetings amongst the Goetias to other dates but found he didn't really care right now.

Charlie made another noise that was almost words before he decided to show mercy, “I’ll let you get back to bed, sweetie. We’ll… we’ll talk about this when you’re more awake.”

She yawned, said something that almost approached a word, and then hung up.

He stared at his phone and just sighed before putting it back in his pocket.

And he had been having such a good day before this.

“So, did you bring up the meeting…?” Cam asked before frowning in concern. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Hmm?” He looked up at her warm chocolate eyes and tried to feel happy but found he was just beating himself up too much to care. “Oh, that… Charlie wanted to tell me-”

That Heaven was going on a genocide again. That millions, tens of millions if not hundreds, would die horribly in a single day. That he was expected to stand by and watch as his ring was invaded by an army of death because the alternative was so much worse…

“She called to tell me our parent company is downsizing.” He finally decided on saying. “A lot of people are going to lose their li-jobs.”

“Oh,” She looked at him sadly and stood up to hug him, he let himself be comforted even though he didn't deserve it. “I’m sorry, Lucy.”

“Yeah,” he muttered as he hugged her back. “Me too.”

They stood there for a few moments before he finally broke away, staring at her with an expression of guilt. “I… I need to go make ready for it, so I guess I'm leaving.”

She frowned, “You aren’t just doing this because of what we talked about, are you?”

He shook his head and she relaxed slightly. “I’m sorry, I know what I said sounds insane but I just had to make sure.”

“I understand.” He smiled at her. “Like I said, take all the time you need… but, er, I’ll probably be busy for a week or two so I'll call you when I’m ready to bring Charlie over.” He reached out and held her hands. “I want to make this work, I really do… we’ll keep talking while I’m gone, okay?”

She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him and he let it happen, a spark of selfishness making him ignore the guilt in favor of taking comfort from his girlfriend.

It was a far more quiet Lucifer that left the Noceda’s than the one that entered, more morose and sad as he struggled with what was happening.

He held the phone in his hands as he turned everything over in his mind, wanting to figure out where to even begin with everything. He wanted Cam and Charlie to meet and almost got a plan going when he had the bombshell dropped on him that he had forgotten the Extermination. And now he had to think over what sort of demon was lying to his girlfriend about this ‘Boiling Isles’ nonsense and plan for the Extermination and try to plan a meeting between his daughter and his girlfriend’s family.

It was a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.

He frowned as he wondered what demon was playing Cam for a fool and almost snarled as a thought appeared in his mind. ‘I swear to Father if it’s Blitz I'll make him regret ever being born…’ he thought furiously as he clenched his fist.

A click sounded through the air.

He blinked as he looked at his phone, fearing that it had been broken in his anger but found it perfectly fine. Then what was that sound coming from?

He looked up and saw a woman lowering a camera from across the street. She had bone-white hair that hung down to her chin and a gray tabard over black leggings with thigh high combat boots alongside elbow length white gloves. She lowered the camera and he thought for a single second that she had golden eyes.

He opened his mouth to try and call out to her when a human truck passed by, the eighteen wheeler driving by the road with what looked to be an image of a smiling arrow called an Amazon Prime on the side of it.

Once the truck was passed, the woman was gone.

‘That’s another thing to worry about I suppose…’ he thought to himself as he began to walk down the sidewalk, trying to enjoy the human world weather and ignore all his problems. It was hard, but the shining sun and fluffy clouds almost made him think everything would be okay.

HIs phone rang and he answered mindlessly. “Ye-”

“What do you mean you were hit in the head!?” Charlie freaked out on the other end. “Are you okay? Do you need help? Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have taken Razzle and Dazzle-”

He didn't sigh, he would never do that to his daughter, but he did pinch the bridge of his nose. This was going to be a long conversation…

Notes:

Wonder who that random human lady near the end was? Probably nobody important that you need to worry about...
Anywho, next chapter will probably be the last one before Hazbin plot begins proper and i get to the meaty bits of this story: The true divergence point where Hazbin plot begins to look less and less like it does in canon and more like whatever i am cooking up. The Extermination is going to bring characters new and old together and make some paradigm shifts that i've been looking forward to for awhile.
As for the Reveal-That-Isn't... Well, some may be disappointed that Lucifer isn't going to the BI anytime soon but trust me: the wait is worth it. I have a plan and the plan is proceeding exactly as forseen. Lucifer wouldnt believe in the Boiling Isles without proof anyway, which Cam doesnt have so we need to get the proof first.
But first, Extermination. Well, first Stolitz and then Extermination
Also, the book title is a reference to a rather great story you can read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53326129/chapters/134959444 It's quite good and builds nice friendship/possible romance between Stolas and Lucifer and i love it very much
Next Chapter: Stolitz, Vaggie, and Octavia prepare for the calm before the storm.

Chapter 26: Calm Before The Storm

Summary:

We take a brief glance back towards IMP as the extermination draws ever closer.

Notes:

So who here was completely gutted by Full Moon?
God, Canon Stolitz is in shambles and so am I. Luckily i have much healthier and more together Divine Romantic Comedy Stolitz to give comfort to mostly myself in these trying times. More thoughts about Full Moon and how it relates to this story down below in the end notes.
Anyway, enjoy a wholesome family + Vaggie roadtrip.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Blitz awoke from a nightmare.

It was one that he had had a lot: He had ruined everything with Stolas, made him cry, and then got cast out of the Stolas Estate because he was an eternal f*ck-up who nobody could ever truly love like that and who would die alone and unwanted…

His eyes adjusted to the dim light and he realized he was holding something incredibly fluffy. Stolas, big and beautiful Stolas, let out little owl hoots as he slept cuddled up to him like a colossal little spoon.

“A nightmare…” He muttered to himself, blinking away a few tears. “Just a nightmare.”

No, he was back in the safety of reality: Stolas and he had talked out their feelings and actually officially gotten together like he had always wanted but never dreamed of even thinking for who could ever love a failure such as him? He had a new job at the Happy Hotel and everything was going well.

He was… happy? Yeah, holding Stolas like this while they both knew they loved one another… he was very happy indeed.

He just wished the bed they were in was actually comfortable. But what could you do with a Pride Ring motel? The ‘Screw You And Pay Me’ motel was one of many that dotted the Highways of Hell, leading between the cities of the topmost ring that even now had to keep building more due to the influx of sinners from the Human World.

It was a dingy and kind of unkempt room with peeling wallpaper, a non-functional tv, and a bed that had seen better days. The less said about the dirt covered floor the better. Personally, he would have simply slept in his van if he could have gotten away with it but the van was so overfull of all the sh*t for his new office in the Happy Hotel that they had to borrow Stolas’ limo for the girls to use.

Sucks to be them because his Pimpmobile was a beast that would never fail him.

He reluctantly let go of his giant owl boyfriend and sat up to stretch, his back cracking a few times from the strain of last night’s activities. Stolas muttered something incomprehensible and proceeded to immediately curl up in a way that not only stole all of the sheets but wrapped him up like a burrito.

“Damn sexy little blanket hog…” He muttered with a half smile, causing Stolas to sit up awake.

“Wah- I’m awake, I’m awake…” Stolas said hurriedly before looking about the room in confusion. “Oh, right, the road trip.” He then turned to look at him and his smile was like the distant light of Heaven. “Good morning, Blitz.”

“Morning Stolas.” He smirked as he rolled over till he was on top of the giant bird's chest, both arms planted on either side of his head. “Whatcha thinking about?”

Stolas was blushing like crazy but still beamed at him. “Just how beautiful you are in the morning.”

Well, sh*t, he couldn't compete with that. He leaned back and tried not to blush at Stolas’ words but found himself smiling as he failed. Stolas leaned forward to embrace him and the two lovers simply basked in the feeling of one another.

“I don't want to get up.” He said finally and Stolas preened into him.

“Then don't, just stay here with me for a bit longer-” His stomach began to growl and Stolas rolled his eyes affectionately. “Go on, eat and be healthy.”

“Wouldn’t say cold fast food is healthy but whatever.” He replied as he rolled out of bed, landed on the floor, and then proceeded to start dressing once more.

Stolas reclined on the bed like a cover model, staring at him with such love and affection in his red eyes that he wanted to say screw it to eating and simply help himself to the big beautiful bird himself.

“You know… I was thinking.” Stolas began, a look of nervousness on his face. “We haven’t really gone on a date yet.”

Blitz stood up, pants now firmly on, and cracked his back again. “We only just started really dating a few days ago, you know?”

Stolas looked sad and seemed to curl up in on himself. “I was including before that. I… don't really count Ozzie’s as a real date.”

He paused, shirt in hand, and frowned. Ozzie’s was a complete disaster, one that he would be kicking himself about for a while. Sure, he and Fizz were square now but that didn't mean it still didn't sting to have his entire romantic life opened, exposed, and humiliated in front of a live audience like that.

And all because he wanted to crash Mox and Mils date. He dragged Stolas in on it and only now realized he must have given the Goetia false hope about how their relationship would go.

“I… don't really count it either.” He wrung his shirt up before carefully untangling it, not wanting to look at Stolas for fear of what he would see but doing it anyway. Stolas, his absolutely radiant boyfriend, simply smiled warmly at him as he slowly uncurled on the bed again.

“Blitz…” he began, his voice kind. “I want us to have a normal, healthy relationship. I love you for who you are and always will, and I forgive you for that night.” He shuffled closer to the edge and grabbed ahold of his hands with his own. “Now, please, forgive yourself for me.”

He blinked away a few tears and put his shirt on quickly to hide the smile on his face. “Right, yeah, I’ll try.” He actually found that he meant that, much to his surprise. He would try and do the impossible: forgiving himself. All for Stolas.

Life really was looking up for him.

“But yeah, we should go out on an official date to celebrate.” He said with a smile, his teeth glinting in the light. “Somewhere classy, but actually fun.”

Stolas beamed at him and, much to his shock, leaned forward till his face was pressed against his. “Thank you, Blitz.”

And then there was a lot of kissing with a lot of tongue. He hadn’t planned on distracting himself like this this morning and yet here he was making out with his giant of a boyfriend like it was the end of Hell itself.

When they broke apart after a while, they both had smiles of contentment on their faces. Well, he had one mixed with not a small amount of lust but it was the thought that counted.

Stolas smiled and curled up in his blanket burrito again. “I’m going to get a bit more shut eye, please save one of those delicious sandwiches for me.”

Clothed and ready to go he opened the door, swept out of it, and took In the air of Hell: Hot, acrid, and just a little bit smoky. He didn't give a sh*t, however, because he had been happy as hell for the last few days. Realizing there was someone in the world who actually loved you for you, faults and all, could do that. The sh*ttiness of Hell was just a little lesser so nowadays for him, maybe it would always be like that now and he found himself not caring if it was always just a little nice seeming.

The van was loaded down enough that only one other person could ride with him. A shiny golden Limo parked next to it that even now a bunch of homeless vagrants were trying to work their way past the magical shielding to get at the pure gold along the rims and the gems that encrusted the hood ornament. He left them to their impossible task and made his way through the driver's door of his beauty to get at the cold burgers and fries.

Everything he had ever had in his old office space was now loaded up in his van, everything that denoted him as the first Imp to run his own business now boxed up and ready to go forward as the first Imp to work with the Morningstar family. It was a little hard to go from a boss to a subordinate but since the alternative was Cocytus itself he would hold his tongue and smile.

Sitting alone in his car eating a burger made him think back to his nightmare, however, and he found himself frowning. Maybe if he were still a boss and relied on the Grimoire, he would have reacted negatively to Stolas trying to free him from their toxic transaction… Maybe if his life hadn't been upended he would have tried to play off his confession as another trick: after all, how could someone like Stolas love someone like him?

Maybe things would have crashed and burned had he not been shanghaied into working for the princess? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

But things had worked out, he and Stolas were happy. Hell, they were happier than they had been before since they now knew how the other felt! Things, for once in his entire life, were going his way fully.

A knock on the window drew him out of his thoughts and he turned to see Octavia of the House of Stolas staring at him oddly. He wondered briefly why she was here before his still sleepy brain supplied the information: Stolas had wanted to come with him as if they were honeymooning and Octavia hadn’t wanted to be alone in the mansion so she had come with Vags and Loony.

It was like a regular family road trip… and Vaggie too he supposed. Oh, and the weird little butler goats.

He turned the van on halfway, rolled down the window, and turned it off again. “Morning.” He said for lack of knowing what else to say. He and Octavia were… Well, they were. They acknowledged the others' existence and that was about it. They didn't interact, they didn't talk, and they certainly did not seek out the other in the morning to speak. He scratched the side of his face with a free hand and just stared at her, waiting.

She opened her beak and closed it a few times before finally she sagged and simply asked, “Do you have another one of those… burger’s I think they’re called?”

He nodded and grabbed another Beelzeburger, tossing it over to the heiress who began to nibble on it like it was some rare treat. “Mom would have a heart attack if she saw me eating this kind of thing.” She said with a small smile and before he could say something they would both regret about her mother she continued. “I’ve never had fast food until yesterday.”

“Wait, for real?" He was shocked until he remembered she was a Goetia heiress. Those hoity toity asshats probably didn't eat anything unless it was coated in gold leaf and cost as much as a house.

She nodded and looked down at the burger. “It’s nice I guess. I don't see what the big deal about it is.”

“The big deal?”

She looked up at him and co*cked her head to the side. “The restaurant promised this was, and I quote, ‘The Best Damn Burger In The Seven Rings!’ I just think it’s alright.”

“That’s just marketing, every burger place in every world promises that its Beelzeburger is the best but it’s all just kinda meh.” Personally he preferred McMammons but there wasn't one for miles so he was sh*t outta luck.

They ate in silence, Octavia looking at him every now and again and opening her beak to say something before closing it and going back to eating.

After the fifth time this happened he decided to help her out. “You didn't come out here to talk about burgers, did you?”

She looked at him and squared her shoulders. “No, I didn't.”

He simply raised an eyebrow at her and waited. She took a deep breath.

“Are you going to try to be my new parent now?”

He blinked and simply stared at her, her eyes defiant as she all but glared at him. “Do you…” He muttered, awkwardly shuffling about. “Do you want me to be?”

“No.” She said, before sighing and pinching the top of her beak. “Listen, I love my father. He may not be perfect but he’s always been there for me until the divorce.” She looked up at him again. “And despite my mother’s… everything, the divorce was caused by you.”

This was getting incredibly awkward and he couldn't help but start glancing about in discomfort.

She sighed and crossed her arms. “I don't… dislike you, Mr. Blitz.”

“Well, er, than-”

“But I sometimes struggle to find out what my father sees in you.” She continued mercilessly, causing him to flinch. “I wanted my parents to get back together but certain… revelations have made me realize that not only will that never happen but it might be for the best that it never happens. Like I said, I don't dislike you but I hope that whatever you see my father as, you treat him right…” She looked pained for a moment and looked away with something approaching shame, “Better than she did at least.”

He swallowed and scratched the back of his head. “So… er, get it out of your system?”

She glared at him and he chuckled nervously. “Sorry, sorry… I just, do you want me to be brutally honest?”

She hesitated for a moment and then nodded.

“For awhile there, almost entirely until when you visited a few days ago, I didn't even think your father liked me like that.” She looked confused and opened her beak and so he cut her off. “I kind of just thought I was a sex toy to him, to be honest.”

A brief look of disgust crossed her face but she soldiered on and kept listening.

“I’m… I’m not the best of people.” He frowned as he spoke, wondering why he was being so honest with a literal teenager, albeit one who was the daughter of his boyfriend so maybe that was it. “I f*ck up a lot and I kept thinking I f*cked up many different times… but now I don't actually want to f*ck up with him. I want things to work. I… I actually like him and like that he likes me.”

She stared at him and his fight or flight instincts tried to surface as he tried to fight down the instinct to be defiant and confrontational to this actual child. Finally, Octavia nodded and took another bite of her burger. “Don't mess with my father’s heart and we should be okay.”

“I promise not to destroy him.” He said with a small smile.

Another look of pure disgust crossed her face and he realized how she might take that. “No, no, no. Not like that…” Normally he would boast about how there was no chance of that not happening since he was so good at sex but he fought it down because Octavia might not be the most receptive of audiences.

He was absolutely going to call up Mox and brag for hours about everything, however.

“Like I said, I’m not the best of people.” He admitted once more as he looked at her. “I don't want to break him or ruin him like I have a lot of other relationships of mine, I want this to work out well.”

She stared at him again before taking another bite of the Beelzeburger. “I think I can live with that so long as you try.” He nodded and she nodded back with a small smile.

Together the two of them ate in slightly-comfortable silence as they watched a drug addict take a crowbar to the magical shielding of the limo like it was a sports game. “Should I… you know?” He made a finger gun and she shook her head no and together they kept watching.

Loona suddenly leapt atop the limo and began growling at them all till they left in a hurry, making her way over as the doors to two different rooms opened and a groggy looking, blanket robed Stolas emerged yawning while Vaggie and the butler goats came out of their own room.

“Ah, good morning Owlet!” Stolas chirped, fastening up his royal suit as he sat atop the trunk of the limo like the noble ass he was. “Did you sleep well?”

“After you both stopped making such an unholy racket I did.” She said with a glare and both he and Stolas chuckled, him awkwardly and he victoriously.

“Well… I promise that we should be in Pentagram before the end of the day so it shouldn’t be too much more of a drive.” Stolas shuffled awkwardly and looked away from his daughter. “No reason to stop and rest at another pit stop as the youth call it.”

“We don't call it that.” Octavia and Loona said at the same time while Vaggie, finally making her way over, slumped in relief.

“Thank G-Lucifer for that.” She said weirdly, her mouth looking like it had wanted to say something else first. “We are so behind schedule that it’s not even funny.”

“It’s a little funny.” He said with a smirk.

Vaggie glared at him, “Because the two of you kept going at it like teenagers we’re a day behind the Extermination and not anywhere safe at all.”

“Oh, come now!” Stolas rose and spread his arms wide. “We’re having a fun trip with friends and loved ones with plenty of time to spare before all the unpleasantness happens to the sinners.” Stolas shrugged helplessly. “Besides, it’s not like any of us are sinners.”

Vaggie stared at him in open shock, her mouth hanging open, before she drew up and all but shouted, “I’m a sinner!”

They all stared at her.

“Really?” Octavia asked.

“I thought you were a moth demon to be honest.” Loona admitted.

“I… might have forgotten about that, my apologies.” Stolas muttered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his feathered head and scrunching up the blanket over it.

He shrugged. “So what?” Everyone looked at him and he continued. “Exterminations tomorrow, plenty of time to hunker down before it gets bad anyway.”

Vaggie muttered several curses in Spanish before stomping up, grabbing a burger, and storming back to the side of the limo to eat angrily.

“Well!” Stolas began, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Let's finish things with a bang, shall we?”

**********

The wastelands of Pride passed by in a blur as Octavia of the House of Stolas looked out the window of the moving Limo in a listless fugue. Beside her sat Loona and Vaggie, the two talking about heavy metal bands they both listened to while Razzle, first butler of the Morningstar family, was sipping out of a drink cup they had bought from a vending machine.

Dazzle, second butler of the Morningstar family, was curled up in her lap and snoring away while she absentmindedly brushed his fur.

She’d been completely out of sorts for a long while now, not really having anything she could think about that didn't relate to the absolute quagmire that was her parent’s relationship.

She didn't hate her parents… she’d been mad at them, furious even, and had wanted to close herself up in her room until they promised to start behaving normally and not having all night screaming matches.

Finding out your parents were divorcing was hard. Finding out it's because your father cheated and your mother is abusive was harder.

Abusive. She frowned and realized she still didn't know what to think about that. Her mother had never laid a hand on her, never once treated her as anything other than a princess… and yet she beat her father, beat him like an animal apparently. She was nightmarishly abusive to him and she only knew because she was so enamored with hurting him nowadays she no longer cared about trying to hide it from her.

Her mother Stella… she had patched up scraped knees and sometimes tucked her into bed alongside her father when she was a little girl. Her mother loved her, loved her as much as her father did.

And Stella hit him with a casual cruelty that shocked her to the core.

She had wanted her parents to get back together. She had wanted everything to go back to the way it was before Blitz entered their lives. And yet, that would include the abuse.

That would be unacceptable.

She didn't hate her mother, she tried to do so after she saw her hit her father for the first time but she just couldn’t. Everytime she tried she would remember one of the moments throughout her childhood where Stella had hosted a party for her and her friends, or had taken her to a gala, or just was there for her.

And yet she was doing something unforgivable. It was… it was all complicated and confusing and she wanted to tear her headcrest out and scream until her throat hurt.

Most of all she just wanted everything to make sense again.

“You seem like you have a lot on your mind.”

She startled out of her fugue state and looked to see Loona and Vaggie both staring at her with worry. “I’m, uh, not a therapist or anything but if you want to talk I'm here.” Loona said with a small smile.

She sagged and pet Dazzle more. “I’m just thinking about my parents, that's all.”

Vaggie nodded in understanding. “I hear you, parents are the worst sometimes.”

“Agreed.” Loona leaned back and sighed in annoyance. “Blitz keeps buying me these stupid ‘My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad’ shirts and I don't know how to tell them I will never wear them.”

"I don't really talk to my parents anymore." Vaggie said with a shrug. "When I got old enough I left to go join the... army and never really looked back. I remember my brothers were pretty broken up about it but they understood. My sister didn't really get it but, well... having the other six out vote her really put her off."

“‘Other Six?’ How many siblings do you have?” She asked in shock, trying to wrap her head around a large household like that. She also was a tad jealous since she had always wanted siblings of her own but never got them.

And thinking about all the whys reminded her of the absolute trainwreck that was Stolas and Stella’s relationship.

Vaggie looked a bit shocked before she put on an air of indifference. “Oh, you know, normal human amount of siblings.” She shrugged. “It is what it is.” She leaned back and just stared at the ceiling. "I sometimes wonder what they wpukd think of me..."

She guess that made sense, humans bred like flies if the fact that Pride kept having to be expanded was anything to go by. Loona nodded in understanding as well and she decided to cut to the chase.

“I love my parents but everything has gotten so complicated that I don't know what to feel about anything.” She knew she was ranting but she didn't care, she needed to get this all out of her system. “Before I resented the both of them because they were fighting all the time, but I resented my dad more because when he slept with an imp my social life was over: every last friend I had ever made cut me out of their life and never spoke to me again.”

“That’s absolute horsesh*t.” Loona scowled in solidarity with her and nodded. “Your old friends are dicks.”

She smiled at her new friend, “Thank you.” She frowned again as she continued ranting. “I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was but I don't think that anymore because I learned that my parents' relationship was apparently toxic as it could be.”

She slumped into the Limo seat and just sighed. “Everything I thought I knew is wrong, why can’t things make sense anymore?”

“I wish I could help you, ‘Tavia,” Loona said, reaching over to rest a paw on her shoulder. “I never knew my real parents at all, they dropped me off at the adoption kennels as soon as they could apparently, so the only real experience I have with a parent is Blitz.”

They both looked at an uncomfortable looking Vaggie, her hands fiddling with one another as she looked out the window. She finally looked back at the two of them and fidgeted. “Sorry, I was just giving you two some privacy for a heavy talk like that.”

“Thanks.” She smiled at the gray skinned sinner. “But I was actually wondering if you had any advice?”

Vaggie looked confused. “Why would I have advice?”

“You work at the princesses redemption service, don't you?”

Vaggie sighed. “That doesn't make me a licensed therapist. I don't actually do well with emotions, preferring action and physical activity to just… talking about things. The only real person I talk to at all about my feelings and sh*t is Charlie.” She smiled warmly. “I’ve missed her so much, it's gonna be great to see her again.”

“You’ve maybe been gone more than a week.” Loona said with an eye roll and Vaggie shrugged once again.

“Anyway,” the one eyed sinner said with a sad smile. “I can't really help you with parent stuff because I'm pretty sure my whole family thinks I'm a failure for ending up down here.”

Octavia sighed again and simply sat down once more against the seat, looking out the window again.

The highway was surprisingly empty as they passed by nobody at all, not a single other car was out and about as they drove. In fact, the only other cars at all were the three black trucks coming up behind them.

“It’s surprisingly empty right now.” She said aloud as she watched the trucks come closer and closer for lack of anything better to do.

“Well, tomorrow’s the Extermination so everyone’s hunkering down and trying to keep themselves hidden from the Exorcists.” Vaggie explained. “Happens the same day every year, April 24th.”

Both of them blinked at one another and looked at Vaggie. “That’s today.”

The one eyed sinner looked confused. “No, that’s tomorrow. Today is the 23rd.”

“That was yesterday.” She said with a bit of confusion.

Vaggie stared at them in slowly dawning horror. “Please tell me you’re both joking?”

“Why… why would we joke about that?” Loona sounded worried herself as she looked at the distressed sinner.

“I don’t- I don’t know.” She seemed to try and press herself into the seat as much as she could. “Alright, so the Extermination could happen literally any minute and I’m outside the Hotel… cool, cool cool cool.”

“Hey, look on the bright side.” She said happily as she looked out the window. The black trucks were gone, she could see the tail end of the last one as it drove past both the Goetia limo and Blitz’s sh*tty van ahead of them. “We’re almost to Pentagram so assuming nothing goes wrong-”

Things, naturally, went wrong almost immediately. The limo started to slow down, the sound of tires screeching against pavement loud and obnoxious as they slowed to a complete halt. Dazzle awoke and began to growl slightly, his eyes beginning to glow as he and Razzle threw his empty cup to the ground and began to join his brother in growling.

“That’s… probably not good.” She said absentmindedly as she opened the limo door.

“What the hell are you doing?” Loona asked in shock as Vaggie tried to choose between following her out and staying in the safety of the limo.

“I want to see what’s wrong.”

What’s wrong, she found out as she and the other two girls alongside the butler goats got out and walked up to the van, was that all three black trucks had slowly halted the van and now formed a roadblock that stopped them from continuing.

“Hey assholes!” Blitz hammered the van horn like it owed him money, scowling at the trucks as a variety of imps and Greed Hellborn got out of the vehicles. “Move your fat asses out of the way, we got places to be!”

“Yeah, you do indeed.” A voice came out from the middle truck as a fancily dressed shark demon from greed opened the door and let out a white haired imp in a pinstripe suit. A black fedora sat atop his head and she tried her best not to laugh at it.

Blitz opened the door angrily and got out, staring at the suited imp angrily. “Oh, hey. You’re Mox’s sh*tty dad.”

The suited imp growled. “And you’re the little sh*t who disrespected my business and my name in front of the whole mob!”

“Don’t try to marry your son to a scam artist if you don't want people crashing weddings!” Blitz shouted back and the two imps began to scream at one another.

“Is… who is this?” She leaned over to ask Loona who just sighed.

“It’s a long and kinda dumb story that involved Moxxie almost being married again, just know the guy is apparently an asshole and sh*tty dad.” Her friend explained as she nodded and stood beside Vaggie, who kept looking up to the sky in trepidation.

“Alright you little piece of carnival trash.” The mob imp snarled. “I’m gonna give you the deal of a lifetime: you tell me where my sh*tstain of a son is and I promise to kill you quickly.”

“Ah, yes, excuse me.” Her father poked his head out the side of the van and frowned at the mob boss. “If you’ll excuse me, mister…?”

“Crimson.” The now named Crimson glared hatefully at Blitz once more before glancing at her father. “Who even are you?”

“I am Stolas of the Goetia, Mr. Crimson.” Her father began, bowing his head before frowning at the mob imp again. “I would respectfully ask you not to try and kill my boyfriend as it would make me very… cross.”

Crimson stared for a moment before he snorted. “Bullsh*t.”

Everyone looked at him and he just started chuckling. “You got some prostitute to look like a Goetia- I knew you were one of those types, Blitz, but i didn't think you were that big a degenerate.”

“Now see here!” Her father said angrily at the same time Blitz shouted, “Don't you talk to my boyfriend that way, prick!”

“No, an imp like you? Bullsh*t you bagged a Goetia. A guy at that.” Crimsion spat on the pavement. “No way one of those blue bloods would be a freak.”

Okay, no. She could be mad at her father all she wanted even if she wasn't that mad anymore… but nobody, and she meant nobody, talked to her family like that. She drew herself up and made to move before Loona stopped her with a panicked look. “What the hell are you doing?” She asked, shocked.

“Nobody gets to talk to my family like that.” She said with a scowl. She broke free of Loona’s iron grip and stomped up in front of the van and glared at the Imp, “Now listen here-!”

