@lostinmynotebook
lostinmynotebook
Jul 30, 2020
a fresh start
like snipping dead roses off the bush so
new blooms can flourish
to taking care of yourself for your own good instead of a standard for beauty
a new beginning
taking in more knowledge
and letting your words flow out from your mind into the world again
a quick pace
no more letting life take you by
or mourning what could have been
I am fresh
I am new
I am quickly reborn into large shoes that I refuse to leave unfilled
I am scared and insecure and overwhelmed I will constantly get it wrong
I will do all of those things.
but I am ready to persist and try again
-Knoxville in the Fall
lostinmynotebook
Feb 20, 2020
I did not realize my flower was sick until I changed the water
My water looked like crystal at first
Then slowly it began to change
So slowly I couldn’t see
Only when I forced myself to uproot did I see the grime
The clean water, without toxicity, has allowed my flower to bloom
I moved from a cloudy case to the bright sunshine
Surrounded myself with other flowers
I am expanding in my own garden
I am radiant
-flowering heart
lostinmynotebook
Feb 20, 2020
Clouds cover up my sun
It is dreary and grim
Day to day I lose my fun
As my light inside goes dim
They are not nice clouds
Not puffy nor white
Nor in cute little shapes
They are loud
They give fright
They are the kind to make you close your drapes
My clouds haunt me
And I miss my sun
-inner storm
lostinmynotebook
Jul 18, 2019
Pillow wet with tears
Crying in the work bathroom
And lost promises
It always seems to go wrong
lostinmynotebook
Jun 27, 2019
That night
lostinmynotebook
Apr 14, 2019
upper class trailer trashworth nothing more than three empty fast food bags and broken promisessaying Christmas and your birthday will be small this year since I was 7 years oldmice crawling in the walls eating better than us on a bad weekoverflowing trash on the back porch because there’s no time and no money to take it to the dumpfeeling as worthless as the bags themselvesknowledge is power to those who don’t have the money to buy itreading every scrap of letters I can get my hands on until they were handed to memovies and those knowledge letters tell the stories of what our lives will never beupper class trailer trash don’t have flashy carsthey don’t have starbucks every morningupper class trailer trash worries about the bills getting paidno mama I don’t need breakfast this morning every morning of the weekeven though you know that 5 dollars wont make a dent in those unpaid bills5 dollars wont buy happinessholidays roll around and 5 dollars isn’t even there anymoreChristmas and your birthday will be small this yearpraying family and friends won’t get you anything because you can’t do the samenothing to offer but those knowledge letters you’ve somehow gotten good at writingdouble-widethat’s my housea fancy name for a slightly bigger trailer in a slightly better placeyet we still can’t pay the billsbecause they aren’t only slighter higherthey tower over us like a cartoon villainpressing down on our shoulders and making us count every penny“are you sure you don’t want some lunch money” comes in handy two days later when the car is almost out of gas5 dollars isn’t much but it’ll holdhold until dad gets paidit gets a little easier those next few days when the money comes inwe get some food and some more gaswe can pay on those billsbut then the money gets tighter as your jeans do the samea little money buys food with a lot of weightjeans squeeze and upper class trailer trash doesn’t have money to buy new onesjeans get a bit loser by next week when you don’t eat as much to preserve what you haveI’ve had a nice lifeparents trying hard to keep us happy with what we hadbut life catches up to everyoneespecially the little writerthe upper class trailer trash kid who smiles pretty and writes her knowledge lettershoping it will get her somewhere in lifehoping it will get her parents out of debthoping to ease the burden of the mindset of who they live asbecause upper class trailer trash isn’t who anyone wants to be
upper class
lostinmynotebook
Sep 4, 2018
velcroheartstrings
“I do not wish to find a love like a double vodka and co*ke- bitter towards the end. I want a love like a purple co*cktail- the kind that tastes like a slush puppy. I want someone to choose me out of choice, not habit. Please do not consume me if you know you cannot handle what I bring to the table.”
— we all have an element of bitterness; the trick is to find someone who’s bitterness mixes well with yours.
lostinmynotebook
Sep 4, 2018
jess-amelia
“This is why I don’t want to let anyone else in again. You let them get close to you and you start to expect things from them. You expect to see them, you expect them to reply or call you. You expect and expect but all you’re really left with is disappointment and why? So he or she can make you feel complete? I can feel that way on my own. So they can make you smile? I do that fine on my own as well. I have my best friends and most importantly, I have myself. And unlike everyone else, I don’t let myself down.”
