In the early stages, soon after a loved one has passed away, many people go looking for a group to belong to.
It's often the case that family members, friends and those around us don't understand what we're going through, don't know what to say, don't know how to act...and sometimes prefer to avoid the subject all together.
Sometimes they even begin to avoid us.
This can be very painful and make us feel even more alone with what we're going through.
So, when we first find a group full of people who do understand, who empathise with us, who allow us to talk about our experience, our feelings and our loved one...we feel a huge relief.
This can be a positive first step towards healing. Realising that we're not alone, that others have been through similar experiences can bring a great deal of comfort.
But after a time, many people fall into what Caroline Myss called "woundology". We begin to study our wounds in depth.
We talk over and over what happened to us. We go over and over how we feel, what this is experience has done to us, how our life has changed and we find that certain beliefs start to shape our reality.
Then these beliefs are supercharged and become facts to us. Beliefs such as "I'll never get over this", "I'll never be myself again", "This pain will never go away", "It's not possible to experience joy again".
Often, the people around us in these groups (with the best of intentions) reinforce these beliefs and maybe even reward us for saying them by offering us comfort and shared experience.
This feels good (for a while) because it meets our basic human needs of belonging and shared experience. And it all makes sense, because it does make us feel better. But only temporarily.
These common sayings and beliefs become deeply ingrained in us. They actually begin to hypnotise us.
And then when a moment of joy arises, or we experience a ray of hope...we don't notice it because it doesn't fit with our belief system. Or we discount it...and go back into the pain...because to begin to feel any kind of joy is actually threatening.
We might say to ourselves (even subconsciously): "This feels a little like joy or happiness...but it can't be because that's not possible after what I've been through".
Then, when someone comes along and says that it is possible to heal, that it is possible to move forward (while still completely honouring our loved one), that we can find joy again, we don't believe them because this goes against all of our deeply held, and regularly reinforced beliefs!
(Artwork: a light installation by Gabriel Dawe)
We may even feel that it is an insult to talk in such a way, when our pain is so deep.
This is why it's so important that any group we join, if we're to heal, must have a spiritual component.
That's why any healing work we do must include the spiritual element.
Most grief groups don't even acknowledge the continued existence of our loved one at all. They leave out the MOST important factor in our healing : The person who died! The person we love. The person who loves us!
Of course, some religious groups do keep the spirit in mind, but usually the concepts and ideas about life after death are so abstract and vague that it's hard to find anything to grasp on to.
But we need to go further, for real connection and real healing to take place.
We need to focus on the spiritual relationship which continues to grow, develop and evolve.
We need to develop what I call conscious, positive grieving. Spending just a few minutes each day thinking of our loved one in an active, positive sense, rather than only when the waves of grief come over us…or only when we’re passively led to think about them.
As Rudolf Steiner pointed out, adding to this the concept of “reading to the dead” is healing for them, healing for us and is a true spiritual deed.
Mick Young
Spiritual Grief Mentor
PS.
Thank you for reading! - here’s some more about my work if you’re interested..
if you’re wanting to become part of a group that has the spiritual world and your loved one, front and centre
if you're wanting to move past these beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your grief,
if you're wanting to actually develop and continue your relationship with your loved one for your healing ...
without wasting months or years in "woundology" based grief groups...
...then please reach out and book a free session with me here.
How the session works...
Together we'll get clarity on:
- how your grief is affecting your life right now
- what's working and what's not working in your way of dealing with it
- and more importantly, where you really want to be in terms of feeling peace, spiritual connection and joy for life in the here and now
then...
we can make a plan to actually get you there. I want you to know that this is TOTALLY possible. I've helped many people experience this.
The session is for people who are committed to developing their connection, healing from grief and are open to new ways of thinking. This is not for people who just want to dabble.
So, if that sounds like you, please go ahead and book in your session. The link is in the comments below.
Many have said that this was the best hour they've ever spent on their spiritual lives.
I look forward to speaking with you to see how I can support you..