The assembled imps and shark demons all pointed every gun they had right at her head while Crimson took a drag from a cigar and just looked bored. “She opens her mouth again? Ice her.”

There was a sound like the hooting of a hundred owls mixed with the laughter of the crazed. A screech of metal sounded as her father, in his full demonic regalia, ripped the door of the van clean off and hurled it with enough force to bisect three shark demons and tear a truck in half. “ĐØ₦₮ ɎØɄ Đ₳ⱤɆ ɆVɆ₦ ⱠØØ₭ ₳₮ ⱧɆⱤ!” he snarled in a dozen different voices, bleeding eyes staring with such absolute hate that half the mobsters dropped their weapons.

Crimson didn't react outwardly, but the shaking of the cigar in his hand told her just how affected he really was. “Huh.” He said in a voice that wavered slightly. “You really are a Goetia.”

The beast that was her father placed itself in front of her defensively, midnight black wings stretching out as a hundred eyes stared out from the feathers “₱Ʉ₮ ĐØ₩₦ ɎØɄⱤ ₩Ɇ₳₱Ø₦₴, ₦Ø₩!” The only person left holding a gun after that was Crimson, who just stared at the horror her father had become.

She stuck her tongue out at the mobster.

“Oh yeah, you thought we were kidding huh?” Blitz practically strutted out of the vehicle as he walked up next to her. “Thought you were such hot sh*t with all your goons? Now look at you!”

“This isn’t over.” Crimson snarled as he walked back towards his truck. “You think you’re safe with your little boytoy present? I'll find you and ice you as soon as you're alone!”

“That would make the Morningstar family mad though.” Blitz replied with a devilish grin. Crimson paused, looked back at Blitz disbelieving, before shaking his head and turning to his men.

“Alright you absolute disgraces, get back in the trucks and prepare yourselves for an extensive ‘exit interview’ when we get back to greed.” He snarled and a few of the hellborn present flinched.

Stolas shifted back into his normal form and began to fret over her. “Are you alright, owlet?” He practically cried as he looked over her, hugging her tightly to him. “Why in Hell would you ever do something so dangerous?”

“I… I didn't want them to insult you anymore.” She said sheepishly before hugging her father back just as tightly.

“I’m warmed by your words, my dear. But please never put yourself into harm's way like that again.” He looked down at her and started to sniffle. “I… I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you.”

She smiled and got a hand on her shoulder, Loona looking at her worried. “I’m teaching you self defense.” she said with finality.

“I’m giving you a gun!” Blitz replied happily as he stuck a middle finger up at the greed demons while they struggled to get their trucks in working order again.

“She will not have a gun… but I do think some self-defense wouldn’t be out of order.” Stolas said with a smile as he let go of her. “Now, let’s-”

“Let's get out of here!” Vaggie was pulling at her hair as she stared at the sky with horror. “I don't know when the extermination is but it could happen any moment!”

As if it had been waiting for her words, a mighty gong rolled out over the wastelands of Pride, one that was heard clearly by every last demon within the nine circles. It was a gong that filled hearts with terror and drove some into hysterics.

Everyone, from her father and Blitz to the greed demons behind them, all froze up and looked to the sky as golden portals began to open over every last town and city in the entire ring.

The Extermination was here.

Notes:

So now begins the Extermination. Chose a random date that still fit in with my plans for the rest of the story. Also my thoughts about Full Moon
SPOILERS FOR EP, STOP READING NOW: Cant believe they actually broke up, and in a way that didn't feel forced. It felt raw, uncomfortable, and absolutely devastating. I am a broken person now, what do i do? Stolas f*cking CRIED ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY WOUDL YOU DO THIS TO ME VIV!?!?!?!?
Also, DHORKS is back and actually interesting. I actually have no plans to add them to the story and haven't for awhile now but as of the episode i feel like i missed a bunch of opportunities to do so. Ah, well, maybe in a sidestory that ill write later i suppose. the Cherub one that's cooking is gonna be the only one currently because writing more than two stories at once is a recipe for disaster.
Glad to see that the Cherubs being homeless vagabonds who want to get back into heaven by any means necessary is something that's canon now. I am a prophetess, what can i say?
EDIT: Changed some Vaggie lines due to not thinking about the implications. Now she is a normal heaven born with normal angel parents.
Next Chapter: Our heroes are caught in the middle of the Extermination, can an unlikely appearance save them from angelic blades?

Chapter 27: Extermination: Primo

Summary:

As chaos descends across Pride, our protagonists find themselves hurrying to safety.

Notes:

SO i made a small change last chapter in Vaggie's lines since the original lines did not, in fact, thank at all about what they were implying.
Anyway, these chapters were a long-time coming and will get kind of dark, although not so dark that i need to bump up the rating so please bear that in mind. But the next one will have trigger warnings as we get to the actual city and the chaos descending upon it.
Please enjoy

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

For a single moment, all of Pride was united. United by fear and an overwhelming terror as the gong rang out across the red wastelands.

Over every city and town, glowing golden portals opened up and from them spilled out flocks of black winged death: the Exorcists, Heavens army of psychotic murderers who enacted the will of the High Seraphs through blade and bullet, had come to take the souls of those who had fallen into the pit.

No one would be spared the wrath of Heaven. Whether they be overlords surrounded by their bastions or even the stray teenager or child who was here by cruel chance… none were spared the Exorcists blade.

Over Pentagram City, massive battalions of black-clad murderers descended and let loose every ranged weapon they could, sniping down stray sinners who had the misfortune of being caught unawares. The battalions split up as the melee fighters took to the streets to claim their victims up close and personal.

In Imp City, anarchy reigned as Exorcists descended like birds of prey across the metropolis. They broke open whatever barriers kept them from their victims and took out whoever they found. Some did it as soon as they came across a sinner, simply murdering them without a second thought and then moving on to the next target, while others engaged in a cruel game of cat and mouse as they toyed with their prey.

And in the highways of hell between the two metroploi, two motley groups looked up for any stray angels as they tried their best to keep both the sky and the other group in their sights.

“Okay,” Blitz said, clapping his hands together to grab everyone’s attention. “Raise your hand if this is your first extermination.”

Almost every last demon raised their hands, with the Greed demons grunting in acknowledgement for lack of wanting to follow his orders. That was fine, he would deal with the bastards later. Right now he had to deal with the headache that would be shooing away a bunch of muderhobos with halos. He'd... never really gone through an Extermination but it couldnt be that hard, right? He'd gone through worse and still lived to tell the tale.

This would be a cakewalk.

The only demons who refused to even acknowledge his question were both Crimson and Vaggie. Crimson was too busy forcing weapons back into his trembling goons hands, all of them casting terrified glances at his boyfriend before doing so, and Vaggie was too busy freaking the hell out to even hear him.

“Oh sh*t,” She freaked, grabbing ahold of her own hair and tugging it tightly. “Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t!”

“Okay, I know things look bad, Miss Vaggie,” Stolas began, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder and causing the gray skinned sinner to flinch upon contact and look up at him with fear. “But as hellborn we can protect you more than you know.”

Vaggie just stared for a moment and then began to laugh like a lunatic, clutching her stomach as tears fell from her eyes.

He blinked and looked at Stolas, the giant bird scratching the back of his feathered head as he looked awkwardly at the hysterical sinner. “Aren’t we immune from the whole thing or some sh*t?” He was curious, he didn't really care about the Extermination that much since he simply went to a different ring to wait it out like every other hellborn did so he wasn't entirely sure if that was true or not. And yet now that his ass was in the middle of one he was left wondering about the specifics.

“Yes, indeed.” Stolas puffed himself up and looked down at a now very quiet Vaggie. “Heaven must abide quite strongly to things like that so if we simply protect you as well as we can defend you.”

“Yeah.” Octavia was nodding as she walked up to the sinner and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I usually vacation in Envy this time of year so I don't know the specifics about everything-”

“The Goetia usually hold a massive soiree this day down in the cold rings of Envy.” Stolas explained, his voice not wavering in the slightest. “Entire households as well as servants go down to vacation for the day before coming up to assess the damages done.”

“Yeah, that.” Octavia said with a frown. “Anyway, I know things are bad but we’re hellborn, we can defend yo-”

“They don't care.”

It was the first thing she said since the Extermination began, her eyes looking hollow and dead as she hugged herself. She was looking at them all like she may never see them again. Which was starting to freak him out a little since they would be fine.

He was aware of the Greed demons walking up to listen in on their conversation, Crimson beating his way to the front as he affected an air of disinterest while smoking the last remains of his cigar.

Vaggie took a deep breath and steeled herself, visibly drawing up and becoming more like some kind of drill sergeant. “Listen up people, because I'm only going to say this once! You are all, as of this very moment, in mortal danger!”

She began to pace- no, began to march back and forth like some kind of drill instructor. “The Exorcists are here in Pride and they will kill any demon they come across without pity, or mercy.” She intoned with steel in her voice.

He and every other demon present froze up like statues. Beside him, he felt Stolas grab ahold of his hand as he looked quite nervously at her. “But the treaty-”

“Doesn’t mean sh*t to them.” She breathed in and out, her eyes like thunder as she swept her gaze across them all. “I… I am Charlie’s confidant, and so I know more about heavenly politics than most. If an angel kills a hellborn, they will simply claim it was a mistake and that they thought they were a sinner. The… leader of the Exorcists will then give her a slap on the wrist, send her to shine the weapons for an extermination or two, and then have her right back in the front lines like nothing ever happened.”

She looked up at the now extremely terrified looking Stolas and sighed. “Someone high-profile and obviously Goetia like you and Octavia will probably be fine, they go for hellborn that nobody would miss or that look a little too much like sinners… you’ll both probably be fine.”

“Probably?” Octavia asked from a million miles away, now trembling slightly.

Vaggie nodded before glancing at the rest of them. “As for the rest of us? We’re all screwed if they find us.”

He felt his stomach drop out of his body as Stolas squeezed his hand like a life-line. A slap on the wrist…? Heaven would be able to kill him and all they would get is a tongue-lashing and a wagged finger?

He looked at Loona, who looked just as freaked out as he felt, and for the first time in a while he felt very afraid. Afraid for his daughter, afraid for Stolas, and afraid for Stolas’s daughter.

Stolas… he would probably be able to defend himself and Octavia if push came to shove. But he and Loona? They would be smears on the pavement if an angel found them.

Smears on the pavement… that would be their legacy. All the mistakes and f*ck-ups he had made over his life and it would all be ended by some psycho broad with a literally-killer smile.

“How do we fight them?”

Someone actually spoke up in the oppressive silence her words left, causing every head in the immediate vicinity to turn to the speaker. He was a little bit shocked to find out it was himself who had spoken. He swallowed his nerves, took one last glance at both Stolas and Loona, and spoke again.

“How do we fight them?”

Vaggie looked pained as she glanced at all of them. “You don't.” She said simply before steeling herself back up. ”Exorcists are invincible, no weapon from hell can pierce their skin and no defense made can stop their attack.”

Okay, now he was absolutely terrified. He was helpless and useless, surrounded by enemies that couldn't die, and nothing would stop them. He felt his knees begin to shake and another hand took hold of his free one before gripping tight.

Loona looked down at him and she was afraid, he had only seen that look of fear and desperation back when they thought they were going to die in the human world up above. It was back and just as gut-wrenching as before.

He opened his mouth and closed it a few times as Stolas let go of his hand to hug Octavia close to him. The Greed demons were now trembling and glancing up at the sky like angels would descend at any moment.

Crimson… he blinked and took another look at the bastard. The mafioso had a weird look on his face like he was working something together as quickly as he could, glancing at all of them as his eyes lit up at some internal revelation.

“So,” he began, his voice not terrified at the slightest. “You can’t kill them and you have nowhere to hide. Any bright plans to survive this?” He was smirking as if there was some joke none of them were let in on and it was making his hackles raise. He was up to something…

“That’s where you're wrong.” Vaggie’s eyes lit up and she breathed in before continuing. “We do have somewhere to hide, somewhere no angel would even dare to tread. It is, and I cannot stress this enough, the only safe place in all of Pride right now.”

She planted both fists on her hips and smirked. “We’re all going to the Happy Hotel.”

Silence descended.

“The what now?” A Greed imp asked, scratching his head with the barrel of his pistol.

“What kind of stupid name is that?” A shark demon sounded confused and a little irritated as he spoke.

“That that place Mammon won't shut up about?” Crimson crossed his arms in annoyance, his eyes never leaving Vaggie.

“It’s Charlie’s passion project to redeem sinners.” She said to the imp before turning to the shark with a glare. “It’s not a stupid name.” Finally she turned to Crimson and simply sighed. “Yes, Mammon likes Charlie so he bankrolled the initial capital.”

“Oh goodie, we do have a safe haven.” His voice was a little hysterical as he spoke, his mind going to every possible thing that could go wrong right now. It was a long list. Loona and Stolas both looked worriedly at him as he walked up to her and began ranting like a lunatic. “There’s just one problem with that… The hotel is in Pentagram and we ARE NOT IN PENTAGRAM RIGHT NOW!” he screeched as the full weight of everything came crashing down on his shoulders.

Vaggie looked fierce and defiant as she stared him down with her eye. “We have vehicles, we’ll make it to Pentagram and be safe.” She breathed in and out before steeling herself once more. “That’s the plan people, we go to Pentagram and we make it through the chaos to reach Charlie. We’ll be safe there and we can shore up and protect ourselves!”

“Well, looks like you’re all ready and good to go!” Crimson’s voice was smarmy as every eye turned to him, and he saw that the imp had his back turned and was going back to his truck. “Guess we’ll get out of your hair here and leave you alone.”

Vaggie looked confused. “Did you not hear a single thing I said?”

Crimson's goons were rushing back to the trucks, the ones from the now bisected vehicle scrambling into the bed of it before hugging his gun like a lifeline. Crimson looked happy as can be as the vehicles started up. “Now, see, I did hear everything you said. I plan to make my way towards the hotel myself and rest up. Kick my feet up and take a spell with some good cigars.”

“Smoking isn’t allowed at the hotel.” Vaggie glared right into the mafioso’s eyes, her voice not betraying a single ounce of the terror she must be feeling. “And since you just tried to kill valued employees of ours… Neither are you.”

The two trucks started up and Crimson smiled cruelly. “See, I thought of that… That's why I'm going to finish the job here and now.” Before any of them could react, or even blink, he grabbed a tommy gun out of a goon’s hands and opened fire not at them, but at the engine block of his van.

The bullets tore through the hood, spearing into the engine and beyond as a few bullets caught one of the tires, the black rubber deflating sadly as the trucks drove off with the laughing mafia don.

Pure and utter hate filled him up, squashing the absolute horror he was feeling from the situation. “YOU COMPLETE BASTARD!”

Vaggie let loose an incredibly impressive stream of spanish curses, swearing the retreating mobsters into oblivion and back while Loona snarled and barked in pure rage.

Before any of them could do more than swear and hurl abuse, however, two shadows passed overhead as the goat butlers charged towards the fleeing convoy. Said butlers were no longer in their cute little toy-like bodies but had somehow, to his amazement, become colossal dragon-like things that quickly ran down one of the trucks and began to savage it like rabid animals.

The colossal drakes tore through the metal like it was paper, teeth and claw ripping through shark and imp alike as the mobsters died painfully and viciously. From what he could see of them, none of said mobsters were Crimson.

“Go Razzle and Dazzle!” Vaggie began to cheer like a mad-woman, pumping her fists in the air. “Rip them a new one for your big sister!”

The two dragon-butlers proceeded to do just that, playing with the truck and its inhabitants like cats would before a kill.

“Why isn’t it working?” Stolas voice was quivering as he turned to him, the hate bleeding into confusion as he saw Stolas raising a feathered hand and holding his open grimoire with the other. A few sad wisps of black smoke cast off from his feathered hand and faded into nothingness.

“I’m trying to summon a portal for us all to leave in and nothing is happening!” Stolas was beginning to panic, causing him to begin panicking once again. “Why is nothing happening!?”

"Why didn't you summon one in the first place!?" Loona asked in a complete frenzy, her eyes wide as she kept looking towards the skies.

"I... I wanted to spend more time with Blitz." He muttered sadly. "I thought a road-trip with our families would be a nice thing to have." The sight of his boyfriend so put out caused him to actually speak up.

"It's actually my bad: I'm the one who convinced Stolas this would be a good idea." He said sheepishly as every eye turned to him in anger.

"You mean to tell me it's your fault that we're stuck in the middle of nowhere during an Extermination?" Octavia asked furiously and at his nod she huffed and turned away from him.

"Either way," Stolas broke through the tension in a panic. "My magic should be more than enough to get through to the hotel- why isn't anything happening!?"

“That would be Ad… the leader’s doing.” Vaggie was running off her murderous high, her eye was now filled with a resigned horror to them as she looked at the now damaged van. “From what I’ve heard, the leader likes to put up teleportation blockers near where he fights himself, make things easier so he doesn't have to run anyone down.” She grabbed hold of his daughter and Octavia and began to drag them towards the limo behind the van. “We’re close enough to Pentagram that we must be caught in the effects.”

“You mean to tell me whatever dickhe*d is in charge of all of this is nearby!?” He was freaking out, his whole body running off of adrenaline, fear, and rage as he failed to keep a handle on anything resembling control. “Like, ‘could come for us at any moment’ nearby!?”

“We’ll be fine. We still… have the…” Her voice trailed off, both Loona and Octavia looking horrified at something as he fought his way forward. His heart dropped out of his chest.

One of Crimson’s bullets had hit the tire of the limo, causing them to be dead in the water… somewhat literally, since Exorcists could drop by at any freaking moment.

He clutched at his chest and promptly threw up, not even caring as Stolas began to rub his back gently.

“I won't let anything happen to you- to any of you.” Stolas drew himself up and fixed his top hat. “I will defend you all with my life if I have to.”

“Okay,” Vaggie now sounded a little hysterical as she opened the door to the limo and rooted around for a bit before taking out a glowing silver spear. He felt his jaw drop a little as he beheld an actual Carmine Weapon: a holy spear probably looted off of some poor schmuck whose friends would be out for revenge. He flinched at that thought as he realized that was a very real possibility.

“Okay,” Vaggie said with finality. “I’m not going down without a fight. Stolas, if you live through this can you tell Charlie-”

A loud, deep, and bone-shaking horn sounded out as a literal monstrosity started making its way within sight. The… thing driving up the highway was once a schoolbus, that much they could see from the yellow paint job. The problem was that somebody took that school bus and turned it into a driveable warcrime.

Spikes and wheel-cutters jutted out from the oversized wheels while a cow catcher adorned with razor-like blades was bolted into the hood. A turret was carved into the top of it while a literal crane was welded into the back. The back wheels had been replaced with colossal tank treads while actual rocket engines were affixed to the back. All in all, it looked like a roving weapons platform made in a ajunkyard than anything actually driveable.

It was a confusing monstrosity of a vehicle and it was parking right next to them. Razzle and Dazzle, their snouts coated in blood and engine grease, flew back and curled around them all protectively as they growled at the vehicle. Vaggie snarled as she held her spear threateningly towards the vehicle.

One of the windows opened up and a terrifying welders mask came over the edge and stared at them all before a pink colored hand lifted it to reveal… a very familiar smiling woman.

“Oh, hello there Mr. Blitz!” She chirped happily as his overworked mind struggled to remember who in the hell she was. She had off-white hair with two long and pointed horns above blood red eyes. A kind smile spread across her face as she stared down at them happily. “You fine folk need any help?”

As he struggled to remember if he knew this person, Loona just stared in open mouthed shock. “Mayberry!?” she asked with visible confusion and his mind finally connected the dots.

Mrs. Mayberry, the naive school teacher who had hired them for their very first job to kill her husband's mistress, simply beamed happily at them. “So glad you remembered me, dear! It’s a shame we’re meeting like this but better we meet before the end than not at all!”

“I, ah, don't think we’ve met.” Stolas sounded awkward, a tinge of horror still present in his voice as he looked up at the woman. “Are you a friend of Blitz’s?”

“Kind of: I was his client!”

Stolas and Octavia made sounds of understanding while Vaggie just looked more confused. “Why would someone with their own death-rig need a bodyguard?”

“Oh, this ol’ thing?” Mayberry patted the side of her driveable death-machine like one would a trusty steed. “It actually belongs to my new boyfriend.”

A muscle-bound sinner who looked like a roided up jock poked his head out the side door, his bulging muscles barely contained by his tank-top and grease-stained overalls. A short pair of horns rose from his otherwise bald-head as he stared down at them. “Sup.” he said finally.

“Aren’t you still married or something?” Loona asked to which Mayberyy’s smile turned sinister.

“My husband is… no longer around here. He made the mistake of tying himself to a lamppost with broken legs during the last Extermination.” She smiled at them, her teeth like a sharks. “Isn’t that just grand?”

“It’s actually where we first met, to be honest.” The roid-machine rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. “Was running away after tying up the mouthy jogger who ratted me out originally to the cops when I met her. We got to talking and comparing our cheating scumbags to one another's and, well… one thing led to another…”

Mayberry smiled and leant her horned head onto his shoulder and sighing before she looked back down at them.

“So… Do you guys need any help?” Mayberry asked sweetly. “I still owe you for the job you guys did- oh, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least offer.”

They all looked at one another, Vaggie holding out her hands to catch the rapidly deflating Razzle and Dazzle who snuggled into her arms affectionately before nodding towards Mayberry. Vaggie looked like she calmed down after that as she stared at the rest of them before nodding herself. He cleared his throat and tried for his suavest smile.

“Where, exactly, are you going?” He asked as calmly as he could, his voice only hitching a few times.

Mayberry looked sad as she responded. “Well, this extermination we both kind of got kicked out of our apartment right before everything started- greedy ass landlord kept hiking the rent and I may have… broken his teeth a few times punching him over it.” She laughed nervously, as if any of them would judge her for it. Instead, they all nodded at each other in understanding.

“Anyway, we’re going to Pentagram since we heard that Voxtech has some angelic defenses in place to protect sinners like us!” She beamed at them in happiness. “Isn’t that swell?”

“Well, we’re going to the Happy Hotel, also in Pentagram.” He tried to sound confident and in control of the situation as he spoke up. “We could really use a ride if you can spare one?”

**********

It turns out, they could in fact get a ride.

All five of them were now cramped together in the back of the Doom-machine, a bunch of engines and pistons going off at random to keep the vehicle going at an honestly astonishingly fast rate. He was basically packed in like a knucklehead fish, his shoulders painfully close to both Stolas and Loona’s as he tried to keep his emotions under control.

Things… were definitely looking pretty bleak: he was an easy target in the middle of an Extermination and the one thing he thought would protect him was a simple piece of paper that apparently angels regularly used to wipe their asses with for all the respect they gave it. HIs daughter was just as vulnerable to angelic attack and if anything happened to her-

No.

No, he wouldn't even think about that. Loona would be fine… nothing bad would happen to her. He would sacrifice himself if he had to keep that from happening but he swore then and there that nothing bad would happen to her at all.

Stolas was clinging to Octavia's hand like she might disappear if he let go, the teenage emo heiress shaking slightly as she clenched his feathered hand back. The news that you might, in fact, die horribly today was quite alarming to the two nobles. Octavia was practically curled into a ball as her father held her gently, the two nobles not even looking out the window for fear of seeing an angel.

Razzle and Dazzle were currently resting atop her like therapy animals, sad looks on their faces as they softly baa’d at her to try and cheer her up.

‘If we survive this, I'm speeding up those self-defense lessons…’ he thought to himself as he looked at Vaggie.

The one eyed sinner avoided the clenched seating by simply not sitting with them, plopped onto the floor as she spoke at length about the Happy Hotel. “... would be more than welcome to have you on board, Mayberry.”

“Oh, I would love to… but I might have done a bit too much to be welcomed into Heaven.” She looked sad as she spoke, her eyes downcast. “I… may have taken a bit too much anger out on one of my students when I learnt the truth of what that cheating bastard did to me.” She rubbed the back of her head a bit awkwardly and chuckled. “I… might have a few issues to sort out first before I feel comfortable doing something like that.”

“But that's the point: you can sort out those issues at the Happy Hotel.” Vaggie stressed that last part as she spoke. “Charlie would be more than happy to help you out with this, that's the entire point of why she’s doing this in the first place.”

“Well… maybe…” She looked so unsure of herself. “Is anyone else using this service?”

Vaggie winced before responding with as much false cheer as she could. “Yeah, we actually have one customer right now.”

Mayberry stared and even though he was filled with complete horror at their situation he still sighed as he sensed what was about to happen. “And they are…?” She asked and Vaggie sighed.

“Well, his name is Angel Dust and-”

“The p*rn star?” Mayberry asked, a confused look on her face as Vaggie winced again.

“Okay… yes, the p*rn star.” She began to pivot, trying to keep her on the hook. “But I assure you he’s been clean for at least a few weeks now.”

Mayberry frowned sadly at the one eyed sinner. “I… don't think the Happy Hotel may be my thing after all. I’m sorry.”

Vaggie leaned against the seat and sighed in disappointment.

Silence descended, awkward and uncomfortable, broken only by the mechanical gurgles of all the tinkered machinery keeping the abomination of a vehicle going. Nobody felt like talking, least of all himself- too much was running through his mind to even speak.

“Blitz?” Stolas finally broke the silence, his voice wavering slightly as he turned to see the giant owl looking down at him with fear in his eyes. “I meant what I said, about defending you all with my life.”

“They won't try and attack you, though,” Vaggie explained, staring at him oddly. “You’re too obviously noble and hellborn for most of them to try.”

“Most?” Vaggie winced once again at his question, looking sadly at him as he held onto Stolas.

“There are a few Exorcists I’ve… heard of that would be crazy or stupid enough to try.”

Stolas let out a hoot of despair and they all continued driving in silence.

“Huh, guess we’re not the only ones stupid enough to drive today.” The roided up super-jock up ahead muttered aloud, staring at something out of the welded slits of the steel barrier covering the window. “Some sharks in a truck are up ahead and-”

He flung himself out of the pile, rage and hate driving him forward as he and Vaggie raced to the front and pressed their faces against the glass of the door. There, up ahead, was a familiar black truck.

Crimson. His black blood began to boil as Vaggie began muttering Spanish curses under her breath.

“Hey, Mayberry?” He asked, vicious hate leaking into his words.

She looked up at the two of them in confusion as he kept his eyes glued on the truck. “If you and your boytoy can wreck that truck I’ll owe you a favor.”

“And why exactly would we do that?” She asked, confused and frowning.

“He tried to run us off the road, gunned our engine down, and now wants to crash at our own place and get away with it.” Vaggie snarled and Mayberry frowned.

“That all sounds bad, but I don't think-”

He put a hand on Vaggie’s arm and pushed her behind him, walking up to Mayberry and smirking evilly. “He abused the f*ck out of his own son and killed his wife cause he hated her guts-”

Mayberry’s hand launched out like a serpent, grabbing ahold of his throat in a death-vice as she hurled him backwards into the still sitting group and marched her way to the front, her heels stomping down with enough force to leave little dents in the metal floor.

“DRIVE THEM INTO A DITCH!” She screamed at her boyfriend, pulling out a machine gun and flinging the door to the battle-bus open. She leaned out the back and opened fire, her rifle barking out as she screamed bloody murder at the nearing truck.

He tried to untangle his limbs from the new pile, Stolas’ feathered ass in his face in a way he surprisingly didn't want, as Vaggie marched over and helped them out. “How did you know that would work?” She asked as she stood him up.

He opened his mouth to tell her that she hated her now ex-husband so much she put a hit on his mistress when he remembered that Lucifer told them specifically to never mention the assassin thing ever. Pissing off the Morningstar family was high up there on his list of things that terrified him, right under ‘Dying To An Angel, Apparently.’

“I got the vibe from her story that she hates bad husbands with a passion.” He bullsh*tted, looking up at the entrance to the turret and scrambling up towards the little ladder leading to it. “So I guessed.”

“Lucky guess.” Vaggie muttered at him as he opened the hatch and grabbed a hold of a truly beautiful twin- barreled machine gun. It was a massive thing that looked like it packed a punch.

Hopefully it would pack one right through that absolute bastard's head.

He looked to see the truck now driving just a ways in front, a few mobsters shooting out towards Mayberry as she got one right in the head. Crimson leaned out to scream something at her when his eyes caught sight of him in the turret.