— You let someone in and all they do is break you before they abandon you, leaving you to clean up the mess on your own - Jess Amelia
lostinmynotebook
Jul 5, 2018
brightly colored stars falling from the sky andtangible happinessthere is a bass shaking the groundthe foundations of our music andthe last heartbeat of those dying starscannons bursting in the distant pastwe've forgotten where we startedmorals and freedom twisted to our amusem*ntwhat are we really celebrating
independence day
lostinmynotebook
Jul 5, 2018
They say the moon is in love with the sunThat their beauty and affection can be seen from even the furthest starI don’t know if I believe thatMaybe I’m a sad*st or a cynicMaybe I’m realisticOr maybe I’m jealousThey say that the sun sets each day to let her love, the moon, shineI’m not sure I believe that eitherMaybe I do not understandMaybe I don’t care toThe sun, the moon, the starsEach more capable of love than ISo many adoring eyes gazing at her loverThe sun burns bright with envy...or is it pride?All on her own, the moon twinkles in the night skyShe wants to show she is more than the sunOr how her love makes her glow brighter than the starsI do not understandI’m not sure I ever willMaybe it is folkloreOr maybe it is a tale only two lovers can know
sapphic love within the stars
lostinmynotebook
May 9, 2018
I think I heard you say I love you, but it must have been a dream
little talks
lostinmynotebook
May 4, 2018
Why should I bother trying when it’s clear that you don’t care anymore
unsent texts
lostinmynotebook
Apr 9, 2018
I’m too much for you to handle but not enough for you to want
give me up
lostinmynotebook
Mar 5, 2018
In the cold of the night
And the heat where you lay
I can feel your fingertips
Sending my nerves in a craze
Warm breaths huffed against my skin and yours
Too tight grip never tight enough
Soft glancing touches never soft enough
I dream about you in the dark
Your skin pressed against mine
The heat between our bodies stifling
As we try to do the same with our voices
Hush they’re sleeping
Hush I’m on fire
Lighting up the too dark room to see your smile
Your fingers as they brush along without a care and with too much
I long for the feeling of hands in my hair and teeth on my neck
Indulge me
Drink me up like the warm coffee you sip every morning
Inhale me like cigarette smoke and let me settle in
Touch me
Feel me
Let me breathe you in because
I’m drowning
And you’re my oxygen
Late night talks in the dark
lostinmynotebook
Feb 23, 2018
Misunderstandings can be a knife
Digging into your skin and leaving you cold
Alone and bleeding in the silence
No matter how many times you say I’m sorry
It’s never enough
Your stomach is still in knots, twisting and turning with every misread look
No matter how many times you say it
It never feels better
They may forgive you
But can you forgive yourself
alone in a side room
lostinmynotebook
Feb 7, 2018
I haven’t looked at a scale in months. Not because I don’t feel the need, but because I am scared. I don’t want to see those numbers go up like I know they have. I see it every day in the mirror, or the tightness of my jeans. I refuse to sit on someone’s lap because I don’t want to press them down with my weight. I don’t want to feel the differences of our bodies. I don’t wear tight shirts. I don’t like the red press marks on my hips. I don’t look at scales.
Secrets of the mirror
lostinmynotebook
Jan 3, 2018
write about your most recent kiss
it was honestly my dog, but that’s not what you’re asking ;)
it’s new years eve, and the clock reads 11:09 at night. you both know that you won’t have midnight and it’s only a matter of time. you’re both laying in their bed, staring at each other in the dim light of the lamp.
“stop staring at me” you whisper and you can already feel your heart beating hard from nerves and a little something extra. it only beats harder when they whisper“but you’re beautiful”
you shove their face aside but quickly ask for their attention back once they start teasing you
the clock says 11:14 and you both know that the car is waiting outside for you to leave. sitting up feels like more than it is when they stare at you like that. meeting their lips feels like it always has: soft, magical, and familiar in all the best ways. it doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t have to.
the clock says 11:18 when you’re standing by the door, sneaking one last kiss before saying happy new years and walking into the cold, feeling warmer than any coat could provide
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