He grinned at the completely shocked look on his face and aimed the turret right at his stupid head. “Eat lead, bitch!” He screamed as the gun barked out bullet after bullet. Crimson ducked back into the truck and the mobsters went from shooting at Mayberry to shooting at him. The truck began to weave back and forth as the battle-bus got closer and closer to its prey.

“Why the hell are you shooting at us?” He heard the mafia don screech over the sound of the wind rushing past his horns.

“FOR YOUR DEAD WIFE YOU SICK BASTARD!” Mayberry screeched right back, launching herself at the truck like a wild animal as she barely grabbed ahold of the truck bed and crawled into it. He cursed and stopped firing- if she died they would absolutely be thrown out to the angels.

Pentagram City was fast approaching, the lights and buildings beginning to rise up from the mountainous surroundings. He could barely make out black dots soaring in and out all around the tops of buildings. He gulped, he now knew what they were.

Mayberry was screaming like a banshee as she held a mobster by the throat, using him as a demonic shield while Crimson kept trying to fire over, around, and through him to her. The battle-bus was fast approaching while it began to force cars out of the way with the cattle-guard, more and more parked and/or abandoned cars appearing the closer they got to the city.

A shadow passed overhead and he snarled down to Vaggie, leaning down to poke his head back into the bus. “Keep the butlers inside! I don't want-”

Stolas was applying as many defensive spells to the battle-bus as he could, his mouth speaking a mile a minute as endless amounts of magic flew from his feathers. Vaggie was directing the battle-bus as best she could through the thin-slit in the frontal armor right alongside his Loona… and Octavia was holding Razzle and Dazzle tightly.

Both goat-butlers were down here… which meant…

He went several shades of pale, his stomach wanting to crawl out of his mouth and flee as he forced himself up through the hole and beheld his newest worst fear.

She was clad in a dark-gray tunic spattered with red blood, a blood-drenched cutlass in one hand as her black and white wings tucked into her body. Grayish thigh-high boots were perched on one of the jutting spikes of the bus while her free hand, clad in a bicep-high glove, was pressed against the side of her almost demonic mask. A wicked and murderous smile was present on the mask while two black and white horns rose up from it to curl beside her halo.

This was an angel… a murderer from heaven itself. He swallowed nervously as he noticed she was watching Mayberry like a phoenix scoping out its prey. She lazily twirled her blade as Mayberry threw the long-dead shark demon to the side and began to knife-fight Crimson in the truck bed.

She casually hopped off the spike she was standing on, her boots barely making a sound over the rushing winds as she landed atop the battle-bus roof.

He was not a praying type, never quite putting the reverence into Lord Satan that other imps did. Cash had dragged him and Barbie to a midnight service every now and again but other than that his sh*tstain of a gene-doner wasn’t particularly religious and neither was he.

And yet, in that moment, he prayed to Satan below that she didn't notice him at all.

Satan, it seemed, hated his guts because she immediately turned her head and saw him cowering in the turret.

“Oh, how interesting.” She lazily twirled her sword as she co*cked her head to the side, studying him like some interesting hellbeast she found in the wilds. “Didn't think I would find a hellborn still above.”

Somehow, the grin on her mask got wider as she stared him down. “What brings you up here, Imp?”

He gulped, began to sweat, and tried to find his voice. It appeared like his voice had completely abandoned him since nothing was coming out other than a pained wheeze.

“Now, see, it’s kind of rude not to answer a lady when she asks you something.” The angel sounded almost disappointed as she made a single step towards him and he just let loose everything in his mind in one go.

“I’m actually going to Pentagram to stay at my job because I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend instead of finishing the job and now I'm here please don't kill me or my daughter she’s-” He was rambling, his words slurring together as he tried his best to stay alive.

“Shut up.”

She cut him off with a snarl, her voice angry as he flinched. “I didn't ask for your whole life story. I don't care, nobody does.”

The worst possible thing that could have happened, did in fact happen: he responded.

“Bitch.”

He clamped both hands over his mouth as the angel seemed to freeze up, her sword now shaking as she stared at him. His mind went completely numb from terror, every last thought and feeling except horror escaping in that moment as his vision began to tunnel.

“What did you just call me?” She asked sweetly, taking another step towards him and he shook but kept his mouth shut. She raised her cutlass and slid a finger along the sharp edge, staring at him with what felt like disappointment. “Guess I'll have to slice some respect back into you.”

“Treaty…” He croaked as his very life began to flash in front of his eyes.

“Oh no, looks like it’s desk duty for me again.” She giggled as she flapped her wings and began to casually stroll towards him, spinning her cutlass like a toy.

He grabbed ahold of the turret and opened fire on the approaching angel, hell-forged bullets shooting out rapidly as he screamed. The bullets bounced harmlessly off of her tunic, not even leaving a mark. He felt his jaw drop at the sheer bullsh*t that was angelic invulnerability. It wasn't fair, it didnt even scratch her tunic! He was going to die and all he could think of was that God must hate them all.

He began to laugh, wondering why his brain was acting this way with death close at hand... Death.

He was going to die.

The angel would carve him up like a hellboar and try to finish the job with Loona... maybe Stolas would stop her with some Goetia magic, maybe not. Maybe Octavia would be an orphan or maybe she would die too. Maybe they would all die here right now.

He gulped, his throat as dry as Wraths badlands... he didnt want to die, not now, not like this.

"My turn." The angel sang as she launched herself forward, her blade swinging wide to cut him off at the neck too fast to dodge.

‘Looks like I'm coming early, mom.’ He thought as he closed his eyes-

Vaggie poked her head out the turret hole, squeezing next to him as she climbed into the turret with her spear held beside her. “Jason wants to know why you stopped firing-”

The angel’s blade caught on her spear, sparks and white-hot fire breaking out as the two angelic weapons caught on one another. His life was saved by random chance, he let out a despairing wheeze as he let himself be pushed down by the one-eyed sinner.

“Get down below.” She barked, rushing upwards and grabbing her spear. “I’ll take care of her.”

He let himself fall into the waiting arms of Stolas, the Goetia noble looking at him with horror. “That was… she tried to-”

“I know.” He muttered, his vision slowly returning as his heart stopped beating a million miles a minute.

He gulped and placed him next to Octavia. “I…I will protect you both it seems.”

Loona rushed over from the front, looking him over for any nicks or scratches. She let out a despairing whine as her paws trembled on his shoulders. “You’re not going up there again.” She growled fearfully.

He nodded listlessly as they all fell silent, listening to Mayberry’s boytoy in front cursing and raging all the while Vaggie fought an exorcist up above.

Useless... he had been useless against her. The turret did nothing at all.

He sat in stunned silence as battle raged all around them, feeling smaller than he ever had before.

Notes:

Mayberry is kind of an odd duck, isn't she? Also probably not who you were expecting when I said an unlikely appearance would arrive.
Dont worry, ⱧɆ'₴ coming soon... and so is a trigger warning since next chapter is gonna get kinda dark.
Next Chapter: Vaggie fights for her life, more angels show up, and a totally kind man with no ulterior motives whatsoever shows up to lend a hand in her hour of need...

Chapter 28: Extermination: Secundo

Summary:

Vaggie fights for her life

Notes:

Huh, this chapter ended up being longer than i thought it would be. It also wasn't as dark as i thought it would get because i didn't want to ruin the tone by making it too dark, you know. I actually feel a little bad about hyping it up as super dark and stuff after this but... well, what can you do?
This is, above all things, still a romance story. Something I will bring back after next chapter. I'm not really good or comfortable writing fight scenes since i never quite am able to make what i see in my head translate to whats on the page, so i prefer character drama and interactions... which is this stories wheelhouse.
A wheelhouse we will be returning to soon.
Anyway, brief trigger warning: characters violence and also blood. Also, depictions of background atrocities and such.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Vaggie wasn’t a good person.

She was a liar, a failure, a murderer, and a monster with the blood of thousands on her hands. She remembered her parents had wanted her to be a Principality much like they were, and her brothers had wanted her to work with the Virtue of Charity like they did. Her sister had been the only one who had understood that she preferred working with her hands, and that that was why she had run off to join the Exorcists when Adam had made a call for new recruits.

She remembered being so proud of herself, donning her black uniform for the first time. She took on a new name, given by Adam himself, to denote that she was now until death an Exorcist of the Holy Legions.

Her father hadn’t understood and neither had her mother… but they had relented and been so proud when they told her they would say a prayer for her every sabbath. They were good parents, always looking out for her and making sure she could be the best heavenborn she could be. That was the way of heavenly families though, kindness and temperance were the orders of Him On High.

She had been so proud to work under the First Man himself, so utterly proud to go down and slay the worst of the worst…

As she stood atop the roof of the battle-bus, her standard-issue Exorcist spear clenched tightly in her hands as she blocked blow after blow from the angel in front of her, she couldn't help but lambast herself for her many failures.

Failure to be who her parents wanted her to be, failure to realize the Exorcists were the real evil, failure to realize that Adam was a monster… and failure to live up to Charlie's view of her.

She did what she did best, however: she took all the rage, anger, and disappointment she felt and began to channel it into her blows as she began to force the angel onto the backfoot.

The edges of the mountain wall surrounding Pentagram City was fast approaching and one could now hear the screams from the city itself, massive skyscrapers with flickering lights being surrounded by flocks of her former comrades as she stabbed out with her spear, the angel dodging and bringing her cutlass into a wide arc towards her neck.

She ducked, slid behind her, and stabbed outward only for another dodge to pass her spear.

That bastardo was still driving next to them, fighting for his life against the enraged Mayberry as their knives clashed and sparked with each connecting blow. Mayberry was snarling like a rabid animal as she struck out for killing blows on each and every attack while Crimson, the pendejo, was simply trying to keep up with the enraged school-teacher.

She was starting to suspect that Mayberry had been underselling her remaining issues…

All thoughts of the school-teacher fled as the Exorcist before her began slicing at her again and again, forcing her on the backfoot once more.

“You know,” the angel spoke out, her voice high pitched with what her sister had once called a ‘New Jersey’ twang. She wasn’t completely sure what a New Jersey was but she was regretting not knowing now. “You look familiar… have we met before?”

“No,” she hissed, using her spear to block attack after attack before bringing the bladed end down hard on the Exorcist’s head. “We’ve never met before in our lives.” The black-clad murderer dodged and flapped her wings to launch herself near the back where the turret was. A curious look was on the angel’s face as she stared at her.

“No,” the angel declared, holding her cutlass aloft. “No, I definitely remember that face somewhere. Did I hunt you down during a previous Extermination?”

She charged, her spear aimed right at the Exorcist's heart, only for the clash of angelic weaponry to cause yet another sparking flare of white-hot fire.

“No, that can’t be it.” The angel kicked out and caught her in the stomach, the air leaving her body forcefully as she wheezed. “I’ve never let anyone survive my blade before…”

A gust of wind from the passing mountains sent the hair over her eyepatch out of the way and the Exorcist hissed in glee.

“No way… it’s you!”

She went into overdrive at the same time the Exorcist connected the dots: her foot launching upward to send her heel right between the angels legs. No matter what, it would be painful. And painful it was, the Exorcist going down with a small whine as she rolled backward and popped up, spear in hand and ready for a new wave of fighting.

“It’s really you… the traitor herself.” The Exorcist sounded jubilant as she stood back up, rolling her shoulders before leveling her cutlass once more. “Do you have any idea what kind of glory I’ll get if i bring you back alive?”

The two charged one another and traded yet another flurry of blows. Cutlass and spear sparked and clanged as the two angels, one fallen and the other decidedly not so, tried their best to kill one another.

“I might even be able to knock down Lute a peg or two!” The Exorcist cried out gleefully.

She winced, that was a name she hadn’t heard of in a long time…

**********

"You didn't have to be so hard on those newbies, Lute.”

In a meadow outside the Silver City itself, two women sat talking together. She was younger then, both eyes and a pair of snowy wings on her back as she rested on a tree branch and watched His Light shine out across the cities of Heaven that surrounded the seat of His Glory itself. Her hair was cut to just below her ear and an easygoing smile was on her face as she turned to her companion.

Lute looked radiant in the light, her golden eyes shining as she laughed to herself. “Oh, come on. It was funny and you know it!” Her black wings were being used like a pillow as she leant against the trunk of the tree itself, her whole body relaxed in a rare moment of peace. “I hyped you up just as much as you deserve, they were practically shaking in their new boots by the time I was done with them.”

“Yeah, okay, it was a little funny to see them fall over each other when I spoke up.”

The two laughed together and continued watching the shining light. Two friends united by battle.

Two friends, forever and ever.

**********

Vaggie blinked away a tear as the memory rushed through her. God, there were times she missed those days…

And every time, she would remember the same thing: the dawning horror as she realized that what they were doing was wrong, raising her concerns with Adam and being laughed at, trying to do one simple act of good after more than a few decades of evil… and being sentenced to death and nearly executed for it.

She would never forget the feeling of her wings being ripped off her back.

“Can you imagine it, traitor?” The Exorcist drawled out, her voice high as mania. “No more Lute, just Adam and Kandi!”

She snorted in dark amusem*nt. “I’m sorry- your name is ‘Kandi’?”

Kandi glared hatefully at her. “With an I, yes.”

She laughed, laughing so hard she didn't see the punch to her ribs coming at all. She wheezed again as she fell to the roof of the bus, using her spear to keep herself at least kneeling.

“I don't see why you’re laughing- what's your name again?” Kandi drawled out as she slowly scratched the tip of her cutlass along the roof of the bus, leaving a trail of sparks behind her as she strutted up to her. “Oh, right, nobody cared enough to remember after you were left to die!”

She forced herself to stand up again as she gripped her spear tight as she glared at Kandi. “Rumors of my death-”

Kandi surged forward and knocked her back down hard against the roof, her whole body wincing as the Exorcist began to wail down blow after blow all over her. Punch after punch came and her whole body began to scream in pain.

“I think I can get away with just the head.” Kandi hissed as she brought her cutlass up into a wide swing- only to halt as a gunshot knocked it out of her hands and over the edge of the bus to the streets below.

She wearily opened her eye to see Blitz, good and reliable Blitz, aiming the turret at Kandi again as the barrel smoked slightly. “Gonna have to ask you to screw off.”

With a screech of rage, Kandi threw herself at Blitz and began to strangle the imp. He began clawing at the Exorcist’s hands and she hurried over as best she could and used her spear to choke the stupid angel herself.

She pulled back hard and Kandi, her hands still connected to Blitz’s throat, pulled him out of the turret as the three of them fell into a jumble on the roof just as the bus entered Pentagram proper.

She saw complete and utter chaos as Exorcists slaughtered their way through the streets. Piles of bodies were being stocked up as corpses were thrown every which way by Heavens Executioners. Cars burned and buildings crumbled as the angels turned the city into a charnel house.

Just like they did every single year since time immemorial.

She wanted to look away as she saw sinners beg for their lives and die, try to fight back and die, try to run away and die, or try to hide and die. She wanted to look away as she saw massacre after massacre pass her by and yet she forced herself to watch.

This was what she had been helping once upon a time… this had been her once…

Whatever ruminations she had were cut off as Kandi forcefully reminded her they were still in a pitched battle. The Exorcist sent a quick jab towards her side and got her into a chokehold. She began clawing away just as Blitz had as Kandi leaned down to whisper in her ear, “Adam will be so happy to hear you're still alive.”

She used her head as a club and put enough force into her headbutt that Kandi let her go and now hopefully had a broken nose. The Exorcist screamed and stood up- only to be knocked down and off the bus entirely by a passing street sign.

She blinked as she watched the angel tumble to the ground and fall flat in a pile of bodies… that seemed anticlimactic almost.

“Gah, Christ on a stick that hurts!” Blitz whined from behind her and she fought down the urge to tell him not to use the Lord’s name in vain like that. It wouldn't do to reveal herself to the imp like that when she hadn't even summoned the courage to tell Charlie the truth… even if he had saved her life.

She crawled over and helped him lean on her as they both slumped their way back into the bus only to be practically tackled by a feathery and furry ball.

“Dad!” Loona howled as she held the imp close. “Dont you ever f*cking do that again!”

“I… I think I almost had a heart attack.” Stolas muttered as he brought blitz and Loona closer to the back with Octavia and the butlers. She caught Blitz’s eye and nodded in appreciation as he smiled at her.

She would think of what to do to repay him later, right now she was needed again in the front.

“Alright, Jason. I'll direct and you drive.” She said as she used the chair to support herself, keeping an eye on the thin slit of road she could see. “Could you-”

Jason, perhaps sensing what she was going to ask, cranked a lever and the armored plating retracted to let her see the road clearly. Anarchy was everywhere as they passed through absolute havoc on the streets… and yet she could see where they were clearly.

“Alright, we’re near Cannibal Town so we need to go down a few more blocks till we reach the main road and make a right.” She called out as the battle-bus ran over a few fleeing sinners in its wake to make it to safety. She winced but kept her mouth closed, she would mourn for them later when they weren't being hunted by angels.

Slowly, the buildings went from burning modern ones to burning antiquity ones as they made their way towards the home of the Cannibals. She tried to think through the growing pain in her whole body, trying to remember if she was forgetting something…

“Hey, um, could you go get my girlfriend?” Jason asked gruffly as he made another sharp turn and she almost hit herself for forgetting about Mayberry. She opened the door to try and see if Crimson and his truck were still following them and was relieved to see they were.

And then she saw the blood.

Mayberry, the truck, and Crimson were all soaked from head to toe in gore and blood as Mayberry viciously held onto the Mafia Imp and slammed his head repeatedly into the side of the truck. A crazed scream was on her lips as Crimson weakly tried to fight back.

She smiled and waited a minute before cutting off the school teacher. “Mayberry, leave him!”

“He’s not dead yet, dear!” Mayberry shouted back as she readied for one more hit against the truck-

“Angels are everywhere and you're too obviously a sinner! Get back inside!”

Maybery sighed and let the very heavily injured imp fall to the truck bed in a slump before she launched herself off the side and towards the battle-bus door. She reached out and grabbed ahold of Mayberry’s hand quickly before she could fall to the ground and die. “Got you!” She called out in pain as she pulled the woman into the bus as Crimson weakly made his way into his own truck in a trail of blood.

The truck peeled off at the next intersection and she could tell they were using the main way to get to the hotel- the one that came up on a map. Luckily, she knew the shortcuts to get there. She and Mayberry rejoined Jason by the front window as she began to call out directions.

“Turn to the next exit.”

Jason blinked as he took sight of the side-road they were about to take. “Shouldn’t we stay on the mains?”

“Too obvious and too exposed.” She replied as Jason nodded and followed her advice. Siuderoad after sideroad they took, her mind in a whirl as she both watched for the next exit and watched for any angels to appear.

They made their way out of a sidestreet and right in front of the Heavenly Embassy. The place was deserted as no sane demon would dare to even approach the one place in all of Hell that was the opposite of safety.

“We got company!” She heard Loona call out from the back and she leaned out the door to see three angels giving chase, each of them calling out for blood. She swore as she leaned back in and turned to Jason.

“Those engines in the back work?”

Jason grinned nastily. “You better believe they work.” He said as he flipped open a cap and hit a switch, causing the whole bus to lurch forward as they passed by in a blur. It was a straight shot towards the hotel now and she could almost taste the safety of the place.

She was almost feeling happy for herself when something dark hit the battle-bus right in the side and sent them tumbling off into a side alley. There was a sound like tearing metal, screeching tires, screams… and then her whole body lit up in pain and everything went dark.

**********

"Are you sure about this, dear?" Her mother asked her. From out of her thick black hair a pair of silvery wings reached over to hide the smooth patches of skin where a humans eyes would be, showing only a kind smile surrounded by chocolate skin. Deep blue robes that looked woven from pure starlight surrounded her while a pair of massive silver wings tucked close to her body and trailed downward like a pair of robes. Above her head was a massive burning eye that stared at her with worry as it watched her every move.

Vaggie, clad in her new uniform, nodded proudly. "This... this is what I want to do with my life, mom." She started to fumble with her words as she spoke. "I'm good at this... I can do this!"

"We only want what's best for you, Mija." A truly gargantuan angel with four massive wings stretching out of his back said. Scratching at his bald covered head as the many eyes all over his person looked at her worriedly. Dozens upon dozens of hazel eyes staring out from his wings, from his bald head, even his palms had eyes. The tan skinned angel smiled gently at her and ruffled her hair like he had a thousand times before, "If this is what you want to do... then we wont stop you."

Both of them caught her in a hug and she almost cried as she held them both tightly. Warmth and love radiated from them and made her feel so utterly safe.

"I love you both... so, so much." she whispered to them as she drew back, tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips

She would make them proud of her.

**********

Vaggie groaned in pain as she was dragged out of the burning wreckage that was once the battle-bus. Razzle and Dazzle looked worried for a moment before they saw her eye open. “Baa!” They both cheered before going back to get the rest.

She tried to sit up only for her body to wince in pain at every last movement, but force herself she did until she was leaning against a broken off piece of metal door. That memory... she hadn't thought of her parent's in so long that it hurt to think of them now. They would be so disappointed in her, if she wasn't dead to them completely for being a traitor to Heaven.

Through the pain, she took stock of the damage: Blitz was struggling to his feet and helping Loona while Stolas and Octavia huddled together. Jason and Mayberry were both being dragged out, their eyes closed and for a moment she almost cried out before noticing their chests were still rising and falling.

Still alive, they were still alive. Everyone was still alive it seemed.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here, girls?”

Not for long, she supposed.

She turned to look as four angels appeared through the smoke and walked towards them menacingly, weapons drawn. One of them was holding a familiar glowing cutlass and had a broken off horn on the side of her mask.

Kandi was back and she had reinforcements, it seemed.

She dragged herself furiously over to her spear as she got in front of the others defensively. Razzle and Dazzle helped her up before growing to the size of wolves, their teeth glinting in the firelight as they snarled.

“When K told us you were still alive I almost didn't believe her.” One of the other Exorcists said cruelly, her voice deep and her rifle speckled with blood. “And yet… here you are. Oh, Lute is going to love this!”

“Screw Lute, when we bring her back we’ll all get our own battalions!” Another Exorcist almost sang as she twirled twin battle-axes through the air lazily.

The last one, a colossal greatsword resting on her shoulder, almost seemed to sigh as she stared at them all. “Not a single worthy opponent amongst them… pity, I was looking for an actually interesting fight this year.”

“Maybe next year, Cindy.” The battle-axed Exorcist said comfortingly as they all started towards them.

She closed her eye as the angels approached… and then she began to hear it.

Laughter.

Not laughter from the approaching exorcists, but something much deeper and more sinister sounding with an almost static tinge to it, like it was coming from… an old radio…

Somehow her golden blood went cold as ice as she immediately sprang her eye open wide, looking all around. She gulped nervously as she realized they were surrounded. Black and white… things were all around them, demons of varying sizes and shapes who all laughed with a staticky tinge to it. They looked almost like old earth cartoons characters while their oversized weapons were held loosely as if nobody present was a threat at all.

And if they worked for who she thought they worked for, then maybe nobody was.

The Exorcists fell into a circle, backs to one another as the four of them held their weapons tightly and glared out at the cackling demons all around them. “I don't know who you think you all are,” Kandi shouted out angrily, her cutlass wavering as she pointed it at the biggest one of the lot, “But you have a lot of nerve interrupting our-”

Tap, tap, tap.

The black and white demons all fell silent, the staticky laugh echoing slightly before fading as the only sound that rang out was the tapping of shoes upon the pavement. Slowly, the demons parted the way for someone, some of them looking terrified and others looking gleeful as a singular figure made his way forward.

Her first impression of the man was that he was very red. His fine pinstripe suit coat was red, his hair was red, the tip of his staff was red, and his eyes were a bright and glowing red as the pale-skinned figure made his way towards the exorcists and smiled with a mouth full of razor-like fangs.

She heard Loona suck in a breath as her own caught in her throat.

She knew who this was, she may not have ever listened to his radio show but there wasn't a demon alive who didn't know Alastor the Radio Demon. Hell’s greatest and most terrifying overlord.

The monocle wearing horror kept his smile on as he co*cked a head at them all. “Well, well, well,” he said, his voice somehow cheerful and sounding like it was coming out of a stereo system with all the static and crackle behind it. “What an odd tableau I've seemed to find myself coming across.”

He twirled his staff lazily as he used it to point at them one by one. “We have some fine feathered friends in a frenzy, we have huddling hellborn, and we have…” His eyes caught hers and she felt her own eye narrow as she gripped her spear with white knuckled force.

His smile got wider as he looked at her like she was some interesting specimen he had under a microscope before he turned to the Exorcists, not even glancing at her again as if she had fallen completely out of his existence. “What seems to be all the hullabaloo?”

“Back off, sinner.” Kandi snarled, her cutlass wavering slightly. “These scum are going to die at our hands and then your next!”

Alastor just stared at the angry angel, his smile somehow not dimming in the slightest. She shivered a bit at the intensity of his gaze even without it on her. “While I would love to continue watching them struggle and fail against you,” his voice was sly as he spoke, the overlord’s eyes staring through the Exorcists like they weren’t even there. “I’m afraid I must insist that you cease trying to kill them for all our sake.”

The one known as Cindy snorted in dark amusem*nt. “Why? Because one of these freaks is your lover or something?”

Alastor began to laugh, and every demon all around him started laughing with him like a studio audience. The staticky crackle of dozens of different voices laughing hysterically was enough to make her growl in anger alongside Kandi.

“A lover? Moi? Oh, spare me the agony- no, no no!” He chuckled, leaning against his staff as he checked his claws. “Why, I wouldn’t take a lover even if they were my soulmate- too high standards, you see.” He laughed one last time before beginning to circle around the four Exorcists like a shark. “Still, I have to thank you for the suggestion, I haven't had a good laugh like that since the great depression.”

The eyeball on his staff opened up and a different voice, still sounding like it was coming from a radio, called out, “That joke was the cat’s pajamas, boss! A regular knee-slapper.”

Ever so slowly, Alastor made his way in front of her and her group, standing between them and the Exorcists like a guardian. “No, the reason I bring attention to why these demons must live is that they just aren’t your preferred prey, I fear.”

Kandi hesitated, the other three Exorcists looking at her strangely. “What does he mean, K?”

“So they’re hellborn, who cares?” Kandi snarled again, her voice wavering slightly as the other three Exorcists around her frowned. “That imp needs to be taught some manners!”

She felt herself glance at Blitz, the burnt imp huddled protectively in front of Loona, who was herself guarding Octavia with her body. Blitz looked terrified while Loona looked like she was trying to decide between fighting or fleeing.

“Why, all imps need to be taught some manners!” Alastor called out happily. “It’s in their nature as the bottom of the pyramid.” Blitz didn't even frown or curse, too busy staring at the Exorcists for any sign of movement towards him or his daughter. “No, I would like to bring your attention to the bird.”

All four Exorcists looked at Stolas, nursing his broken arm as he stared hatefully at the angels. “What about him?” an angel asked, her mask showing her confusion.

Alstor smiled as wide as he could. “He’s a Goetia.”

The Exorcists froze up, all four of them now looking Stolas over and their frowns deepening as they took note of his high-class clothing and his top hat/crown. “I… I am Stolas, of the noble house of Stolas.” The aforementioned Goetia drawled out as he made his way over to Blitz and his daughter.

“sh*t.”

She wasn’t sure which of the angels cursed out loud, but all three of the others rounded on Kandi. “You said there was just an Imp, K.”

“How was I supposed to know a f*cking Goetia was here!?”

“By sticking to Sinners, you dumbass. If anything happened to him Adam would have us before the council- even he couldn't cover something like that up.”

“Right, because all of you are so bloody perfect. I saw you take out a hellhound once last year, Snowball!”

“A hellhound, K. A hellhound, not a f*cking Goetia!”

The four Exorcists argued for a while longer before Kandi, a look of fury on her mask, hissed out, “All of you are… free to go.” She almost breathed a sigh of relief before Kandi continued. “All except the cyclops.”

Her face went whiter as she looked up at the Exorcists, their weapons pointing dangerously at her as Kandi took the lead. “Adam will want to deal with her… personally.”

Adam, they were going to take her before Adam. She tried her best not to freak the hell out as she realized that Adam would probably have Lute finish the job and kill her properly this time. She was going to die, she was going to die screaming .

And there was nothing she could do. She could barely fight off Kandi, she couldn't fight off four Exorcists, tired and injured as she was. She was going to be dragged back to Adam and his pet psychopath… and she was never going to see Charlie again.

“Stolas…” She croaked out, keeping her eyes on the Exorcist before her. “Could you… tell Charlie I love her?”

“I will, my dear.” Stolas sounded almost sad as he spoke, the Goetia noble looking at her with a pity in his eyes. “I promise you I will.”

She used her spear to prop herself up and glared hatefully at the Exorcist as Kandi approached. Razzle pulled at her sleeve with a whine while Dazzle snarled hatefully and slowly grew to the size of a large dog. She didn't know how they would fare against angels, Exorcists couldn't be killed after all, and Charlie would be heartbroken to lose both her and her childhood servants.

She waved them both behind her as she tried to hobble her way forward-

“I’m afraid that is also out of the question.”

Alastor sounded almost bored as he took another step between her and Kandi, the overlord twirling his staff like a cane as a dark and wispy tentacle rose from out of his shadow and pushed her back down.

She stared at the Radio Demon in open shock, and so did the Exorcists, who glared hatefully at the overlord. “She Is our preferred prey.” Kandi hissed.

“And?” Alastor asked, boredom in his voice. “Your point is…?”

“It means,” Another Exorcist, this one armed with a glowing assault rifle, glared at the overlord. “Get out of our way.”

Alastor began to pick at his claws, not even looking at them as he responded, “And if I don't?”

Four weapons raised to point right at his head and he finally looked up at them, grinning. “Very well.” The world went slightly sideways as her vision crackled, strange symbols popping in and out of reality as a pair of antlers rose from the Radio Demon's head.

“M̵̧̍y̷͔̽ ̴̠́T̸̝̋u̵̹̎r̶̫̄n̶͈͊” he said and he pointed his staff at the four Exorcists.

A dozen massive, shadowy tentacles burst from the ground and began to strike forward towards the exorcists like whips. Kandi laughed, clearly amused. "What, you think your pathetic sinner magic can-" The tentacles hit her dead on in the chest and sent her flying into the group of shadowy demons behind her, who gathered around her and began to wail on her with their weapons.

Cindy and the other two began to dodge and weave, moving about with precision as they dodged the tendrils of shadow. Cindy went in for a dive right for Alastor and the Radio Demon caused reality to crackle again as he brought his staff up into a point towards her face and let loose a blast of greenish lightning that struck down the angel as more tentacles gathered large pieces of rubble and threw them at her like catapult shots. One of the other two angels was grabbed and her limbs began to be twisted by the shadow tendrils to the point of almost breaking, her cries of anger and pain causing Kandi to cut her way free and begin slicing the exorcist free.

Alastor leaned on his staff and simply smiled at them, a dozen more tendrils of darkness rising from behind him and pointing threateningly at the Exorcists. "I believe, you will find, that I can do this all day." He chirped playfully.

"Screw this!" Kandi roared, her and her squad mates flying off in a hurry. "When we come back it's going to be with a damn army!" The Exorcists hurried off and then they were alone.

Alastor tapped his staff onto the ground and each and every last demon all around them disappeared into wisps of shadow, coiling forward to blend into his own as the Radio Demon turned to the stunned group and just co*cked his head to the side.

Silence reigned for a long moment as she struggled to wrap her head around the fact that the Radio Demon had saved her.

The silence was broken by Loona, the goth hellhound standing up on wobbling paws and looking nervously at the Radio Demon. “You’re… you’re Alastor himself?”

The red-haired overlord laughed again, the sound of the studio audience backing him up even without the presence of his minions. “Why of course! Good to see my reputation hasn’t died down in my absence.”

And with that, the silence was shattered.

“You saved us. Holy sh*t, you saved us.” Octavia muttered as her hands shook like crazy. The heiress had a far away look in her eyes and she winced as she realized she would probably need loads of therapy after this.

“What the hell was that about imps needing respect?” Blitz growled out now that the danger had passed, already back to his old self much to her chagrin.

“Thank you, I just… Thank you.” Stolas was too awed for words, hugging his daughter close as he stared at Alastor like Christmas… or Sinsmas she guessed, had come early.

“Oh my, thanks from a Goetia.” Alastor grinned lazily as he disappeared his staff into a puff of red smoke. “Why, it must be my lucky day!”

“Is there…” Stolas swallowed, looked down at Octavia, and then steeled himself. “Is there anything I can offer you to make up for this?” She felt her jaw drop, a sense of second-degree horror filling her as Stolas looked at him with trepidation. He was willingly offering the most feared overlord in hell a favor? That was… she couldn't even wrap her head around what kind of sick and twisted thing he would demand-

“Luckier still- a favor from a Goetia!” Alastor laughed to himself like a kid at christmas. “Oh, but I don't need anything much from you. Just some basic supplies to get a new radio station up and running is all.”

Stolas swallowed and nodded his head furiously. “Yes- yes, of course! It will be the finest station in the Seven Rings! Why, that mister Vox will be quite jealous of all the work I put into this venture!”

Alastor froze up like a statue and then began to chuckle sinisterly. “That… will be more than enough repayment, yes.”

He then turned to her and froze her to the spot with a glance. “From you, anyway.” He said happily as he walked over to her.

She carefully fought down every last instinct she had to level her spear at him and begin making threats- he had saved her after all. “I…” She swallowed anxiously and stared at him in his crimson eyes. “I thank you for saving me… but if you think I'm giving you my soul over this-”

Alastor laughed again like she had told a funny joke. “No, no, no, my dear- if I wanted your soul…” His eyes became dials as the crackling around reality appeared again, static filled her ears as the Radio demon whispered, “ I̴̲͠ ̸̪̂ẘ̴̗ó̴̭u̵̹͌ḻ̷̕d̷͍͂ ̴̣̕h̵̰͠a̶̫͘v̸̳͝e̷̼͌ ̴̹̒Iţ̴͠ ̸̬̒a̷̻͛l̶̮̑r̷͉̒e̴̠̾a̴͙̍d̴̞̓y̵͚͆!”

She raised her spear as every combat instinct in her demanded she stab forward- only for the Radio Demon to laugh again as the crackling of reality stopped and the static in her mind disappeared. She hissed and kept her spear level to his heart.

Which was hard because he was so damn tall!

“No, my dear, you are so much more useful to me with your soul still in your body!” He said gleefully as he leaned on nothing to peer at her. “All I ask for is a small favor.”

“I’m not killing anyone for you.” She snarled and the smile on his face grew wider.

“Nor will I ask you too.” She desperately wanted to wipe the smirk off his stupid face. “No, all I want is this: The next time I ask someone something, and you are around to hear me ask it in person… you tell the person I'm asking to agree.” He kept smiling at her as he finished and she briefly wondered if he would ever stop.

She paused, and considered his words. “You… want me to back you up in a conversation?” She was hesitant, there was something here she wasn’t seeing… but for the life of her she couldn't figure it out. He was the Radio Demon, of course he had an ulterior motive, she just wished she could figure out what.

“Indeed I do.” He chirped as he stood up straight and tall. “Really, all I'm asking is that if you agree with me when I ask someone… in particular, something of minor import.” He waved a hand lazily. “Really, it has nothing to do with territory, or murder, or even crime itself… just one small ‘I Agree With Him'; is all I'm asking.”

She hesitated, his eyes never leaving her own as she swallowed. “... fine.”

“Splendid!” He turned to walk away, not a care in the world as he strolled down the ruined street. “Now- ta ta! You’ll hear of me soon when my new radio station is up and-”

“Wait!” She found she wasn't the only person calling out to him as she turned to see Loona, her paw outstretched, looking forlornly at the Radio Demon. Alastor turned back and regarded them both with a raised eyebrow.

“I…” Loona swallowed and nervously asked, “Can I have your autograph?”

Alastor froze, his whole body going rigid before an almost genuine, truly happy laugh bubbled out of him. “Why, of course you may my fine furry friend!” He walked up to the goth hellhound, summoned a small slip of parchment from nowhere, and pulled a fountain pen on a chain out of his coat pocket before signing his name in glowing green letters. He handed it to Loona who held it close to her chest. “Enjoy responsibly- if I hear about it being sold on your interwebz… I will be quite cross!”

Loona nodded eagerly and stepped back, holding the parchment up for Octavia to see as the two friends looked it over and talked. Alastor, meanwhile, turned to her and simply waited.

“I know how deals between overlord work,” she said finally, her gaze never leaving his. “Why aren’t we shaking on it to make it binding?”

The smile dimmed slightly and she could see him think, as if he were trying to choose his words carefully. “The person I plan to ask… would be quite cross with me if I did that, and it would be detrimental overall to my asking in the first place.”

He turned around and began to stroll away again. “No, I will simply ask… and hope that you repay your part of this of your own free will.” Alastor continued to move at a leisurely pace away from them, as if the Extermination were not still happening all around them.

And with that, they were left alone.

“That was… certainly an experience.” Stolas chirped, his voice slightly merry as he began hooting with delirious joy. “Why, I will be thinking of this in therapy for quite some time!”

Blitz blinked and looked up at the Goetia, “You go to therapy?”

“Starting now, I will.”

She sagged in exhaustion, wanting to curl up and fall asleep for a hundred years- a distant cut off scream and a crunch of flesh reminded her that they were all still in mortal danger.

She didn't know how much longer the Extermination had but if they were caught again… well, she wasn't going to waste her thoughts praying for another miracle. She turned around, squared her shoulders, and took stock of their situation.

Mayberry and Jason were still knocked out cold, Blitz had a few cuts and bruises here and there while Loona had some singed fur. Octavia seemed fine… completely shaken, but fine physically. Stolas, meanwhile, needed to get some treatment fast for his broken arm. Razzle was unharmed, though he was looking worriedly at all of them while she was bone-tired, slightly injured, and had to use Dazzle to help herself stay up alongside using her own spear as a cane..

But as she looked up, past the squalor, the skyscrapers, and the distant flocks of Exorcists swooping down to kill before coming back up to search for more targets… she could see the Happy Hotel. It was close by, only a few blocks away.

Charlie was nearby. And just as importantly- so was safety, at long last.

“Alright people!” She called out, falling back into her training, trying to look imposing and leader-like while using a spear and a flying stuffed toy goat butler as crutches. “We are only a few blocks away from true safety! We just have to make it a little longer and we can all relax and heal up.”

Everyone looked unsure of themselves and she tried not to think about the logistics of having to haul both herself, two unconscious demons, and an injured Goetia across a killing field. Already, she could hear the screams of the dead and dying drawing ever closer as the Exorcists moved their way closer to their part of the city.

“This is going to be tough, this is going to be hard… but it’s necessary!”

Dazzle let go of her and joined Razzle on the ground, the two toy goats slowly growing in size as they partially transformed into their dragon-forms. She finally felt a spark of hope flare up as the two butlers turned into car-sized dragons… car sized dragons that could carry them all swiftly.

They had a fighting chance now.

All around them exorcists killed and killed again while she tried to hoist herself up onto Dazzle, Mayberry and Jason secured behind her while their new security team plus said security chiefs boyfriend and said boyfriend's daughter all got onto Razzle.

“Alright guys,” she said, wincing in pain as her body demanded rest. “Take us home.”

“There! More prey!” A murderous voice called behind them as a flock of Exorcists turned the corner in the distance. Black wings flapped lazily as they looked for stragglers. She glared and opened her mouth to tell Dazzle to hurry when she caught sight of a white robed figure turning the corner with them… a white robed figure with golden wings.

Pure and utter horror filled her. “GO!” She screeched as she ignored the agony in her legs to kick Dazzle into high gear, sending the two butlers into a hurry just as a decidedly male voice began to laugh and a golden beam of pure holy energy ignited the very ground behind them where they once stood.

Her vision began to tunnel as the two dragons raced towards the hotel, bullets and arrows starting to miss them slightly as the two dragons jumped and weaved over the dead and dying. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she could hear Him laughing behind her, her mind going numb with terror.

“Almost there…” She whispered through the pain. “Almost there…”

Dazzle nearly threw them all off as he leapt out of the way of another holy blast of energy, the road of hell turning into molten slag around them. She finally closed her eye and wanted to curl up into a ball as she felt the life slowly leaving her from the sheer agony-

**********

Vaggie breathed in, and she breathed out.

Her whole body was screaming at her to just give up and give in to the darkness slowly surrounding her vision but she just couldn't let go. Her eye was gone, a bleeding empty socket where once it had been, and her wings... her precious and beautiful wings had been torn off her by the one woman she thought she could trust. Trust, heck she had actually liked Lute... maybe more than Lute liked her it seems if the eagerness with which she stabbed her in the back was anything to go by.

She had ditched her uniform as soon as she could, not wanting to even look at the hideous thing that marked her as a slayer of children. She had taken some thrown away clothes and crawled her way to privacy... and every movement was agony.

Everything hurt, everything made her feel like dying...

She leaned against the cold metal of the dumpster she had fallen beside and simply awaited death... it was what she deserved...

And then an angel appeared. Pristine pale skin, honey-blonde hair... and blood-red eyes like a demons. She was a demon...

And the single most beautiful woman she had ever seen in her life. And as the beauty patched her up slowly, almost tenderly like she somehow deserved her kindness, she swore that if nothing else she could at least try to make the beautiful woman smile at her again before dying.

**********

And then it was over.

She felt herself pass through the familiar feeling of the boundary line as she was dropped to the ground. She winced and hissed in pain as she felt her whole body scream in agony. She joined it by groaning in pain as she forced herself to sit up and open her eye.

They were all in front of the Hotel.

They had made it.

She wanted to laugh out loud with joy as she planted her spear back into the ground and forced herself into a standing position. She glared out hatefully at the flock of Exorcists right outside the bounds of the hotel and tried not to smirk. Considering who was at the front of said flock, he would probably try to do something incredibly stupid but lethal if she tried to mock them.

Golden wings flapped angrily as the Exorcists and their leader turned to look for easier prey… and Vaggie did not take her eye off them until they were far enough in the distance for her whole body to give out in a final lance of pure pain.

Somebody helped her up and she turned to see Loona and Octavia holding her between them, the two nodding at her and looking determined as they both looked at the Happy Hotel for the first time.

It was an eclectic building, born less from a serious design and more like somebody had gotten distracted several times and changed their mind on the overall theme during construction… which was exactly what happened. Warm red lighting, a ship jutting out the side for reasons Charlie wouldn't explain, What looked to be a new and improved circus themed entrance to the whole thing, many different flashing signs all around and a carousel sticking out of the side… Yes, the Happy Hotel was a bit of a confusing jumble.

Right now, it was the most beautiful place she had ever seen.

“Right.” She muttered, all the adrenaline leaving her body as she sagged between the two holding her up as they sort of dragged her towards the front doors. “Let’s hope Charlie isn’t freaking out by now.”

Notes:

Honestly, Alastor showing up was always a given... Wonder what he wants with that favor? Surely nothing that will make Vaggie kick herself to agreeing to.
So... a brief note about how this chapter was supposed to play out: Originally, I was going to interspace Vaggie fighting for her life with scenes from both Earth and the Boiling Isles to show how radically different things are for them here. You know- Vaggie fighting for her life, then Veesha podcast date, Anarchy and chaos through Pentagram City, then Camila gathering the troops for her own reveal, Alastor showing up to 'save' the day, and then Lumity lunch date.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I found that that was too tonally jarring and decided that i would sequester all of that into a Post Extermination Interlude after next chapter. I feel more comfortable that way since this is about as dark as the stories getting so far. The next chapter isn't as dark as this i promise you.
Next chapter: Charlie doesnt freak out (this is a lie) and Lucifer realizes he may, in fact, be kind of a sh*tty king.

Chapter 29: Extermination: Tertio

Summary:

Charlie isn't freaking out (this is a lie) and Lucifer realizes he f*cked up (this is true)

Notes:

So, everyone wants to know how Al was able to kill a bunch of Angels last chapter without angelic weapons. The simple answer is this: My thinking was that if you compress a person with invincible skin into a sphere the size of a golfball it will be fatal no matter what... especially if it's four people, and also the weapons that can kill them.
HOWEVER, I started to not like how that scene plays out so i made a change to it so that Alastor bruised and thoroughly beat them... but still only drove them off rather than actually kill them. He's still throwing his power around like nobody's business but it's less canon-breaking afaik. I don't know, It's 5:22 am while i write this.
I'm not exactly in the right headspace right now. IRL stuff, nothing serious but it's still digging into things.
So, after next chapter i have decided to take a week off to recoup everything and get the creative juices flowing again. Let RL get back on track and everything.
Anywho, please enjoy.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Charlie wasn’t freaking out.

No, she had moved so far beyond the realm of merely ‘freaking out’ that there were no words for the sheer, anxious horror that filled every inch of her body.

Her hair was a mess, her eyes were blood-shot, and she was daily certain that her dad could hear her grinding teeth as she paced back and forth in the lobby of the Happy Hotel. She couldn’t even appreciate all the new changes to the lobby that uncle Ozzie and his helpers had given.

Every crack and cobweb was gone, all the peeling wallpaper replaced, and the floorboards had been cleaned so hard they now shined. She had had to clamp down on her uncle’s more… outlandish design choices much to the disappointment of Angel Dust, who had seemed very into the statues and the mechanical clock with a… detailed robotic rooster.

No, she had had the wallpaper redone in warm reds and blacks with intricate runes of protection and safety sewn into them, the fireplace had been replaced with a truly massive one made from a slab of marble that was carved to represent the seven rings of Hell, all the plants had been replaced with specialty ones from Gluttony courtesy of auntie Bee, and the rug was a deep and rich purple that Ozzie had made himself.

All the furniture had had the pillows and comforters refluffed and restitched with the white poplar wood being treated so it was as glossy as metal, all the chandeliers were now gave off a friendly and warm lighting that shone out into a small rainbow around the shining glass from Lust, and the kitchen was so utterly modernized that it was practically unrecognizable- she had devices and machines for cooking that she didn't even know the names of now!

The Happy Hotel had never looked so good to her before… and she would give it all up forever if Vaggie would just walk through the front door.

She had thought her lovely girlfriend would be back in time before the Extermination where she could help her and keep her safe like she always did but Vaggie hadn’t returned before the gongs rang out and pure death descended from the skies above.

It was torture, waiting for any sign that she was still alive. Every time the slightest noise came from outside she would rush to the door and practically rip it off its hinges to see if she was back only to grow more distraught and disappointed that she was nowhere to be found.

And now she paced the lobby, just waiting to hear if Vaggie were still alive or- no, no she was still alive… she had to be…

Because if she wasn’t, she didn't know what she would do. The very thought sent her stomach squirming in pure peril and her blood boiling in absolute anger… she was alive, she had to be alive.

“You know, you’re going to wear a groove into the floor if you keep it up.” Angel Dust, her first and only customer, was sitting in a chair and drinking one of her famous chocolate milkshakes. He had put some extra sugar into his and seemed to be getting more energetic as he drank. “Those big and… strong incubi from Lust spent sooo long setting things up, would kill them to have to do it all again.”

He paused, considered his words, and then grinned. “Actually, wear away. There are a few I want to… spend time with again.”

“This isn’t a joke, Mr. Dust.” She ranted, pulling at her hair until it hurt. “Vaggie is out there and she could be hurt, or exhausted, or hurt and exhausted! What if an Exorcist finds her?” She paused, played the question over in her head again, and then raced over to grab Angel by the shoulders and begin shaking him back and forth as she wailed. “What if an Exorcist finds her!?”

“Yeah… okay… I get… it!” He tried to get out as she shook him back and forth, finally getting her hands off of his shoulders with a wince. “ Per tutti I santi! You need to chill.”

She continued to freak out and began pacing once more, her mind a whirlwind as she tried her best not to think about where Vaggie could be right now, or what state she was in. Because Vaggie was fine, she was alright and coming home soon.

She had to be.

Lucifer, her dad, was currently sitting on the steps of the grand stairway leading to the higher floors, his expression was comforting as he watched her but she ignored it in favor of continuing to freak out.

“Char… listen to me.” He explained, trying to grab her attention. “They’ll all be fine… Exorcists can only target sinners, it’s part of the treaty.” He puffed up like he was proud, actually proud, of what he was saying. “They cannot, cannot at all, target anyone who isn’t a sinner or else everything goes sideways!”

For some reason, Angel snorted at that. He had an almost dark look on his face as he smirked at her dad. “Damn, and I thought Val was cruel…”

Her dad blinked and looked confused. “What does that mea-”

She cut him off by falling into his chest and crying her eyes out. She was utterly distraught and her dad just… didn't care it seemed.

“Char-char?” Her dad asked. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong-” she cried into his suit, her mind now going into a frenzy of every last possible thing that could go wrong. “Is that my girlfriend is a sinner and she’s out there right now and you don't seem to care at all!”

Her dad blinked at her oddly. “Vaggie is a sinner? But I thought…” He looked confused, like he was trying to think of something.

And that, as they say, was that.

Her despair and her worry mixed with a new feeling: rage. Rage at her dad who wasn’t even f*cking trying!

She opened her mouth to tell him that she was going to hit him when there was pounding on the door. Whatever feelings she had were replaced once more by desperation and she practically hurled herself towards the front, her hooves sparking against the floor as she raced to open the doors.

And there on the other side was Vaggie. She was bruised, she was covered in blood and she looked exhausted being held between Loona and another demon she had never met before… but she was alive. She was alive and before her again, smiling at her gently. “Hey babe. Sorry I’m lat-”

She didn't even let her finish, throwing herself at her girlfriend with a wail as fat tears ran down her cheeks and snot began to dribble from her nose. She was crying hard, not even caring how her wails were causing her new security guard to cover her canine ears in pain. Her and Vaggie fell to the ground and her lovely and still alive girlfriend winced in pain, causing her to wail harder.

A hazy dark glow surrounded the two of them as her dad brought them both inside with his magic, placing them down gently upon a couch as she began to sniffle and press her face into Vaggie, clinging to her like she would disappear any second.

Vaggie made comforting noises as she rubbed the top of her head, fingers trailing through ehr golden locks as she cried and held her. “I’m here, Charlie.” She said gently. “I’m safe, I’m here…”

She sniffled and nodded against her, still clinging to her with an iron grip. Her uncle Satan couldn't remove her with a crowbar if he so desired.

“You’re never leaving here again.” She muttered into Vaggie’s body, her cries fading into simple sniffling. “I’m keeping you here forever, it’s official now.”

Vaggie chuckled and kept petting her hair. “You know you can’t do that, hun.”

“Yes I can and nobody can stop me!”

As she clung to her girlfriend the rest of her staff made their way inside, all of them banged up and bleeding as they plopped themselves down on the first piece of furniture they came across. A giant owl-like Goetia came in alongside a younger looking demoness who looked related to him and he seemed familiar to her. Razzle and Dazzle flew in with two unconscious sinners in their hands, laying them down on the floor and beginning to dress their wounds.

“Geez, what happened to you guys?” Angel Dust asked, a rare bit of worry in his voice as he stared at the almost broken demons before him.

“Exorcists happened, that’s what.” Blitz snarled, laying sideways in a chair as he stared balefully at the much taller sinner. “Came for us during the drive over, had to fight them off, crashed a giant bus, and then made our way on the toys.”

“By the way,” Loona muttered as she and the mystery demoness sat side by side on another couch, the goth hellhound slowly cleaning the shaking owl-like demoness gently. “All our stuff is somewhere on a random highway. We should… uh, probably send someone to go get it after everything is said and done.”

“I would but… well, that sounds like work.” Angel said with a co*cky grin that faded into a wince as Loona snarled at him. “Right, too soon and all that.”

“Yeah, too soon.” The hellhound agreed. “Wait a bit before continuing your asshole routine, will you?”

Angel shrugged and sat next to Blitz, the imp stretching and cracking his back in annoyance. “Alright, so we’ve technically lost everything and have nothing left but hopefully nobody steals any of our sh*t while we wait out… the… Er, what’s wrong with him?” Blitz pointed and everyone followed his claw.

Her dad was sitting on the steps of the great stairway, his expression confused but growing quickly concerned as he looked over them all. He suddenly stood up from the stairway, a look of dawning horror on his face. “But… you’re all hellborn.”

Blitz, Loona, The giant and familiar looking Goetia and the younger demoness all looked to one another in matched confusion and then looked back to him. “...Yeah?”

Her dad began to freak out as he paced along the bottom step, a frenzy growing in his voice as he ranted. “The treaty should- it should protect you all!” Dad pulled at his hair and whined as he stared at the ceiling. “You shouldn't have faced that and I am truly sorry.”

He breathed in and out, calmed down, and smiled at the group. “As this is the first instance, I can use it to pressure Heaven into offering concessions-”

“It’s not the first time.”

She froze up as her lovely girlfriend spoke up, looking up at Vaggie as her eye was filled with uncertainty. The most beautiful sinner in the whole of Hell looked at Lucifer and spoke again. “They’ve been killing hellborn for years… decades even.”

Her dad was frozen in shock, just staring at her like she was speaking in tongues. “... That… that can’t be.” He shook slightly. “They wouldn't… wouldn't have allowed this to happen. They’re supposed to tell me if something like this happens-”

“Well, they haven’t been!” Loona snapped, the hellhound’s anger overriding her usual fear of the Morningstar. “They just tried to kill us all and from the sound of it they don't even give a sh*t!”

The large Goetia coughed slightly into his feathered hand, awkwardly shuffling towards the now catatonic King of Hell. “Your majesty…” His feathers fluffed up and back down, the avian Goetia looking very uncomfortable. “I… do not mean to impose but from the sounds of things… it appears Heaven doesn’t care at all if they kill anyone they're not supposed to.”

Her dad seemed like he was about to collapse, just staring at… Stolas, his name was Stolas she remembered, in dawning horror. He was silent and so Stolas continued on. “The treaty is… one way only it seems.” He hooted awkwardly. “They don't care at all.”

“... I didn’t- I didn't want this.” He breathed in and seemed to choke a bit. “I… the Extermination was supposed to prevent exactly this.”

“Well, it’s not.” Blitz sounded uncaring as he spoke, wrapping some gauze around a wound on his arm. “Angels apparently wipe their ass with it.”

“Wait, you didn’t know?” Angel Dust spoke up, his voice sounding shocked. “Like… Exorcists kill everyone they come across no matter what they are… kinda thought you knew to be honest.” Angel scratched at the back of his head awkwardly. “Like, Everyone in Pride thinks you know.”

Her dad now looked like he was about to collapse. “I didn't… I didn't know.”

“sh*t, uh, I might need to remove some, er, untrue graffiti from the p*rn District then.” Angel sounded uncomfortable as he spoke. “Uh, sorry your Majesty and… uh, all that.”

Dad looked at everyone, swallowed, drew himself upwards… and then slumped, turned around, and marched up the steps and around a corner.

“sh*t.” Angel said after he left. “That wasn’t my fault, was it?”

Everyone shrugged and Vaggie slowly made her way over to the rest of the staff, dragging her along with her as she refused to let go still.

“Alright, Stolas, I guess we can make a room for you and your daughter while you wait out the Extermination.” She opened her mouth, looked at Blitz, and then sighed in resignation. “Actually, I’ll just direct you to Blitz’s room and make the room for Octavia.”

“Make it for me, too.” Loona said as she furiously tried to get her phone to work. “No way in hell I'm staying near the two of them in an enclosed space… again.”

Angel snorted. “What, they get up to kinky sh*t? Well, sweetie, when a daddy and another daddy love each other very much-”

“Literally what did I say about your asshole routine?”

The two of them began to trade barb after barb and slowly the awkward atmosphere disappeared into something more cozy. It was everything she had ever wanted… and in no way was it how she wanted it to happen.

“Honey?” She kept her face pressed against Vaggie, still clinging to her girlfriend. “I think you should maybe talk to your dad.”

She didn't want to leave Vaggie, didn't want to let go of her ever again for the rest of their lives. She clung to her girlfriend like a limpet and refused to let go. She said as much as she kept refusing to let go of her.

“Charlie, honey.” She looked up at her still alive girlfriend, her mascara smearing all over her shirt, and saw Vaggie looking down at her with such love and tenderness in her gaze she wanted to melt into a puddle. “I’ll be fine… go after your dad.”

She bit her lip. “But what if you-”

“We’ll take care of her, princess.” Loona the hellhound said, slowly but forcefully removing her arms from Vaggie’s waist much to her annoyance. “Your dad looks like he’s about to do something… I don't know, stupid?”

Stupid Loona and her stupid logic and reasoning… she sighed and let herself let go of Vaggie, standing up and brushing down her suit as she looked over the motley crew that had taken up residence in her lounge: Stolas was slowly brushing Octavia’s head-crest while the young heiress slept curled up in a ball on his lap, Blitz was looking at them fondly while he patched himself up, and Loona was even now helping Vaggie over to one of their new and improved couches so that Razzle and Dazzle could clean her wounds.

The two mystery sinners were propped up in a chair, still unconscious as they slept next to one another on a chair. She wanted to ask about them, turned to Vaggie and opened her mouth to do as much only to see the one eyed sinner waving her forward before turning back to the rest of the crew.

She had to force herself to look away, to start moving forward. She didn't want to, she wanted to keep them all in her sights so that they could never be hurt again and she could keep them safe and secure for the rest of time… but Vaggie and Loona were right.

Her dad needed her right now, and she may have a few words for him herself.

As she made her way down refurbished corridors and newly-cleaned hallways she worked herself into a proper anger. This, all of this, was his fault after all. If he had simply told Heaven ‘no,’ if he had told them ‘Actually, I would like it if you did not kill sinners please and thank you,’ then none of this would have happened.

She was properly steamed when she found the door to the library, the only door left on this floor that she hadn't burst down yet, and opened it like she had all the others, “Dad, we need to… talk…”

Lucifer simply stood at the window, staring down at the anarchy and chaos as the Extermination finished up. He was gripping the top of his staff in trembling hands and from the reflection in the mirror she could tell he had an odd expression on his face.

Whatever anger she had in her started to die out in favor of concern, “...dad?”

He sighed, his shoulders slumping as he seemed to sag under an invisible weight. “I should have realized this wasn’t sustainable.” He turned to look at her out of the side of his eye. “I should have known- should have guessed he would do this… I just…” He turned fully and sat down so his back was against the bottom of the window, pulling the brim of his hat down to cover his eyes. “I’ve failed as… as a leader.”

“Yeah, you have.” She wasn’t going to sugarcoat things, not with her feelings about the Extermination being what they were. She knelt in front of him and picked the brim of his hat back up so she could look at her fathers face. He looked forlorn, like everything was crashing down around him.

“I let my own hatred for sinners turn into… this.” He waved a hand upward towards the window and she could see a building collapse in the background. “No one deserves this… but I convinced myself over time that… I don't know.” He gripped his arms tight and looked like a lost baby animal. “I just don't know.”

She sighed, she didn't need her father losing himself inside his head right now. “Dad… why do the Exterminations happen?”

He was silent for a long moment, staying perfectly quiet and she started working up her anger again when he actually began to speak. “It was the best of two horrible options.”

He rubbed at one of his eyes and looked at her, his own eyes so full of regret that her anger faded once more. “I remember the first meeting, when the Embassy was established. It was one of Jesus’ best decisions: he wanted to establish a way for any of my success stories to make it to Heaven.”

She blinked at him in shock. “You tried my hotel program before?”

He chuckled, his voice hollow. “There weren’t any hotels around at the time, but yes. I wanted… I didn't do it because I loved sinners like you do, I did it because I wanted to prove I was still a good person after Eve.”

There was a rumble that went through the building, the books rattling and a bit of left-over dust from the renovations falling to the floor next to her. She felt like she was being watched… like someone was staring right at her but after looking around she found nobody at all.

“It was simple, I tried to work with Cain, with Goliath, with those poor daughters of Lots… those people Jesus left behind when he scoured hell for the wicked during his trip down here.” He looked up at the ceiling and seemed to sigh. “Tried to help him then, you know? Tried to help him take as many as he could… even Adam.”

He seemed to sag with despair as he continued. “Adam responded by coming down a few years later to tell me he had a new plan with the backing of the High Council: He wanted to change the treaty between Heaven and Hell… by culling our numbers down to size.”

Dad took off his hat and began to wring both it and the royal crown in his hands. “I raged and ranted for days, weeks even, all just trying to make him see reason. The council wouldn’t sign off on this… Michael wouldn’t…” He seemed to draw in on himself before coming back out to continue.

“He had an official seal of approval by Sera herself, I still can’t believe it to this day.” he looked at her with a sadness deeper than she had ever seen. “He gave me a choice: I could let him kill as many sinners as he wanted one day a year… or he could kill all demons everywhere for a whole week every few years.”

Her jaw dropped, a whole week of an Extermination… throughout all of Hell? That was… she had no words. She couldn't even try to wrap her head around the horror of that, of seeing all demons everywhere be hunted for sport for a whole week. “Dad…” She began, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder.

He placed his hand atop hers and just slumped. “I should have known that… that monster wouldn't stick to the treaty… I should have known…” He looked up at her and there were a few tears in his eyes. “I have failed, Charlie… I have failed everyone.”

She sighed and picked him up, brushing off his shoulders as she looked down at him. “You’ve failed, yeah…” he winced and she continued, “But that’s no reason not to keep trying.”

He looked up at her oddly and she kept going on her roll. “They didn't listen to you before, but it’s been so long that things are bound to be different! We’ll come at it from a new angle, we’ll take it on with everyone behind us and come out all the stronger.” She gripped his shoulders and stared as intently as she could into his eyes. “Do you want the Exterminations to stop?”

He looked decidedly confused but he did nod.

“Then we have a lot of work to do to prove it’s successful before Heaven.” She let go of him and began to furiously scribble on some of the loose paper she had on hand, her crayons working overtime as she hurried out her words, “I have an interview with Velvette of the Vees after the Extermination- it was supposed to be with Tom and Katie from Channel 666, but she intervened and wanted to interview me personally, so I can start selling the idea of the hotel to the whole of Pride rather than just Pentagram!” She began to force papers into his hands as she worked herself into a frenzy of movement. “I’ll bring Vaggie, Razzle, and Dazzle along and we can get this ball rolling.”

“I’ll ask Mr. Blitz’s boyfriend if he can try to find some sympathetic Goetia to spread the message around or even try to increase funding through the Royal Convocation- it’s the least they can do after the mess from the coronation.” She breathed in and out, all previous feeling falling to the wayside beneath the wave of determination filling her. “I need to start finding more staff- a concierge and a cleaning team at least so I can-”

She heard a sniff and looked behind her to see her dad smiling at her with watery eyes. She raised an eyebrow and he rubbed at his eyes with his free hand. “You… you just look so much like your mom when you're passionate about something.” He smiled at her and she felt her heart squeeze as she smiled back.

A gong sounded off on her dad’s phone and he pulled it out and smiled weakly. “It’s over this year…” He breathed out and she nodded, getting ready to send off a flare from the rooftops like her mom used to do back in the day to signal the end of the culling.

“Charlie?” She saw that he now looked serious, his eyes dark as he squared his shoulders. “I don't know what will happen but I want you to know… I will support you no matter what.”

She smiled and nodded, already planning out her ways of attack on whatever angel she could get a meeting with. She would get a meeting with Heaven… somehow. It might take a few months but she could be persistent and annoying when she wanted to be- Uncle Mammon said so!

He meant it as a compliment, at least.

Her and her dad stormed out of the room and made their way upward towards the roof to signal the official end of the Extermination, all the while her mind ran out every possible conversation she could have with the kind and slightly stuffy leaders of Heaven. They would listen to her.

She would make them listen to her.

Notes:

Lucifer: thinks Vaggie is an Angel and so is visibly confused by Charlie's statement.
Charlie: Big Mad!
Anyway, the next chapter should return us to our regularly scheduled Rom-Com shenanigans... as well as Alastor lore. But mostly Shenanigans.
Next Chapter: Veesha True-Crime Podcast Date, Camila Gathers The Troops, Lumity Date Shenanigans,

Chapter 30: What a wonderful day

Summary:

As Hell recovers, Earth moves on and life continues

Notes:

Sorry about not posting yesterday, slept right through my alarm and missed the deadline.
Thank you so much for the kind words everyone, im happy to say that all my IRL stress disappeared within hours of posting the last chapter, lol. I was so ready for it to continue and it just went poof! Goodbye stress, stay safe. I'm relieved but also a little confused by how quickly everything came together on my end.
So... not happy with how this chapter ends but considering my plans i have literally no other notion for how to end it other than the obvious- which i can't do because I'm saving that for later.
You'll see what i mean.
Anyway, enjoy some homebrewed Alastor lore, Veesha hosting a podcast, Camila setting up the next date and a Lumity almost-proposal.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

It was another peaceful day in Gravesfield, Connecticut.

The sky was slightly overcast as if it would rain later and the temperature was quite warm. Flowers bloomed pleasantly and the trees began to bud and regrow from the winter chill. It was a lovely spring and from all signs would be a wonderful summer.

People went about their lives without a care, simply going day by day as they woke up, went to work, brought home food for the family, hung out with friends, went to church, went to school, picked their kids up from school, and simply continued on happily and content with their place in the world.

As the sun shined down upon the old town, Vee wanted to simply curl up on the deck chair and sleep like a lizard. She was in her true form, a simple shirt and jacket on as she let her serpentine base form slither along the hallways of the house she shared with her friends.

It was technically Morgan Dean’s house, but he had invited the rest of Cabin 7 as roommates and so they all lived together now. It was a nice set up: Her and Masha had their own room, Terry Lancaster had her own room, and Morgan had his basem*nt superpad where he didn't have to hear Terry bring over girls she was hooking up with or her and Masha get up to anything spicier than holding hands.

Technically, she wanted to sleep and just bask like a reptile on a sunrock… but her job came first.

Well, it was technically a job.

“What is up, my killer darlings?” Vee sang into the mic, Masha smirking as they popped their collar and relaxed into the chair. “It’s ya girl, Vee. Here today with my lovely significant other: Masha. Say hi, Masha.”

“Hi, Masha.” They said with a smirk, shooting finger guns towards her as they began to reach out to fiddle with the feedback readings. “As always: We here at the Murder They Wrote Podcast would like to remind both our lovely killer darlings-”

“Who have stayed with us since the start of our grand adventure.” She said happily.

“-And any newcomers who don't know what our whole deal is, this podcast will contain triggering content as we cover only the juiciest of crimes.” They finished up as Terry came in with a few notes they handed to them. She looked them over and found the juiciest gossip for their main segment today ands she flashed a mega-watt smile that Terry returned with a thumbs-up before going to begin moderating the comments.

She did not envy her, that was a thankless job that they all had to spin a wheel for since nobody wanted to deal with the internet.

“So if you don't feel like you can handle: Cannibalism, stalking, murder, references to gore…” She began listing off the various ways their podcast had covered serial killers and odd cases over the past. From Son of Sam to the Zodiac Killer, they covered everything that caught their eyes.

Terry and Masha would research for days, coming up with anything and everything that could possibly be connected to the chosen subject, Morgan made sure all the equipment was up and running so that nothing could go wrong during the livestream, and Vee herself? Well, she was apparently “ The Sweetest and Bubbliest Crime Documentarian on the net. ” according to the comment section.

She had a charm that brought in the fans and kept the donations coming in, up to the point they had done some collabs with other big Podcasts and even some YouTube channels covering True Crime.

Vee didn't really see why humans were so obsessed with the idea of listening to the worst of their species doing the worst sorts of atrocities but apparently it was a big deal because the Cabin 7 Crew were getting all sorts of big money from donations due to their podcast.

And now they were getting into the final days of one of America’s most prolific serial killers, and one of its earliest. She was actually getting excited, learning more and more about the complicated final year of the Bayou Butcher was amazing. Plus, she would say the few pictures they found of him painted him as quite the looker.

Or, as Morgan called him, a ‘Total Daddy.’ Masha had been so disappointed in his taste in men they hadn’t talked to him for a whole day after hearing that.

“Alright, my killer darlings-” she said into the mic, happy as a clam to continue with this. “-today we’re finally getting to the finale of our five part series about Alistair LeBlanc: The Bayou Butcher.”

Masha cleared their throat and picked up from there. “Where last we left off: Huey Long had just declared a state of emergency over the Bayou Butcher’s reign of terror while the Butcher was openly mocking the New Orleans Police Department, as well as other departments throughout the state, over their failure to capture him."

“Meanwhile,” She spoke up after a second, “Alistair’s meteoric rise as a Radio Superstar was only increasing as he soothed the worries of the state with his velvety voice… a voice that our own Morgan Dean likes listening to.”

Morgan rolled his eyes as the shapeshifter and the enby both giggled, happily playing up the humor for the audience… even if they really did enjoy teasing their friend.

She cracked her shoulders and went all in. “We now approach the final days of Alistair: His planning for his next kill and his next cat and mouse game with the Police… and the day it all ended.”

She grinned, letting her teeth shapeshift into that of a shark. “Now, Big Daddy Alistair was clever… very clever.” She tented her fingers and pretended to be a grizzled detective, even shifting a trilby onto her head so she could complete the part. “Openly eating the crime scenes down to the bone wouldn't have flown nowadays with all our big technology-”

Masha picked up after her, “But back then? He might as well have been a ghost for all that he had the police chasing their own tails. Since his first kill with Monty DuPaix-”

Okay, no, she wasn’t going to stand for that kind of misinformation. “Which, I would like to remind viewers, isn’t quite confirmed and is only my significant other’s opinion.”

Masha rolled their eyes. “Sorry folks, my girlfriend is still stuck on her ‘Alistair Started With His Own Father’ theory.” They smiled good-naturedly at her. “I think that’s bunk and he killed his old landlord as a first kill.”

“And I-” she stressed. “Will die on this hill: Jerome LeBlanc had enough DV records that I think he’s sus as hell. Teenage heartthrob Alistair probably thought the same since all their neighbors talked about the fights and abuse he suffered. The man disappeared under suspicious circ*mstances not long after his mother passed away… my case rests.”

Masha began counting off their hand. “And I believe that it was later than that… Monty DuPaix was openly planning to cast out the man since he had been given grief for letting a creole man stay around white folk and Alistair was the last person to see the man alive before the man was fricasseed like a Thanksgiving turkey. There was a report of shouting before Alistair left-”

“Something I would like to note did not come up until after everything about Alistair being the Bayou Butcher was revealed to Louisiana.” She intervened.

Masha sighed. “We’re retreading old ground here. Let’s focus on finishing his life before we get to the juicy goss.”

She shrugged. “Anyway… Alistair was pretty co*cky for someone with every cop in the state on his tail, as evident by his now infamous broadcast sections where he covers the murders himself. He was arrogant, but he was still as clever as a fox and left behind not a single clue.” Honestly, it was nice to cover stories like this instead of tyrannical leaders and their atrocities.

Cold walls and a colder set of iron bars. Cruel masks set in iron and steel. A pair of blue eyes that haunted her dreams beneath a golden mask that would terrify her even to her dying day-

No, she thought with a shiver. No, she would never cover any bad leaders…

A hand gently held hers and she looked up to see Masha looking at her in worry, Morgan and Terry glancing worriedly at her. She wasn’t in the cell anymore… she would never set foot in a cell ever again. She had friends now, good friends who she loved.

She was never going back into the cell.

“Babe, are you okay?” Masha, ever dependable masha, looked concerned as they stared at her.

In response, she pecked her on the lips. It was a quick and simple kiss, one they had shared many times before even when livestreaming for Terry’s gaming channel much to the amusem*nt and joy of the audience. Masha leaned back sharply with an atomic blush as she smirked at them

“I am now.” She said cheekily as she turned back to the mic. “Sorry about the brief silence on my end: had to surprise my lovely significant other with another kiss… and I was remembering that some of you thirst over deer boy himself.”

Masha barked out a laugh, their voice happy as they leaned on her shoulder and spoke into her own mic, “This is worse than when we covered Ted Bundy and one of you literally commented ‘ I can fix him. ’ Seriously, y’all need Jesus.”

“Masha?”

“Hmm?”

“Aren’t you an atheist?”

Masha grinned and leaned up once more much to her disappointment. “That doesn't mean they don't need Jesus.”

“Fair enough.”

Vee let her lower half shift back into her serpentine base form as she curled her tail up around the base of her chair, her trilby once more appearing on her head. “Now we get to August 25, 1935. The day before he had successfully finished the second to last piece of Robert Kirk he had in his ice box and decided to go out to stalk his next victim,”

“Alistair entered the swamps surrounding the city and followed a gator-hunter named Troy St. Clair for hours on end, gathering intel and even breaking into his home along the Bayou in order to scope out all avenues of escape.” Vee imagines the next part as she slowly morphs the half-creole radio star into a familiar white puritan, her voice growing a bit vindictive as she speaks.

"Alistair is a master of moving through rough terrain from his childhood, Jerome taking him on many hunting trips as a way to toughen him up because God forbid a boy just be a child, no..." Masha breathed in and out before continuing. "The point being that he would never be found by trackers or hounds unless he wanted to be found."

"Picture this, my killer lovelies: It's a warm and temperate evening." She began to make spooky noises with her mouth as she began her scene setting. "And you just confirmed who your next kill is going to be. Nobody has found you before this and they will probably not be able to find you before you stalk and kill the poor sucker you want to hunt like game."

"The wind is whistling through the trees, fireflies all around you as you carefully move through the brush to avoid the more well-treaded paths back into N'oleans." Morgan clicked a button on the board to ensure that the audience listening would be able to hear everything she was describing: Swampy nighttime ambience with footsteps and brush moving. People loved sound effects. "You are on top of the world and nothing can stop you."

Masha grinned as they spoke. "Enter stage left: Nathan Fitzpatrick."

“The hunter had been following a twelve-pointer for almost as long as Big Daddy Alistair had been stalking his own victim. And when he sees a tall figure with what appears to be antlers… well, what else was he supposed to do?”

Vee imagines it over and over, seeing Belos being shot by a random hunter as he crawls about in the human realm like a slimy monster. His golden antlers or his goopy horns being mistaken for a deers and getting him mounted on a wall somewhere. She takes probably more pleasure than she should from the image.

Then she dismisses any misgivings about it by remembering it was Belos and he deserved it.

Masha, clearly sensing her own thoughts, shows her a picture of a blue eyed goop monster shouting ‘Ow!” as a doodle of her kicks his butt. She giggles and lets the vindictive rage fall away as she focuses on her own podcast.

“Alistair is shot dead on the spot, clearly distressing the hunter who picks up his body and takes him to the nearest police station in distress. He got Dick Cheyney’d, my Killer Darlings.” Masha sounded mockingly sad as they spoke, wiping away a fake tear from their eye. “So sad, very RIP.”

“Whose Dick Cheyney?” She asked in confusion as Masha blinked owlishly at them and then slapped their forehead.

“Guy who mistook a hunting buddy for a deer and shot him, got away with it because he was Vice President.”

She oh'd and nodded her head before looking at the mic and smiling as Masha continued.

“The police didnt really connect that this was the Alistair LeBlanc, simply thinking this was a random creole man so they decided they would cut him open and then call it a day. It was a simple autopsy that was performed, nothing serious at all but something the local cops wanted to do since they were bored.” They spoke well, but they always did so she wasn’t surprised in the least. She could listen to Masha speak for hours and hours about nothing at all and still be enthralled. “The cops just wanted to waste time until the next of the Butcher’s victims were found… so imagine their surprise when, after accidentally cutting open the stomach, the Medical Examiner found human remains in Deer Boy’s stomach?”

“That’s right, my killer lovelies.” She cut in, her voice sweet once more. “It was literally a case of the police being bored that brought Alistair’s game to ruins.” she curled up in the chair, getting comfy as she prepped for the real meat of the podcast to come. “They raided his house and found his safe of trophies taken from each victim, they found human remains in his ice box they found his secret closet full of potential victims and all their information… The most famous voice in Louisiana, the man who had made his career grilling Huey Long himself over the coals in a now infamous interview two years before, the man who was the comforting daddy you listened to in the evenings was in fact the Bayou Butcher himself.”

“The fallout was apocalyptic.” She didn't feel comfortable covering the next parts and wanted to get to the fun parts of her podcast but they needed to be covered. “Race riots erupted throughout the South with the news that a biracial-creole man had killed and ate over a hundred people. Jim Crow laws were intensified across the south and the French Quarter of New Orleans was partially burnt in a riot by white citizens."

“Every newspaper in the state was practically over the moon that they were able to gain new ammunition for why the Radio was made by the devil and every radio star was a criminal in waiting.” Masha spoke up, sighing into the mic. “His radio station was raided and every member of the staff taken in for questioning, Anti-civil rights groups used it as evidence that everyone with skin darker than milk was a menace to society, and his best friend and confidant Mildred ‘Mimzy’ Johnson was shot dead after a standoff with the Baton Rouge Police Department turned into a shoot-out when she and the mobsters she worked for assumed the police were there for them and opened fire.”

“Huey Long essentially used it to try and pass laws that would restrict what both Radio Stations and Newspaper Dailies could print or say, something that got the Supreme Court sniffing around.” Vee shrugged as she spoke, not at all interested in the Louisiana Kingfish. “Of course, before any of this could happen, September 6th rolled around and Carl Weiss shot him dead before the whole of Baton Rouge to see.”

“Which of course leads us to the main topic of today’s episode: Alistair’s legacy, his impact on Louisiana both good and bad, and the many, many documentaries and shows made about the man.” She smiled as she began rifling through her notes. “Do you know that the only actual evidence for Alistair being gay was made whole-cloth by the book ‘The Horror Of New Orleans’?”

She giggled as she looked over her notes. “It’s true! The 1985 book makes a lot of assumptions about the relationship between Huey Long and Alistair LeBlanc, to the point that there are at least fiftyfics on Ao3 with that very premise.”

“Can the Voice of New Orleans tame the mighty Kingfish?” Masha said dryly, their shoulders shaking with how hard they weren’t laughing. “Or will the beast inside Alistair’s dark heart ruin his last chance for romance?”

“I’d read it.”

“Babe.” They said slyly, a smirk on their face. “You wrote Huey and Alistair fanfiction. I know you would read it”

“It’s not my fault that the famous 1934 interview sounded like two jilted lovers airing out their dirty laundry for the whole of Louisiana to hear!” She defended herself from these attacks against her character.

Masha patted her head, to which she pouted at her. “Anyway,” she continued. “A lot of people like to imagine that Alistair was a closeted homsexual, to the point that that was one of the official psychologically accepted profiles about the man who famously never had any significant other before actual Gender Theory came about.” She held her head with one hand and twirled her hair with the other. “There were, however, no ‘roommates’ or ‘close friends’ he had other than Mimzy.”

“Which led to Carly and the crew over at the lovely ‘Murderous Creatures’ podcast series to ship the two of them together.” Masha grinned. “By the way, if you haven’t listened to our three part story about the Amityville Horror we did with them, please check it out on Spotify.”

“Alistair certainly had a negative impact on almost everything he touched after his death.” she continued. “His creole heritage was used for many racist attacks and laws being passed, his status as an unmarried and famously uninterested man was used to pass sodomy laws, and his radio station was vandalized so much after his passing that it was shut down just a year later in July of 1936.”

“Basically, he was a sign of the apocalypse for straight, white America.” Masha said as they nodded. “Of course, you’re not here for the boring political stuff, you’re here for the most important question of all: Is he actually gay? We’ve already had twelve different shipping wars since starting this series and so it’s time to start one of our own. Huey and Alistair or Mimzy and Alistair? Place your bets now people cause I’m gonna cover every last possibility including the rare and widely unaccepted Asexual Alistair…”

**********

Camila sighed as she drank her hot tea and listened to some old tracks she had on her stereo. Tapping her feet, she sighed as she waited for her guests to arrive. Her house was clean, her lunch was ready, and she was prepared to meet once more with the other side of her daughter’s life.

It was a tense time as she tried to think of what to do. Usually she would be texting away with Lucius to see if he would be available to go out but he was still busy with whatever fallout was happening between his company and his fathers. Personally, she thought his father sounded like a jerk and by god, she would say that to his face.

She leaned back into the chair and sighed. Was a demon realm party really the best way to reveal the existence of the Boiling Isles? It was about the only way she could get him to realize she was serious about the fact that there was, indeed, a whole different dimension stashed away in the house in the woods she had bought up. It had seriously killed her home equity but overall it was worth it, to ensure that the Isles could stay a part of both her and Luz's lives.

And now it would be part of Lucius' life... if it wasn't already.

She knew there was something he wasn't telling her, something that he was hiding but overall he seemed to be genuine abolut his feelings for her. Maybe this would be the final push that would get him to realize he didn't need to hide that he was a werewolf hiding amongst the human world and struggling with his inner demons?

Okay, she may have read a few too many trashy supernatural romances over the years.

There was a knock on the door and she took one last look at all the food she had prepared before she went over to open the door. “You all made it!”

The Hexsquad, those teenagers- no, they were young men and women now, those young men and women who had come into her home and stayed for months as they tried to blend in with the human world to… questionable results. Willow Park went in for a hug and actually lifted her off her feet from sheer strength alone.

“Mrs. Noceda! It’s good to see you again.” Willow said brightly as she put her down and smiled at her. Behind her, Hunter rubbed at the back of his head and smiled shyly while Gus fixed his glasses and grinned from ear to ear.

It was just like the old days… except without the ever present feeling of melancholy from worrying about the Isles.

“It’s so good to see you all again.” She said as she welcomed them inside, looking behind the Hexsquad for any sign of Luz or her future daughter-in-law. She found not a trace and wondered where they could be.

Ah, well, she would ask in a bit she supposed.

“Thank you all for coming.” She started, sitting down across from the three of them as she watched the three almost seem to relax into the furniture. “I was hoping I could ask you all for a favor.”

“Mrs. Noceda-” Gus began only for her to cut him off.

“I told you before, you can call me Cam.” She smiled at the young man as he chuckled happily.

“Cam, then.” He continued without hesitation. “After everything you’ve done for us, it would be insane not to offer any help at all.”

“Plus, we all kinda owe you for the whole ‘ Housing us in another dimension ’ thing.” Hunter said with a nod as Willow and Gus made noises of agreement.

She smiled gently. “You don't owe me anything for that.” She wouldn’t stress this since she had tried, and failed, to fight this particular battle in the past to no avail. Even as she spoke, the three members of the Hexsquad shook their heads firmly and she gave up yet again.

“I was hoping I could hold my own little demon realm party here in the house.” She sighed and wondered how to explain. “I… might have been forced to tell Lucius about the Boiling Isles.”

“Forced?” Willow asked strangely.

She sighed in annoyance as the memories of that night played once more. “It’s a long story, and one ill be telling a lot. Basically, a few demons from the Isles showed up and crashed my date and revealed themselves to Lucius before anyone could stop them.” She stopped, thought it over, and nodded to herself. “I guess it wasn’t that long of a story afterall.”

Hunter went into what she liked to call ‘Soldier Mode’ where he reverted back into the training he had been given by the jackass who abused a child into a child soldier. Probably Philip, the jerk. He leaned forward with a calm look in his eyes. “What description can you give-”

“No.”

He blinked at her and turned between her and Willow, both of whom had spoken up immediately. “I don't need you fighting my battles, especially ones that are over and done with.” She explained as Willow nodded.

“And I don't need you regressing back into the Golden Guard whenever things go wrong.” Willow added on as she looked sternly at Hunter. “That’s what therapy is for.”

Hunter leaned back, breathed in, and then breathed out as he forced himself to relax as his shoulders visibly untensed. “Right… you’re both right. I’m, I’m sorry.”

She offered him a cookie and he grumbled as he ate into it. Perhaps it was a good thing Luz wasn’t present because she would have teased him over how cute it was and started a fight already.

She smiled at the thought, just enjoying how her life had turned out. She had always wanted more children before… before Manny had taken a turn, and now Luz had siblings galore. Her daughter had found more family to add onto their own and she couldn't be happier for her.

“Cam?” Gus broke her out of her reverie, his voice slightly worried. She smiled as she wondered how her younger self would have felt about how her life had turned out.

“Ah, I’m perfectly fine… just got lost in thought.” She leaned back and sipped her tea once more. “Back to the point: Do you think I could get a small-” she stressed the last word out as much as she could, “Party together?”

“Could probably convince Eda to come with King, though Raine will most likely be too busy.” Willow said as she got up to get herself a drink.

“I could get some books and literature that go over the Isles, maybe even a good map of it.” Gus said happily, already getting out a notebook as he began to furiously scribble. “I’m used to explaining the human realm to Witches- I’ve never had to do the reverse since Luz was already learning from Eda when we met.”

“I… don't really have anyone I could ask that wouldn't make it a bigger party than you want.” Hunter shrugged, then stiffened and seemed to brighten up considerably. “Oh, but I could bring some food or something! Make meals for him that he could eat.”

She remembered the last time she had tried to eat Boiling Isles food and had to fight to keep the smile on her face. “That is… most generous but… um,” He looked so desperate for something to do she relented with a sigh. “FIne, but nothing too fancy or anything.”

“I can do non-fancy!” He said as he saluted her. She giggled as the three began to discuss all the plans they were coming up with for the party. She wished Amity was here, the young woman was quite the organizer.

Speaking of…

“By the way…” She trailed off as she sipped her tea. “You wouldn’t happen to know where Amity and Luz are, would you?”

Willow smirked and leaned against her hand. “Probably on a date while Amity chickens out on popping the question.”

She blinked, turned her words over in her head, looked for any possible misinterpretation, and then carefully put down her cup of tea. She then launched herself upward and shrieked in pure delight.

Willow blinked and looked at her. “You… didn’t know she was planning that, did you?”

She continued happily squealing in pure delight.

Willow sighed and leaned against Hunter. “Damn it, I pulled an Eda…”

**********

Amity Blight was very much not a coward.

Okay, that was a lie, she was absolutely a coward since she had yet to do the one thing she wanted to do and ask the damn question already!

It was perfect: she had planned out a date to the human realm, bringing her own blanket and human-safe food she had baked by hand. She had her hair so perfectly done that Emira said she would, and she was still confused by this, ‘slay, queen!’ And she had made sure her dress was clean and ready.

Everything was ready and she knew exactly how this would go down. She would list out all of Luz’s graces and accomplishments before launching into a speech about how wonderful and special she was. She would carefully get down on one knee and open up the box to show off the ring that Eda had made special: A one to one recreation of Azura’s ring of power from book three that she used to defeat the Vile Emperor Dharkon.

Everything fled her mind the second she had lain eyes on Luz, however. Her batata looked so… so pretty! The light caught her eyes just so and made them gleam like warm chocolate and she got lost in them until she had asked her what they were doing.

She had completely forgotten everything and they walked aimlessly talking about everything and nothing until they finally ended up right where they were supposed to be by complete happenstance: the park in the center of town.

Emira and Edric, hiding in a pair of nearby bushes, had promptly made fun of her for being a ‘useless lesbian’ as her sister told her with what she hoped was affection.

As she sat on the blanket and listened to Luz talk about the developments on the hotly awaited book six, something that normally she would be all over and gushing alongside her, all she could think about was the ring in her pocket.

‘Come on, don’t be a coward.’ She thought to herself as she breathed in and out.

“... and now people are saying that since Mildred is getting up in years that she might not be able to finish the series.” Luz explained, her eyes alight with pure passion as she talked about their shared series and she found herself once more getting lost in her eyes. “Can you believe that, Amity?”

“Mhm,”

“I mean, I know she isn’t the youngest author now but she’s been working on book six for years now! It will be great and I cant wait to show it off and read it together with you.” Luz turned to her and smiled and she smiled back.

“I think that would be wonderful, batata.” She leaned her head into Luz’s lap, just staring up at her as the sun almost gave her what she had learned was called a human realm thing known as a ‘halo.’ “But… you know we could always write our own if worst comes to worst?”

Luz smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear. “I know, sweet potato… but I just had this silly dream is all.”

She made a questioning noise and Luz continued bashfully. “I had this dream of you and me reading the new Azura book to a bunch of kids together and it made me really happy.” She smiled and once more she felt everything in her mind escape her. “I want to read the next book with you because… well, I just like doing anything together with you.”

Luz slowly petted her hair and looked down at her with such warmth in her eyes. “I love you, Amity Blight.”

She opened her mouth and a sound audible only to canine creatures came out of it. She would never, even on her dying day, ever get tired of hearing those words come from Luz.

She felt confused as she leaned up to begin kissing her, though. She felt like there was something she was forgetting to do, something that she had wanted to do instead of making out with her wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and absolutely perfect girlfriend.

She pulled away and wondered what it could be. Probably nothing important, she finally decided on as she decided to simply sit and listen to her girlfriend.

She turned to the side and saw Emira hiding in a bush with an annoyed look on her face, making a ‘get on with it’ gesture with her hands.

Oh.

That was what she forgot to do.

She got up out of Luz’s lap and stared at her seriously. “Luz… there’s something I actually wanted to ask you-”

“That’s funny, cause there’s something I wanted to ask you!” Luz chirped as she reached out and booped her on the nose. She blushed and looked at the impish grin on Luz’s face and relented.

“So get this.” Luz explained as she spread her arms wide. “Mom wants to introduce Vee and I properly to Mr. Magne and have us go on a family outing together after the big reveal and I…” She breathed in and out and held her hands gently. “I was wondering if you would join us since you’re, you know, practically part of the family according to mom.”

Camila thought that? A warm feeling spread through her chest at the thought that Camila thought of her like that, maybe the notion of marrying her daughter wouldn't be so out there for the woman. It was nice to know she was wanted.

She may be in mortal terror of Luz saying No but it was still nice to have that tidbit of knowledge handy.

“I...” She smiled at her girlfriend happily. “I would love to join you guys. Where exactly are you all going?”

Luz beamed brightly. “The Zoo!”

The Zoo? Where the Giraffes were? Suddenly she wasn’t so sure about this considering the last time they had visited the demon realm exiles one of them had opened it’s fanged maw and tried to crawl out of the enclosure on a dozen legs before getting distracted by the announcement of feeding time.

Still, she had faced two different apocalypses alongside Luz, she could handle a few Giraffes again. Plus it had its own upsides. “I would like to see the big cats again.” She mused as Luz slung an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close.

“That’s the spirit!” She cheered happily and she sighed in contentment. She really didn't deserve Luz. Her girlfriend looked at her expectantly after she pulled away. “So… what did you want to ask me?”

This was it… this was the moment she had been waiting for. She breathed in and out, rolled her shoulders a few times, and opened her mouth to ask the one thing she needed an answer to-

“Excuse me, ma’am.” A gruff voice interrupted her and she closed her mouth with an annoyed growl before turning to yell at whoever had broken her concentration only to see a human coven scout- no, they were called ‘police’ here, standing with a frown on his face while holding onto her siblings.

She stared in abject mortification as Emira and Edric squirmed in the man’s grip. “Passersby have reported two strange and suspicious characters stalking the two of you, but they claim that they were actually related to you.” He looked her up and down and snorted. “Now, I don't think I believe that so-”

“Actually, those are her siblings.” Luz interrupted him herself, a frown on her face as she looked between the three of them. “Why they’re here… I dont know, maybe to play a prank?”

“I’m absolutely hurt, you know?” Edric said, a look of sadness on his face. “All we’ve been through and you think I would interrupt Mittens on this important of a da-”

Emira reached over with a foot and stomped on his own hard with her heel, causing him to wince. “She hasn’t asked yet, idiot.” her sister hissed and she felt the need to hide her face in despair as they started up the bickering routine they would never quite leave no matter how much time passed.

The cop, looking between how her and luz were situated and her siblings, finally seemed to get what was happening as he smiled bashfully and nodded his head to the lot of them. "I... apologize for interrupting, ill get out of your hair." He then looked at her and smiled. "Good luck, ma'am."

'Well,' she thought to herself as he walked away. 'Now everyone in the human realm knows.'

“It’s very rude to spy, you know.” Luz said, sounding slightly miffed. “I don’t know what you two were up to-”

“Forget about that.” She said hurriedly before laying in on them herself. “Why in the Titan’s name were the two of you not using illusion magic?”

Her siblings looked at one another before staring back at her. “Because… we’re in the human world and don't want anyone to see us use magic?”

“Also, we forgot!” Edric supplied helpfully.

She stared in disappointment.

“So!” Emira clapped her hands together and smiled brightly at the two of them. “I’m sure Mitten’s has very important questions to ask so we’ll be going right over there.” Emira grabbed ahold of Edric and dragged him off behind a tree, waving the two of them on with her free hand as she went. “You crazy kids have fun!”

She sighed and decided to roll with it. She turned back to Luz only to see her pulling out her phone and frowning.

“My mom just sent me her first keyboard smash.” She sounded confused as she spoke. “And now she's sending a long string of heart emoji's, a second keyboard smash, and more emoji's of people crying. I… don't know what it means but we should probably get back.” She rubbed the back of her head anxiously. “Sorry, Hermosa.” She chuckled awkwardly.

She slumped in disappointment just as Eric and Emira cried out in anguish.

Notes:

So i know what you're thinking: why not just have the proposal now? Because of secret reasons, that's why.
Anyway, i have two things to announce before letting you go. The first is that i will be taking a small break to recoup and get the next three chapters extra super good so no chapter until next Tuesday or Thursday.
Which actually leads into my next announcement... the next three chapters are special, both to me and to the story at large. They will be of higher quality than most because i want them to be as perfect as can be. Because the next few chapters, well, they cover a whole new cast of characters... and one who has technically shown up before but not really.
Next Chapter: No Spoilers, I don't want to ruin the surprise :)

Chapter 31: Welcome To Heaven, Manny Noceda

Summary:

Years ago, a man lay dying on the last day of his life
This is only the start of his tale

Notes:

Suprise, we're back with another chapter.
So originally I planned on spending my break doing nothing... which lasted up until i realized that there was still so much left to do and write so the break was mostly to sure up some things. Actually kind of worked on the spin offs that will drop this week: CHERUB spin off on Thursday and the "absolutely only written because of Apology Tour" Verosika prequel one-shot later today. My thoughts about Apology Tour will be posted below in the Endnotes btw
Anyway: These three chapters are some i have been waiting to write for a very long time, actually since i started this. Of course Manny was going to show up, and of course Heaven was going to show up. I tried to avoid anything resembling a spoiler because i wanted this to be a surprise. This chapter was a very emotional one for me because like Luz, i also lost my father (though he was estranged most of my life) It's... it's a lot.
Speaking of surprises, i apparently went past 150k views sometime over the weekend. Yay, you all are amazing and i love every single one of you.
Now, a BIG FAT TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter: This chapter is from the perspective of a dying man, if you don't feel comfortable reading that then skip ahead to one-third of the way through the chapter when we get to all the Heaven bits and bobs.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Beep, beep, beep.

The machine kept beeping. It had been beeping for months and months now. It even beeped in his dreams.

Beep, beep, beep.

Manny Noceda tried to cough into a fist and felt pain wrack his entire body as his hand hit against the breathing mask latched onto his face. Metastatic lung cancer was a bitch and he hated it. Hatred was a small word but it was all he could think of to describe his feelings towards the disease that was slowly leeching the life away from him.

Beep, beep, beep.

Where once he had been fit as a fiddle and strong as an ox, now he needed a walker to move and a nurse to help him out of bed. His skin, once a healthy shade of brown, was now much pale and thin as a sheet. His face was sallow, his hair was thin and still falling out, and he felt weaker than he ever had before.

Beep, beep, beep.

The four white walls of his room at the Lyle Lipton Cancer Laboratory were all he had known for the last two years or so now. He had counted every tile on the floor that he could see whenever he put his bed up, and he had long since stopped pretending that the swirling and warm colored ceiling was some alien world or even the ceiling of the UFS Yorkshire from Cosmic Frontier. He was tired of the same old room and of only seeing his family for a set amount of time before his body gave out and he needed to rest with a breathing mask.

A lot of things he’d gotten tired of since coming here, however.

He was tired of feeling weak, he was tired of feeling exhausted every day, and he was tired of the toll this was taking on his family.

They had uprooted their lives and moved halfway across the country, all so that he could get treatment at the shiniest and newest facility to hit the States at the hands of the eccentric but seemingly well-meaning billionaire known as Lyle Lipton, all because his darling daughter had written a letter to the Lyle Lipton foundation to get him treatment. Apparently, Mr. Lipton decided this would be a good use of resources, as he moved heaven and earth to show the whole world he was personally trying to save his life by any means necessary.

At first that had meant performing every test under the sun and filling him with more experimental drugs and medicines than he could even name. Machines that weren’t even outside of the testing labs were being brought in, drugs that were worth more than his old house were being pumped into his system, and by the time that even Mr. Lipton’s most desperate of PR officials was willing to throw in the towel alternative therapies were being used by… questionable doctors.

Eventually, the middle-aged man, and his equally eccentric partner Leonard Looperton, had come in, expressed their deepest condolences, and told them that the only thing left they could do was simply keep him as comfortable as possible… until the end.

He would say he was comfortable.

Oh, for sure, his waking life was a living hell of coughing up blood, weakness, and feeling his body die around him… but things could be worse.

“Go fish.”

He smiled behind the mask, at least he wasn't lonely.

His darling daughter Luz had a few cards in her hand and was staring at him curiously. The nine-year-old understood he was sick, extremely so, but he had insisted that he would get better… Back when he still believed he could get better. He was sure she still believed he would come home one day, just get up healthy as a horse and walk out without a care in the world.

Cam had tried to coax her slowly into the idea that… that he may not be coming back, but he could tell it wasn't sticking. She didn't want to believe, and so simply ignored it to focus on keeping him company while his wife watched over them both.

Camila was sitting in one of the guest chairs just staring at their little game with a bittersweet expression on her face. He knew how much the move was hard on her and Luz but she didn't complain once, not when his life was on the line. Though if he knew that there was nothing to be done in the end and they would have moved for nothing he probably would have simply stayed put where he was and not moved his family at all.

He could see the toll this was taking on them: He saw Camila had stopped straightening her hair and letting it curl or even frizz from worry, he saw the bags under her eyes, and he saw the tear tracks when she thought she had wiped them all away. Luz… Luz was young, but she knew he wasn’t getting any better and was growing more worried by the day. Cam hadn’t wanted him to know but had accidentally let slip that it was starting to affect her school life.

All this trouble… and he wasn't even going to be better at the end of it all.

No, he would have stayed put and saved them all the trouble. He missed his old bed, he missed his old coworkers, he missed the friends he had gone to High School and University with… he missed so many different things and none of it was his anymore. All because of this damn disease ravaging every part of his chest nowadays.

Still, he thought as he continued smiling at his precious daughter, being angry at the world was no reason to make his family worry. “Ah, dang it.” He chuckled before coughing near the end. She got up with a frown on her face but he waved her away

“Ah, don't mind me. Got a frog caught in my throat,” he chuckled, overjoyed to see his daughter smile. “I want to complete the game. I’m about to turn everything around.”

Luz blinked, looked at her small hand of four cards and then looked at the massive and ever growing hand he himself had. “Dad… I’m kind of kicking your butt right now.”

“I’ll turn it around next turn, just you wait.”

Luz giggled happily and asked him for a six. He made a big show of looking through each and every card, even though the aforementioned six was right there at the front of his hand, and made noises of confusion as he carefully and very slowly checked each one.

Cam rolled her eyes and he smiled. He still got it.

“Dad,” Luz whined and he smiled before gingerly picking the six and all its friends and placed them onto the table one by one. “Wow.” Luz said. “You kinda suck.”

He made a noise of faux-horror and placed a hand against his chest. “Camila!” He whined, a small cough trailing the end of his words. “Our daughter is bullying me!”

Camila had a faraway look in her eyes as she stared at the two of them, a gentle smile on her face as she looked caught between pain and happiness. That was about what she normally felt these days, however…

He sighed. Dying sucked.

He gently placed all his cards down and smiled at Luz, the breathing mask making his face hurt after so long but he had long since grown used to it. He felt tired: tired of being sick, of having to use a walker to get around…

Actually, he felt kind of tired in general.

'Probably time for a nap,' he thought with bitter resentment. He wanted to keep spending time with his family, not resting the small amount of life he had left away. Luz looked at him oddly, a bit of worry in her eyes as she shuffled her small hand of cards together again.

“Put the cards away, Luz,” he said gently, trying to keep the coughing under control as he rested. “I actually have something for you.”

She blinked at him and even Camila looked shocked as he weakly began to reach for the side table to open it before the IVs in his arm stopped him. He frowned and tried to tug on them, but she vaulted out of her chair and rushed over. “I got it, dad,” she said happily. A forced happiness, but a happiness all the same. “Don’t worry about… anything…”

She stared curiously at the book in the bedside table drawer with a little red bow on top of it. It was a hardcover book with a picture of a green-haired witch, her white robes shining bright beneath her wide brimmed hat as she held aloft an ivory staff and stared in determination at something beyond the cover. In reflective gold-colored print were the words The Good Witch Azura.

Luz turned the book over in her hand, staring curiously at them as he giggled to himself painfully. “Pretty cool, huh?”

Luz looked up at him and smiled gently. “Thanks dad, but… uh, I don't know what this is.”

“I… I saw an ad for the third one and decided that it would be a good way to spend my time, you know?” He smiled at her and explained, his chest feeling a lot tighter for some reason, “Asked one… of the nurses… for the book, and read it… in a single day.”

He had. He had devoured the new content like it was going out of style. It wasn’t his preferred style of literature, that being Sci-Fi, but he enjoyed it all the same simply because it broke up the monotony. He did, however, know someone who always enjoyed when he read her the Hobbit as a little tyke for bedtime… someone who might want a present for her birthday in a couple months that he might not be able to attend.

“It’s called the-” He sputtered as he was cut off by a violent cough, something wet coming with it this time, and, suddenly, he couldn't get a word out.

Luz finished for him, looking down at him with worry. “The Good Witch Azura. It looks… nice, dad.” She smiled at him and he tried to smile back. “Thanks.”

He nodded at her and rested his head against the admittedly very comfy pillow. “I… I want you to have it now, mija.”

She looked confused and he tried to get all the words out before another coughing fit interrupted him. “I… I don't know if I'll be able to attend your birthday, this place demands a lot out of you,” he said, wheezing. She was frowning now and opened her mouth so he rushed on. “I used the last of the Lipton Foundations check to buy that for you- consider it an early birthday present.”

“You can give it to me for my actual birthday,” Luz complained, the age-old argument resurfacing. “I know… I know everyone’s given up but I haven't! You’ll be fine, you’ll-” She sniffled and he felt his heart break.

She was crying now. He felt like a colossal jerk… Actually, he felt like a colossal jerk who had a killer headache.

Camila rushed over to hold their daughter, brushing her hair and making comforting hums as Luz struggled to talk through the tears. “You’ll be fine- and, and you’ll walk me down my Quincenera!” She was struggling now, tears going down her face.

She struggled out of Cam’s grip and breathed deeply before thrusting the book back towards him. “You can give me this on my actual birthday and we can read it together.”

He smiled… and with a gentle hand, pushed the book back towards her. A cough wracked his body but he persevered and did his duty.

“Please… mija, for me?”

She stared and, with puffy eyes, held the book close to her. “Fine,” she agreed, nodding at him, “But we’re reading it together! I won't open a page until my birthday and I can read to you just like the old days.” Cam was trying not to cry, her smile completely watery just as his was.

He smiled at her and opened his mouth to tell her how proud he was of her before another cough wracked his body. His vision went wavy and his chest felt like somebody had taken a pair of red-hot pokers to his whole torso.

“Dad?” Luz asked as blood started coming up in the face mask, the pain becoming unbearable. “Dad!?”

The machine next to him went crazy, a shrill noise emitting from it as the nurses and doctors that had been taking care of him rushed in and started ushering Camila and Luz out the door.

Camila was crying openly now, screaming… something. It was like she was trying to speak from across a great chasm as he couldn't hear a word. The coughing started to weaken, but so did the rest of him. He could feel his limbs first turning into lead weights and then lightening as if they weren’t there at all.

“Papa!” Luz cried.

His eyesight began to darken as his mind went a bit numb, the coughing continuing as he tried to look at Luz one last time before the door closed between them. ‘I love you,’ he mouthed to her one last time before the pain caused him to close his eyes.

Beep, beep, beep.

Things sort of continued for what felt like days… perhaps months or even years as he felt his body grow weaker and weaker, his mind numbing as the pain started to fade. He remembered the first Cosmic Frontier convention he ever went to, the sights and sounds of the massive hall as he nerded out like a champ.

Beep, beep, beep.

He had written a fanfic and had entered it alongside a bunch of others. He had been so sure he would win. Imagine his surprise when he had come in second and another newcomer to the convention had won the whole thing. He had gone to congratulate them when he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever met.

Beep, beep, beep.

She had been so gorgeous he had made a fool of himself… Oh, but she had enjoyed his dorkiness…

The pain was fading and he was smiling now as the memories all rushed in at once. His time as an ambulance driver, his time in college, his first time living on his own. Childhood troubles and adult struggles all gently flowed one after another as he lay there dreaming.

Beep… beep… beep…

This wasn't so bad… just remembering. He remembered the first time he ever read the Cosmic Frontier books, the first time he drove a car, his first date with Cam, their marriage, the first time he ever held Luz in his arms after she was born…

No, this wasn't bad at all.

Beep… beep…

The pain was gone but the weakness remained, his numbing mind shutting down as he breathed in… and out… in… and out… in…

And out.

Beeeee-

**********

The pain was gone, so was the numbness. Actually, Manny kind of felt fine.

That was surprising since he was pretty sure he just died. Maybe this was what happened when you died; pain, lots of it, and then basically feeling like a normal person again? He didn't mind that at all.

He flexed his toes and wriggled his fingers. He started moving his arms every which way and bending his knees as he tried to take stock of his body.

He took a deep breath and was surprised both at the fact he took a breath at all and the fact that there was no pain: no wracking coughs, no blood in his throat, and no need to wheeze at all. His body felt fine… actually, he felt like he had never been in the hospital at all.

He was standing on something incredibly soft, almost like a shag carpet and yet also like grass… and also sand. It was a weird sensation and yet not at all unpleasant. It was actually quite nice. The air all around him was actually quite chilly but not cold. Just how he liked it.

Actually, that didn't quite cover it. The air was the exact perfect temperature for him. It was never perfect like this… always too hot, too cold, too humid, too dry… and yet here it was the perfect blend of everything

So, he was outside, standing on a sandy and grassy shag carpet in a place with an absolutely perfect temperature… that wasn't at all what he imagined death would be like.

Before he could do anything else, the most amazing of things happened: a voice, the actual voice of another person, called out to him. “So… are you just going to stand around all eternity in the entryway?”

“I mean, it’s perfectly fine if you do. It’s your eternity after all and I could use the company but, you know, you haven’t even seen anything else we have to offer,” the voice continued, as he finally forced himself to open his eyes.

Blinding light greeted him, and he squinted a bit before his eyes seemed to adjust to the glare almost too quickly and he saw…

Golden Gates. Each inch of them had been shined to absolute perfection and reflected the light all around it perfectly. It seemed to stretch on into infinity on either side, as he could see no end to it, while a pair of glowing golden eyes stared into his soul from above the gates. Fluffy clouds that seemed to come in every shape and size rolled past him and above him, broken by beams of golden light that shone down all around from above them. It was a warm and comforting light, like a blanket that wrapped around just him.

There was a little silver podium in front of the gates to the side where a skinny white guy was smiling at him. His golden hair was perfectly coiffed and styled, and his baby blue robes somehow matched perfectly with his pristine pale wings, which were ringed with blue. A white halo floated above his head. The man smiled at him and even his teeth were shining.

“Am I…?” he breathed, the halo and the clouds sort of gave it away. Still, he had dreamed of something like this happening as the cancer got worse. “Am I dreaming?”

The man chuckled awkwardly and scratched the side of his head. “Ah, I always hate it when they think it’s a dream,” he muttered under his breath, still loud enough for Manny to hear however. The man clapped his hands together and gently began to fly over the podium till he was right before him. “So-” the mystery man began gently. “I might have some good news… and some bad news for you.”

He blinked, and then asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The mystery man smiled as gently as he could and softly stated, “I’m afraid you might have passed away while on Earth, my friend.” The man winced and seemed to wait in anticipation of something.

Passed away.

He was dead.

He had died.

His life was over.

He laughed, and was amazed at how utterly without pain or discomfort his chest was. He laughed, his voice pitching like a hyena’s as he fell to the ground and began to cry as he cackled.

A gentle hand rubbed his back as he openly sobbed now, crying like a newborn. He was dead. He had died! How was he supposed to live with that knowledge?

Simple, his mind supplied him through the hysteria. You don't.

“Hey now, it’s not so bad,” the mystery man said gently, still rubbing his back. “Would it help if I told you the good news?”

“What good news could there possibly be!?” Manny cried out hysterically.

In response, the blue-robed mystery man snapped his fingers and the pristine white halo above his head shone like a beacon, a beaming smile appearing across his face as he took off like a beacon to the top of the golden gates.

“Manny Noceda, Son of Hugo and Maria,” the man announced, as he grinned happily down at Manny and as, slowly, the golden gates began to open as happy music rang out from… somewhere. “It is my utmost pleasure to say unto thee-”

The gates opened and he felt his jaw drop wide open. A shining city of gleaming lights and pristine metal that glowed like the sun far above them. Tall skyscrapers that were, amazingly, all designed to be absolutely pleasing to the eye rose up from streets paved with gold brick. The smell of his mother’s old grilled papaya was in the air… he had missed that smell.

The man- no, Saint Peter smiled down at him and spoke the words that he had never really expected to hear, “Welcome to Heaven!”

Manny Noceda had never before felt more out of his depth than right here at this very moment. “Heaven is real?”

“Well sure it is, buddy!” Saint Peter exclaimed as he flew down and rested an arm over his shoulder. “What, you thought you were going to church every Sunday for no reason?”

He awkwardly scratched the side of his cheek. Okay, that was fair… but even when Lyle and Leopold told him that there was nothing else their doctors could do, he never quite gave any thought about what would happen afterwards. Sure, he was a devout Catholic, his whole family was, but that didn't mean- didn't mean he gave any thought to the Eternal Reward.

St. Peter smiled gently at him and started leading him towards the open gates. “I know it’s… a lot to take in.” He chuckled warmly to himself as he spoke, confessing, “Lord knows I was pretty shocked when I passed and found Heaven laid before me.”

“But I want you to listen to me very carefully,” St. Peter said, grabbing him by the shoulders and looking into his eyes. “You deserve this. You’ve earned the reward and now get to enjoy paradise with all the other winners at life! You, Manny Noceda, are a winner and nobody can take that away from you.”

He breathed in the smell of his old family kitchen and took a step beyond the gate.

Many things happened all at once.

The first thing that happened is that his vision lit up like somebody had placed a candle above his head, causing him to reach up to feel a shiny halo appear above him. Meanwhile, he felt a twinge of movement as if his arms moved as a puff of feathers came from behind him and two truly massive wings appeared to hug him like a blanket.

Also, the noise hit him finally. Usually, he found cities to be quite unpleasantly noisy but this… this was tolerable. In fact, he would even go so far as to say the noise levels were perfect for him. “Is everything here supposed to be perfect?” he muttered aloud.

“It sure is, buddy!” sang a new voice. Manny jumped as what looked to be a three-foot-tall stuffed toy lion appeared in front of him. Small little wings like that of a baby bird were sticking out of his back and he had on a pale purple suit that fit him quite well. His head was like that of a cartoon character: soft and huggable with big, friendly eyes and a happy smile.

“Hi there, you must be Manny!” the, quite frankly, adorable lion said as he stuck out his paw and smiled at Manny. “My name is Beau and I’ll be your therapy cherub for as long as you need!”

He blinked, looking back to Saint Peter who even now made shooing motions towards him. The winged guardian of the gates of Paradise began, saying, “He’s going to go give you your heavenly orientation and show you to your new home-”

“I already have a house here?” Manny interrupted, shocked.

“-and I’ll, you guessed it, get back to my absolutely infinite and unending task of welcoming every last soul that has ever gotten into heaven into the Golden Gates,” Saint Peter finished, seeming to twitch for a moment before turning and flying back towards the podium even as he now saw a quite long line of shadowy figures waiting to materialize right behind where he was having his freak out. The shadow right at the front materialized into a rather old looking lady with a hunched back.

“Ah, Margaret, right on time!” Saint Peter said happily as the gates closed behind him, leaving him and the Cherub Beau.

Beau smiled up at him, happy and patient as can be.

“So-” Manny murmured. He didn't really know what to do now. What do you do when you find out that Heaven is real and also that you ended up there? He awkwardly shuffled about and looked at all the gleaming and friendly architecture before turning back to the patiently waiting cherub. He asked, “Heaven, huh? What’s that like?”

He wanted to slap himself in the head. He thought to himself, What a stupid question… Beau chuckled warmly and grabbed ahold of his hand in a gentle paw before leading him down one of the golden bricked roads.

“Heaven is great!” Beau said happily. “There’s always something to do, and a new place to explore since it’s infinite. You want to climb mountains made of crystal? We can do that. You want to read books lost to time? We can do that too. It’s the eternal reward by the will of Him On High.”

Manny looked up at the lights shining down from above, warm and comforting like a blanket and hot mug after a long day, and sighed deeply in contentment. “I guess the lights are Him, then?” he inquired.

Beau made an odd noise with his mouth and seemed to choose his words carefully. “The lights are the warmth of His love, yes indeedy.” Before Manny could ask any follow up questions, Beau grabbed ahold of his hand like a child wanting to cross the street and began to tug him down one of the many golden-bricked roads. “Now come on, there’s so much to see!” he implored Manny.

Manny laughed as he let the small lion lead him past shop after shop of every sort of comfort food imaginable. Churros, burgers and fries, ice-cream sundae- each and every one promised that they were fat and cholesterol free ‘since eternity.’ He must have had a curious look on his face because Beau smiled and flapped his small wings to begin hovering at head height.

“All food here is free of all the downsides of the Earthly World,” the cherub said as he led him into a truly cozy feeling shop filled with the smell of baking cinnamon. A small team of other Cherubim, each and every one of them different from each other and yet all of them small and toy-like, were working away at a leisurely pace to make ice-cream sundaes for the hungry customers in line. Beau explained, “You can eat yourself stupid and never get fat- it’s supposed to be paradise, not… the other place.”

“Okay,” Manny muttered, a little overwhelmed by everything but willing to give it a shot. “So if I just buy a whole gallon of ice cream and eat it in one sitting I won’t get a brain-freeze?” he asked.

Beau looked confused. Quizzically, he chirruped, “What’s a brain-freeze?”

Well, that answered that question.

“Hi, welcome to Dixie’s Parlor!” enthused the small floating elephant, using its ears to keep aloft as it worked on many different tasks with both its trunk and its hands as he got up to the counter. “Owned and operated by my family for at least seventeen generations!”

Manny’s jaw dropped. “How on earth do you keep an ice cream parlor for seventeen generations!?” he blurted.

The elephant who must have been Dixie, and a few of the listening Cherubim behind her, all chuckled to themselves. “Because, ya silly goose, this isn’t earth!” they answered, in unison.

He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “I’m… ah, new here so-” he stumbled out, haltingly.

Dixie gasped, her elephantine hands flying to her mouth in shock. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” she said, guilt leaking out of her every word. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to-”

He never did well with crying people… or crying flying elephants for that matter. “No, no, no! It’s okay!” he spoke, waving his hands in desperation, panic in his voice. “I’m, I’m not offended I promise.”

Dixie sniffled, looking like she was about to cry. “You… you promise?” she whimpered.

Great, his first day in Heaven and he already made someone cry. He was going to get thrown out before the week was out at this rate. “I promise,” he said with as much determination as he could put into his voice.

Dixie sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. “Sorry,” she said glumly as her trunk continued to make ice cream bowl after ice cream bowl. “I’m just- Cherubim exist to serve winners, so if we fail to do that… well, you know?”

He didn't, but he really didn't want to make her cry again so he nodded. He wasn’t the best with people, never had been. He knew he was awkward and a bit nerdy in the eyes of some people: honestly, Cam had been the more approachable of the two because he was prone to go off on tangents about whatever was on his mind or a book he had read recently.

Off-putting, that was it. He was a bit off-putting. How he landed a literal goddess like Cam was beyond him… He paused, considered his last thought, and waited for a bolt of lightning to strike him down for blasphemy now that he was in God’s domain.

None arrived.

He smiled gently at the now-calm Dixie and ordered two sundaes to go.

**********

The sundaes were, obviously, delicious.

He chowed down on the delicious ice cream goodness as Beau ate his own, the two walking down a not-so-busy street and passing by many different signs and posters for anything and everything.

It really was Heaven.

He was in awe of the shining and completely clean skyscrapers all around them, each one designed to be absolutely pleasing to the eye. Motivational posters and billboards were plastered everywhere, each one saying an uplifting phrase or saying, and everywhere people of all shapes and sizes walked or flew.

Angels, it seemed, were as diverse as the aliens on the UFS Yorkshire. He saw Gator men with wings for arms talking to supermodels with halos made of eyes, swords, candles, fire… you name it, the halos came in it. Manny saw a man who had eight great wings all wrapped around him like a fluffy coat walk down the street while dogs with little halos and wings yipped happily all around him.

A… thing with two concentric rings made of eyeballs instead of a head was sipping at a cup of tea, somehow, with a bird person with six mighty wings. The two waved to him happily as they caught him staring.

“Heaven is very… diverse,” he uttered, awestruck, looking at the many strange characters having what looked to be a dance party in the middle of the street. Did that spider girl have four legs? That was pretty cool.

Beau finished his ice cream quickly and flew up and around Manny like a pet bird. “Oh, that’s because everyone gets to choose how they look up here for the first few days,” the Cherub explained.

He blinked. “Pardon?”

Beau smiled warmly as he swam through the air around him. “Well,” he explained. “Unlike downstairs, here you get a few days to settle things appearance-wise to your liking. Now, natural born angels have basic forms and true forms. But Winners? Winners get to pick and choose at will till they’re happy-”

Manny stopped listening around the same time he shrank several feet back into the body of his ten-year-old self. He looked at the baggy robes and smiled like a crazy person. “Ahahaha! It works!” he gleefully exclaimed.

He then rocketed back up and rushed over to the nearest reflective surface. He beamed happily as he saw he had turned into the body he had before the disease began to ravage him from the inside out. Tall, broad-shouldered, bushy beard and thick and curly hair. His skin was a healthy cocoa and his eyes didn't have the sheen of sickness on them

He fell to the ground laughing in pure glee, only to wince as he landed on his new wings. He should really do something… about… his wings…

He had wings.

It truly struck him in that moment that he had wings, he turned his head and looked at the massive, fluffy things as they twitched and moved at his command. Slowly, a child-like smile of pure happiness began to spread across his face as his wings began to slowly unfurl.

“Now, ah, Manny,” Beau said worriedly. “I think maybe you should walk before you run… or at least try hovering before you-”

Manny launched himself into the air and began to flap his wings like crazy, laughing as he soared higher and higher. He passed different layers of clouds, each one having its own districts and cities on them as he soared like an eagle. He felt free as a bird as he soared around, flying and turning clouds into funny shapes with his wings as he did so.

This… This was true freedom.

He had always wanted to fly like Superman did in the comics, his obsession leading him to almost launch himself off the roof of his modest one-story childhood home in Florida with a home-made pair of wings before his mama found him and screamed at him to get down. But ever since then he had always wanted to do so.

He had planned on getting his pilot’s license so he could join the helicopter program at the hospital, to go about and rescue people and transfer them to wherever they needed to go in what was basically a sky ambulance. And yet the disease had taken that away from him.

Now, as he soared like an eagle through the pristine white heavens, he realized that he was truly happy for the first time since he had been diagnosed.

'This really is Heaven,' he thought to himself as he slowly began to angle himself downwards towards the grounds below. He had always wanted to do this.

He rapidly approached the ground and he angled himself just so, so that when he landed-

He hit the ground hard, his wings spreading feathers and glitter all around as he landed on one knee with his fist going into the ground. If Cam could only see me now, he thought happily.

“Wow, when I asked for somebody to play ‘It’s raining men.’ I didn't think it would be so literal,” a smooth voice said from beside him and he looked around. He had landed in the middle of what looked to be a dance party, everyone now staring at him oddly but not unkindly. The person who spoke was a muscle-bound jock, a thin black tank-top and slim jeans the only thing he was wearing alongside his slick backed hair.

“I think it was super cool how you landed all awesomely!” a cheerful voice beamed from next to him and he beheld the same four-legged spider girl from before, her fluffy body a bit poofed out from his landing as she stared at him transfixed. “You were like that action-comics guy, Ultraman or whatever!”

“Molly, we have got to get you learnt about comic books,” the muscle-bound jock said playfully as the aforementioned ‘Molly’ punched his shoulder mockingly.

“Sorry, I’m… ah new here,” Manny explained, flexing his wings as he got up from his landing and began to stretch. “I only just realized I have wings so I-”

“Say no more, handsome,” the jock said with a wink. “I remember the first time I realized I could take off… It’s all good.” He shot out a hand and smiled, stating, “Alexander. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Manny.” He shook his hand and smiled bashfully. “I’m… ah, married but flattered.”

“Dang,” Alexander said before brightening. “Well, maybe we could still be friends?”

“Alex, you just met the man. Calm down,” Molly said as she reached out to shake his hand around the same time Beau flew down in a panic.

“You’re okay!” the Cherub shouted, panicked, his voice relieved but stressed out. “I mean… of course you’re okay, it’s Heaven.” The cherub awkwardly scratched the back of his head and smiled bashfully. “I… guess I didn't have to worry about you?”

“I’m grateful you did worry, to be honest,” Manny explained as he walked over to the cherub, his wings now receding so they didn't hit anyone. “But yeah- I needed to fly.”

“Everyone should fly, to be honest,” Molly chirped from beside him, poking around his left wing to peer at the cherub. “Huh, you really are new if you still have a therapy cherub.”

“Leave him alone, Mol,” Alex spoke up from behind him. “Man could just like cherubs, you never know.”

Molly acquiesced with a smile as she rocked back and forth on her four heels. She said, “Soo… if you ever want some cool buddies to hang with, me and my bestie are usually here most days-”

“Every day is dance day,” Alex said with a nod, crossing his muscular arms and tapping his foot to the continuing beat.

“-so if you wanna just hang out we can,” Molly said brightly and he chuckled warmly.

“Sure,” Manny said, honestly flattered that he was being invited to parties- and all it took was him actually dying. “I’d love to actually party once in my life… er, un-life I guess.”

“Great!” Molly cheered and immediately waved a hand through the air, the loud-but-not-too-loud music picking back up as everyone began to dance and enjoy themselves once more.

He was happy, not even a day after dying and he had made friends-

“God damn, that guy was hot!” he overheard Alex exclaim.

“I know, right?” Molly responded.

He winced. They’d get over that eventually.

“Alrighty,” Beau said with a pained smile, clearly sensing his odd mood. “Before you give me a heart attack… let’s get you to your new home.”

**********

The house was made of gold. Because of course it was.

It was a two story thing that looked ritzier than anywhere he had ever lived in his life. To be fair, though, all the houses on this street looked ritzy and glamorous.

Actually, every house and building they had passed looked ritzy and glamorous.

It was a two story and quite wide place with shimmering, stained-glass windows and a front door that looked carved from a mighty oak. A few columns stood tall and proud along the walkway to the front door and the roof shimmered like a diamond.

It looked like it cost as much as the entire town of Gravesfield in totality.

“Behold: Casa de la Noceda!” Beau uttered happily, as the lion Cherub spread his arms wide and showed off the ritzy house. “Four bedrooms, three baths, a pool, a hot-tub, an indoor garage for all of your vehicular needs… It’s got it all!” he proclaimed.

Manny just blinked owlishly at the house, his jaw somewhere on the floor as he realized this was his new house… forever, maybe.

“I-” he began, stutteringly. What does he say to this? What can he say?

Beau began to tug on his arm and together they entered the doorway.

Surprisingly, the inside of the house was not made of gold.

It was a warm mahogany painted with summer colors, the walkway laminated tile carved to resemble trees. The railing was real wood, so was everything else. It looked… it looked like the house Manny had had before… everything.

It reminded him of home… except now he quite literally could never return there. And this was the final proof of that.

Beau was rambling about something. He could barely hear him over the sound of his own swirling thoughts as he stared at the pictures on the wall. They had managed to capture every picture he had of his family from earth and replicate them here.

He felt his throat seize.

“-don't have to worry about anything, because there's an herb garden in the back for… uh,” Beau stammered off, looking awkward as he turned to look at Manny, seeing he was now visibly a bit distressed. “Are you, okay?”

“I-” he choked as he looked at the pictures on the wall and Beau made a noise of understanding. Slowly, the lion Cherub floated over and hugged Manny tight, his wooly mane tickling the underside of his face as the Cherub began to purr.

He grabbed hold of the lion and began to sob.

He had lost everything.

He was dead and it would be decades, if not a century, before he saw his family ever again.

Camila was back on earth, grieving and in pain, and there was nothing he could do.

Luz was back on earth, lost and confused and so utterly hurt, and there was nothing he could do.

He was dead. He had died. What could he even do about that?

“I know it’s hard,” Beau rumbled from his chest, the lion Cherub holding the weeping man gently. “I- I know that nothing I can say will ease the pain right now, but I want you to know I will always be here for you, Manny Noceda.”

Manny smiled and hugged the lion tighter, his arms shaking as he sobbed for all he had lost. Together, as the lion cherub began to soothingly run his back and purr comfortingly as they stayed in the entryway for some time, the two simply grieved.

Notes:

So, we got another Helluva Boss episode while i was off. And boy howdy was it a doozy. More Verosika lore (and the reason they broke up only adds fuel to my stupid headcanon that she's secretly a giant romantic sap) Marthberry (which i didnt know how to feel about considering their personal history but im coming around to actually) and also PAIN! SO MUCH PAIN! BLITZ IS ACTUALLY STARTING HIS PATH TO GETTING BETTER BUT STOLITZ IS CURRENTLY DEAD AS HELL BOYO!!!!!!!!! I dont really blame Stolas for hooking up with a random incubus because A. Blitz did the same during Beelz's party, and B. Blitz needs to work on himself before he's at all healthy enough to try his hand again at a relationship.
But GOD I WANT THEM TO JUST TALK AND WORK THINGS OUT AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Manny. I hope by the end of this you all think i did both him and Heaven justice.
Next Chapter: Eternity is long, how will Manny spend it?

Chapter 32: Welcome to Eternity, Manny Noceda

Summary:

Eternity is long, how will Manny spend it?

Notes:

I thought by this point i would have two different spin offs made by now and yet here we are, no spin offs made. They just dont want to be written it seems but i will persevere. CHERUB Vs the Boiling Isles will absolutely be out soon or i will die trying.
Anyway, i am blown away by the response to last chapter, thank you all for being with me on this brief detour to see how the other half lives. Manny is an interesting character to write about since so little is known about him and yet i hope i did him justice, as well as Heaven itself.
Anyway, I drop some more worldbuilding, lore, and head-canons this chapter so please enjoy responsibly

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Manny was living the high life.

It was easy to do, since everything in Heaven seemed tailor made to making sure you had a good time.

“Geronimo!” Alexander Smith, the muscle-bound jock who he had befriended for lack of knowing anyone else, was soaring through the air like a bullet. Wind whipped through all their hair and made Alex’s short style slick back even further as he fell to the ground without a care in the world.

Molly Di Martello, permanent party girl and eternal New Yorker, was cheering wildly as she pinwheeled through the air like a millstone. The spider-like winner kept trying to flap her arms to go faster as she fell towards the long distant ground that was rapidly approaching.

As for himself? He was laughing like a loon as he and his new friends skydived.

It was fun, just doing things for the sake of doing things that he had never had a chance to do in life. First his lack of anything resembling wealth, then college, then the sickness… he had little chance to just go out and do things for the sake of doing them and he was making up for it big time by crossing items off his bucket list he hadn't been able to cross off in life.

Skydiving? Well, what could he say but yes?

He laughed as he swayed his body back and forth till he was spinning as much as Molly was, Alex laughing at the both of them as they approached the ground rapidly. An endless sea of clouds passed them by, fluffy as wool and as white as fresh milk, as they rapidly approached the earth below them.

Or at least, the closest approximation to earth that angels could make.

“Faster, faster, faster!” Molly cried out with glee as she somehow sped up and surpassed them both, her fuzzy body darting down like a cannonball.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of weightlessness that surrounded him, nothing but rushing air and whipping winds all around as he felt like he was floating on nothing at all. It was a particular feeling, having nothing to tether you to the ground and closing the distance to reach it.

It was also exhilarating.

He opened his eyes, saw that he had passed the lowest cloud layer, and immediately brought out the Official Cosmic Frontier Hoverboard that he had dreamed of for years and years. With a smile and a simple press of his foot, he activated the board and began to surf the air like Captain Avery.

This, he decided, was the life.

**********

“Folks, here we are at Dixie’s parlor and Alexander Smith is about to break the world record- how much triple fudge chocolate ice cream can he eat before he explodes?” Molly spoke into a fake microphone as she stared with utmost seriousness at Alex, who was scarfing down chocolate after chocolate bowls of ice cream.

“It’s utterly revolting… and yet I can't look away.” He was transfixed, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight as the Jersey Winner scarfed down ice cream after ice cream without stopping for breath. It was something Luz had tried to do once with a simple three ice creams when she was younger, only stopping when her head froze up and she started complaining.

He and Cam had laughed before helping her out… he missed them so much…

He blinked, frowned, and shook his head. Beau had told him to focus on what he can change rather than what he can’t- and the fact his family was decades away from joining him was something he couldn't change at all.

It was also recommended by the little lion cherub that he find fun activities to fill his days with so that he could make friends and be sociable. Nothing was worse for getting lost in your own head than isolation, after all.

And so, he found the two winners he had crashed into his first day, and they hung out as much as possible.

“Manny doesn't believe in you, Alex!” Molly joked, her voice light and airy. “But I do- you’re almost there!”

“Seriously, this can’t be healthy.” He muttered with fascination as the cherubs brought more ice cream to the Jersey Winner.

“Oh, it’s perfectly fine.” Dixie replied, carrying the last few bowls with her trunk as she waved a hand at him. “Nobody knows what this ‘brainfreeze’ thing you keep talking about is so it must not affect anyone up here!”

“Neither does the limitations of human biology, apparently.” He muttered as Alex slammed a final bowl down and cheered, both the angelic customers and cherubic servers all cheered in exaltation as Dixie brought out a small paper crown to place on top of Alex’s head.

“Congrats on winning the challenge, you are now the King of Ice Cream.” Dixie said happily as Alex grinned.

“Bow before me, mortals!” Alex cried out and he rolled his eyes and did just that to the muscle-bound jock.

**********

Summer, it turned out, was whenever you wanted it to be up here.

“Alright, the brats are smoking, and we have a whole hog in the back that Beau and his friends are working on.” He said happily, working a truly spectacular smoker that looked ripped straight from the BBQ competition circuits. “Molly, you want your steak done medium-well?”

“You better believe I want it medium, Manny!” Molly called out from the massive inflatable turtle she was reclining on, the pool floaty gently bobbing in the water as she sipped at a nice margarita.

Alex and his new boyfriend Julio were currently playing a game of volleyball with a few of his own neighbors he’d invited for lack of knowing anyone else. He wanted to invite the cherubs as guests, but they got weirded out at the idea of just sitting around being waited on by a winner. So finally, he caved and said Beau and his friends could come so long as they worked on the ‘cue with him.

“It’s almost ready, Mr. Noceda.” Alex’s own therapy cherub, a purple lamb that he just wanted to sit down and run his fingers through the truly fluffy wool of, looked skittish but happy with his hands covered in spices and sauce.

He grinned at the little lamb cherub. “That’s awesome, Collin! Go tell the others that the food is almost done.”

The lamb saluted and he flew off to begin informing everyone that the lunch/dinner combo was almost complete.

He smiled; he had always loved holding parties. It made him feel… complete to know that people were enjoying his hospitality. He and Cam used to throw amazing block parties… they had such big plans to throw even more parties after Luz was born…

A sizzle sounded out and he looked to see a tear had fallen on the steak, tracking spice as it sizzled away into nothingness. He rubbed at his eyes furiously and yet, apparently, he didn't cover himself well enough because Beau, ever dependable Beau, could be felt coming in for a hug.

The lion was good at hugs.

He smiled as he rubbed the mane of the little therapy cherub, smothering bad thoughts just as much as he smothered the meats on the grill.

**********

He tapped his glass of wine and considered his afterlife.

He’d been here… goodness, it was hard to tell considering the weather was whatever you personally wanted it to be. Maybe two or three years now he’d been dead, and his afterlife was fine.

It was fine. He was fine.

“Foods ready, everyone!” Alex announced as he carried a delicious smelling dish over to the two of them. Julio and he were cute together and yet it somehow never cut into the three amigo’s time to hang out. He was grateful his friends still wanted to spend time with him even when his mood darkened.

Which it didn’t, because things were fine.

“Is that an Eggplant Parmesan?” Molly asked suspiciously as she eyed the food like it had personally offended her. He’d met her mother once, having them all over for dinner more than a few times as Maria Di Martello apparently made enough food to feed an army.

“Yeah?” Alex sounded confused as he looked between the dish and Molly. “What’s wrong with it?”

“I’m Italian.” Molly said, stabbing one of the parm’s and crunching it like a professional food critic. “My mom makes the best Italian in Heaven whenever I’m over.” She closed her eyes and continued chewing before staring at Alex. “It’s… okay.”

“Okay?” The jock looked a bit annoyed as he gestured at the food. “I spent an hour working on this and it’s just ‘ okay? ’”

“Again, I’m Italian. You’re lucky I said it was passable at all considering the last time you cooked, Heaven had to invent a fire department.”

“Right, says the girl whose mom once called her completely and utterly useless in the kitchen.” Alex grinned and crossed his arms defiantly as he raised an eyebrow at her.

Molly smirked impishly and began needling him playfully, the two falling into a familiar routine as they bickered.

Personally, he was just happy to get food.

Heaven was… nice. It was nice, that was his final thought. He spent his days doing nothing but enjoying himself and he was fine. He didn't do anything but write fanfiction of Cosmic Frontier, hang out with his new friends, and just enjoy life to the fullest. He was fine.

Things were fine.

He put the fork down with a sigh as he slumped in his chair, the two bickering winners stopping their play-fight to look at him with worry. “Manny?” Alex asked, his voice concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m bored.” There, he said it, it was all out in the open.

He was soul-shatteringly, heartbreakingly bored.

He had always liked working with people and being active, going out to work with his hands on whatever project needed doing. He liked getting dirty and working up a sweat as he made life better for others. He had thrown himself into being an ambulance driver because the work had truly made him smile, knowing he was helping people.

And now there was nothing to do anymore… and he was bored.

“Manny… this is Heaven.” Alex explained quietly. “Just, you know, go find something to do. Like rock climbing, you wanna go rock climbing with me and Julio later?”

“Molly took us rock climbing three weeks ago.” Alex winced at his statement and tried for a saving throw.

“Right… but what about without harnesses?”

He stared at the Jersey boy insult he slumped in his chair in defeat. “Yeah, okay. I hear you.”

“Personally, I don't get what the big deal is.” Molly slurped away at the bubbly soda she had with her and looked at him funny. “You did good work on earth and now you get to relax for once in your life. Most people would call that a win.”

“I’m not most people.” Molly and Alex rolled their eyes and he simply sighed. “I’m… actually thinking of getting a job.”

They both stared at him like he had grown a second head. Molly co*cking her fluffy head to the side and Alex raising an eyebrow.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve never… I can't just wait for my daughter and wife to show up- that’ll take forever and a half.” And if they showed up before they died of old age, he would probably do something that got him kicked out of Heaven. “I need something to take my mind off of things.”

Now, finally, they looked understandingly at him, Alex nodding his head sadly while Molly had a faraway look in her eyes. Alex and him looked at her in a bit of worry since long silences were not her preferred style.

“When I was… when I first got here, I waited and waited for my brother Anthony to show up.” Molly said quietly. “He was my twin… he was my best friend too. I waited so long that St. Peter was forced to come in and tell me that… that…” She sighed and slumped in her chair, a sad look on her face. “That he died a long time ago… and didn't make it in.” She rubbed at her eyes and smiled. "We have a small shrine to him at Mom's house up here... it's all we can do to remember him by."

“I died before my parents did.” Alex said softly, reaching out to grab ahold of one of Molly’s hands. “It was a car accident… I get it, Manny. I really do.”

Well, he would be a right bastard if he didn't share his own grief after that. “I spent so long in a hospital bed due to cancer… if I spend any more time still as can be, I’ll go crazy.”

The three of them sat in companionable, if grieving, silence.

“That’s it!” Molly rocketed to her feet and plastered a wide smile on her face. “No more frowns because I know what we’re going to do today!” She reached out to grab ahold of their shirts and yanked the two of them out of their chairs and towards the door. “We’re all going to get jobs and be happy friends forever!”

“Wait, hold on-” Alex tried to get out as Molly dragged them along like purse dogs.

“I didn’t even think of seeing if you two wanted to get a job with me.” He chuckled nervously as he used his wings as a cushion beneath him. “It would be really swell if you two joined me.”

“That’s the spirit!” Molly shouted as she kicked the door down and dragged them out of the house.

“But my Eggplant!” Alex cried out as they were dragged down the streets of Heaven.

**********

The shining lights and shinier architecture were a familiar sight to him now that he had spent so much time in Heaven. New buildings rose and fell like clockwork as winners got bored and moved on to new things, making sure that the cherubs who maintained Heaven were never out of a job.

He still felt absolutely amazed by the fact that Heaven was both nothing like what the Bible said, and everything it promised and more. It was so modern and clean, like New York without the grime. He said as much to Molly who laughed and punched him in the shoulder.

“You shoulda seen the big apple back in my time. Newfangled skyscrapers everywhere, some wackjob named Lucky muscling in on our family's turf, no world wars at all…” Molly sighed in nostalgic pleasure. “Ah, those were the days.”

Okay, this was new. “You knew Lucky Luciano?”

She blew a raspberry. “Not personally. Dad ranted and raved about how he was some bigshot who didn't respect the Di Martello family at all, we were the big shots of New York until he came around and started forcing us out.” She laughed heartily, “Anything that pissed dad off made me happy, so I was a big fan.”

…okay, he was hanging out with a Mafia princess in the halls of Heaven. His afterlife had gotten quite crazy, it seemed.

“You ever think about what happened to the Di Martello's?” Alex asked curiously and she waved a hand through the air.

“Don't need to.” She smiled at the two of them and slung an arm over each of their shoulders. “The Office of the Joybringer sometimes gives you an update on your earthly descendants and family. Apparently after everyone died my uncle took over and turned the restaurant dad was using as a tax shelter into a legitimate business.” She smirked at them. “Oh, I bet daddy is rolling over in whatever unmarked grave he was buried in…”

“Wait, wait, hold on.” He would focus on grilling her about her Mafia family later, there was an altogether more important detail he was focusing on. “We can talk to our loved ones?”

“Eh…” Alex shrugged and looked away towards one of the rooftop clubs of Heaven with a wistful expression. “Not really, it's more like… you can hire a CHERUB squad to give out a blessing to your loved ones and that's about it.”

“But if Emily the Joybringer likes you, then she'll use the great orb of scrying to look at what everyone's doing after you passed on.” Molly began to lift herself up using their shoulders and swaying back and forth like a swing between them. “So… kinda? But not really?”

He laughed to himself, his wings reappearing in a puff of feathers as he began to take off and do loops through the air, Molly falling to the ground with a wince. “I can see my family again!”

“Again, not really… but you go, champ.” Alex gave him a thumbs up as he landed, and Molly sniffed disdainfully at him. He smiled gratefully at her till she broke and started laughing.

“Okay, we can visit the Joybringer once we have a job.” Molly began to lead them towards the main part of the city, a massive square with floating fountains and dancing statues as people walked underneath rainbows cast by the spraying water. “There's always a Heavenly agency trying to recruit the bored and restless around here so we can find what we want to.”

Indeed, there were. His mind boggled at the sight of so many booths and recruitment agencies all around the square, each with lines of angels in front of them just patiently waiting to talk to the people in front. Only two booths didn't have anyone in front of them and Molly dragged them to the first one.

“Hello there!” The happy sounding, but tired looking angel behind the booth said as he waved his hand at them. He had a hard-hat and a vest on while a team of cherubs worked on building small replicas of towers and homes behind him. “Would you like to take a moment to learn about the heavenly construction corps-”

“Pass.” Molly and Alex said at the same time before wandering off, he gave the obviously overworked angels a regretful smile and hurried off after his friends.

“You know, you could have let him down gently.” He chided, to which Alex looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You mean to tell me you would have been interested?” The Jersey jock asked.

He laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of his head. “Well… No…”

Alex nodded and together the three of them moved on, Molly humming a show tune as she shimmied her way forward. They went to a booth manned by black-clad angels with dark wings fluttering all about.

One of the angels, a bottle blond with her long hair tied in a braid, smiled like a cat as they all approached. “Well, well, well. Looks like it’s my lucky day… come here often, Handsome?”

Before he could, again, turn someone down politely but firmly Alex stepped up and began flexing exaggeratedly. “Sorry Ma’am, but these muscles are for men only.”

He smiled gratefully and Alex nodded with a wink and a smile of his own.

“Urgh,” The blonde looked annoyed but rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t talking to- whatever, forget about it.” She sighed and plastered an obviously fake smile on her face. “What can we Exorcists of the Holy Legions do for you today?”

Before either Alex or he could say anything, Molly rushed before them and excitedly began to jabber. “Well, we got bored and wanted something to do with our afterlives since simply waiting around and doing nothing is lame, so we decided to follow Manny into getting a job but the only other one without an impossibly long line in front of it is the construction corps and that's boring so we-”

The aforementioned Exorcist reached out and placed a hand over Molly’s mouth, a twitch in her eye as she breathed in and out. “Alright.” She stressed. “Start again, but slower.”

“We want to see what joining the Exorcists would entail and if we could maybe do a trial run or something.” He explained and the blonde blinked owlishly at him before falling over laughing. It quickly got awkward just from how long and how hard the Exorcist was laughing, to the point that another Exorcist came over and punched her in the shoulder.

“Ow, did you have to go that hard?” The blonde angel hissed in pain as she glared hatefully at the twin-tailed brunette who had come over.

“You were about to scare off a new recruit, hag.” The brunette sniffed and then leaned against the post holding the sign up above which portrayed a legion of Exorcists fighting demons with pitchforks and scythes with golden lettering up above that read ‘Protect Heaven, At Any Cost.’

“Right… Well, if you don't want us, we can just-” Molly said awkwardly and moved to turn away before the blonde hurried to stop her, actually using her wings to fly in front of the group.

“Wait, wait, wait! No, sorry, we got off on the wrong foot.” She sighed and stepped back a bit. “My name is Velicity, I’m battalion commander of the fifth and I’d be happy to let you in to join.” She slung an arm over Moly’s shoulder and began to drag her towards the booth. “It may be grueling, but joining the sisterhood is the best damn decision you could make.”

He and Alex blinked and looked to one another. “Sisterhood?”

Velicity shrugged with a frown. “Yeah, our leader only allows women to join. Sorry.” She turned to Molly, her expression brightening considerably. “But you? You would make a great Exorcist! You got two more legs for extra kicking power: the Hellspawn won't see it coming! Sorry about your friends but it is what it is, and you can see them every few months still. So…” Velicity smiled eagerly as she looked expectantly at Molly.

Molly nodded, rubbing the bottom of her chin sagely as she considered the words. She then smiled brightly. “Nope!”

Velicity all but fell over as Molly walked around her and led the two of them back into the square. “But, but, but- you get a swank uniform! And weapons of pure angelic silver you can use to butcher Hellspawn! And you get a cool name picked by Adam himself!” Velicity cried in anguish as they kept walking away.

**********

“You guys?” Dixie asked oddly, her expression unsure as the rest of her cherub workers looked at the three of them like they had just sprouted from the ground and broke into dance. “Work… here? For us ?”

He nodded, smiling gently at the elephant cherub as she hemmed and hawed. A few of the cherub workers gave them odd looks as they stared at them like they had grown horns and cloven hooves.

He frowned, he had been noticing lately that cherubs seemed to almost be… well, universally servants. He had never seen a winner working for a cherub, or a cherub working above a regular angel at all. It was weird and was tickling his brain in a way he didn't like.

“I’m… I’m sorry, but I will have to say no.” Dixie sadly intoned, her flapping ears slowing down as she hovered low to the ground to avoid looking at them. “It just… wouldn’t be proper.”

Molly and Alex frowned; their expressions clear that they were thinking something was wrong with this scenario just as much as he was. “But we could-” Molly began, only to be interrupted.

“I’m afraid my answer is final.” Dixie stated firmly before smiling brightly again. “Now, if you guys want some ice cream, on the house of course, we can manage that to make up for any unpleasantness!” The elephant said happily as she flew back up and began making a banana split.

“No… no thanks, we’re not hungry.” He said as the three of them left the building in an awkward silence.

The streets of Heaven were slightly deserted since everyone in the city had either gone home or gotten to where they were going already. The three friends were pretty silent as they made their way down the golden-bricked road, not being interrupted or brought into conversation at all.

“Well,” Alex finally stated, his voice cheerful. “This kind of sucks.”

“Big time.” Molly said sadly.

“Yeah…” He followed up, his mind whirling as he tried to figure out what to do now. Everywhere they went, it was either something not all of them could do together or something that none of them wanted to do and at this point he was slightly desperate for anything to do.

It was like the bad days right out of college: trying to find a paying job so he could get a place for Cam to get away from her parents, trying to cobble together a life after everything… Well, Heaven was like that if you wanted to actually get your hands dirty rather than simply enjoy your afterlife.

He didn't know what to do now, he was stuck in a rut and saw no way out.

He supposed he could be bored for the rest of the decades it took for Cam to get here.

A bright light shone down upon them, nothing out of the ordinary there, but this time he looked up to see it for lack of anything better to do.

A bright and holographic billboard was attached to the side of a shiny tower, the board portraying a kindly young woman with dark skin and freckles beneath her blue eyes and snow-white hair. She was beaming at the camera like every Christmas had come at once and a team of happy cherubs and winners were behind her all looking happy as could be.

‘Want to send a blessing back to earth? Come visit CHERUB and we can do that for you!’ The happy lettering on the billboard portrayed. He blinked at it and felt a smile come across his face as he turned to his friends.

“See that sign?” He asked and frowned as Molly and Alex turned to it and frowned.

“Yeah? I thought we dismissed joining the Exorcists?” Alex said and he turned only to see the billboard had changed to an image of a dark gray skinned woman with short white hair hiding one of her eyes while holding a spear, her black uniform spotless as she struck a pose that screamed badass.

‘She fights for Heaven, will you?’ The harsh lettering next to her said proudly and he shook his head. “No, no. The one before it.” He stated and turned to them fully. “It was about something called CHERUB… and it spoke of blessings.”

Molly and Alex both ‘ahh’d’ and nodded at him. “Forgot you were interested in those.” Molly said before smiling brightly again. “I guess since we’re not getting a job anytime soon, we could swing by now- if you’re okay with that, Alex?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” He asked and Molly smirked at him.

“Thought you would want to take us home so you could serve your boyfriend more bootleg Italian food.”

“Okay, first of all: You’re a little demon girl and I don't know how you got up here.” Alex said playfully and Molly stuck her tongue out at him. “Second of all: Julio loves my food. Sorry you have bad taste.”

Molly’s jaw dropped and he chuckled alongside Alex as she pouted at the two of them. “Oh, I see how it is. Couple of big meatheads teaming up against a defenseless little lady…” She sighed dramatically and pressed the back of her hand against her forehead. “Oh, woe is me…”

He laughed at her and she laughed with him, the three of them falling into a more companionable atmosphere as they began trading barbs with one another while making their way towards… towards…

“Hey.” He spoke up and the two of them looked towards him. “Do either of you even know where the office of the Joybringer is?”

Alex and Molly paused, considered, and then groaned in annoyance.

“I knew we were forgetting something.” Molly complained.

**********

It took a whole week to find someone who could actually help them. Cherubs knew of it but didn't really know the specifics other than Emily the Joybringer was apparently the best seraphim on the council… and the youngest, but the best in all of their humble opinion.

A lot of winners didn't know either, most of them having only heard of her through her charity work and the fact she threw the best parties around. While regular angels knew of her as one of the leaders of Heaven and a bit young. “Only half a millennia old, can you believe it?” One four-winged angel with no eyes on his face but over a dozen on his wings said like a gossipy hen. “So young and already ruling on the Council- we’re all so proud.”

As for those who actually used her services… Everyone appeared to have a different answer to where they could go for blessings, and it was getting quite annoying. Some said it was a building off of Saint’s Avenue while others said it was a small little corner shop on La Virtuoso Street. A two-story on Broadchurch, a half-building on Blessing Circle… nobody had a straight answer.

Turns out it was because there were multiple locations. They checked out every location and found massive lines stretching around the block, overworked experts and teamsters working round the clock to try and accommodate as many people as possible to the point that the lines were all made of people who already had appointments. So that, at least, was a bust.

Finally, he just decided to go straight to the source and ask Beau, who was all too happy to tell him where the main branch of the blessing services was.

Apparently, you needed to go on a drive outside the main city to somewhere called Cherub Town, which thankfully was only a small drive away.

The only problem? None of them had cars.

Alex was obvious in why he didn't have a car, and so he smartly didn't ask. He did, however, grill Molly about why she didn't have any mode of transportation and she rolled her eyes at him.

“Excuse me for not having something I didn't need when I was alive, Mr. Moneybags.” She chided him, wagging a finger at him. “New York was for walking when I was still kicking, so why would I need a car?”

“Aren’t you a mafia princess?” He asked to which she once more rolled her eyes.

“What- so everyone in the mob had a car? Get real, that stuff got expensive. Only one who had anything was my dad and he had a Model J he treated better than any of his kids, didn’t let any of us even touch it let alone drive in it.” She sighed and sat down on the couch of her truly antique looking condo, filled to the brim with tech and decorations from the 30’s alongside a truly outrageously large plasma-screen tv. “Never needed to drive so why would I have a car?”

He… didn't really have an answer to that.

Finally, for lack of any better options, he simply checked out bus lines.

It was a motley crew that had boarded the bus between Cross City and Cherub Town: Alex was having a mild panic attack while hugging onto his therapy cherub tighter than ever while the little purple lamb let out an adorable squeak of pain, Molly was rubbing his back comfortingly, while he was talking to Beau about everything they needed to know about Emily.

“Oh, she’s so kind!” The little lion said proudly, a look of joy on his face as he spoke. “She truly listens to us when we speak, you know? She made CHERUB to ensure that everyone on earth and in Heaven could benefit from her kindness- some are even calling her the next Virtue of Kindness!”

He blinked. “Well… is she?” he asked, and the little lion cherub looked at him oddly

“Is she what?” Beau looked adorably confused and he decided to clarify a bit.

“The next Virtue of Kindness?” Beau brightened up at his words, finally understanding his question.

“Oh no, no, no.” Beau said firmly, waving his paws in front of him. “No, they haven’t held an election yet but considering nobody else is doing what she is… it won't be a hard-fought battle.” He shrugged and grinned. “I mean, when your opponent has an entire town formed around her business, it makes fighting a bit hard.”

Now that was an interesting tidbit. “Cherub Town is a company town?”

Beau looked confused. “I don't know what that means.”

He wanted to explain but they finally passed the rolling plains of fluffy clouds and entered a new section of Heaven. The buildings were smaller, built more for cherubs than winners, but there were still winners and angels walking around happily. Some of them even waved to the bus as it rolled to a stop in front of a truly beautiful building.

The headquarters of CHERUB and the personal office of Emily the Joybringer was a friendly looking skyscraper that screamed ‘art deco’. Three tall towers surrounded a central layered dome that itself was covered in friendly statues of angels, winners, and cherubs frolicking all along and having a great time above murals of what looked to be a beautiful garden filled with all sorts of cute animals.

A massive statue of a regal looking woman, her expression serene beneath the regal looking crown that floated above her head of truly massive curls, stood tall and proud in the center of the plaza as she held her hands together and smiled kindly down at them. He had seen a bunch of statues like that throughout Heaven, and knew it was some bigshot but hadn’t really asked much more besides.

He hadn't really paid any attention to Heavenly politics due to not knowing they existed till this moment.

"So... Virtues are elected?" He asked as they made their way across a plaza made of stained glass towards the golden doors, Beau looking up at him and nodding.

"Yep!" The lion cherub nodded. "It's been that way ever since the original Virtues left with- er, ever since they left." Beau laughed a little too hard and moved on quickly. "Every fifty years Heaven holds an election to see who will take up the spots. It can be quite contentious with some of them: Humility has some pretty big shoes to fill after all." Beau explained, causing him to nod along as the lion cherub kept talking.

"Then you get Patience which keeps going to the First Man, since all the Exorcists of the Holy Legions keep voting for him every time. Patience is in charge of all the Holy Legions, but he only really focuses on the one branch." Beau said as the approached the truly spectacular golden doors. They were carved with a massive image of what looked to be the same woman from the central statue smiling down at a bunch of humans who offered praise to her.

The massive golden doors opened up for them and they entered to find a massive entry-room with a bunch of murals depicting a bunch of random, if cute, events: Halo’d puppies in a basket resting gently, a field of flowers blooming, a kitten playing with a ball of yarn, a bunch of different winners all dancing in a circle looking happy as could be… all the murals looked down at a few statues of what looked to be cherubs all smiling bashfully.

A bunch of cherubs were flying all about, their expressions determined but not dissatisfied as they carried papers whenever they needed to be, hauled boxes full of files, or even swept the tiled floors while whistling jaunty tunes. A light-skinned winner with regal features was playing around on their phone with a sleepy expression, only looking up as the three approached them. A nametag on the desk read 'Xana: They/Them'

Xana looked at them oddly, a curious expression on their face. “Um… can I help you?”

“Yes! Came here from Cross so we could apply for a blessing for our friend over here.” Alex said brightly, leaning against the counter and nodding seriously.

Xana blinked owlishly at them, many blue eyes appearing on their halo as they stared at the three of them like they were crazy. “You were in Cross when you decided to apply for a blessing… and you came here?”

“Well, all the stations in Cross were so overcrowded you couldn’t even see the buildings themselves, so we came here.” He explained, to which they made a noise of understanding.

“I hear ya, we really need someone to try and clean up the outer services, but Emily can only be in so many places at once.” Xana explained and then shook their head. “But as for a blessing… everyone here is out to lunch so you’re out of luck.”.

“How long should that take?” He asked them and they checked their phone.

“It’s about half over, so thirty more minutes and you’ll be able to put in your request.” They explained and Alex, now recovered from riding his own trauma in a literal sense, whistled.

“Hour long lunch breaks? Maybe we should work here.” He said appreciatively and Xana blinked at them.

“Well… we’d be happy to offer you applications and put you on the short list but, uh, we’re not really hiring right now.” They explained and Alex slumped over once more. He led the Jersey Winner over to a waiting room, calm and peaceful music playing at a low pitch, almost like it was trying to soothe you to sleep.

There the five of them sat, awkwardly waiting as they shuffled about on the truly comfortable chairs. ‘Is everything in this place comfortable?’ he thought to himself as Molly fully fell asleep on his shoulder, the New Yorker snoring loudly as she drooled on his shirt.

“I think a half hour has passed.” Alex said finally, interrupting the card game Beau and Collin had started up and causing Molly to jerk awake with a yawn.

“Muh… five more minutes, Anthony…” She muttered before yawning and trying to settle back down on his shoulder, causing him to bump her off.

“Has it really?’ He asked Alex, the muscle-bound winner shrugging at him.

“Heck if I know, I just know it's been a while since we got in here so… maybe?” Alex said simply and he frowned a bit as he tried to keep track of how long they'd been there.

He opened his mouth to respond when he opened the door.

“-just want you to be as comfortable as you can be!” A six-winged woman with snow-white hair and dark skin said worriedly, her back to them as she floated all around the front desk. “If you want anything else, all you need to do is ask, you know?”

“Miss Emily, it’s truly fine.” Xana said comfortingly, waving their hands in between the two of them as their expression turned warm. “Honestly, you're much better than a lot of earthly employers so I really do think working here is the best.”

Emily, the aforementioned six-winged angel, seemed to slump. “Alright… if you say so, Xana.” She turned around and looked at them, her expression still as she saw them.

A few things happened all at once: First, she let out a squeal of pure happiness. Second, she briefly turned into a glowing white figure with three eyes and three pairs of wings sticking out of her head before turning back into the dark skinned human looking girl she was. Thirdly, she rushed over faster than anyone could react and started hovering all around them.

“Oh goodness, oh goodness!” She started excitedly murmuring before reaching down and grabbing ahold of his hands and shaking them hard enough that he was afraid his arm would fall off. “New customers! I’m so happy that more people are using the blessing services! And you came all the way here, too, not using one of the branch offices in Cross City I set up to make things easier for everyone!” She beamed at them with such utter happiness that she looked ready to cry.

She reached out and hugged him tightly and he awkwardly patted her back as Xana gave him a severe look as if to judge him.

She finally let go of him and sniffled, a look of embarrassment on her face. “I’m sorry… It's just been so long since any petitioners visited me personally.” She explained as he began to hover around. “I didn't realize how much I missed it till you three showed up.”

“Dont, er, don't mention it?” He said awkwardly as Emily beamed at him.

“Anyway! You want a blessing and I can provide one for you!” She said happily as she began to flutter over to the others. “And do any of you want to make a blessing? As The Joybringer, it is my utmost pleasure and responsibility that everyone in Heaven is having a good time!”

Molly and Alex looked at one another while Beau and Collin looked ready to pass out from excitement over meeting the legendary patron of cherubs.

“I… don't really have anyone left alive I would give it to, sorry.” Molly shrugged helplessly as Alex frowned and gave it a lot of thought. Meanwhile, Collin gently began to float up to the Joybringer with a nervous expression.

“Um… Miss Emily?” Collin asked nervously to which she knelt down and smiled gently at him.

“Yes, my fluffy little friend?” Emily asked with a patient smile, to which Collin shook with increased nerves.

“Can I…” The purple therapy cherub breathed in, shook his shoulders, and breathed out. “Can I have your autograph?”

She blinked and looked overjoyed, a happy sounding squeak coming out of her as she summoned a slip of golden paper and wrote ‘Emily’ with a heart over the I and a smiley face at the end. She handed it to Collin, who looked at it for a few seconds before passing out in excitement.

“Oh, oh dear.” The Joybringer sounded sad as they all looked at the comatose cherub. “I hope the poor guy is alright.”

“Oh, don't you worry at all Miss Emily.” Beau said proudly, puffing out his chest as he picked up Collin and carried him back into the waiting room. “I’ll watch over him and keep him safe for you!”

She beamed at the little lion cherub and Beau almost fell over but rallied and flew into the waiting room in a rush with Collin slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Finally, Emily turned to Alex and smiled serenely as she awaited whatever answer she could give.

He looked serious as he thought it over. “I… I guess I would like to give a blessing to my parent’s, make sure they are doing alright.”

She beamed happily once more and flew over to the desk, summoning another piece of paper as she scribbled furiously on it in mid air. “I can do that! We have so many parent related blessings we can give!” She flew off in a hurry through a pair of massive doors to the side of the front desk and he decided to follow her.

The inside of the room was like a child’s attempt to mimic an office building: Bright and friendly lights shone down on massive rows of cubicles full of cherubs, several rows of them floating above one another in defiance of the laws of physics. Motivational posters were plastered on every available surface while friendly puppies frolicked from cubicle to cubicle also in defiance of gravity. The flooring was plush and velvety, almost willing to swallow up his feet whole from how soft it was, and what little of the walls that could be seen from behind the posters was a bright and happy pink.

“It’s like Barbie’s corporate office building…” Alex muttered, and Molly turned to him in confusion.

“Whose Barbie?” The new yorker asked and they both looked at her strangely before remembering she was from the 30’s

A few of the cherubs stopped working to look at them strangely as he made his way towards the back where a simple desk was sitting out in the open, nothing fancy or ostentatious about it as Emily sat in a beanbag chair and began furiously scribbling on her piece of paper. She looked up at him and then looked behind him to his friends.

She blinked for a moment before a flash of guilt went across her face. “Oh, I completely forgot to ask you what your blessing would be! I’m so sorry-”

He laughed warmly and waved away her guilt. “Don't worry about it. Truly, it means enough that you're willing to help Alex out like this.” He smiled at her and she smiled back.

She really did seem young compared to the other trueborn angels he had met in his time up here, almost like a slightly older version of Luz. He was glad her hair wasn't a dark hazel otherwise he would be ruffling it even now out of habit. And it would probably be best not to give one of the leaders of heaven a messed up hairstyle.

He frowned, thoughts of his daughter always making him do so nowadays. It would most likely, or at least hopefully, be a full century before he ever saw her again. Would she even remember him by the time she came up here? Or would he just be another person to her, a stranger she had known briefly and reconnected with like an acquaintance?

Before he could spiral or focus on what Beau had taught him to do in that scenario, he felt a pair of arms hug him gently and looked down to see Emily looking sad as she tried to comfort him. “I don't know what made you so depressed just now… but I am truly sorry for it.”

He swallowed and hugged her back, for a moment pretending it was Luz and feeling guilt and sorrow over it. “It’s… it’s fine. Nothing I'm not used to.”

She frowned harder at that and he chuckled before rubbing the back of his head. “Really, don’t worry about it. I’m fine now.”

Emily nodded seriously. “Hugs are the best for any ailment.”

He smiled at her and looked at the truly massive amount of paperwork that she had on her desk. “Is… is that normal for you?”

“Oh, this?” She giggled to herself and flew up and up and up until she reached the top of the two story stack of paperwork. “Yeah, there are so many requests for blessings that it’s created a backlog.” She floated down and gingerly picked one out of the stack, looking it over with a fine eye. “Like, this one is asking for a blessing to make sure Y2K doesn't happen… I don't know what that means but it’s from ‘99.”

“Well, you cast that one without knowing it because Y2K didn't happen.” He said to which she beamed and disappeared the letter into a cloud of golden dust.

“Good to know!” She floated back down all the way to her bean-bag chair and just slumped onto the desk. “You should have seen the office before I formed CHERUB. It was…” She spread her arms wide and looked afraid. “Everywhere in here.”

“Have you thought about getting assistants?” Molly spoke up from behind him and Emily looked confused before gesturing to the many cherubs that worked in the cubicles. "No, no." Molly tried again. "I mean like, personal assistants like secretaries or something to help you with your personal work so you can focus on the important bizz."

"Well..." Emily wrung her hands together and looked nervous. "I just don't want to overload someone with all of my problems, is all. I'd feel terrible if someone became burnt out because of me." She said with a frown, a sad look in her eyes before she brightened and gestured to the backlog.

“Like I said, it was much worse before they came along.” She said as she began twirling around a pencil with a fuzzy eraser cover that looked like a bobble-head. “Like, the Virtue before me was kind of slacking off and things got overwhelming so fast that Sera had to get involved and now I’m here.” She beamed happily again before her smile turned to a frown and she slumped. “Still going to take forever to clean up though.”

As he stood there a floating deer fawn in a baby blue long sleeve underneath a dark blue pair of overalls flew over and placed a paper down on Emily’s desk. “Team three went out for their first assignment, Miss Emily.”

Emily began to look worried, chewing on her nails. “Oh, I hope they do alright… I always worry about the first time missions the most.”

The deer fawn seemed to preen and puff up. “I trained them myself, Miss Emily. They’ll be fine.” The fawn seemed to finally notice the three of them and looked confused. “Um… what are these random winners doing in the main office?”

“Oh!” Emily chirped, gesturing to them. “These are…” She frowned before looking embarrassed. “I, ah, didn't actually ask their names, Deerie.”

Deerie the deer-cherub smiled gently, an indulgent look on her face. “That, Miss Emily, is what you hired me for: to be your second in command and ask the hard questions… like what the names of these random winners are?”

They both looked at the three of them and he smiled awkwardly. “Ah, Manny Noceda?”

“Molly Di Martello!” The spider-winner smiled brightly, cheer in her voice as she grabbed ahold of his shoulders and pulled herself up till she was looking down at them with her head atop his. “Hi!”

“Alex Smith.” The jersey winner said, a gentle look on his face. “Thank you for… for considering my request.”

Emily smiled at Deerie and the floating fawn rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, he stood there and gathered his thoughts together. Emily needed help, from the look of things she was overworked and in need of serious administrative reform. The branch offices were overworked, everyone was overworked.

The desire to help people, the very thing that drove him to be an ambulance driver in life, was beginning to rear its head.

“You know… I think you could use some help.” He said to which Emily smiled awkwardly and Deerie seemed to grin.

“Yeah, we do.” The fawn said, her voice somehow sounding condescending despite agreeing with him. “There’s so much work to be doing… ah, well, it’s my life I suppose.”

“I could use some help with these requests, I suppose.” Emily muttered, looking at the giant stack of papers with trepidation. “But like I said, I don't want to overload anyone or make them burn out if I can help it-" She began but he cut her off.

"Emily, this is a bit unsustainable." He began, Deerie's constant smile beginning to look strained and a little annoyed at him as he spoke. "Forget someone else burning out, what about you?"

"Miss Emily will never burn out! She's the next Virtue of Kindness." Deerie clapped her hands together and began to gesture to someone over their shoulder. "Now, thank you for coming here but-"

"I kind of do wish I could get help." Emily said suddenly, a nervous look on her face. "I need to be strong, and need to set an example for everyone because if I falter... well, how can they expect to stand tall if I'm not?"

Now his desire to help was screaming at him, and he tried for a gentle smile as he spoke. "That's why I want to help you, Emily. You look stressed and overworked, so I'm officially asking to be hired."

“Eh?” Molly asked, dropping back to the ground as she and Alex looked at him strangely. Deerie was still smiling but it seemed even more strained… and Emily was beaming like her every wish was coming true.

"I was an ambulance driver when I was alive." He began, pacing back and forth as he spoke. "I needed to help people, it's what I do best and it's what I enjoy the most. And everything you're doing seems tailor made for someone like me: someone who wants to help>" He clapped his hands together and grinned. "So let me help you help everyone else."

Before anyone could reply Emily flew over the desk and hugged him tightly again. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She said rapidly, her other form breaking out slightly as a bunch of eyes stared at him. He awkwardly chuckled and patted her on the head.

Molly and Alex looked to one another and then back to him. “You really want to do paperwork for eternity?” Alex asked curiously and before he could respond Emily let go and did it for him.

“Oh, it wouldn't be just paperwork.” The Joybringer explained. “You have to travel around all of heaven and make sure everyone is doing okay and make sure that any official functions are as fun as possible. You have to give out fliers for our services, you have to take over when I'm gone for council meetings, and sometimes you have to watch over CHERUB teams and direct them on how to finish their missions.” She crossed her arms and nodded seriously. “It’s not just paperwork or I would have lost my mind ages ago.”

“Personally, I like watching over the CHERUB teams myself.” Deerie explained, a satisfied look on her face. “It’s like being in the Exorcists except nobody gets hurt…”

Alex and Molly brightened considerably, grabbing him by the shoulder and bringing him into a huddle.

“Okay, so I like the sound of everything but the paperwork.” Alex explained, his expression serious. “But are you sure about everything, Manny?”

“Yeah.” Molly agreed. “I don't mind working here, Emily seems like an awesome boss and everything… but we could always go back to the Heavenly Construction Corps.”

The three of them paused, considered, and then laughed together as they dismissed the idea of doing construction work forever and ever. “We’re in.” Alex said firmly, giving a thumbs up to the happily smiling Emily.

“Wonderful!” She cheered, flying around them all with a laugh. “Welcome to my service! Oh, I've always wanted to say that again!”

Notes:

Yep, Manny is joining Emily's cohort of Joybringers. Because of course he was. Be Not Afraid of where I'm taking this, trust me it's gonna have a great pay-off.
For those who want to get back to the main point of this story, don't worry: After next we will get back to romcom shenanigans with Lucifer and Camila. Zoo Date is coming, and so are more Sin Shenanigans... as well as the rematch of the century.
Razzle and Dazzle Vs. Stringbean Part 2: This Time It's Personal.
Next Chapter: New Duties, and new purpose... and a chance encounter with a new friend(?)

A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (2024)

Chapter 1: The Devil Walks Into A Bar...

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Chapter 2: The Morning After

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Chapter 3: Is it really a funeral if you aren't dead?

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Chapter 4: Some much needed conversations

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Chapter 5: Ozzie and Froggie plan a date with Lucy

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Chapter 6: Second Date: Part One

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Chapter 7: Second Date: Part Two

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Chapter 8: Second Date: Part Three

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Chapter 9: Interlude: Blitzy and Loony

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Chapter 10: Second Date: Finale

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Chapter 11: Back on the Isles

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Chapter 12: The Lumity Power Hour

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Chapter 13: To growing up!

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Chapter 14: Of Royals and Apple Tarts

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Chapter 15: This sure is a lovely picnic

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Chapter 16: Of Greed and Pets

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Chapter 17: Collins Awful, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

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